unexpected friendships

This morning, I had a goodbye breakfast with K, a senior prof in polit_c_l the_ry whose office is in my dept because she also teaches there and in _nglish. My time here has been really wonderful for all sorts of reasons and I've particularly enjoyed meeting up with old friends and making new ones. My friendship with K has been the most surprising though, mostly because of differences in rank, age, and personality.

And it is true that K might not have had the time to talk to me or share meals if she had a partner and/or kids but it is also true that she spends a great deal of time working--by choice--and she generously made space for me in her busy schedule. Friendships can only grow if you make time for one another (can't remember who said it) and I'm glad that we had offices on the same floor, or we wouldn't have become friends. You can't really ignore someone when you're the only two people on the floor at 9pm.

I'm always anxious before I hang out with someone, even if I've been friends with that person for years. But I think I'm getting better at living with that short time of anxiety. Anxiety is an emotion and emotions come and go, as Wai, my therapist at C_rnell would say. ;)

Anyway, I brought this up because K gave me tips about what to do or not do when preparing to lecture--I've only taught small, discussion-based seminars--and at the end of that conversation, she said, "Oh, and one more thing. Don't be afraid to fail."

I looked up at her and said, "It's funny you said that. When I first started this postdoc, one of my goals was to learn to allow myself to fail!" Then, I looked back down and continued scribbling on my napkin. She muttered something I didn't quite catch and she didn't want to repeat it at first, but finally she said, "I said, 'I am not stupid.'"

I pretended not to understand because I was starting to tear up. To be known is a wonderful feeling and that must be how God intended our relationships to be. To be known by old friends is the best thing about keeping up friendships over the years. To be known by new friends is . . . . well, good, but a little scary too, in a way.

Most of my packing is done now although I have more to do later tonight after I've done my final load of laundry. I hope with all my heart that everything will fit in my bags and that I won't have anymore surprises. Canceling out on the M_A conference earlier this week was a really good decision because I got to rest and pack at a leisurely pace. I would've liked to see my friends there but I think my body would have collapsed from exhaustion. I'm pretty much done with the syllabi for my new classes too, so that is a relief.

Probably won't be online much tomorrow so this will likely be my last post from here! My flight leaves on Jan 1, 12:05am.

blessings for the journey

My small group prayed for me last night and it calmed my anxieties about the upcoming move. It's good to be reminded that the work of Christ in our lives is what's most important. And it was also good to receive affirmation of my witness during my time with them although I'm mindful of how much more work remains to be done in my life and my character.

I am closer to those who were also part of the group last year but there are more people this year whom I haven't really gotten to know and they don't really know me well either so it was very powerful to hear these words from them because they clearly weren't speaking from their knowledge of who I am and what I usually struggle with. These are a few visions, either in images and words of exhortation, that a few in the group received:

• An image of me sliding down a water-slide, holding up my arms in glee.
• Confidence--that I am well-prepared to do my job. (This was really powerful as I've been worried about my syllabi and class prep.)
• An image of Christ in HK, but then that image shifts back to Christ with me in the here and now as well.
  

Some of my friends and mentors think that religion assuages our indignation over injustice or it relieves fears and comforts us in our loss. And all that is true, but my time with my small group last night reminded me precisely that Christ has called us to be salt and light, and that we are to love as He loves wherever we find ourselves.

My work is important and I'm glad for it and I believe that the work I do will be to God's glory--at least that is my fervent prayer!!--but it is all that only insofar as it remains off-centered.

mixed bag

Well, the friend who was originally going to buy my car said the bank offered him a loan with better rates, so now we are going through with the deal after all. Even if that didn't happen, friend C knew someone who was very interested. I am very thankful and glad that it's all working out.

Worked in the morning on Saturday and then went to the Messiah Sing-a-long at Disney Hall this weekend and that was fantastic but my body collapsed again on Sunday. Spent it watching TV on the couch. Long week ahead. Hope to be productive. Then flying to PA for a conference, then back for two days before taking off. Oh my, oh my, oh my.

Good sermon on how truth and grace go together, in a reading of Paul's and Silas's imprisonment.

another cool sermon (on the first 22 verses of the book of Ruth)

I need to take deep breaths. DEEP BREATHS. deep breaths. Deep BREATHS. breathe. breath. BREATH. BREATHE. breathe. Breathe. breathe.

What's funny is that I've been listening to sermons online thanks to a friend's recommendation and now is the time to practice what I've learned. I really like her former pastor's sermons because they are so learned and they bring the biblical texts to life. Who says education's boring????

Click on E_rl P_lmer's sermons on this site. I've especially enjoyed his series on advent. Just yesterday, I prayed that I would find joy--its etymological root is "surprise"--this Christmas because thus far, I've been worrying more about my upcoming move than preparing to remember Christmas. And late last night, my friend who was pretty sure that he was going to buy my car from me told me that he couldn't get a loan and now I have to find a different buyer. Lord, this wasn't the surprise I had in mind!!!

It seems like such a small thing but I became so much more anxious than I want to be and I don't know why I let this get to me!!!!!!!

On the upside, I'm finally getting over my cold, I think, and hopefully, very soon, I'll be able to dive back into the mountain of work that I need to finish before Christmas. (It would help not to worry, z, it really would.)

sick again

I thought my cold this time was rather mild but after four days, my cough wasn't getting better and the over-the-counter cough suppressant wasn't helping, so I decided to go to a Chinese doctor. I'd been before and while the herbal meds worked great, it was also EXPENSIVE because it's not covered by insurance. So I was planning on not going back but then I woke up this morning and still felt bad and decided to bite the bullet and pay through the nose for bad-tasting herbs that nevertheless are really effective. Here are the herbs that I had to boil.

very busy week = finished teaching! met with students! some of them multiple times! meeting up with friends because they are leaving town before i leave town! trying to read but failing!

I think extroverts forget how they have an edge in fields where one has to talk a lot. I enjoy meeting with students and meeting with friends but after that, I'm exhausted and unable to do anything else.