my kite

fellow enablers

Today, K and I helped one another live saner lives.

K: It's okay, you're not Jesus. It's not your job to fix them. I think it's okay for you to focus on your deadline now. You can help when you have the energy and time.

Me: You're sick. Taking two days off to get better is perfectly legitimate.


What is it about our world(s) that make us feel like we need to do everything even when we can't?

Brain fog. A week off from the project was really necessary and it's really helped. But it's still there. I guess that's why they call it brain fog. It's like trying to see everything through cotton wool.

Brain fog is my great enemy. Is it my greatest enemy? I can't even tell because of brain fog.

from an old friend

She knows me so well. (Especially now because her second daughter is turning out to be pretty much like me.)

I just spoke to a funny, female senior colleague about a small worry I had, and she told me that I need to have a "hard heart," and that I need to "toughen up" or I'm never going to make it in this line of work. That's what Carole told me too when I was about to start graduate school.

And of course, neither one of these women have hard hearts, at least in my book. I think what they mean is that I need to let other people bother me. Other people have their own shit to deal with, and they may try to make it my problem, but hey, it's really their problem.

People, deal with your own shit. No truer words have been said.

permission to be emotionally unavailable

I talked to a mutual friend who also knows my visitor well, and this mutual friend gave me permission to focus on my work and ignore how I feel my visitor is unconsciously emotionally needy.

Permission to ignore others' emotional needs! What a thought.

Our Mutual Friend says Visitor needs to work through it on their own. And that it's not my job especially when I have a deadline around the corner.

So thankful for wise Mutual Friends who validate temporary emotional unavailability.

Things non-academic visitors say (that drive me up the wall)

People come to my city for their holidays but they FORGET that I AM NOT ON VACATION, and I CANNOT go on vacation every time people come in. Many people come through, and I'm glad to see them but I'm starting to feel like I can't do it anymore. I want to say yes to most people who want to be on my couch, but it can be tough even when everyone tries hard. Here's shit non-academics say:

"Oh, you set your own schedule?"

Yes, but I have freaking deadlines to make, so no, I can't go to work later just because you're lonely on what you decided was to be *your* solo trip. A solo trip is just that. Solo. You. On. Your. Own. 

No academic would say that because they understand the constant. Freaking. Anxiety.


"Oh! You're going to play badminton tomorrow night?"

Yes, I told you I've been off exercise and badminton for 3 freaking months because of my injury. This would be my first time in three months. Don't take away my reason for living. You're on a solo trip, remember? (See above.)


"So, when are you going on vacation this year?"

Not now. (See above.)



"How do I find my way to your apartment?"

I gave you the address. I asked you to be independent and you said, yes. Google map exists. Use it. (See above.)


"I'll go down with you."

Okay, ride the elevator down with me. Then see above.


"So, you go in early to work just to settle down."

Yes. I have my own way of working. I don't care if you understand it and I don't want to have to explain how I work to you. I really, really don't. No academic would even broach this topic.



I think I'm done with loaning out my couch this year. If anyone wants a vacation, bunking with a stressed out academic on a deadline is not it. Even when you're being well-behaved, I can sense the neediness. Not good. Think about why you decided to plan a solo trip. And keep that firmly fixed in your head. Talk about the weather. Talk about food. Talk about your shopping. And don't ask me about my work.

sponge

Remember how I now have three mentors? Boss, Mentor 1 and Mentor 2. Boss assigned me Mentor 1, and Mentor 2 kind of adopted me this past month. As I explained in an earlier post, M2 has a very different personality from Boss and M1. He talks really fast, always seems to be excited, and radiates constant energy. Boss and M1 are energetic and very much alive too, don't get me wrong. But M2 is energetic in the way only the stereotypical American can be energetic, if you get what I mean. Every time I talk to him--which hasn't been too often--I feel like I need a nap. Just thinking about M2 makes me want to take a break and rest.

M2 is really coming through for me right now while Boss and M1 are away on vacation. He told me on Monday that he'll read a whole draft of the thingamajig if I turn it in to him next Monday. That will give him time to go through it before he gets on the plane again. I won't be able to give M2 a thingamajig that's at all polished. And he's said himself that he won't be helping me with my arguments, but he will take a look at how the project is pitched or framed. That's exactly what I need help with most at this point. (I'll fight the other battles later this month.)

So, I'm thankful. And this week is crazy busy.

But, I also noticed that I tend to absorb the energy of the people I interact with, too much for my own good, maybe. When interacting with Boss and M1, I become quieter. When I'm in the same room as M2 or colleagues like R (who is also American and high energy), I feel like I'm on a buzz and I have a hard time turning off that buzz. Isn't that strange?

And finally, for the 1000th time at least.....writing is so difficult. Ugh.

a body at rest will stay at rest....

I think I've gotten far too used to resting these days. The last couple of weeks were extremely busy and I didn't have either the strength or the head space to get my leg muscles closer to normal, but I really should try to get going again now. My lungs and muscles need some pushing.

Loved the sermon by Pastor Albert today. I didn't know he'd been struggling with an illness for the past nine months. He didn't say what it was but it sounds like he's doing better. It was something to hear about suffering from one of our pastors who has gone through suffering recently. Romans 5:3-5 is meaningful only when invoked by those who know what suffering means. (Please, people who don't know what it means to be in pain, just shut up.)

3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

A sprained knee is not much (it hurt a lot though), and three months' rest really isn't much in light of much greater sufferings. I am so thankful I didn't have to struggle with more than that. And I'm very thankful that I think I'm starting to see how God is redeeming that time. It was a "waste" insofar as my body hasn't been getting stronger, and I haven't been able to work on my badminton. But I'm realizing that being in pain gave me a lot of practice at being weak.

God decided I needed to be familiar with weakness: to know how it feels, to learn to come to terms with feeling weak, and in feeling weak, to not feel afraid or threatened or anything else but loved by God. And I probably wouldn't have gone back to counseling if I had still been able to deal with stress by sweating it out. (Pastor Albert made a pitch for counseling from the pulpit too; physical pain really can cause a great deal of stress! Even among pastors!)

I can't explain how the verse in 2 Corinthians, how God's strength is made perfect in our weakness, is "true" in a rational, logical manner. But my body knows that to be true now in a visceral way. 

There is no rejoicing over illness and actual physical brokenness. That is not of God's design and can produce no happiness, pleasure, or even the so-called Christian "joy." But I can find joy in how God was there, and is here. Some people will never understand on this side of heaven why they go through certain challenges. 

I'm thankful I can see some reason in this season that is finally coming to an end. It's still a long hard slog ahead to get back to "normal" as far as my body goes. But God is good, and he does love me.