hope you had a great Christmas !

I meant to post about a church I visited recently but couldn't find the time. (Or, if I did post about it, I've forgotten.) Well, I was really excited to visit this church, CofR, because a friend of mine had visited it before and she was excited about the diversity of this church! LA is a big city with a lot of minority groups and when I was moving out here, my profs were really excited for me because well, I work on race and minority issues. But since getting here, a lot of the churches I've visited have been homogenous, i.e. mostly white or mostly black or mostly latino or mostly chinese, etc.

The Alt_er, which I've been going to does have people of color but it was still surprisingly homogenous. This doesn't make it a bad church, in fact, I quite like it and I've gotten really fond of my small group too. People are friendly and nice, and every now and then, because of its location, people from the street--clearly homeless--have come in for services. It is a church that opens its doors to people from all walks of life, even those who don't dress or smell right.

But the pastor at Alt_er still doesn't know my name even though he has walked by me or sat by me a few times. I think that's pretty shocking for a church that's about 100. I don't need the pastor to be my new best friend, but not to even say hello, how are you? Well, others in the church are friendly enough so you could say that the community as a church takes responsibility for welcoming strangers and newcomers, and that's a great philosophy to have.

Contrast that, however, with CofR. The one and only time I've been there, the pastor made it a point to talk to me TWICE, and he invited me to join his family for Christmas brunch when he heard I was going to be in town for the holidays. CofR is smaller (60 or so members) but they also have fewer resources available to them. Anyway, I did want to get that off my chest.

But really, I was posting because I just got back from brunch with Pastor K and family, plus a few other guests. It was delicious, simple, fun, and I got to hear more about how CofR is committed to being a church in a neighborhood that isn't at all what you would call wealthy, and where more often than not, there are very real racial tensions. The church doesn't have a website (how my friend found it is a long story) because they've been focused on being there for, and trying to meet the needs of, their local neighborhood.

So, even though I really want to commit to attending a "local" church, i.e. within a 10 min drive from my apt, I'm really thinking seriously of attending the CofR, which requires me to get on the freeway. I think I could learn a lot from this church.

This isn't to say that CofR is a perfect or even exemplary church, although obviously, I think it tries hard to model certain principles. And this isn't to say that Alt_er isn't worth going to or anything like that. There is much I respect about that church, and I will certain keep attending the small group until the end of the year, i.e. the summer. But I think it would be exciting to be at CofR.

I will say that all the churches I've visited in LA are committed to giving back to the community and providing services, resources, or friendships to people in need. This is especially true of the larger churches that have more resources at their disposal, and it has really heartened me. I'm not claiming that any of these churches are without weakness, but it does seem to me that they are doing their best to give.

Well, I had a good Christmas. It helped me pause from the madness of writing for awhile. I'll have to go back to work tomorrow. But it was really good to stop, and listen to the other kinds of stories that are floating around.

broke my heart

mixed-up

When I can actually focus my mind on work, I really do love it. But it's hard not to think of everything else that's so horrible about the field, especially now. Many schools have hiring freezes, which means people who are looking for jobs this year have far fewer positions to apply to in fields that have already been incredibly competitive. As friend N remarked the other day, higher education needs a bailout too. :)

The next two weeks of my life will be horribly stressful again if I am to make my deadlines. I will take the 25th off, and after that, I'll be going up to SF for a few days to meet up with old friends from graduate school who will be at the big annual conference for our field. I do want to see old friends but I can barely think of the trip as a true "vacation." Honestly, I can't wait for June, when the academic year ends--even though my work clock won't stop ticking then, I hope I'll be better able to leave the anxiety behind.

I still love my postdoc, but that doesn't stop me from recognizing that this is a brutal profession. I really don't know that I can recommend it to people who might consider starting a PhD program with the hopes of becoming a professor, at least not in the humanities.

happiness

I understand the difference between joy and happiness, and as much as I value joy and hope that I will always be filled with joy, I also appreciate a little happiness now and then. I really wish that other people could be infused with the same sense of well-being and peace. I have to start working in earnest after this post, so I know I won't feel quite the same way in a few minutes, but for now, I just want to rest in this moment when all worries and anxieties are held at bay, and when I'm happy to be where I am because I'm learning to be who God wants me to be.

My postdoc group had our second seminar (formal conversations about work) and after-seminar dinner (very informal hanging out!) yesterday, and I'm just so happy to be here. This group of people has been good for me so far and I'm a little sad we only get together about once a month, although I do see friends M1 and M2 from the group quite often. C_rn_ll friends J and K predicted that I would be happy here this year, and at that point, I didn't dare hope that I would be happy and I couldn't imagine that this is what "happy" feels like. But they were right and I am so glad they were right.

teasing and being teased

I read a NYT article today on the social practice of "teasing" and I realized that I only start to feel comfortable around new friends when they begin teasing me. I think it reminds me of my relatives and friends who teased me as I was growing up. Of course, teasing is different from humiliation--a form of social interaction that is unfortunately quite familiar to me as well. Even though I am for the most part well-socialized, cross-cultural forms of "teasing" can be difficult to negotiate or learn, and that must be partly why it has been difficult for me to build friendships with some Americans.

holiday

The week isn't over yet but I think I will be a little presumptuous and call this a very good week. I woke up this morning and I was so happy to be alive, and I felt nearly as good the past few days too. Amazing.

After work yesterday, I thought to myself "It's really nice to be done with the dissertation!" and I do believe that life after filing is much more enjoyable, except that for the past two months it didn't often feel that way. Nothing has really changed in my life: I still struggle to focus on my work, I'm still single, I still have the same number of friends here in LA, and I still mostly feel inadequate and shy in public situations.

But I feel like I'm on an emotional and spiritual "holiday." I hope it stays this way for awhile especially since I also woke up to the fact that I have a ton of work to do between now and June 2009.