transit

I hate the actual experience o f being on the road. Planes and airports usually bring back al the repressed memories of first leaving home. But once I am out of the airport, I start to feel better. It is still strange to be back in this place as a guest and visitor because it is now familiar and unfamiliar.

Paper two still needs a lot of work....hope I can get the work done! Looking forward to the wedding tomorrow.

lessons on anxiety

As my previous posts have indicated, I'm going through another season of uncertainty and anxiety. During this time, I've been emailing a small group of friends who pray for me as I go through this season. This group of friends are people I've known for awhile, and they also include my church home group leaders here in HK who haven't known me for as long. As the months have passed, some of my friends have written back to point out that I have survived all my other seasons of uncertainty and anxiety. They did so with humor and gentleness so I didn't feel condemned, and that was very helpful. Some weeks have been tougher than others, and during those times, the only prayer I can pray is, "Lord, please stop these feelings, please help me." Thankfully, I currently have a reprieve from feeling overwhelmed by waves of anxiety. Truly, peace, like faith, is a gift.

During this time, I think I've also learned a few lessons on how to deal with anxiety and worry. First, during the seasons of your life when you don't have much to worry about, read and learn about, and start practicing spiritual disciplines! When your workload is heavy and your mind can't seem to focus on everything but your worries, your heart and mind won't be motivated to develop these spiritual habits. But if you work on them when the walk is slow and pleasant, then it will be easier to recall these exercises and put them to practice. When you are filled with anxiety, it will take all your strength and discipline to do them.

Second, try not to think of the future. This is a tough one. My friends also point out that I'm a pessimist and that I expect the worst to happen. This is wrong because God promises us hope for the future. But, it doesn't make sense to me to expect that what I desire will come through! I can't help being a realistic person, and the picture does look grim. I can't lie to myself and think, yes, I'm going to get this! I haven't completely worked out the biblical basis for my position yet, but my goal is to be happy with whatever God gives me because He is a good God who does not play around with our lives.

The only way I can deal with the anxiety around my future is neither to be a pessimist, which ignores God's sovereignty and love, nor an optimist, which ignores the realities of the world, but to be someone who sees, tastes, and enjoys God's presence and his gift in the present. In this position, I keep my eyes both on God's sovereignty and love, but also on the realities of this world. The worst possible outcome might indeed materialize, but it does not help to dwell on it. If I focus on God's presence in my life now, and if I keep doing so as we go along, what materializes at the end of this ordeal will not matter. Should the worst happen, will I still praise God and call him good? I don't know, but I certainly hope so.

When I get ready for work in the morning, I usually play one of Earl Palmer's sermons as I brush my teeth. This morning's sermon on freedom in Christ was particularly good because I enjoyed his parable of the kite!

Isaiah 41:8-13

The Message (MSG)

 ^8-10"But you, Israel, are my servant.
   You're Jacob, my first choice,
   descendants of my good friend Abraham.
I pulled you in from all over the world,
   called you in from every dark corner of the earth,
Telling you, 'You're my servant, serving on my side.
   I've picked you. I haven't dropped you.'
Don't panic. I'm with you.
   There's no need to fear for I'm your God.
I'll give you strength. I'll help you.
   I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.
^11-13"Count on it: Everyone who had it in for you
   will end up out in the cold—
   real losers.
Those who worked against you
   will end up empty-handed—
   nothing to show for their lives.
When you go out looking for your old adversaries
   you won't find them—
Not a trace of your old enemies,
   not even a memory.
That's right. Because I, your God,
   have a firm grip on you and I'm not letting go.
I'm telling you, 'Don't panic.
   I'm right here to help you.'

disgusting

A contact posted an article about how US soldiers raped Iraqi women, and it included fairly graphic pictures. The story made me sick. I couldn't make up my mind about whether or not I should share the story because what if it plants horrifying ideas into other people's minds? Who knows what could trigger copycat actions? The friends who do read this blog would be more mature, I think, but still, please go to the article at your own risk.

If you read this article, then you may want to watch this video:

Okay, so this is what I really feel like

Wow, I am snapping at people over the smallest things.

weekend

Looking forward to bus caroling tonight.
Feeling better now.
People must have been praying for me this week.
I even had a dream about something unrelated to work. That dream revealed an issue I have to deal with in a different area of my life. I am scared, and I don't want to deal with this issue. But even when I don't think about it, I dream about it. Lord, have mercy.

Major writer's block

A ton of finals to grade within the week, and I still have to write the two talks that I have to give at a conference in January. Other things have popped up that are making me feel really stressed out, and I can't stop worrying. This really sucks.

Pepper

Ginger

Checkers

These are my friend's cats, which I play with every time our home group meets. But I am moving to the new home group that's splitting off from this old home group. So, bye bye cats. It's been lovely holding you even if you make me sneeze.

I now take L-theanine in the morning and in the evening. I feel like leaving a bottle in my office so I can take one midday too. I'm sure all this is good for me but I really want this season to be over. I wish I knew how to turn off the worry-switch.

writer's block again

I have two papers to present in January and I haven't started writing either paper! I do have outlines for both now, thankfully, but I have to write write write or risk public humiliation. I don't have anything in cold storage that I can cut and paste this time. This is so painful.

But on a happy note, I think I might have a professional opportunity that will improve the look of my CV--someone at a major research university asked me to be part of their new working group that they're trying to set up. Too bad nothing's confirmed and I can't advertise the fact to potential employers, hah! This is Christmas manna from the sky. I wouldn't have been able to do anything on my own to get this little piece of cake icing on my plate. If this goes through, it will be fun for me to be part of an international working group that includes a couple of senior profs whose work I like and respect. Is this amazing or is this amazing?

:)

I sent out an email to a group of friends, asking them to pray about something, and the three fastest replies aggregated by gmail was "Paul, Peter, John." It would've been cuter if it was "Peter, Paul, John," but this is cute enough!

Okay, that doesn't make any sense. But I love my friends!

night hike

I vaguely remember having gone on a walk in the US when we were in the desert but it wasn't a very long walk. Last Saturday's night hike with some friends from church was the second night hike I've done here in HK and I love night hikes! The view is so much better at night, and I really like walking around in the dark even if it never gets truly dark in HK!! Maybe the trails on the islands or in Sai Kung would be darker. We were hiking on the main island. I don't get to to go on night hikes very often because hiking at night is more dangerous if you don't know the trail, and apparently, a few years ago, hikers were robbed on trails by illegal immigrants. There's less of a problem now but it is still safer to go in a group led by someone who knows what he is doing.

When we get to heaven, I'm going to go on a ton of night hikes!!!!!

beautiful start to the week

Clear blue skies, sunshine, and a mild, crisp breeze....what a glorious Monday! How do I work as unto the Lord this week? What would it mean to live out this week with the conviction that the Lord of the universe is an intimate part of my life, that He guides, leads, and blesses me? What would it mean to live loving others and hoping the best for them?

We persevere because He is faithful

done

Broke my social media fast. Back on everything except gchat and MSN because they are too distracting.

I'm glad to be back on FB because I miss my friends but the return was also a bit anti-climactic. I guess, yes, FB fills a need for social interaction but it really isn't the same. I miss my friends.

Side effect of going on an FB fast

I blog more.

Feeling homesick today but I have no idea what I'm feeling homesick for....I don't usually feel this way.

Hebrews 11:13-16 (The Message)

^13-16Each one of these people of faith died not yet having in hand what was promised, but still believing. How did they do it? They saw it way off in the distance, waved their greeting, and accepted the fact that they were transients in this world. People who live this way make it plain that they are looking for their true home. If they were homesick for the old country, they could have gone back any time they wanted. But they were after a far better country than that—heaven country. You can see why God is so proud of them, and has a City waiting for them.

more about nightmares

My best friend from grad school said that she's been having nightmares about her work situation too--they were pretty funny dreams!--and that another one of her cohort is now thinking of going to law school. What other field prompts this many career jumps??? (Her partner is now thriving in medical school where she gets to play with surgical power tools.) Oy vey.

Yeap. Things are hard again.

Romans 5:1-8 (The Message)

By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.

 ^3-5There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!

 ^6-8Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him.

Time to meditate! Simple definition of meditation from an LA Times article today: "...the ability to detect the first signs of mind-wandering, to recognize and essentially forgive the impulse, and then gently to draw the mind back to the task at hand."

Happy Thanksgiving!

I no longer celebrate the holiday and I don't really miss it that much, although I do miss volunteering in LA! My church there is part of a multi-church Thanksgiving event for those in need and I volunteered the two Thanksgivings I was there. It was really fun even if I did not enjoy washing the feet of the homeless. I really have a lot of trouble with odors and I've taken to wearing perfume here because not everyone in HK wears deodorant and if I happen to sit next to them, I can at least try to mitigate the effects by subtly pushing my nose into my clothes.

Anyway, I started this post because of this article on the effects of being thankful. God knew what he was doing when he told us to give thanks in all things!

Oh, and ps, I woke up this morning from a nightmare about my job situation. Well, I'm not responsible for my unconscious!

Oh no

A few close friends who are in my line of work asked me last week if I am "okay," and if I'm "coping" with the uncertainties of this season of my life. My first response was, "Huh, what are you talking about? I'm having a lot of fun! I just found out that dodgeball season is over but it'll start up again in January!" And then I thought about why they said what they said, and last night, I had to fight off a panic attack.

My friends meant well when they offered me comfort, but it's also funny how they reminded me of all the different things I should be doing now, and also of how so much is already out of my hands. It's no fun thinking about these things and I've been coping with it all by keeping myself busy with fun and games! I'm out every night of the week again. Looking forward to Sunday because besides church in the morning, I have absolutely nothing planned.

Work is going very slowly as I wind up my lectures and I begin preparing finals for the students. I just want to sleep and watch TV, and not think about the research work I have to do now!!!!

dodgeball!

Team photos from the last league game of the season:

Lesson # 1.5

God will meet my needs....sooner or later. I miss the instant gratification of FB, but allowing one's self to feel lonely from time to time can actually teach us patience. Our needs and desires don't always have to be satisfied immediately.

of spiritual disciplines

Why am I on an FB fast again?? Why??? And why did I say I would go off of it for SIX WHOLE WEEKS???? I must have been out of my mind!!!! It is Day 5 of the fast and I'm feeling lonely and isolated. I need my social media!! What's wrong with social media????

This spiritual discipline is not fun at all, but as Nouwen might say, it does reveal my need and dependence on others' affirmation and company. Yes, we all need to belong to a community but leaving my FB community for awhile won't kill me. Still, I shouldn't have decided on a SIX-WEEK fast. Fasting is not my favorite spiritual discipline.

yay!

My students clapped at the end of the last lecture for one of my classes! Over the next two weeks, we don't have lectures because they have project presentations to give. I'm feeling good!

FB fast

Day Three of my six-week fast: I realize that I often think in terms of "status updates" now.

I can't share news stories through FB, so here's one on "vulture funds." This is the first time I've heard of the term and it really is unbelievable how the poor can be even more exploited than they already are.

Posting on the run, will come back to this later to elaborate:

"For artists, entrepreneurs, and any other driven creators, exercise is a powerful tool in the quest to help transform the persistent uncertainty, fear, and anxiety that accompany the quest to create from a source of suffering into something less toxic, then potentially even into fuel."

This blog post on leadership is falling in nicely with other thoughts that have been running through my mind this week, prompted by Ortberg's book (see earlier posts) which I just finished, and Earl Palmer's sermon on how the Ten Commandments are life-giving. The two Christian pastors have been very helpful in teaching me to see how spiritual disciplines bring freedom, not misery, and I'm slowly testing that out. So far, they are right. 

It's interesting to see the same principles at work on a secular blog on leadership too, and it was helpful to read this blogpost because my work is all ambiguity and very little certainty right now!

correlations

I'm not sure, but I think I'm starting to notice a trend. I often feel blue and go into paroxysms of self-doubt about my chosen career--and it's also true that all my friends who are in this profession go through the same paroxysms--but they are more acute when I'm less focused on Christ in my life. In other words, when I am more focused on loving God and loving the people around me, the agonies of wondering if I am in the right vocation become much less acute.

Well, but then again, I'd have to observe my reactions more before I come to a conclusion about this! I've been feeling really fatigued this week. On Monday, I literally slept two hours in the morning and two hours again in the afternoon, and worked in between those two long naps. Then I fell asleep at about 11.30pm that night. In spite of all the "wasted" time sleeping, my class yesterday went fairly well, and I feel good about the lecture that will start in about 20 minutes. I can't wait to get in class and spend time with my students!!

Maybe Ortberg is right, maybe we do need a better theology of sleep!

Hurry Sickness

I'm really enjoying the kindle app on my Galaxy Tab! It works way better than the ebook app. Kindle versions of books are now only a little cheaper than the print versions but since shipping to HK is about the same price of the book, I now buy some of my books via Kindle....so long as I don't need them for work because Amazon still hasn't put page numbers on their ebooks!!! Hello, we need to CITE!!!

I've finished Gilbert Bilezikian's "Beyond Sex Roles" and the anthology "How I Changed My Mind About Women in Leadership," and am now reading John Ortberg's "The Life You've Always Wanted." I loved Bilezikian's book for its organization and thoroughness and I found the anthology really helpful because it showed how there is a whole spectrum of positions and responses among those who call themselves egalitarian. Someone like Tony Campolo argues in no uncertain terms that gender inequality within the church is tantamount to sin, while others take a more conciliatory approach as they play pastoral roles in their congregations. Many of the male evangelical leaders also detail their long resistance to changing their minds about the position of women in the church too, and it was just wonderful to hear all of that.

Ortberg's book is a "spiritual disciplines for dummies"-type book, and I appreciate his approach. I have Richard Foster's book but I had to put it down after a couple of chapters because I felt too guilty after failing at meditation. We'll see how far I actually get with Ortberg's book, but so far I like how he quotes other spiritual giants such as Brother Lawrence on how we will always be beginners at prayer.....even Brother Lawrence never felt that he ever "mastered" prayer! This Saturday, I will be joining other folks from the women's ministry in my church on a day-long silent retreat before playing badminton in the evening. I'll bring along a list of exercises I can try!

This week, I'd like to pay attention to "Hurry Sickness." I fit the bill for all the symptoms, and I love that the cures to hurry sickness are pretty funny. One strategy is to choose the longest line in the grocery store, or if you're driving, then choose the slowest lane. I'm totally the kind of person who keeps track of the other line that I could've chosen to see if I've made the right choice, and when the other line moves faster than the line I ended up picking, I feel frustrated. But why? What does saving a couple of minutes add to my day??

More importantly, the choice to live in an unhurried manner recognizes and proclaims our dependence on God. As an act of faith, it declares that the Author of Time has given us enough time to do what He has called us to do. As an act of faith, it reminds us to love and depend on Him, and to love others. In my hurry, I often end up snapping at strangers here in crowded, bustling HK, and worse yet, I snap at family and friends, but to what purpose? My life is not happier nor am I more productive because I get someplace five minutes earlier. I'm going to consciously practice unhurriedness now. My relationships will probably improve, and I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that my work will be all the better for it too!

the weekend needs to start now.....

Yesterday, I gave a 2-hr lecture, and after that about 10 students held me back for 30 mins for more questions and discussions. That has never happened before and I don't think I have the energy to do that every week, but I love seeing students engage with difficult ideas. If I had to give myself a grade as a lecturer, yesterday's performance would be a B at best, but those few students turned that class into an A! I'm the lucky duck.

I'm also learning a few lessons on the badminton court. I don't have the energy to blog about that now and hopefully I won't forget them too soon!

intense

I had lunch with my homegroup leader today and it was immensely helpful. She helped me see how I was starting to get cross-eyed from chasing my tail as I tried to figure out a few issues in my head. Sometimes it does help to get an outsider's perspective on things and she had very useful suggestions for how I might approach the problem. She noticed that I'm perhaps relying on myself too much and that I need to relax and trust that God is in control. I didn't think I was relying on myself too much....after all, I think that I'm not doing enough! But I will try trusting God a little more just to see what happens. 

well-meaning

Do you have well-meaning friends who take the time and trouble to give you good advice but sometimes it feels misdirected? I'm thinking of a sweet old friend who recently suggested that I check out a popular Bible study group guide (BSF, for those of you in the church circles) and I'm thinking, "Are you for real?" Something like that would put me to sleep and make me impatient with Christianity.

It's like someone saying to a health-freak, "Hey, have you heard of granola bars? You should try them, they are a really health way to snack!" Sure, granola bars are probably better than potato chips or candy corn but fyi, granola bars, especially the commercial kinds, are terrible for you because they have a ton of corn syrup in them. So if you're trying to snack healthy, and you absolutely love granola bars, do yourself a favor and grab the kind made by an organic company and check the label to see how much sugar it has. Better yet, just eat a piece of fruit!! (I carry organic granola bars for hiking trips when fruit is too squishy or heavy to carry around.)

Okay, so maybe BSF isn't best compared to a granola bar and I'm sure courses like Alpha and BSF are great for some people but I prefer to read actual books. I get enough of talk in my work.

If you've never seen candy corn before, here's a picture. I liked them in college but the thought of eating a single candy corn gives me a headache. (My poison of choice is potato chips.)

hangovers

I don't drink and I don't party but my weekends are busy enough that I am barely functional when the week starts off. Gotta slow down.

confession

If I can't explain a concept to my HK undergrads, it means I don't understand it. Luckily, I don't have to explain Levinas to them.

so far to go

A few things I think I need to work on in this season of life:

1. Learn to speak out of conviction in humility, kindness, peace, patience, gentleness, and kindness.
2. Learn to be patient as others walk with God. If I can only grow as fast as grace allows, others do too!
3. Learn to wait on the Lord as he continues to speak to me about how to use my gifts, and where to use them. The answer may not come for awhile, and in the meantime, I am to be faithful in the context within which I've been placed.

And no, I'm not being hard on myself. I'm actually quite calm and peaceful about my life right now.

Soli deo gloria.

the tango

One step forward, two steps back....Had a great weekend of friendship, rest, play, and TV, and I felt like I was on a roll. Then Monday comes and I feel like a failure all over again. Grumble, grumble, moan.

My readings on women's role in the church over the last week or so, and the sermon I listened to this morning, have made me think again about the question of calling, gifts, and life direction. That is to say, I have no direction, I think I'm using my gifts, but I don't know what my calling is. I do enjoy teaching, especially when they are liberal arts college type classes, i.e. small, engaged, and intense, but I am currently struggling with the writing portion of my job. This is a bit of a concern since I do need to publish to keep an academic job. But a part of me also wonders if there are other things I'd like to do. I don't have any answers now and I'm not stressing out about it. I'm just going to let those thoughts percolate for awhile.

next week

This week was relatively quiet because I cut down on badminton and social sessions, but oops, next week looks busy again with dodgeball, badminton, lunch, a movie, church home group, etc. I think I'm going to need to have a quiet week after a busy week. I don't like it when there are too many people around me!!

poopy face

Recently, a friend said some things that really hurt me. That friend may not have meant to hurt me but sometimes I wonder why people are not more careful with their words. Surely everyone knows that certain topics or issues are hurtful so why turn those things into a joke? Friendship does not mean one can be rude or take liberties with another person's feelings. My way of dealing with this problem is to avoid the friendship for awhile until I can go back. I don't trust myself to say anything right now.

But I learned two lessons yesterday that are precious to me for the simple fact that they came in a quiet whisper. (No, I didn't hear an audible whisper, but these thoughts brought peace and calm with them.) Some lessons come with thunder and lightning, and these ones were gentle:

1. I realized that I felt like a boat being tossed about in the storm all over again. Then a little voice said: "But when Jesus walked on water, he did it in a storm."

2. Women let the world fix their worth too much. Popular culture shapes normative ideas of feminine beauty (shape, size, height, accoutrements, etc.), and consequently, they fix our value as women too because they tell us that we are valued based on how attractive we are to men. But those aren't biblical values at all, and it really irks me when Christian women friends reproduce those beliefs or assumptions in their friendships. Really, I don't need to hear it from you. Sigh. What does it mean to be a woman of God?

The leaderless resistance

We see evidence of the desire for redeemed social structures in protests such as Occupy Wall St, especially in their self-descriptions: "Occupy Wall Street is leaderless resistance movement with people of many colors, genders and political persuasions. The one thing we all have in common is that We Are The 99% that will no longer tolerate the greed and corruption of the 1%."

stages of life

I'm not sure what stage of life I'm going through now, but sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode. I'm not as productive as I'd like to be at work but I still feel like I'm learning a ton. So many different thoughts are running through my head these days, and some of it I manage to put down in my paper diary, and some of them I put here. But far too many slip away!

I've put Kenneth Bailey aside for awhile because his writing is quite dry, and now I'm reading Nouwen's "The Genesee Diary" before bed. Watching a spiritual giant struggle with discipline, focus, prayer, faith, and gentleness reminds me to be more patient with myself. Will also be ordering Walter Brueggemann's "Introduction to the Old Testament" and "Theology of the Old Testament" so that I can learn more about the Old Testament. Those won't come for awhile, but I'm not worried because I have 3-4 of Ken Bailey's books still sitting on my desk! I'm also thinking of getting NT Wright's 3-volume Christian Origins and the Question of God, but let's see how I feel tomorrow.

I bought the Kindle edition of Beyond Sex Roles and after the first chapter on the Genesis passages, I became an egalitarian. That said, I do think that the commonalities between egalitarians and complementarians are far stronger and more important than their differences. But the biblical interpretation in Bilezikian is so impressive. I wish I could pay such close attention to the texts with which I work!

The only thing I regret is having gotten the book on Kindle for Android. Even though I loved being able to start reading the book almost immediately, I really really wish the kindle app shows page numbers. There is no way to say, turn to page XX for an example of how the author changed the way I think of church leadership in and of itself! By changing the way we understand the nature and constitution of leadership within the church, the question of whether or not a woman can be a leader becomes moot. (And then, for good measure, he goes on to provide numerous biblical examples of women leaders in the home and in church anyway.)

I'm tempted to also get this other book with essays from evangelical leaders and pastors on how they became egalitarians because some of the reviewers were particularly impressed with Cornelius Plantinga's essay, but I can't decide if I want to get it via Kindle, or get the hard copy so I can loan it out.


This question of woman's place in the Bible has dogged me for awhile, and I've evaded answering the question for myself until now. I had a conversation about this with my CG leader and his wife when I was still in LA and they are complementarians, and after talking to them, I found out that they are not very different from egalitarians, really, and their position is similar to this book here. Complementarians also agree that women are equal in the eyes of God, they merely argue that men and women have different cultural roles to play.

I still need to think more about the idea that men and women have different roles because I think there are good lessons to be gleaned there, but I am also convinced that the exegetical and hermeneutical work found in the egalitarian position gets us closer to what God may have envisioned for his creation.

Part of me realizes that my hesitance to come down on one side or the other of the gender debate has something to do with how I'm afraid that my position will make the pool of single, available, Christian men even smaller than it already is. That may be the case, but I am now convinced that my response is an act of obedience and faith. Strangely enough, reading this book here on the complementarian position was what gave me the courage because it pointed out that God is the one who provides what we need, including our spouses, so I will stick to my convictions.

joy

I happen to have a very busy social schedule this week: Mon-gym, Tues-dodgeball, Wed-badminton, Thurs-badminton, Fri-badminton, Sat-badminton, Sun-massage+lunch, and then Mon, dinner at a friend's place. I usually don't play so much badminton but so far I am loving my week! I'm also looking forward to a quiet Sun night at home.

Wed's session wasn't as fun because the group doesn't have players who are consistent, and paradoxically, when that is the case, it becomes harder to play well and you end up moving more because you can't anticipate the rallies (how do you anticipate strange shots?). I loved last night's session because when you play with people who are good at the game, you do have to move a lot and think a lot and each game is always different, but every rally seems like part of a well-oiled machine.....as if everything is the way it should be.

One of my favorite routines now is the journey back from my favorite badminton clubs: first take the MTR to Causeway Bay, and then on my walk from the MTR station to the minibus station, buy a stick of boiled beef/fish-balls, and finally as I walk by the folks selling juice, get a cup of freshly squeezed carrot juice, with no sugar or milk or anything else. The wait for the minibus can sometimes be long esp on Sat nights, but I don't mind if I have my beefball stick and carrot juice!!

I can't explain just how happy this makes me. And I get to do this again tonight and tomorrow night!!!!!!!!

relief

The last week or so was tough emotionally because I had to give up something in my life. It wasn't a desire for something bad, in fact, it was all the more tougher because it was a desire for something good. But I'm pretty sure that God was saying no. I don't know if the no will change into a yes in the future, and I'm okay with not knowing.

Last night, the darkness started to lift, and I feel on the top of the world again this morning. All this goes to show that as difficult as things can be sometimes, eventually, life will get better. I just have to remember this the next time this happens again!

old habits

Hebrews 11:6

New International Version (NIV)

⁶ And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Hebrews 11:6

New Living Translation (NLT)

⁶ And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.

I have a bad habit of bracing myself for the worst, so that if the worst does happen, I'll be ready emotionally. I'm not sure anymore that it actually helps me emotionally because it seems like I still have a hard time anyway, except that I have to go through the pain twice. So now, I'm going to trust that whatever happens will be good. It may not always be easy but our God is a redeemer God.

This is an especially difficult lesson to put into practice when you're feeling like you have no control over your life even when you have so much to be thankful for. Yes, I'm conflicted.

stating the obvious

I've been a Christian for a very long time and I'm surprised it hasn't occurred to me before that when seen through Christ, everything changes. Now that I'm thinking of it, maybe I have thought about it before, or perhaps I've heard of a sermon illustration that uses a crystal or a prism to explain something about the nature of God. But this lesson resonates with me very deeply in this moment. When seen through Christ, everything changes.

When seen through Christ, everything changes.

It's amazing.

Sunday September 11, 2011
 
Guarding Our Souls
 
The great danger of the turmoil of the end-time in which we live is losing our souls.
 Losing our souls means losing touch with our center, our true call in life, our
 mission, our spiritual task.  Losing our soul means becoming so distracted by and
preoccupied with all that is happening around us that we end up fragmented, confused,
and erratic.  Jesus is very aware of that danger.  He says:  "Take care not to be
deceived, because many will come using my name and saying, 'I am the one' and 'The
time is near at hand'  Refuse to join them" (Luke 21:8).
 
In the midst of anxious times there are many false prophets, promising all sorts
 of "salvations."  It is important that we be faithful disciples of Jesus, never
 losing touch with our true spiritual selves.
 
- Henri J. M. Nouwen

back home, phew

Had a lovely time in the UK but was getting tired of living out of a suitcase by the end. My apt now looks like a bomb has hit it with my bags half unpacked, clean laundry strewn on the window seat, books and papers all over my table, and everything's just dusty!!! I'm in the office now getting a few things done but will leave soon to get groceries and then unpack and clean this afternoon.

I just love seeing old friends again, I really do. The conference went alright, and so did the archives. But the highlights of the trip were good conversations and good company.

I feel like I'm still in a fog as far as my work is concerned. I seem to have lost the ability and motivation to focus on my goals and head toward them. That said, I have picked up a number of skills along the way, and hopefully those skills are slowly becoming second-nature so I don't always have to slog quite so hard to get things done.

Now, if only the jet-lag would go away! I'd like to feel energetic enough to go back to the gym!

Traveling is inconvenient and I especially hate airports. But it does keep me humble! The world is so vast and its cultures really so diverse, who is to say that any one of us really understands the way the world works?

Kew Garden

The archives are cold. I haven't found anything useful for my current project but I think I have a couple of things for the next project (still in its infancy). I'm also not sure I am looking in the right places here. I have a student RA tracking a few items down and they're available in libraries in London, where I'll be in a few days. After saying goodbye to 3rd aunt, cousin and cousin's kids in St Albans, I felt strangely homesick--strange because I don't see this side of the family a whole lot!! There are two female researchers from Japan in my B&B so it's nice to talk to them in the mornings. Unfortunately, I am no longer jet-lagged. This means I'm starting to sleep later and later and wake up later and later too.

Paris III

I had a total of two breakfasts and lunches in Paris. Skipped dinners because I was too full from lunch. Third day, I went to the Sacre Coeur, the Butte of Montmartre, Haussmann, Moulin Rouge (disappointing because small), and then I ended up in the 18th Arrondissement, which looked like it was an immigrant enclave of the city. It was a great trip and now I understand why one of my friends from church would like to live and work in Paris for a couple of years. I would too!

Paris II

Went to a farmer's market, had a croissant and 4 fresh figs for breakfast. Then to the Pantheon, Notre Dame, Latin Quarter, Place d'Italie, Musee d'Orsay, boat tour of the Seine, and the Eiffel Tower. I know my legs are still attached to my body because they hurt. A lot.

Paris I

Arrived at about noon, walked from Concorde to the Marais, around the Marais then the Louvre and finally to the Tour Montparnasse, and finally let before dark because my feet, ankles, hips, and shoulders were in pain. Now I I know why my friends love Paris!!

insomnia explained?

So last night's decision was pretty major and I'm happy with it. I probably got only about 4 hrs of sleep after all the tossing and turning but am feeling pretty good this morning. As most of my friends and loved ones point out, stress is a major cause of insomnia and I've noticed that certain things--office politics and job insecurities among them--trigger especially virulent bouts of insomnia. Last night's was terrible but I realize that I worked through a few things in the process. Perhaps this was one of my "dark nights of the soul"? It's not wise to post about the major issue I worked through but I can talk about some of it!

I think I've said this before in previous posts, and I wish I had the sense to tag those posts, but every good thing I've had since starting grad school has come from the Lord. (I'm sure that is true of life before grad school too but right now I can't remember that far back!) I have not played a major role in obtaining the great blessings in my work life: the postdoc at UCLA; my job here at HKU (yes, it's stressful but it's still been a blessing); being invited to be part of the editorial board of a small, new journal (I have no idea who they are so they certainly don't know me); being asked to be a reviewer at a journal (how did they find me too??); and the recent GRF (my grant proposal was super messy and not very clear now that I look back on it). All these things are important little steps in my journey and I did nothing to deserve them. I'm sure there are many other blessings too but these are the ones that mean the most to me right now.

I've been made to slog very hard for the one journal pub I have, and I will have to slog very hard over the next pub in the pipeline, so while they are also blessings, man, I have to earn these ones. Teaching has also been a blessing for which I've had to work hard. I recently found out that my teaching evaluation scores for the most recent semester were slight above the dept average in all areas. Personally, the stats don't matter to me as much as the written comments--I haven't seen the ones for the most recent semester--but I know the numbers will matter when I go through my annual review meeting early next week. So, for this, I am very thankful too.

I am sorry if I grumble too much and I am trying to be more thankful. I am especially thankful for friends who don't give up on me!! Prayer has been dry for a very long time and I haven't had the "feel good" spiritual highs for awhile. But God does give wisdom to those who ask for it. That is irrefutable.

Update
Despite the lack of sleep, I've had a very alert and productive day, woohoo!!

you heard it here first

If I don't get another academic job by June 2013, I'm giving up on academia. The stresses associated with the job is just not worth it. It's hard enough to do good work but the politics that come with it are a further drag on one's general well-being.

try and try again

Late last week, I decided that I was not going to let anxiety and uncertainty take away the joy of having a job this year. Going back on the job market isn't any fun and my anxiety levels get doubled on bad days. Everything I have has been given to me and yet it worries me. Or perhaps it worries me because I have no control over these things. Is it my imagination, or was faith easier when I was younger? Did I struggle as much then too and I'm misremembering now? Do I get more anxious with age?

I may never know, so I'll just keep plodding on and on the days when faith comes easily, I will be thankful. :)

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, wherever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.

news and violence

Riots and looting in London. Famine in East Africa. Syria still troubled. Europe and US economies tanking again. Can the news get any worse?

video chat

I've never liked to use webcams, mostly because I only had it on my laptop at home and not in my office. The laptop webcam shows how messy my apt is!! I just got a webcam for the office so that I can work with a friend on the East Coast of the US, and luckily, it shows the shelves behind me, and not my messy table. Working with Friend S (twice now) has been really useful! I hope we can keep this going because I have so much to get done.

I really wonder if my trouble with sleeping well at night is psychological or if there is something wrong with me! I've grumbled enough about it on this blog but I also remember college and high school friends making fun of how tired I was during the day even back then.....so the problem really isn't new.

Well, went to a traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) doctor last Sat and have been brewing and drinking the really horrible-tasting herbal medicine for two days now. Two more days to go, I hope I can hold the medicine down. At first it was bad but bearable. Now, it's just horrible horrible horrible.

Tomorrow, I'll be trying out for a dodge ball team someone from my church is putting together. I've never played it before but it looks fun and I like playing on teams. I also thought this would be a good way to meet more Christian guys. From the Cc list on the email, it looks like a lot of other women had the same idea. I won't be irritated if they happen to be good at the game, but if they're going to be the kind of women who are fragile and need to be protected......ugh.

We'll see if I take to the game or not!!

procrastination again

Where has July gone??? Where has July gone???? How did time fly by so quickly??? Why do I have so little done???? I need to get an alarm clock that wakes me up and KEEPS me awake.

Oh Lord, I need your redeeming grace.

headache

Not feeling great but not sure what's the cause. July is already passing by so quickly!! I am not working well even though I know I need all the time I have to get things done. Oh boy!!!

After getting back from my trip to the US, I've been on a junk boat trip--courtesy of a church friend who got to use her law firm's boat--and the bersih rally here in HK. I waited and waited for someone else to organize it then I got tired of waiting and did it myself. We had over 70 people for the event, and I was inspired by the people who took the time to come out for it. The HK police were wonderfully courteous and obliging despite the fact that we did not have a permit. You need one in HK if there are more than 30 people but because we didn't expect 30 people to come, we didn't apply for one. Hopefully, we can keep the momentum going and get people to vote in the next elections!

I'm still always tired and not sure why.

On another note, I bought a lomo camera through Groupon for HKD99, and here it is after I assembled it! This is a Recesky TLR, a Gakkenflex clone. It arrived the day before the Bersih rally so I ordered mine in yellow. It took me about two hours to assemble the camera because I spent close to an hour figuring out how to fix the second spring on the shutter. I felt really dumb when I finally figured it out because it was so easy but hey, at least I didn't break anything! Also, I have 2 screws leftover.....but luckily, everything seems to have fit together so I'm hanging on to the screws just in case I have to take the camera apart and put it back together again.

I've just sent my first roll of film to be developed and I won't get it back until this evening, so fingers crossed the pictures came out!!!! This is going to be a fun new hobby, I hope.

Update

Most of the pics turned out underexposed. Sigh. Googled for solutions and at least one other person had the same person--best to take pics outside during the day, otherwise it just doesn't get enough light. This week is rainy and cloudy so will wait for sunny times to try again. 

TMI, maybe

This is how I feel about being single now. Sigh.

Jet lag

Got back from a 3-week trip to the East Coast, and I had such a great time! The conference was boring and Boston where the conference was was mostly boring because I only knew one person there, but the rest of my time was a lot of fun! I got to catch up with a lot of my old friends and it was so good to see them. I think I've come to the unavoidable conclusion that "Artist" is right. I am a very social being--who is also an introvert!

But I was also ready to come back to HK by the end of my trip! I'm now trying to get over jet-lag and hopefully get back to work soon.I'm still struggling to see how work fits in with the rest of life. When I met up with the friends who are in my field, they all complained about the pressures of our line of work and everyone had alternative career dreams. Mine is to open and run a doggy daycare center. I'd be paid to play with dogs all day long! (It would be fun until my allergies kick in, but that's why fantasies are so much fun--you get to do what you can't do in real life.)

the next few weeks will be chaos

Been tired recently, mostly because I was grading all of last week. Just thinking about grading makes my head hurt. This week, I'm trying to do as much as possible to meet some deadlines and have fun too. Yes, I'm greedy. An old friend from Ithaca visited for a night because she was in town to renew her visa for Taiwan and we had fun. Having visitors does mean work, i.e. cleaning the apt a bit but I do enjoy having visitors.

Will watch Pirates 4 this Thursday (oh, Johnny Depp) and will be playing badminton three nights this week. I really hope I get my work done to meet my deadline next week!!!

:)

Well, the week started off with a contentious meeting at the faculty level. It was draining but it wasn't so bad, mostly because friends have been holding me in the light recently. Also, I think I'm getting a little better at thinking about work as being part of "kingdom work." This is part of current Christian lingo that means recognizing how when we work, we join in work that God is already doing. I like this way of thinking of work because we are not responsible for doing God's work for him.....we merely jump in every time we recognize that it is part of his work. What we do does not begin from us and our puny little selves but is a part of centuries' worth of slow, sacred work.

Kingdom work also refers to all types of work and not just our traditional understanding of what "missionaries" do. So for example, when I am able to teach my students how to read with complexity and craft complex arguments with clarity, that is a part of kingdom work too because such skills are important to being like Christ. Reading texts is an important skill to have not only when we come to the word of God, it teaches us to be listeners when we are in conversations as well. That allows us to be in relationship with others in gentleness, humility, and kindness. (Sometimes, not all the time!)

When I lose perspective (see post below) and forget that God is at work, then I become angry, pessimistic, and depressed. This week, I decided to practice looking for the many ways in which God is already at work. It's been two days and I think it's a helpful way of orienting one's self to the world. Yesterday's hostilities at work would have affected me much more deeply; I am able to be thankful for everything that did happen even if decisions did not work out the way we would have liked them to. We'll see what else comes up this week!!

The next twelve months will be psychologically stressful for me because I will have to apply for a more permanent position here. I will need to remind myself constantly and frequently that all that we do is kingdom work!!! Every time I think I've started to get a hang of something, I get a great big test and find out just how much I have to rely on grace.

certainty

Today, I heard news that someone I respect, a young scholar, had been denied tenure at his institution despite his publications, teaching track record, and service work (sitting on committees within his institution). This was shocking as the person is super-smart, articulate, and has the required publications. He emailed back to say that his department has been 100% supportive (difficult to come by and amazing that it did), the awful decision came from the deans (unusual for the institution) and that he will land on his feet. He didn't provide more details but I hope this means that things will work out somehow.

Again, I've been reminded at how unfair the world can be, and how people who deserve rewards will not always get them, and vice-versa. I'm also struck by how deluded some people are, and how they believe that they are so much smarter than everyone else. Such confidence is strange, and sometimes I wonder if I'm stupid because I don't see their brilliance. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that God is at work, redeeming a broken world in the here and now.

Days like these, I wonder again if I am in the right vocation.

Sigh. The air is so bad that it's been two days since I've been able to see the IFC tower from my window. Part of it is due to fog, I think, but a large part of it is due to air pollution. 

fantasies

When I was a teenager, I thought that I would have everything figured out by my twenties. When I was in my twenties, I thought, no, I don't have everything figured out but I will when I hit my thirties. I am now in my early thirties, and the world has never seemed more complicated, frightening, and tiresome.

My colleague got married yesterday, and I was the only one from the dept who was invited to attend the small ceremony and party. I was glad I could be there to offer my best wishes to the couple but I admit, I was also not going to tell anyone else from my dept that I was going to be there!

In light of the many awful things that go on in our world, this counts for very little. But it is also striking that even a simple gesture of offering one's blessings is so fraught in our very broken world.

(Was it an awkward kind of wedding anyway? Yes, but that is another story.)

back from Huangshan

Wonderful trip. Many thoughts. One of my friends had a persistent, dry cough the entire trip. My throat now feels scratchy and I have the occasional cough. Making garlic-ginger tea now. Hope it'll help because it certainly sounds weird enough.

My favorite pic from the trip.

What would it mean to bring blessings and not curses? This is so very difficult at times in my workplace, mostly because of how mean and small I can be.

cool!

Through one of my badminton friends, I met a police officer who works in the financial crime division. He arrests money launderers!!

hello, monday

I have a great life but I can't wait for the world to end. O, come Lord Jesus, come.

Fifth Week of Lent - April 14, 2011
 
Jesus said,' If I were to seek my own glory that would be no glory at all; my glory
is conferred by the Father'. (John 8)
 
A grateful life is one in which we receive our gifts from God and then lift them
 up, trusting that they will multiply. That's what Jesus did.
- Henri J. M. Nouwen

feeling overwhelmed

Maybe I'm now coming down from the high that was the beginning of the week. Strangely, this translates into a lot of angst and hand-wringing on my part that would confuse and exasperate some of my academic friends and mentors. My spiritual friends? Well, I'm afraid to talk about this with anyone right now so I wouldn't know! I see how I'm being silly and small but I can't help myself.

What to do? What to do?

---

So I g-chatted with a friend from my church home group, and I do feel a little better. This problem seems to keep coming back again and again. I always feel like I'm not good enough and not smart enough. Reminding myself of the parable of the prodigal son and the elder brother (I'm the elder brother who does not remember that all the father has is mine) hasn't helped so far.

Jeremiah 10: 23-24

 ²³ LORD, I know that people’s lives are not their own;
   it is not for them to direct their steps.
²⁴ Discipline me, LORD, but only in due measure—
   not in your anger,
   or you will reduce me to nothing.

many thoughts

The week has gotten off to an amazing start. An old academic friend/mentor flew over from Shanghai to give a lecture for my dept and I spent time with her the last two nights. We ended up talking quite late both nights and then early this morning, I attended a prayer meeting for the university. I have heard so much that I am a little bit stunned. I don't know how to process all this. It's very exciting, of course, and it makes my world a whole lot bigger but more complicated.

I am in awe of how much I have in my life. I have met so many generous, inspiring people. I'm not sure I know how to respond at this point.

The late nights of talk and the early morning meeting are taking their toll. I think I'm going to go home and take a nap, and hopefully, I will be able to read after the lunch.

fun, fun, fun....

I've had a fantastic weekend. Worked for part of Saturday, then met a new badminton group that is pretty good. After our three-hour session, we tried a new Thai restaurant with my XD partner, R, for the mini-competition at HKU next weekend. Fabulous red curry duck! Found out that R, a novelist in residency at the university, was Khairy Jamaluddin's college roommate!! Heard some gossip about KJ. Sunday, had breakfast with my cousin and her husband (visiting from Singapore), then church (boring sermon, sorry). After church, had lunch with a few church friends who also taught me to play bridge (addictive!). Rushed home for a quick session in the sauna (thought I was getting a bit sniffly, feel fine today, thanks to the sauna!!) before heading out to a dinner with HK's wing chun association (in honor of the very much dead founder, Ip Man). Got home, showered, rolled into bed.

I have a full life, I'm meeting really nice people, I have a few good friends with whom I can talk honestly, and I am getting a lot of regular, very fun, exercise.

Am I ungrateful for missing my old friends who are scattered all over the world?

warm-up fast #2

1. I don't feel closer to God this time around and it doesn't help when you have a very busy day at work. Fasting didn't help me focus on God because I was running around too much. It didn't help my work either because every time I had a free moment, instead of thinking about the ideas I need to work on, I think about food and then think about how I shouldn't think about food. But I suppose people who have to go without food don't have the luxury of choice.

2. I wonder if it will be easier to fast when classes are no longer in session. I get grumpy when hungry and it is a lot harder to interact with students then.

3. Fasting really isn't fun. Spiritual disciplines are not "fun." This doesn't mean that everything that draws us closer to God should make us miserable. That would be an unhealthy view of a God who loves and draws close to us. But fasting as a spiritual discipline is not "fun" because it reminds us of the brokenness of a world where some people go hungry.

4. After I've stopped fasting, I start to feel afraid when I feel hungry again--even if I know that I can eat if I want to eat then. Imagine, then, the fear of those who cannot always satisfy their hunger as a matter of course.

baddy

Played with a new group last night and had a fabulous time. They were mostly older men who were still accurate enough to make the games interesting, and a few men in their early forties who were fast and strong, so I was pushed more than I usually am at my Sunday group. I really need to find a new group for Sunday evenings! I need to get more used to losing, haha!

Last night, I had a 60% success rate which is not what I'm used to but I also learned a lot. After playing regularly with a group of people, reading their next shot becomes an unconscious act. But when you play with new folks, it's almost as if you've lost an eye you didn't know you had, and learning to cope with the ensuing nerves is a good skill to have. Moreover, when you play with people at your level and higher, you really have to be patient and pace yourself. Trying to kill the rally too fast under those conditions only means losing the rally. I'm also working on playing more aggressively. My drops and net play are usually fine so now I need to work on power shots to vary my game.

My shoulder still doesn't feel normal but I suppose my body just has to find a way to adjust to it. Sigh.

fasting

For the first time in my life, I will fast from food. I've gone on FB fasts before and they're not easy. But food fasts are different and after Day 1, I've already learned a few lessons.

1. As most people acknowledge, hunger pangs can remind you to focus more on one's spiritual condition. This is true and it is useful.

2. To not be able to eat when one is hungry left me feeling helpless, afraid, and a little angry. Today was just a warm-up fast (missed lunch) so I wasn't terribly hungry for very long, and feeling hungry on the days I teach is not unusual because I usually only eat after my classes are over. But I can imagine how someone who goes hungry for long periods of time might be emotionally and psychologically affected by it. And I assume it would affect one's judgment too.

3. If you break your fast with a normal meal, i.e. no more than you would usually eat, you still feel hungry! This was a surprise to me. Okay, so this could be peculiar to me since I usually feel hungry even after a regular meal on regular days. But....maybe I expected to feel full because I was fasting. If people who are undernourished don't feel full even after they've broken their fasts--and they probably have less than I usually do--then....what does that do to their sense of self and where they are in this world?

4. I'm afraid to exercise this evening because I'm afraid I might black out (partly because I donated blood yesterday too). But people who go hungry don't have a choice over how much labor they do. And exercise is totally fun for me.

I'm usually hungry two hours after I eat every day of the week anyway, but the hunger that fasting causes is different from that other kind of hunger. I'm just fixated on food, that's what I am.

another list

1. Can't wait for the semester to end! I'm tired of writing lectures.

2. Went to Foshan last weekend with my wing chun group, and was struck by Shenzhen's and Guangzhou's urban sprawls. Their cities go on forever!

3. The pollution in China is horrible. Eleven years ago, I spent a semester in China and some of the cities we traveled to then were already horrifying. This was my first trip to Shenzhen and Guangzhou and I can't imagine living with such grime. Winters in HK are bad too but we do get to see blue skies every now and then. I don't have evidence that S and G and perpetually covered in smog....but the thought that they are is a difficult thought to have. How can people live without blue skies? How can people live without beauty that some other folks take for granted? SoCal may be polluted as well but at the very least they live with the sun and sky.

4. Class difference. There are clear differences between what I have in my life, and what my wing chun buddies have in theirs.

5. What would it mean to lead a church home group?

No answers for now. Just lots to think about.

good sermon on running the race of faith

I enjoyed this sermon last night and this morning. I sometimes listen to sermons before bed but if I'm too sleepy, I repeat them in the morning especially if I found them interesting in my sleepy state.

update to previous post

I have mixed feelings about today's class. A few students clearly made a lot of leaps today. In that way, it is a success. But I also feel like a failure because only a third of the students showed up (the top third of the class)! What to do??

Well, I feel like a failure but I am also happy because I learned a lot today myself when I prepared for the lecture. Life is good when you learn new things.

TGIF

I can't keep my eyes open. Chose a playlist on youtube and have that playing to keep me awake. I don't usually have music on when I'm trying to work but I feel so sleepy! I have to deliver this lecture in a few hrs so I should get cracking!! Yesterday's class went well but I usually have more trouble writing and delivering my lectures for my class on Friday. I'd really like to do well this week but all I can think of is going back to bed....

I can't remember if I posted about this before, but I got a new mattress a couple of months ago and I have really come to love it. The mattress is really firm. It would be more accurate to describe it as rock solid because when I first got it, I thought I was sleeping on a slab of rock except that my hips don't get sore and it felt very strange. But after a few months, I can't imagine sleeping on another mattress anymore. It's firm but it doesn't cause any soreness! So, yes, I love my bed.

happy

The world continues to whirl by me and I understand so little of it. But the sun is out, the weather is warm, my body works (more or less), I enjoy my meals, and I'll be playing Cluedo and Monopoly Deal with friends later tonight. Life is good.

spring day

I'm in the office on a Sat afternoon and I'm happy to be here. I just need to remember that Mondays are tough but that the week usually gets better especially because I have such wonderful students this semester! Need to format my journal article that was accepted and will be published later this year but that is the only big thing I need to do today!

hello march!

For awhile, I thought I was getting bored with badminton. (Shocking.) Okay fine, there are moments when I am less interested in the game now. But it could be because I'm not as fast anymore. Not going to the gym during the week and a less than healthy diet can do that to you. Am resolved to get back on the treadmill twice a week! And am also resolved to eat more vegetables and less meat.

(Maybe all this will help me focus better too. Although I am almost all convinced that I am a hopeless procrastinator and won't get around to working hard until the deadline looms.)

Two recommended books because they have given me a lot to think about: The Contemplative Pastor and Taking Your Soul to Work.

Unfortunately, while these books have given me a lot to think about, the work of the soul still belongs to the Spirit. That is to say, my prayers are as desperate as ever: "Oh God, help me because I cannot help myself!"

paradigm shift

This is something I do not do and it is something I need to seriously think over.

-------
 Daily Meditation for February 23, 2011 written by Henri Nouwen 

_........................................................._ 

What Is Most Personal Is Most Universal 

We like to make a distinction between our private and public lives 

and say, "Whatever I do in my private life is nobody else's business." 

But anyone trying to live a spiritual life will soon discover that the 

most personal is the most universal, the most hidden is the most public, 

and the most solitary is the most communal. 

What we live in the most intimate places of our beings is not just for 

us but for all people. That is why our inner lives are lives for others. 

That is why our solitude is a gift to our community, and that is why our 

most secret thoughts affect our common life. Jesus says, "No one lights a 

lamp to put it under a tub; they put it on the lamp-stand where it shines 

for everyone in the house" (Matthew 5:14-15). The most inner light is a 

light for the world. Let's not have "double lives"; let us allow what we 

live in private to be known in public. 

great day!

It's early in the day yet but I just wanted to say that I'm having a Great start to my day!! What a difference between yesterday and today! I feel awake and lively and ready to hit the gym but I won't because I'll just dive into work instead! I will hit the gym after work today and then the sauna.

The weather is warmer, I love my students, and I have good relationships with at least two, possibly three, of my colleagues, I miss my friends but then again, I always miss my friends who aren't here in HK, I'm healthy, and did I mention, it's a lot warmer today? I love the way I feel today. I just do. I really, really do!

the blahs continue

Classes are going fairly smoothly, I think, and there are no major crises in my life. My family's healthy and their lives are going well. The weather is much warmer today and that is very nice. I haven't caught the cold that's been going around recently, and I haven't had insomnia. In fact, my problem now is sleeping and playing too much! Some friends and I went to a Japanese buffet on Monday night and it was affordable and fresh! One of my friends taught us to play Monopoly Deal and we had so much fun. I laughed like a hyena when I charged everyone 12 million rent per person. (I lost the game though.) Last weekend, I went hiking with people from church and made a new friend. This Sat, my church home group will have a board games and BBQ evening and I'll probably spend some time with them too. My wing chun lessons are moving along. Wing chun is tough! I've started using the wooden dummy and my forearms are now all bruised but I love the lessons. Life is going really well but something's missing, I don't know what.

And, I'd like to be more focused at work too! Sigh....I'm such a grumbler. Especially when so much of the world is struggling with serious problems: New Zealand, Libya, Egypt, Tunisia, Wisconsin (and other parts of the US), Malaysia (90% of Sarawak's rainforest has been decimated!), China's factory workers, and well, the "old" and continuing crises in various African countries....Oh Lord have mercy.

another old photo

old photos

I know this is me only because the baby's left eye is smaller than her right one.

weird

I know something's wrong with me because I haven't been interested in politics for a few weeks now. Not even in Egypt and Tunisia!! I can't do more than read a paragraph or two and then I have to navigate away from the page.

My stomach's been queasy for about a week and the nurse just told me to stay away from dairy, oily food, and VEGETABLES. And there I was, buying lettuce because I thought veggies would do me good. Sigh.

Today has been a waste of time so far. Luckily, I'm not teaching today because I wouldn't have been able to concentrate. I need to start feeling normal again soon.....if only I knew how!

still super tired

Did almost nothing during CNY break and I'm still exhausted. It was really fun but in a way, I'm also glad to be back here where I can get a routine going again. Soon. Looking forward to the weekend.

And I love this picture my sis took during our trip up north to visit extended family. My grandma is our only remaining grandparent and it's so hard to get her to smile for photos.

Happy Chinese New Year!

I doubt I'll be posting again until I get back from CNY break, so happy Rabbit year! I spent most of today dreading today's three-hour class but once again, my kids saved me by talking a lot and saying very interesting things. I survived with just three single-space pages of lecture notes (usually I prepare six). I just have to get through tomorrow's two-hour monologue--oh how I dread having to give monologues--on a film I assigned but haven't watched myself. Yeah, super-smart of me. I did it out of desperation though! I tried to find films on the class topic (globalization!) that seems fun to undergrads. So here we are. After Friday, I'll have a bit of a break from teaching which will give me a chance to catch up on rest and research. I hope.

I'm really losing steam, help!!

Who am I?
This or the other?
Am I one person today, and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptible woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me,
these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I
 am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine.

Friedrich Bonhoeffer, Letters and Papers from Prison, 348.

good response to the moment (see previous post)

Elrond tells the Fellowship: "The road must be trod, but it will be very hard. And neither strength nor wisdom will carry us far upon it. This quest may be attempted by the weak with as much hope as the strong. Yet such is oft the course of deeds that move the wheels of the world: small hands do them because they must, while the eyes of the great are elsewhere." (Lord of the Rings, as quoted in John Ortberg)

Loved Ortberg's piece on calling, courtesy of Paul! I generally like Ortberg's other writing as well, and I think it's because he was also trained as a counselor. Those of his books that I have read help breakdown unhelpful beliefs with clarity, humor, and grace. Work in the past week was tough but it was also a lot more enjoyable except for the few moments when I sank back into the slough of despair. But those moments came a lot more infrequently and did not last as long.

HK is going through an unusually cold winter. It's not as bad as some of the other places in which I've lived but still, I'm not enjoying it too much and I hope it passes soon.

-----

Update

I've been having random conversations with a couple of colleagues and I guess I should be glad to find out that I'm not the only one who feels a little crazy in this institution.

winter blahs

On some days like this one, I am convinced that I'm just not cut out to do this my job. Sigh. Well, I'll just have to keep showing up and hope that God shows up too.