Goodbye, 2012

So, this is the last day of the year! I have a lot to be thankful for: job renewal; improvement in my badminton game and joining a new baddy club; good health; continued friendships; and a lot of valuable life lessons. But all those blessings did not come without work, pain, or endurance. I had to live with uncertainty for many months before the renewal was confirmed. I suffered from a knee injury that was healed after 3-4 months of rest and therapy. My badminton game has improved but I have so much more to learn, and instituting the few changes I've made to my game was mentally taxing. My friendships continue by the grace of God, and sometimes, through difficult and painful conversations. Those conversations may not become less difficult in the future, perhaps because I am "too sensitive."

What do I hope 2013 will bring? I hope for more rest, not just physically, but also mentally and spiritually. I may be greedy, but I hope for more blessings from God, and I hope that I will also bless others even when they treat me like crap. The older I get, the more I realize that I want a quiet, safe life.

merry christmas!

seasons

I hate grading at the end of the fall semester because it usually means I'm trying to get everything done before Christmas, and yes, there's a lot to do. And don't get me started on one of my graduate students who had the gall to ask me if I could read a draft if he turns one in on Friday, Dec 21 (and he means 5pm, Dec 21). That means I have to read it either over the weekend, or on Monday, Dec 24!! Yeah, buddy, sounds like a great idea. I hope I never pissed off my graduate advisers the way he keeps pissing me off.

Students, tread carefully around your teachers during this time of the year.

disasters

Luckily, I'm not facing any imminent disasters myself. But, I am watching as one of my colleagues hurtles over a cliff, all by his own self. Must remember that stressful situations can cause people to act in really strange, self-destructive ways. My colleague made the decision he made because he thinks it is a form of agency. Well, sure, self-destruction is an act of agency, but it is not necessary the best course of action to take!

(And, yes, I did say "don't do it," but he did it anyway.)

insights

I've come to the belated but staggering realization that students, teachers, and administrators have different goals and objectives. On a good day, they might overlap, but you can't take for granted that they do so on a daily basis. 

life's lessons

My EQ is not very high, and boy, do I have to work on that now! Badminton has been a lot more fun after I joined a club, but it also does mean learning new tricks, that is, learning how different people operate and how I can relate to them. I am a difficult person, I know, but hey, so is everyone else! Hah.

being the light

We had several short seminars and workshops this past week about how to be Christian in academia. (And no, it doesn't mean going around talking about Jesus.) John Stackhouse has a really helpful view about how to live out one's faith at work, and it involves first, being what we were created to be, that is, human, and second, bringing peace to our workplace.

On the one hand, recognizing that we are human forces us to be realistic about who we are and what we can do. But on the other hand, the mission of Christ is to bring love, peace and reconciliation to the communities in which we find ourselves. Consequently, this view of the Christian story and the role we play in it is both immensely freeing and challenging.

I often struggle with office politics, and am terrible at reading the power struggles. Consequently, I tend to withdraw rather than engage, but it is not exactly the most "shalom" of all approaches. One of my senior colleagues who was at one of the talks said in the elevator, "In order to bring peace to our workplaces, we need to first find peace for ourselves. And there must be a place for people like us because the university, like the church, needs people with different gifts." That is really wise. I'm learning to see now that this job is not just about teaching (even if the rest of the world thinks so), that I do have multiple responsibilities, and that I am called to bring light--to the best of my limited abilities--in all these different capacities.

Sigh. Is it really only Monday today? 

bests

The biggest temptation singles face is thinking that we live with God's second best. This temptation affects our whole view of God's character and his goodness, and consequently, our relationship with him.

Apropos of nothing, we were short-handed again at kid's club this morning. We love those kids, but if three of our kids act up, most of the other 30 will also start yelling and running too. A staff person came in to help us, but even then, the three of us were exhausted by the end of the two hours. I really love those kids, but something's just not right. Maybe we need two smaller classes instead of one big class.

The Sports Fellowship Committee--all THREE of us--will be going bus caroling together in Dec! Bus caroling is one of my favorite activities during the Christmas season.

moderating perfectionism

These days, I have to learn to be more moderate in my habits and routines, and loves and hates. I do think now that I have taken on a bit more than I should have this year, and while I enjoy serving in kid's club, guest services, and sports fellowship, I'd be happier if I didn't have so much on my plate. But being a part of all three also does reveal what makes me impatient, upset, or frustrated.

In kid's club, I am learning to be patient but also firm with our toddlers. Guest services is the most challenging area of ministry because I expect adults to behave like adults, and because this ministry is actually an "easy" way to serve. I still don't understand why it is so difficult for us to recruit volunteers, but there you have it. One of my friends who led this team for two years said yesterday that common sense is not so common, and that it is a good time to chip away at those perfectionist tendencies because I will be working with people from all stages of life. Being part of the sports fellowship committee is fun as I begin to get to know the two main leaders. Organizing activities can be very time consuming and tiring, but also rewarding. As I learn to trust my teammates, working with them will be more fulfilling.

I'm slowly learning to be patient in some of my friendships too. A good non-C friend suggested that I lower my expectations so that I won't feel hurt or annoyed by the people who let me down. After all, whatever I'm doing with my friends is supposed to be relaxing anyway, so why get stressed about it? I'd never thought of things in this light before. I suppose it makes sense. If what we're doing does not have high stakes, why get upset over it? Still, I'd appreciate it if my friends apologize when they are in the wrong....a heartfelt "sorry," is not that difficult to say, is it? I say it all the time, sometimes even when I shouldn't be sorry. (This does not put me on a moral high ground, it merely reveals how often I fail others.)

But life is what it is. This week, I'm out every single night of the week, and I have two different sets of friends visiting from different countries. Next week, another set of friends will be in town. Work is slowly picking up speed as deadlines approach and students begin reading more difficult texts. Thankfully, I have a bit of a break from ministry duties before they pick up again in mid-December.

I'm thankful for my life, but I look forward to my next quiet night at home alone, hopefully at the end of the month.

Kid's Club

I'm really enjoying my time with the three year-olds at church. Every week, we get one or two little girls who cry a lot but they are getting better. Some of the boys act up too and that's more challenging. Without meaning to, I've been tending more to the little girls who cry, and it just means holding them and talking to them until they feel more secure. The other teacher assistants have to tear around the room to calm the boys down. We'll see how long my luck holds.

lemon balm

If you're a woman who is looking for a powerful herb that actually helps ease one's monthly agonies, try lemon balm. I've used it in teas twice now and it does help. I'm very glad I found it, and while my plant is barely surviving now, the herb is reportedly easy to grow.

The black thumb strikes again.

beach olympics

The first event I helped organized for the Sports Fellowship at church! It was supposed to rain, but thankfully, it didn't rain at all, so everyone enjoyed the games and BBQ.

excitement!

So, I didn't get to play in the President's Cup this past month (our team won one match, but lost the next one anyway) and I was a bit disappointed but hey, I'm learning a lot from my Sunday sessions because the guys and the team manager/coach have been helping me/us out when they have time. I don't think I get to complain here! I still have at least one horrible bad habit that I need to break. And it looks like we'll be going to China for a weekend in November to play in a friendly match, and I will be part of the team because my (lack of) grading won't be affected by the match.

Here in HK, players are graded from A to E, and if you win in your group match, you get bumped up a grade. Right now, the team manager/coach wants to "collect" other players without grades and send us out as a team. I hope that he finds enough of us soon so I get to play in competitions!!

Anyway, the weekend in China should be fun as we will take a ferry to the location as a group, and I believe our room and board will be covered by the club that hosts us, and we will be hosted in facilities reserved for foreign guests. Regardless of how things turn out, the experience should be fun, and I'll get to know some of my teammates better.

As of two days ago, I am also now an interim member of the Sports Fellowship Committee at church. They want me on as one of the two leaders, but I am hesitant to commit right now because it could interfere with my baddy sessions. But based on their activities for the next two months, I can help out, so I'd like to see how things go first. Our next two upcoming activities will be biking in Sai Kung, and a night hike to the Peak. My weekends between now and January 2013 are all full!

How did I go from ushering only once a month to serving twice a month in kid's church, co-leading a team of ushers, and possibly leading another committee?? Well, as long as I don't have to co-lead a care group, I'm happy, hah.

I've only had hairy crab twice in my life, and it is delicious. I don't mind not having any other crab ever again! I had it once last year, and I'll probably have it only once this year too. It is very delicious but also very rich, and I don't want to risk getting sick of it after gorging. So, I'll wait another year before I have hairy crab for the third time! 

The brilliant Jo Kukathas

division of labor

It just occurred to me that a lot of the guys I've met here in HK are either bankers or they run their own businesses, or their family's businesses. Some of the women I've met are also bankers but none of them run their own businesses. Why is that??

drama almost drawing to a close

I went to the office today for an hour, and my throat started to feel dry and a little rough, and my nose felt a little congested, but it wasn't bad. Still, I have decided to go ahead and switch my bookshelves to metal ones. Hopefully this can be done soon, and hopefully this will solve the problem and I can work in my office again. 

growing up

I am coming to the slow but sure conclusion that almost all of life, including work, is a power struggle and a search for significance. Like Christ, we can strive for excellence and for the opportunity to bless others, and also to run away from the temptation to manipulate and control others. Me? I'd be happy if I can politely but firmly stop others from attempting to manipulate and control me. I'm surprised by how students try to do this as a means to gain affirmation or attention from me. Was I like that too at that stage?

gangnam style

My church had an announcement video that used part of this video, and everyone burst out laughing. I guess this really is the most popular meme ever. The song is growing on me.

new experiences

The air in my new office still makes me sick. They opened up the ceiling yesterday to do more tests. Haven't heard back about those.

Will co-lead Team D of the welcome team for church.

Have continued to meet new people through badminton. The guy in the import-export business is helping a friend market kinesiology tape so he gave me a roll for free. The tape is supposed to increase blood circulation so that muscles in the affected area can recover more quickly. The first strips I cut were too long, so now I have green tape running from my right wrist to the bottom of my right shoulder blade, and from the left of my lumbar to the front right of my waist. Luckily, I don't have any meetings or classes to go to this week.

I taped my muscles after a session of tuina massage so hopefully those muscles are getting a one-two punch. my right arm is feeling sore from the massage, so hopefully it'll recover more quickly because of the tape too. The coach from my Sunday club taught me how to grip the racket "correctly" and I spent 3 hrs trying to nail that new grip. I know I'm starting to get it right because certain muscles on my right forearm are really fatigued.

But am still missing my shots or hitting them weakly. If I don't make the adjustments soon, I'll prob be left out of the team for our upcoming competition--which would be a fair decision--so I'll be playing an extra day this week. I really need to figure this out soon!

Hike with the sports fellowship this Saturday morning, then a barbecue with another group of friends in the evening. Life is full.

Lots of thoughts recently about my witness for Christ. If I had to grade myself, I would give myself a C-. Lord, have mercy.

on singleness

I don't have an ergonomic work station right now because the air in my office makes me sick (and the safety office keeps telling me that the air quality is excellent, so I must be crazy). It's hard to write long posts for the time being because my wrist and neck hurt when I use a non-ergonomic desk, i.e. my table at home. My apt is too small for me to set up a suitable work station.

Anyway, here's a fairly long article on singleness that I think is very thoughtful and well-written. I'm not an extrovert, so my version of happy-singlehood looks a little different. I have not always been happy about being single but I am happy now, and it is a wonderful place to be. I do have to be careful not to let my single life be self-centered though. I think that it is perfectly fine and in fact, necessary for me to take care of myself, and as someone who is introverted, it does mean a lot of time alone, and on the badminton court. Without that time alone, I start to become a horrible person. Badminton does make me happy, and being single means I can play in team competitions right now, something that I'm happy to be able to do during this season of my life.

But I haven't been able to take on responsibilities recently, and now I will start taking on more. This year, I've joined the children's ministry at my church, and will be helping out at a teacher's assistant in the class with kids aged 3-4. It's been two weeks and I am loving it! I will also probably step up to co-lead a team of ushers for the church. Nothing's confirmed yet though.

Because my church numbers between two to three thousand, and we have three services that meet on four different floors in the same building--yes, it is a bit of a logistical nightmare--co-leading a team of ushers actually will entail a bit of work. This year, the leader of the whole welcome-team, i.e. the volunteer who works with the leaders of the various teams, wants us to take on more of a pastoral role. We cannot take the place of home group leaders but the role will require more than "find volunteers to fill in the slots" which is tough in itself. The previous leaders of my team have really had to scramble to find volunteers sometimes. It does seem strange that we don't hv enough volunteers when our church is so large. And most of us who volunteer also usually volunteer to serve in multiple capacities, so.....

junk boating!

Here are a few pics taken by one of the sports fellowship organizers.

hmm

This post has a lot of insight on the non-married life. Yeah, I'm still really struggling with patience, or rather, the lack thereof.

lazy saturday

literally, out of this world

Does this article describe a completely different generation, or has this subculture always been there but completely out of my sight? The hookup culture was always present on campus when I was an undergrad and grad student but I didn't think it was this bad. Since moving to HK, I've met a few bankers and now I look at them a little askance even if they are Christian ....

----

Afterthought

Imho, this article does not describe the moral degeneration of women per se. Based on public perceptions of what is morally acceptable, women are now just "more like" men. Where previously men were the only ones who could deny the consequences of extramarital sex (e.g. "How can you prove the baby is mine?"?), birth control and better economic opportunities now allow women to enjoy the same access to extramarital sex too, which is why I think we see more prevalent "sexual freedom" in general. This article also points out that in general, women are still stigmatized if they hookup more often while men are not condemned for similar behavior.

Of course, both Christian men and women are held to higher standards. But clearly, women are still more scrutinized, policed, and punished in general. And note also the kinds of conversations and bragging about sexual exploits that women have to put up with in the banking culture. I'm pretty sure men are not subjected to women's tales about their sexual exploits on a regular basis in their workplaces. Imho, such talk counts as sexual harassment.

goodbye, summer

Last Saturday, I went for my church's annual junk boat trip, and it will probably be the last junk boat trip for the season. I love lounging around on the upper deck as we slowly make our way to the chosen bay for the day. Depending on the boat and the destination, the journey can take up to anywhere between 20 mins to an hour. Our boat last weekend was super slow but it was nice to be able to stare up at the sky and enjoy the breeze as we made our way to Clearwater Bay.

We had a catered lunch onboard and that was really unbelievably mediocre in a city where good food can be gotten on the cheap. We had two speedboats that allowed us to wakeboard or go on the banana-boat, and we also had a ton of floaties and noodles so people could relax on the water. I didn't try wakeboarding this time because my shoulder is feeling quite stiff still and I don't want to risk an injury. I went on the banana-boat with two guys and I think we were not very balanced on it and tumbled off in under 10 seconds. My friend who sat in the speedboat said that he could see me bouncing up and down in the front and that perhaps I should've sat in the back and let the heavier guys sit in the front. Well, we'll see how it goes next summer!

The water was really clear that day and we were afraid it would rain but thankfully, the weather was sunny and breezy. I think I hurt my neck a little but overall, I had a really wonderful, wonderful time. No pictures from me because I didn't want to bring my camera to a 50-person trip where I knew very few of the people. Some of the organizers had cameras and I hope they'll share them with us soon!

clearing my head

Every now and then, I fall into despondency, and even though my life is going very well now, it still seems meaningless. Hey, I got tickets to Linsanity! My bosses treat me well and are supportive. Most of my colleagues are also supportive and I have job security for a few years. My family is doing well. HK is relatively safe and peaceful. The air in my new office makes me ill but that should change in a few weeks. (Hopefully.) So why do I keep feeling like there's nothing to life?

I learned last weekend that when I get this way, the best thing I can do is give thanks for the people who have chosen to call me a friend. I'm always in awe of how amazing they are, and how wonderful they choose to be even when I'm sometimes such a shithead. I love it when a friend from far away drops me a line. Or when someone responds to a Facebook post, or tags me in an old picture. I love hearing about my friends' lives when they can find time to tell me a few stories. I love hearing about people's work, and what they're learning in their work. I love it when friends take the time to be kind and do me favors even if I feel a little bad about receiving those favors. (I need to figure out how to treat them kindly too!)

Here in HK, I'm mostly meeting Cantonese people, obviously, but I'm also meeting a lot of Cantonese people who have lived elsewhere for many years, and they have led such different kinds of lives. I'm meeting people who make to me what seems to be unusual kinds of life-decisions, and I'm learning to respect them. Sometimes, I'm perplexed by how they see the world but it's really fun trying to figure it all out! What gives them pleasure? Why do they live? Why do they work? What do they look for in their friendships? I'm really amazed by how kind everyone is. They make my life fun.

Linsanity!!

Wow, I got 4 tickets to hear Jeremy Lin speak in HK! It's organized by local churches here, and my church was allocated a number of tickets which they distributed via a lottery system. I put in a bid for 4 tickets, and I just got the email telling me that I have them!

Now, I need to decide if I'm going to lunch with some M'sian friends, and we've had to postpone this lunch a few times because first I came down with a cold, and then two other friends came down with colds too. Well, it's a good dilemma to have!!

unusual

My badminton friends are very attentive and make me feel really taken care of when we hang out together. One of the guys redid my grip because it was "so ugly," and then restrung my racket too because the tension had gone out of it. Now I'm back to 25lbs on my racket strings and I get a really good snap. Maybe it's because I've gotten so used to taking care of myself, but it's really nice to feel looked after every now and then.

yumm

I'm still dreaming of some of the food I tried during my trip. The most adventurous dish I tried was "fresh" foie gras, aka "raw" foie gras but I didn't know it was raw until after the whole dinner. It was delicious and I wish I could have more!

summer cold

Sat down to dinner with a friend on Tues night, then she said, "I'm sick." Thanks, friend. By 4am on Wed, I woke up with a sore throat so I took my vitamins then went back to bed. The day went well but by Wed night, I knew I was in trouble. I spent Thurs afternoon and evening with chills and body aches, and went to bed by 9pm. Feeling better this morning but don't know if I should play badminton tomorrow night...

paris on a cloudy day

View from my favorite church, La Basilique du Sacré Coeur de Montmartre. Photos aren't allowed inside. I feel really calm and peaceful when I go in, and no other building has quite the same effect, I don't know why.

On a totally unrelated note, I'm hungry again. I had some leftover rice, beef, and veggies for breakfast about an hour ago and now I want another breakfast. This happened yesterday too. Really hungry!!

Sang this song in church on Sunday. Awesome.

thankful

I am happy. That is all.

making a difference

Wow. " People came from all around to hear him pray for them." Moving article.

getting back into the rhythm, wait, hold on...

As always, travel is humbling. I feel like Job must have felt when God takes him on a showy tour of His creations, except I don't meet any whales or anything like that. But seeing the many different cultures, languages, and traditions that belong to humankind? Mind blowing. So, this is what God envisioned when he scattered his people! Yes, there are a lot of ills in all our cultures, but the existence of distinct cultures and ways of being in the world is a reason to rejoice, and to tremble in awe before a God whose capacity for creativity cannot even be imagined. No one person can claim to understand the world. One day, we will see clearly, and oh, what a day that will be.

I must confess that I did not go on my one-week vacation with any goal other than having fun and trying out new food. But even with all that self-indulgence, God made his presence felt. Not in an encounter with the sublime, mind you. That would have been fun as all emotional highs are always fun. But during this week, I felt that God was bringing back to my attention all the little lessons he's been wanting to me to learn recently.

Learning to be kind rather than right, for one. (I think this will always be my Achilles heel.) To give freedom to others, for another. In every relationship, if I am to love them as God loves them, I need to do good by them, but I also need to give them the freedom to choose how they want to interact with me. This can be especially difficult in academia where backstabbing and betrayals occur almost as frequently as they do in soap operas. And in real-life, they hurt more. The third and last lesson that I remember: getting back into "the rhythm" may not always be a good idea. Daily, I think, I will have to learn and relearn how to listen for God's drumbeat. I need to be disciplined, but the progress I make is also dependent on God's grace.

over rome

Last leg of the trip! Moscow seems safer than KL. Fingers crossed. Moscow is super expensive, by the way.

overeating

This trip has included trying a lot of different kinds of food. It has been fun but as I go into the last leg of my vacation, I hav to start eating more sensibly. I have to say no even if I am tempted to try things I have never had before!

moving on

So glad to be done with the conference! The panel went better than I thought it would and I am glad I did not skip out of it because of my nerves. It is amazing how stressful waiting to present can be and this time my panel was scheduled for almost the end of the conference.

Now I can go on my one week vacation with an easy heart!!! 

before it rains in paris

Took a nap on the grass before heading to the first panel for the morning. Forecast is rain for the rest of my trip. Le sigh.

it is a big conference

1396 participants. Feeling a little overwhelmed.....

above moscow

Leaving London, on to Paris!

Last night in London. It's been nice spending time with my aunt, cousin, and cousin's family. My cousin has three boys and they are all very active but also super sweet. My aunt spent a lot of time cooking and feeding me!! I feel a bit bad because all I do is eat....she won't even let me wash up!

It's also been good to catch up with a couple of old friends, one whom I bumped into at the library. She looked like she was going to fall on the ground when she saw me because she didn't think I'd be in town. I should've guessed that she was here though because her husband lives here! She works in the US and I just assumed that she'd be there. Anyway, we hadn't chatted in a long, long while so it was very good to get caught up. Best quote of the day: "I became an adult after graduate school." We traded gossip, and we both came to the conclusion that we can't trust anyone. I feel extremely strongly about this right now. There are very, very few people in my life whom I can really trust.

On the plane from HK to Moscow, I sat next to a very nice man named Sergei, who was unfortunately a little drunk most of the time. It was a bit difficult when he fell asleep with his mouth open because I was breathing in alcohol fumes. But he was very nice anyway. He liked to talk too, and fortunately for me, he stopped trying to get me to talk after about an hour or so. (It was a 10-hr flight, so you can imagine how thankful I was.)

Sergei used to work in a bank (and he now works for a vehicle production company), and he said that the women would always bring their dead potted plants to him, and they miraculously came back to life after he touched them. So he pinkie-swore with me and said, "Next year! You! Marry! Next year!" The emphasis, of course, was on the magic of the pinkie swear.

I think I need to start making up a nonexistent husband when I chat with strange men and old ladies.

more travel, more excitement!

Alright, I must confess that I'm very excited about leaving tomorrow for my trip, mostly because I will be in two countries I've never been in, and I will be going back to one of my favorite cities--Paris! I'll be seeing a lot of old friends at the conference in Paris, and we have many food outings all planned out. I won't have time to do much sight-seeing this time. I'm a little worried about security in Moscow, especially because I have to take a cab from the airport to my hotel in the middle of the night. I'll be spending a lot of time in the air too but I suppose that's par for the course. I predict I'll be very glad to be back in HK after my trip!!

rainbow

This is the first and only rainbow I've seen in HK. I also happened to catch sight of it when I was grumbling to God about how his daughters have such a hard time in this world.

brief, random conversation

I talked briefly with a good friend here about a strange relationship she currently has with an older guy. Basically, she wants a relationship but he just wants sex, and to me that's strange. Like in the movies. Then we talked a bit about marriage, and she said that people only marry if they want kids, and 8 out of 10 spouses cheat on each other. And she thinks that's a conservative estimate. Couples stay together for their kids, and if you don't want kids, then why marry?

That's a sad view of the world, but I didn't say anything. It did however, remind me of a very recent story I heard about an acquaintance, who is a friend of a friend from church. The woman is gorgeous, the husband is handsome, and they are both so in love even after two kids. The husband becomes involved with a woman at work whom he drops the minute the wife finds out about the affair because he doesn't love this other woman. But it's too late because the wife is so hurt she decides she can't trust him after all. Yes, this is a Christian couple. Why would the husband risk his family--whom he clearly loves and still loves very much--for this dalliance? And the poor, poor wife. She's intelligent, nice, sweet, and beautiful. What did she do wrong? Moral of the story? Don't marry an attractive man even if he is Christian. Hahaha....

The world is a crazy, complicated, very scary place.

tony blair

Went to a lecture and Q+A session with Tony Blair yesterday. Disagree with him and Bush about the war, but it was interesting to listen to Blair speak. My boss was responsible for bringing Blair's faith foundation to HKU (they signed the MoU yesterday). Boss probably made himself incredibly unpopular with the rest of the Faculty of Arts.

half the battle won

Figured out that my new shoes were the problem. I started wearing them the same day I played my first badminton game and I finally figured out a week later that the shoes were responsible for the pain I was feeling in my ankles, knees, and iliotibial band. I don't have arch support in my left shoe and I make sure I have plenty of arch support in my right shoe. My ankle is still tight now but otherwise, my right leg feels pretty great. Played badminton yesterday and I did better than I could imagine. There is no pain anywhere this morning too!

My only trouble now is with my shoulder. My friend says I'm tensing up too much and too early when I lift my arm. I didn't even tell him my shoulder was hurting, but when he hit with me, he noticed the problem with my form. It will be extremely difficult to change this habit though because I have a complex about how hard I can hit. I really hope I make a breakthrough though because now my legs are doing great on court!

busy again

Someone I know from UCLA is in town this week, so I'm hanging out with her and her husband as this is their first time in HK. Next week, another friend-teacher from Cornell will be in town, so I'll be hanging out with her next week. Originally the second friend was supposed to come the week after, and had to change her travel dates at the last minute, so I ended up canceling a dinner with one of my friends here last Sunday, and another dinner with friend N this week (both sets of US friends changed plans around at the last minute, not my fault!). Friend N wrote in her email, "if you're my boyfriend, i think i'd break up with you." I wrote back, "yeah, i'm glad i'm no one's boyfriend!"

breaking news

Before my knee injury, I never would have imagined quitting badminton. When I started my treatment, not being able to play was depressing and I did not know what to do with myself. Now, I am even thinking of quitting altogether. Why put my body through that kind of pain again? Why go through the slow rehabilitation when I don't even know how well I can eventually play? To what end?

Yes, I can't believe these thoughts are even running through my head.

----

Update


But I'm going to try again anyway. Badminton this Sunday evening.

survey

If you have two minutes, please help my friend out in her research project! She will be sending out surveys to companies in China on their hiring practices. This particular survey is on what counts as "attractive." It's a quick survey and you get to rank photos of people based on their attractiveness. Your ethnicity, age, and location won't matter. Thanks!

Take the survey here.

okay, fine

Last night, I tried some of the exercises from this website on sports injury rehabilitation, and my body seems to be responding well. Some of the exercises are boring, but some of them are very, very good. "The Clam" is my favorite.

reflections on the alternative treatment

There are days when I think my alternative doctor is a charlatan, and there are days when I think he is a genius. I usually think he's a charlatan when I start exercising and certain muscles get sore or tight. And I usually think he is a genius when I follow his orders to cease and desist from exercise.

My body feels so much looser, relaxed, and just plain good now. I can't help but want to go out there and swim, run, or play! But my therapists (the doctor and his assistants/students) keep telling me, don't do that or you're going to hurt again! I guess they're right, but didn't I get this treatment so that I can exercise? Isn't exercise the goal?? (Being able to exercise might be my goal, but I don't think it's theirs, haha!)

My experience has been very good, but also frustrating because my Cantonese really isn't that good, and their English isn't very good either. I can't obey orders if I don't know why they're giving them! Okay, fine, I now understand that if I exercise now, I'll start to hurt. But how long do I have to wait? What can I do to speed up the healing process?? Yesterday, after my shoulders and jaw started to get tight again because I went swimming this past weekend, one of the assistants said, "Think about it this way. We're doing our best to help your body regenerate, especially in the area of your neck, but you are using your neck more than it can regenerate itself so that's why it started to hurt again." I don't quite understand what it is exactly that needs regenerating, but I suppose there is some kind of logic there even if I don't understand it. So now I'm not allowed to swim until my neck gets stronger.

Doesn't all this seem counter-intuitive to Western science that says the more you exercise a muscle, the stronger it gets? This alternative center says that because your body is not aligned and not strong enough yet, exercising those muscles will cause your blood circulation to be blocked and that will then lead to pain/injury.

So, yes, I'm frustrated, but I can't deny that I'm feeling a lot better than I've had in years. I no longer need sleeping aids. I'm breathing more deeply than I ever have. The tightness in my right shoulder is gone. And my knees no longer hurt or feel stiff when I go up and down stairs.

But this whole process requires patience that I don't quite have.

Coaster no. 5

My alternative treatment center put me on a very strict, temporary, diet of only grains (I opted for red rice), veggies, lean meat and fish. I no longer need to stay on this diet, but when I broke it by eating a McD's McChicken meal (not the smartest choice) and then a Vietnamese sandwich (made with a baguette), I felt awful. So I've decided to keep a mostly gluten-free diet. I'll break it occasionally but as much as I can, I'll stick to the diet.

I made these gluten-free muffins this afternoon. I haven't tasted them yet, but they do smell good!

childhood favorite

Chrysanthemum, red dates, and goji berry agar-agar.

light at the end of the tunnel

Last Thurs, my alt doc told me I could try light exercise, but there's a chance that I would feel pain again. I had a busy weekend, so I didn't get to go to the gym on Monday, and I guess the doc will tell me this Thurs if I'm good to go, but so far, I'm feeling good! My knees start to feel tight if I stand for a long time, but they seem to have held up after Monday's light work out on the bike and the mat. Today, I'm going to go for an easy swim.

Also glad that I found this website on stretches! My doc told me that I cannot skip out on stretching, and that I should hold each muscle for at least 2 minutes. This means my warm-up and cool down will take about 30 mins each. Yeap, I'm glad I'm single and don't have kids!!

I got back in touch with a friend I met in one of my earlier clubs, and he says he'll take me to one of his clubs where I'll meet a lot of other good players. Very excited and I can't wait, and I hope I can start working out for real again very soon!!

coasters 3 and 4

phew

I've had another slump. Helped organize Bersih 3 HK for Saturday (it went very well), and after that, went squid fishing with home group (no one caught anything). Cleaned on Sunday, and barely got any work done on Monday. Went to see the Avengers on Tuesday morning (very fun!), then joined home group for card games. I planned to stay only about an hour an a half or so, but it was about 11pm by the time we ended the games. I laughed so much I thought I was going to feel sick. All this has been fun but I'm feeling tired now--it's the side effects of my alternative treatment. I'm supposed to take it easy and every time I pack my schedule with activities, I end up feeling fatigued. Feeling better in general but my back and shoulder still need work.

face turned to the sun

second coaster of the series

the gift of time

I woke up at 6:21am this morning. This hasn't been so unusual since I started using the "brainwave tuner" app before bed. My alternative doc recommended it--he knew I had insomnia even w/o my saying anything about it--and they lent me a magnet contraption that channels the brainwaves to my head. (Yes, you can just listen to it on your tablet/phone, but you need to listen to it for at least 30 minutes.) I've been falling asleep without melatonin since I started using this app! And, I sometimes wake up about an hour before my alarm rings.

Anyway, the point of the story is that I had time to take a leisurely shower and then sat on my couch and listened to my youtube playlist before heading to work. I feel terrible for not hurrying, and for not using every extra minute I gained by waking up at 6:21am. Why is it so hard for me to enjoy the gift of time? Today is the last day of class, and I don't have a whole lot of prep work to do, so why hurry hurry hurry? Moreover, I'm a little sick and tired of the academic year now. I really want a break.

All my friends are also sick and tired of teaching. Students don't care, and here in HK, you can't even downgrade them for missing classes, and the majority of students only care about their grade, not knowledge. I want a bit of time away from all this. Well, classes end tomorrow, and then students have some time to work on their finals. I'll have a lot of grading to do in May, and then I can say goodbye to this part of my work for the summer. I can't wait, I really can't wait. And I'm pretty sure I'll need alcohol to get through the grading.

This turned into a rant. But originally, I wanted it to be an observation about how guilty I feel when I'm not rushing about. I'd like to feel energetic, but also relaxed. I'm usually either energetic and stressed, or tired and slow and stressed. I'd like to be full of get up and go, but I'd also like to be fully aware that our God is the Author of Time. He has not only designed me to work, but also given me the right amount of time to get that work done.

what to do what to do

Saturday April 21, 2012
Ordering Our Desires

Desire is often talked about as something we ought to overcome. Still, being is
desiring: our bodies, our minds, our hearts, and our souls are full of desires.
Some are unruly, turbulent, and very distracting; some make us think deep thoughts and see great visions; some teach us how to love; and some keep us searching for God. Our desire for God is the desire that should guide all other desires. Otherwise our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls become one another's enemies and our inner lives become chaotic, leading us to despair and self-destruction. Spiritual disciplines are not ways to eradicate all our desires but ways to order them so that they can serve one another and together serve God.

- Henri J. M. Nouwen

???

I'm glad I don't have to see anyone today. I feel like I've become an even more horrible person. I feel like strangling my TA because of a suggestion he made. I won't reply until tomorrow so that I won't send him a WTF email. I like being able to sequester myself, especially on rainy days and on days when I have awful thoughts in my head. But boy, I hope I become a better person, and soon.

Update

This irritability may be due to the moratorium on exercise (knees are fine now, but doc wants to get through problems in my back and neck), but if I'm still this irritable even after I get to work out again, I think I need a therapist.

cool coasters

My church is starting a sermon series on working out our faith, and they're giving away one coaster with a Bible verse on it every week of the sermon series. I love how creative they are!

ouch

I sliced my finger open while struggling with the packaging of the set of magnets I bought in Osaka.

Arima, Osaka, Kyoto

I had a wonderful time in Japan! The conference also went well, but I'm still recovering from the trip. So much to see and so little time. More pictures and stories in my web album.

Trip to Japan

It was amazing. Travel keeps me humble. Hope to post stories soon before I forget them! For now, back to writing class lectures. Oh, I'm so tired.

-----

Henri Nouwen
Friday April 6, 2012

Being Humble and Confident

As we look at the stars and let our minds wander into the many galaxies, we come to feel so small and insignificant that anything we do, say, or think seems completely useless. But if we look into our souls and let our minds wander into the endless galaxies of our interior lives, we become so tall and significant that everything we do, say, or think appears of great importance.

We have to keep looking both ways to remain humble and confident, humorous and serious, playful and responsible. Yes, the human person is very small and very tall. It is the tension between the two that keeps us spiritually awake.

Easter Week

Will be leaving on a trip today, and hoping that typhoons at my destination will not force me to land in a different city! Looking forward to some R&R away from home, even if I will have to work too--it's mostly a business trip. And very much looking forward to good food!

I wonder if I'm feeling low because we're entering the last few weeks of class. Last year, classes were over by Easter Week. This year, we have at least three more weeks of class. I don't know how that happened. I'll feel a lot better once I can start exercising again. Too much TV is not good for me. I can't complain too much since this year is looking like a good year. I've seen old friends, and I've made new ones too. Unfortunately, I feel like I've also lost a couple of old friends.

A part of me thinks, well, you can just write to them and get back in touch! But another part of me thinks, well, they don't seem particularly excited about being in relationship with you, so why bother? I don't know what to do. But I am very thankful for the friends who do make the time to write or drop me a note on FB. I know we're all busy and I don't have to hear from everyone on a regular basis. It's just nice to hear from them every now and again.

must do this.....

Earl Palmer's sermon on faith and doubt is really important for someone like me who likes to think a problem through, but who doesn't dare to stop thinking and start acting. I must start acting more!

voiceless

I'm glad to finally have a resolution to my work situation, and I'm so thankful that it's turned out pretty well! To celebrate, I'd really like to get this masticating juicer so I can add more fruits and veggies to my diet. My immune system sucks. I caught ANOTHER cold, and not only have I lost my voice, it has triggered my airway allergies again. The air purifier does a good job of cleaning the air in my bedroom so I rarely cough when I'm home, but my doctor says that I need allergy meds if I want to get over these symptoms faster. So I'm taking more meds.

Now, my alternative treatment center would say, heck, no, your body should be able to fight this on its own. I had the good fortune of working with a mostly English-speaking therapist on Thurs evening, and she explained that my "complementary treatments" (CT) are supposed to help loosen up my blood vessels, large and small, to detoxify my body. Of course, in their eyes, Western pills can also carry toxins. I love the work they're doing on my body--I hardly ever think about my knees now. But I think I'm going to take these pills until they've gotten my body to a stable state.

Another time, I'll post more thoughts on lessons learned during this season. But the big takeaway discovery I can think of right now is how fearful I am of God. (Yeap.)

------

Update


To be fair, I think I know what to do next. I hope I can do what I know I should do once my body is healthier, and after I meet my most pressing deadlines!

lively night life

I dreamed last night that I was at dragon boat practice, and we were stretching. Then I woke up and realized it was a dream, but fell back asleep and said to myself, "That's okay, keep stretching as you sleep so that you'll recover more quickly!" Of course, my impression is that I kept stretching in my sleep for a long time after that.....

knees

I just emailed a friend to cancel on a baddy session next Tuesday. That's how much my knees are still hurting. I really could barely run today and I felt like my partners were frustrated with me. A friend from church has seen a "tiht dah" and she said he really works, so I think I'll try him out.

There are still many blessings in my life, but this really stinks right now.

house plants

My mom's here for a visit, so we went to the flower market in Kowloon, and I got two new plants. I have a lot of trouble keeping plants alive, but I've realized that I don't kill hydroponic plants as easily because all I have to do is change their water once a week!

koff koff hack hack

Misty morning in HK, but that air is also polluted. You can barely see Kowloon in this picture and it's really not that far off.

My new air purifier! My allergy cough disappears when I'm home in the evenings.

emptiness

I was just thinking last night that I'm afraid of spending time with God because I'm afraid of what He'd do next!!

----

Tuesday February 28, 2012

Letting Go of Our Fear of God

We are afraid of emptiness. Spinoza speaks about our "horror vacui," our horrendous
fear of vacancy. We like to occupy-fill up-every empty time and space. We want to
be occupied. And if we are not occupied we easily become preoccupied; that is, we
fill the empty spaces before we have even reached them. We fill them with our worries,
saying, "But what if ..."

It is very hard to allow emptiness to exist in our lives. Emptiness requires a willingness
not to be in control, a willingness to let something new and unexpected happen.
It requires trust, surrender, and openness to guidance. God wants to dwell in our
emptiness. But as long as we are afraid of God and God's actions in our lives, it
is unlikely that we will offer our emptiness to God. Let's pray that we can let
go of our fear of God and embrace God as the source of all love.

- Henri J. M. Nouwen

happiness is

There are a lot of uncertainties in my life right now, but I'm happy, and thankful that I'm back in a good place. I waited a few days just to be sure that my general sense of well-being was not due to badminton-induced endorphins. I last played on Saturday and haven't played since because I have airway allergies that are manifested in horrible coughing fits. Meds have helped, and I woke up coughing only about 4 times last night. I will play tonight, but wanted to say that I've been happy even without playing. All praise be to God.

terrible cough

Apparently the cough I have now is a kind of allergic reaction to a pollutant in the air.  The air quality in HK this past week was abysmal. Do the high and mighty here breathe from gold-plated oxygen tanks? I haven't been able to sleep through the night for the last few nights because I wake up every time I have a coughing fit. My meds are starting to help, I think, but wow, I've never had anything like this before and I hope I'll never have it again. I drank all that garlic tea for nothing!

Update


I think I'm going to get an air filter. Waiting to see if my brother wants one too.

thanks for the concern, but....

I had a short, funny exchange with an old friend who recently got married, at the end of which she said, "If you're brave enough, you should read some books on sex. I didn't, and I wish now that I had because they would have been helpful." I replied, "I don't think that's my concern right now, dear."

My friends make me laugh!

hearing back

I've been trying to figure out if I should do the _ _ _ at the earliest date, but it would be very time consuming and I just couldn't face the thought of spending all that time on it. God does answer (sometimes) when we ask for wisdom. I was afraid at first that I was being lazy (totally possible) and short-sighted, but I'm pretty sure now that even if I do decide to do it later, doing it right now won't be a good idea. I'll probably forgot what this post is about if I decide to look back at my old posts but, oh well!

My knees have started to degenerate and my physiotherapist has said no running, jumping or weights for awhile. I'm playing badminton this Fri and Sat nights but after this week, I'll go down to playing only once a week, and it's the bike for me during my gym sessions. The quad exercises she taught me are surprisingly difficult, and I can barely do 100 reps. Will work my way up to 200 reps per day. Yes, I'm supposed to do them every day. I guess that's how much I've neglected my quads.

Dodgeball vs Dragon Boat?

My church's dragon boat team is actively recruiting for this year's race and season. I'm thinking of signing up for dragon boat instead of dodgeball now. Dodgeball is fun but last fall, we had a lot of trouble getting enough guys to commit to playing regularly. We ended up having a ton of girls which would be fine if girls could really play as well as guys, but except for Dora, the rest of us really weren't very good. The guys who did turn up for any given match pretty much played in all the games while the girls had to rotate in once every 3-4 games, so it wasn't as much fun for us. Teams tend to field 1-2 girls per match while we had to play 4-5 girls at least, so we really weren't getting as much of a workout.

The dragon boat team, on the hand, will have three boats total, and I'm assuming that one of them will consist of mostly big men, and the others will be manned by weaker rowers out for some exercise and fun, so I think we'll all get a good work out.

I did enjoy dodgeball, but it looks like I'm going to have fun on the water this spring!

----

Update: Brian's found another team whose girls want to put together a girls' team, so we'd play both on the coed team and the girls' team. That would mean more of a work out, but it would mean more nights out on court. Dodgeball matches will be played closer to where I live, but dragon boat would mean meeting a lot more people and the novelty of playing a sport I may not be able to play outside of HK....How do I decide???

----

Update on the update


I'm going with dragon boat. Water practice is on Sunday afternoon and land practice is optional. This leaves my week nights free to do a number of things I may have to do to make myself marketable come the next job cycle. 

blame game

I am beginning to notice the small ways in which my job shapes my sense of identity: I can blame my bad sense of dress on my profession. In other words, because of my job, I can think thoughts such as: "Yeah, my outfit looks odd today. But who cares, the fact that I chose this particular job is also odd, so people won't be surprised if my sartorial decisions are strange ones too."

Funny, huh?

mind boggling

I'm learning lots of lessons now, but unfortunately, these thoughts usually run through my mind right before bed and they are often accompanied by unpleasant feelings. I usually try to fall asleep so no turning on the light to jot down notes. Whatever I do during this season of life, I should not make my decisions based on a desire to escape.

But on the other hand, I feel like it should be alright to escape what does seem to be a less than ideal situation--none of my peers is happy, not one--but then again, God calls us to more. Right now, I feel like I have peace to start exploring other possibilities. The decision is to explore possibilities, not to decide one way or the other. Taking small steps such as this one is manageable but still horribly difficult. I'm now slowly reading a book that is helping me through the process, and as it turns out, there are a lot of other people who are in similar situations, and they go through very similar emotional processes too! Some of them have come out on the other side and have landed on their feet, and are much happier in general.

Fingers crossed that God will not abandon me.

wow

I've been through some pretty tough times, but what I'm going through now is a little harder than what I've gone through in the past. Who said faith gets easier? (Yes, I'm thinking of YOU, haha.) I'm just hanging in there for now. Even L-theanine and a quarter-pill of melatonin could not keep insomnia at bay last night.

Thankful for friends who randomly pop into my life to let me know that I am loved.

And ps - If everyone experiences that moment when they think, "Mom was right," that moment has come for me but I will never tell her that.

Off again

I just unpacked, and now I'll be packing again for the next trip. This time, it'll be for the lunar new year. I'm looking forward to seeing family and friends again, but well, as everyone probably knows, sometimes being with family can be tough too. We'll see what happens this year.

Work has been going very slowly since I got back. Sigh.

I had a very vivid and long dream last night, some of which I still remember and I have mixed feelings about that. Dreams are so weird and sometimes, the very things you don't want to think about resurface in your dreams. In a  funny part of my dream, I had forgotten to tell my parents when something life-changing happened, and I kept worrying about how mad they would be because I was not telling them about my life. (This is generally true in real life.) Okay, so now every time the thoughts around this particular subjects come up during the day, I'll acknowledge them, and let them pass through without trying to repress them because I don't want them to come up in my dreams.

You know, sometimes I don't like my dreams not because they are unpleasant, but because they are simply not true. In some ways, this dream was pleasant because I was not running away from someone with a knife or carrying a burden 100 times my size. But I'd rather have dreamless sleep any day of the week.

back home again

I'm so exhausted. I feel like I fit two months of living into the last two weeks of my life. Got home at 12.30am, and today will be devoted to cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, and TV. The best part of the trip was seeing friends and spending time with them. I didn't take a whole lot of pictures but hopefully I will be able to post some stories about the trip.

cold

Temps have dropped by a lot! Flying out today for the last leg of my trip. I am fine when I am with friends but I feel homesick when I am alone! Glad I will have a roommate for most of the conference.

2012

Traveling has always taught me a lot. I continually have to learn to deal with the visceral responses of being in an airport or sitting in a plane. Those emotions have become easier to live with, certainly, but they are still never easy. Once I leave the airport, I feel a lot more normal regardless of where I am, and I'm thankful for that.

I was jet lagged so I fell asleep long before midnight although I woke up for a bit when the neighborhood celebrated the turn from one year to the next. Reflections? I'm not sure I have the time and energy to reflect on 2011, but here are brief thoughts:

1. I started to feel more at home in HK, and being here on my trip has underscored how settled I feel in HK now. I do enjoy being here but I know I will be glad to be back in HK.

2. I miss my friends. I can't count the number of times that thought ran through my mind last year.

3. I value hospitality because I have so often been blessed by others in this area! As I type this, I'm in Friend J's little New York apt (not as little as HK's of course), and I'm so thankful that she took me in at the last minute (literally) because of complications with my travel plans. Friend J is not a Christian, and while some Christians--though not all--have been exemplary models of hospitality, I am equally amazed by the generosity of my non-Christian friends. I really hope I can bless others in this area too.

4. Work continues to be a difficult and contentious area of my life....and as I am finding out, in the lives of my friends too. God has been gracious and has sustained me this year; He has given me manna for my days. But I continue to associate work with anxiety, turmoil, and trouble.

5. This leads me to my one new year's resolution: that I would trust God more.

Ps - after my trip is over and when I have more time (haha), I'd like to sketch out portraits of the people I've met during this trip. Friendship truly has been one of the greatest blessings of my life.