Ambition

Today, at a meeting on gender issues, I watched power at work. I watched how people accrued power to themselves, and delighted in it. I felt in myself a desire for power too. (But no, I need to keep focused!) Power is necessary to get good things done. But is it, really? I would love to see good models of authority at work.

Boss seems to be one of them as far as I am concerned but perhaps that's because he may not desire power in quite the same way. We'll see. Still keeping an eye out. He's a workhorse though, that's for sure.

From Paul: "When we become tired, God works," -- Dietrich bonhoeffer.

I said that that made me feel like crying and he said he hoped it was out of joy. But do we feel only one emotion at a time?

Holy Spirit moving

"The word is always a word for others. Words need to be heard. When we give words to what we are living, these words need to be received and responded to. A speaker needs a listener. A writer needs a reader.

When the flesh - the lived human experience - becomes word, community can develop. When we say, "Let me tell you what we saw. Come and listen to what we did. Sit down and let me explain to you what happened to us. Wait until you hear whom we met," we call people together and make our lives into lives for others. The word brings us together and calls us into community. When the flesh becomes word, our bodies become part of a body of people."

-- Henri Nouwen

TV night

Dog sitting. Bella....

We were watching Russell Peters and Aziz Ansari. So smart and so funny! The comedians, I mean, not Bella. Or me. 

always learning

This week, and probably the next too, are very busy. Job talks and discussions with colleagues about our visitors, a major conference that mentor-SMS is organizing, our own conference next week, and deadlines that are going right by me.....too much.

Noticing that one of my senior colleagues tried to use me, and doing damage control but not knowing if damage control actually worked. I hope so, but with loose lips and crazy people, you never know. Seriously. Crazy people. Nothing you can do with crazy people, I tell you. And they're not only crazy, they're manipulative too.

This is not good for my soul.

But I'm also learning, with the support of C and Kaz, that faith means waiting on God to do immeasurably more than I can imagine.

It's a tough week, but I've had wonderful conversations with a lot of laughter. And I'm learning. I keep learning. That's good for my soul.

What a wonderful thought. I'm waiting to see what God will do, and how it will be "immeasurably more" than I can imagine.

Fear and anxiety are two demons in my life, but C and Kaz, they have the gift of faith. Before I knew I needed them, God brought these friends into my life.

Immeasurably more. What a thought.

better minds

Me: I want to quit.

Old Friend: You haven't reached retirement age yet.


Right......

another mentor???

I go from being left all to my lonesome self for almost all of my time here to acquiring THREE mentors in the last six months. This new one is very different from my first two. He's much louder and talks really fast, and engages in hyperbole almost all of the time. Can you tell that he's American?

I don't think he and Boss gets along, but that's just a suspicion......

Well, he's offered to read stuff, so let's see if he comes through. But glad for the verbal support so far, and he seems to give good advice.

showing up

More and more I'm convinced that half the battle at work is showing up and getting ready for God to do the work. When I say "half the battle," I do mean that showing up and waiting on God really is a battle, and that it does take quite a bit of time.

I'm still thinking this through, but sometimes, even if I don't know what to say or what to write, just sitting there and staring at notes or previous drafts may help. I think. Other times, going home and trying again another seems to help too.

Okay, I guess I really don't know how this works. But at this point, I think I need to try showing up more than going home, unless I'm in between chapters. Come on, God, let's do this! Together!

I believe I've gotten to the point where I can't tell a good sentence from a bad sentence.

Update: Mar calls some of them "evil sentences." You know, the ones that go on for far too long.

people skills

Went to group practice again last night, and Coach spent most of the night yelling at me for favoring my left leg. I didn't even know I was doing that and thought I was walking normally. He's really a pretty good coach. Again, he tried to get me to move a little more than I was willing to do, and he pointed out that I didn't seem to feel any pain, and I had to agree.

I think he was afraid that I would give up on badminton if I don't re-build my muscles and remained fearful of pain. He was right, the thought had crossed my mind, and he was right again, that thought left my mind when I watched others play.

Coach can be a little scary sometimes. In some ways, he may even know me better than my own mom.

what am i doing?

Me: I'm free-writing the ___ now, and I'm TERRIFIED. If I'm making the claim I think I'm making.....I mean, it's a pretty big claim!

Colleague: I think that's how it works. You kinda need to make a pretty big claim to get pubs interested, and to have people read it.

Me: Maybe you're right.


But, I'm still terrified. What would I do without friends, really?


A few days ago, I met with my new mentor who gave me feedback on The Proposal for what seems like the 110th revision.

He started by saying, "Well, this is ambitious...." and when he saw the look on my face, he followed that up with, "No, no, this is good, pubs love ambitious projects. And, if you're not waking up in the middle of the night because of this, then something's wrong. So, you're doing exactly the right thing."

I haven't really struggled much with insomnia recently, but since that conversation, I haven't been able to sleep well. Ambition in men is alright, but ambition in women? Much less kosher. Still, I just want to be able to complete this project. And if I could get help with that, making it less ambitious if necessary, and as long as everything goes through, I might be a lot less terrified.

Saturday

First, I get stuck in the elevator on campus and now my computer won't turn on. Well, at least I am not running from ISIS and it's relatively cool in my office. Summer heat is on!

Followed by rain....