Worth reading all the way through.

friend visit over

We had a really lovely time. I like hosting. I like meeting up with old friends. I learned a lot these past couple of days. Need to write about it soon.

But I'm just exhausted and I need to grade and then rest tonight because I haven't been writing for a few weeks now so I am determined to get some writing done this weekend.

blahs again

I now expect to feel low the week after I finish a major project, so last week's fatigue was par for the course as the seminar presentation was a pretty significant piece of work and then I was sick with a bad cold as well. But I'm starting off this week still tired out and I have to grade student papers this week as well as try to to do my own work, and host a friend who's visiting from out of town. My life really could be worse, except that I need to work on my public voice because next week, we have another seminar with a couple of big names in political theory and it will be very odd if I don't ask a question or perform in some way. It will look odd because our guest speaker from Chicago will be speaking about race and I'm the only postdoc in the group who works explicitly on race. After SMS's lecture last week, I know she'll be watching to see if I'm going to open my mouth and not just speak but speak with confidence and sophistication. A part of me wonders how I'm going to pull off a miracle this quickly and it is weighing me down somewhat.

I'm very much looking forward to J. Yip's visit from Wed-Fri as he and his family now live in SA and we haven't seen each other in a very long time. This visit may also be the only visit for a long time too. I need to organize my time and thoughts, aaggghh!!!!

A lot has been going through my head the last few days but I haven't had the time or energy to write about them. Hopefully I won't forget since they are milestone-type insights.

"When you are shame-based, an observation becomes an evaluation."

-- Paul Young via a John Townsend sermon.

wham bam!

Met with the other mentor of the program today, and she had nice things to say about my paper too but it was to frame her comments on my oral, public performance on the day of my seminar: "But you write so beautifully and with such confidence and I just couldn't believe how you stumbled in your seminar . . . . I just don't understand it. What happened??"

Oy vey.

It is so difficult to hear when it comes from someone you adore! And it is oh so difficult to hear it from someone you adore who looks as if she is reading your very soul. But then again, this is precisely why I adore her. She will not let me get away with delivering anything less than the absolute best. It doesn't matter that I did my best, or even if a few others do think that I performed well enough, if what I did was not the best of how it can and should be done, it is just not good enough, and I need to get on it.

FL

I just had lunch with one of the two mentors of the program and she said in passing, "Oh, you're thinking in quite sophisticated ways" re the seminar paper I presented last week. I had to write it down for myself and when I'm feeling glum, I'll come back and look at this blog post. Obviously, our mentors/teachers don't realize how much their feedback means to us.

this is really funny!

Yesterday. Was. Amazing.

I was sweating for most of the two-hours we were in the room but at the end, it was all so very productive. It was academic life at its best.

Exhausted now because I rarely sleep well after our seminars--too many racing thoughts--and have to prepare for my class in a couple of hours, then I need to get started on something else that I need to get done by the end of the week. Hope I don't get sick.

It's pretty cool to have mentors who commit to caring about you regardless of how successful you are. I'm going to remember them as I prepare for my seminar presentation this afternoon. It's going to be a long day as we have a reception after the seminar, and then a private dinner after that. I just found out my small group is planning on spending more time worshiping--as opposed to the unfortunately mostly uninteresting blather that passes for "discussion"--and I won't be there. I can't miss the dinner though because it will be in honor of me (we celebrate the person presenting that day) and I chose to have the dinner at a sushi restaurant that sounds pretty good.

I love the light in this picture

excerpt

On Tears

A small article towards the back of a People magazine told the story of a little
girl named Ashlyn.(1) She was described as an incredibly happy child, eager and
energetic.  According to her mother, Ashlyn has the best laugh in the world, and
according to her kindergarten teacher, she fearlessly goes headfirst into
everything.  In many ways she is a typical, lovable five year-old.  But Ashlyn
is one of only 50 people in the world with a genetic condition that leaves her
unable to feel pain.  She can feel touch and be tickled, but she cannot sense
pain or extreme temperatures.

Ashlyn's parents are used to being asked why such a condition is daunting news
at all.  Their reply is one racked with the sting of experience: Pain is there
for a reason.  When she was a toddler, they had to wrap her with athletic tape
because of all the damage she was causing to limbs that knew no fear. She has
knocked eight teeth out and dug a hole in her eye without shedding a tear. 
She once came in from outside proclaiming she couldn't get the dirt off her
skin.  But it wasn't dirt.  Ashlyn was covered with hundreds of biting fire ants.

It is hard to read such a story without coming away with the difficult conclusion
that pain is necessary. Imagine not knowing when you have scalded your mouth on
a hot meal or bit your tongue so badly that it bled.  Imagine your child
reaching out for the flickering light of a candle and not having the pain of
burned fingers to reinforce your scolding plea not to play with fire.

The great majority of our philosophical frustration about pain is aimed at asking
why a loving God would allow it in the first place.  And yet, the closing lines
of Ashlyn's story were the words of a heartbroken parent:
"I would give anything, absolutely anything, for Ashlyn to feel pain."(2) 
Pain is the body's signal for danger, however severe or slight.

"A Slice of Infinity"
-------

There's more to today's email from Ravi Zacharias's ministry and you can find
the rest of it online. It forced me to think about why certain kinds of pain
are "necessary"--the columnist offered no answers but the assurance that God
keeps track of our tears and that they are not superfluous or unseen. "You have
kept count of my tossings, put my tears in your bottle" (Psalm 56:8, ESV)

It seems so natural to think of certain kinds of pain as necessary and desirable
even, but I have a really hard time with other kinds of cries of the soul as
necessary and desirable. One day, all will become clear.

another great news piece

Yay clean energy, yay unexpected brilliance!