what would you do if you had a year left to live?

I hate rhetorical questions like this one because it's impossible to live as if you only had a year left to live when you do have to plan for all those others years that have been allotted to you. Okay, that was a badly written sentence, but never mind. (And never mind also that rhetorical questions are never meant to be answered.) We used this ice-breaker again at home church a couple of weeks ago and I groaned inwardly but came up with a fairly honest answer: "I'd travel the world with my friends."

And today, I realized that yes, I would like to travel the world with my friends. It is such a pleasure to either discover new places together or to show someone around a place that is somewhat familiar to me. So if I had a year left to live, I would visit with my friends. Hah. See how impractical this rhetorical question is?? What has that revealed?? (I suppose we should just exercise self-discipline and not answer rhetorical questions.)

I'm not quite sure how to make sense of all the emotions I'm feeling right now. I'm thankful, sad, tired, amazed, anxious, confused....and there have been many hours this week when I've felt excited and happy too (just not right now). Being thankful is an act of obedience at this point, even if it is easy to recognize that I have much to be thankful for!

It's very strange, but the Malay word for "confused," i.e. keliru, seems to resonate more strongly than the English word even though I am predominantly an English speaker. I don't even know why I noticed that, maybe I'm trying to distract myself. Anyway.

Had a great time with SMS who was in town for a speaking engagement and at first I thought MS and I would only be spending an afternoon and evening with her but it turns out that we got to see her for three days of her six day stay. Saying good-bye is always tough.

This came at a kairotic moment: 

Daily Meditation for August 25, 2010
                written by Henri Nouwen
 
_........................................................._
 
Love and the Pain of Leaving
 
Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open
ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love
cause us not only great joy but also great pain.   The
greatest pain comes from leaving.  When the child leaves
home, when the husband or wife leaves for a long period 

of time or for good, when the beloved friend departs to 

another country or dies ... the pain of the leaving can 

tear us apart.
 
Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we 

will never experience the joy of loving.  And love is 

stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope 

stronger than despair.  We have to trust that the risk 

of loving is always worth taking.
 
              ''''''''''''''''''''''''''

One week left of the summer!

School starts up again in September and I'm having mixed feelings about it. I'm relieved that I've finalized the syllabus and course reader for one class and I'm almost done with the other class. But I'm also bracing myself for the whirlwind that the first month of school usually is. This fall, I'm teaching two introductory-type classes, one for undergrads and the other for the MA program, and they require a lot of reading, especially on my part! Since I have to cover a few texts/authors that are not a part of my own research interests, I need to read a little more so that I can explain difficult concepts to others. I'm nervous.

I haven't done enough research this summer either so I'm sad to see the summer come to an end but hey, who knows what the fall will bring!

another random conversation in my head

I often daydream about conversing with different friends especially when I'm trying to think things through. It usually means I'm missing this or that particular old friend and wishing that I could actually talk to the person. But anyway, I was trying to describe Col to an old friend, and in this imaginary conversation, I said, "Oh, he is like CCM!" And as practice, in my head, I thought of how to first describe Col in positive ways.

He is warm. He is affectionate. He enjoys being around people. He is devoted.

But he can also be stifling. Smothering. Obsessive!!

Col and CCM are the kind of guys that are very attractive to most women but not to someone like me. I think I'm realizing that I'm actually pretty happy with some things about being single....such as not having someone breathe down my neck.

I agreed--a little reluctantly--to play mixed doubles with Col in a competition that one of his business organizations is putting on so we played together last weekend at one of the clubs we both go to, and he was also more "attentive" when we were watching other pairs play. But as much as I appreciate his friendship, I realized that I'm really glad we're only platonic friends because......I need my space. Someone like Col would drive me nuts. He called me 4-5 times on Sat and I didn't pick up because I didn't want to talk at that point and later he said he called me so many times because he was "worried" about me.

????!!!

Theoretically, I appreciate the concern but really, I'll ask for help if I need it and I don't want to be picking up the phone because someone else is worrying about me when there's nothing to worry about. Does that make sense or am I crazy??? 

So, I hope this just means that I'm not interested in having Col be an intimate part of my life, and I hope it does not mean that I'm meant to be single forever although if it's a choice between a guy like Col or being single, I choose to be single. Maybe I'd be happy to have a different kind of guy breathe down my neck, although I'm pretty sure a guy who's independent and busy would probably work better for me. Like I said, guys like Col would be great for most women, just not someone like me.

Must remember that all gifts are to build up, encourage and bless the community.

headache

Luckily, I don't suffer from headaches like some of my friends but I get what I think of as the "heavy head" syndrome. That's when I can't seem to hold my head upright and all I want to do is hold my head in my hands. I'm having an attack right now. I turned in a seed research grant that is supposed to be automatically granted to new profs at my institution but I've just been told that I have 10 days to revise it because the project sounds too advanced.

Advanced my foot! I've barely begun this work!! So now I have to go back and do more work to make it seem more like a pilot project. Thanks a lot, really, thanks.

Went for a short run yesterday now that my cold symptoms have cleared up but by the end of the run, I was close to blacking out. I'm going to try another short run this evening, and that will give me an indication of whether or not I'll be ready to go running tomorrow with my home group from church.

still miserable but smiling

I spent most of the past four days trying my best to get better and my bones which had previously turned to jello are slowly recovering as well but the congestion is only partly gone. I really must find a way to get sick less often!!!! This time round, the muscle aches and chills were the worst I've ever experienced. For a moment I thought I had the flu but then concluded that it can't be because I was keeping food down. I picked up a 1078-page translation of Alexander Dumas's "The Count of Monte Christo"--which I had never read, believe it or not--and finished it this morning. The novel was quite entertaining but it also required a great amount of effort to suspend disbelief.

Anyway, two reasons why I'm smiling:

First, a now-retired popular HK singer who loves badminton showed up to the Sat night badminton group I usually play with.....I was too sick to play but I showed up to watch and made sure to wear a surgical mask. Yeah, I couldn't resist. (And I was so exhausted just from watching!! This cold has really drained me.) The club's organizer told me about her visit a couple of days ago and I was convinced he was pulling my leg so he said, "Come and see for yourself! You're not allowed to play because you didn't sign up before the spots were filled up but you can just come." So I did. I was too shy to ask for her pic although she was very bubbly and generous with everyone who wanted a pic. The pic here is of the celebrity (in the middle) with the club organizer and his wife.

Second, the aforementioned club organizer, Adr, was FB chatting with me a couple of hrs after the session and I'm not sure how but he started asking me how old I was, if I had a boyfriend, etc. He already knew that I have a PhD and when he found out that I'm turning 32 this year, he said "You have to lower your standards. And don't tell people that you are a professor. Just tell them you are a teacher. If you tell people you have a PhD, it is like taking out a sword and killing them." Then he recommended a local dating site for people in our faith community and said "They won't take you on after you hit 35."

So now I'm smiling because it's really funny. I'm sure Adr sincerely believes everything he said to me and I'm not naive enough to disbelieve him but.....well, it's nice to have sincere friends, yes?? 

Okay, I need to go lay down again.

Can't find a good youtube music video of SY, but in this video, she sings one of the theme songs to an old movie from the early 90s. She doesn't show up on screen but you can hear her voice.