Away for the next four days

At this point, my life revolves around anxiety management. I'm convinced that I'm not ready this year, and I think it helps if I think of the next two days as preparation for next year.

Really struggling to remember that my life is not my own.

Will be back very late at night on Dec 30.

Went to Christmas Eve candlelight service, then to a couple of friends' house for dinner (R and J) because they wanted to keep their celebration "secular." Had Christmas lunch with the CICF'ers and it was very fun. Played Uno and found that if you play with the real rules (instead of made-up versions that resemble those of mahjong), Uno can actually be quite fun even if it does depend more on chance rather than strategy.

I'm looking forward to seeing J and K again.

Symbolic

I made a list. As an act of faith.

the truth

I'm not ready. I'm just not.

I had a phone conversation with Prof A last night, and it is always nice to talk to her--she's very forthright, much more forthright than I am. But she also does it with grace and generosity, and I have much to learn from her.

She had just had an emergency operation for a twisted colon. She said it's quite a rare and sudden condition. Well, it was nice to hear her voice anyway.

I'd really like to talk to Prof C, but it wouldn't be appropriate, I think. Resisting the temptation to call her takes all the strength I have. I feel like such a child.

pendulum

Okay. We're back to fighting nausea. Again.

getting my head straight

Phew, lots to do before I leave for Chicago on Wed!

Feeling better this morning for several reasons:

1. I need to stop thinking about what *I* want.

2. I need to be completely professional, especially with respect to a certain school in which I have too much personal investment. It really isn't healthy for me, and I've been paralyzed by fear and anxiety for far too long.

3. I realized that my extreme sleeplessness last night (I think I was awake until 5 am) was due to the 2 cups of very strong Indian tea I imbibed yesterday during lunch time. I will now only consume that tea in the morning, and in very controlled amounts. My insomnia is bad enough even when I don't consume any caffeine.

no, no . . .

The worst thing is getting what everyone else thinks is a good thing.

I don't know. I'm confused. I'm confused, and anxious, and sleepless.

Help.

the paradox of being z

The worst thing that could happen, is that I get precisely what I wish for. And yet, I am filled with anxiety.

And even though I know how to think my way through this, I am still so anxious!

sigh.

no passport yet

Yesterday was a nightmare of a day. Hours and hours of waiting around at the consulate for them to process my passport renewal request, then the chip in the new passport wasn't working, and finally, the "server hang" on the M'sia side so they couldn't issue me a new one. Do NOT get me started on how frustrating it was. I finally got them to agree to pay for shipping, so they'll mail my new passport to me.

I had to go down myself because:

1) The passport pictures had to be with a "blue background," and EVERY photo place here only has a white background. The consulate had a photo service which consisted of the front desk guy, Remy, and his digital camera. I must say that Remy worked non-stop the entire time I was there and he even gave me a piece of pecan pie when I was the last person still waiting at the consulate. He was very sweet and hard-working.

2) If I mailed the passport in, it would've taken 3 months for them to process the renewal.

I got to see my old college friend Y_k_ who's working there, and ate good food in Chinatown! My friends and I also stopped by W__dbury Commons Outlet on our way down and Ts_ts_ got a very nice suit at CK. I didn't get anything.

On the way back up, T read the directions wrong and we ended up driving in NJ for 2 hours. We only got back in at 1am and I was so tired. Felt really sick today. Hopefully I'll be able to work tomorrow. Sigh. I need to work.

snow storm

No trip to NYC today. We already have about 2 inches now (9:54am), and we'll prob end up with 8-10 inches, and it's worse south of us.

We are also getting a "nor'easter" this weekend, so even if we had been reckless and had driven down to NYC today, we would've been snowed in the city (which prob would've been fun) over the weekend. I heard on the radio earlier this morning that a few cars had already skidded and gone off the road.

I definitely need to go down on Monday to get my passport renewed because the consulate closes on the 20th for the holidays.

very thankful

Mom emailed to say that dad went into operation much earlier than scheduled, and it's all over now. Doc says that the operation was successful, but mom couldn't speak to dad because he was still asleep when she was there.

in love, kind of

I went to the library to pick up one book that I'm hoping will help me get started on my next chapter. I ended up leaving with 20 books from that section.

I have 6 other books on my current list of books-to-pick-up-from-the-stacks. Sigh. This is why I need at least another year here.

Thanksgiving Break

Thanksgiving always reminds me of genocide, but never mind.

Went up to Rochester for a couple of nights to visit a fellow Malaysian who is now working there. It was about a 2-hr drive, which is a very short drive by US standards. I'll probably go down to NYC at some point in Dec to renew my passport and visit with friends there.

My friend and I cooked and ate and watched DVD's all day and night . . . I still don't feel like working. And of course, I have a pile of work that never seems to diminish. The more work you do, the more work there is.

I don't want to work anymore.
I don't want a job.

Sad news

I just received news that a guy I knew in college was killed in an attempted robbery. Amadou had just defended his dissertation recently and would have received his PhD this Dec.

relief

I think I've figured out how my insurance policy works . . . feel better now. :)

completely unproductive

only fell asleep last night at about 3am. sigh. wasn't very productive during the day, felt like a complete failure (what's new?), and didn't have a good badminton session either. spent the rest of the night feeling like a complete failure in all areas of my life. woke up late, then spent the morning waiting for the car inspector from my insurance company to do his job. his quote for the repairs is $1090, out of which $250 i have to pay for.

that means my insurance company will pay $840 worth of repairs, so they wrote me a check. if i don't make the repairs, or if i repair it without reporting it to the insurance company (for less than $840 and i pocket the rest), that's legal, but if i hit the front of my car again, the insurance company won't pay for any more repairs.

some of my friends would tell me to either

(1) don't make the repairs and pocket the $840
(2) repair it for less and pocket the change

because cars depreciate and it's not worth doing body work. i'm just worried if i do hit a deer again and if there's actually damage to my lights or engine--then i'll be paying it all myself.

sigh. so my entire morning is gone, with no work done, and i have to bring in my car to the shop this afternoon. great. this weekend is also pretty much taken up with things that i can't avoid.

on the bright side, someone's baked a russian tea cake for our christian fellowship meeting tonight.

back on track?

Played badminton yesterday and would really like to be regular again. I was sore and achey all over after that but I was also happier than I thought I would be. I guess I'd forgotten how happy it makes me.

Also starting to read for the dissertation again. Reading on "forgiveness" in philosophy and political theory now. Hopefully the books I've picked up from the library will be helpful. I tend not to like social science books; I really do love literature more than anything else.

I don't actually want a job now. I need more time to think and write!! Friend J who is a prof just wrote me saying that she's actually missing grad student life, and feels that teaching is taking her away from thinking and writing. Sigh.

They're re-paving the road that leads from the dorm out to the main street--FINALLY! There are so many potholes I often feel like I'm driving through a kampung road. Construction in Ithaca never ceases because the change in temperatures especially during the winter causes the streets to expand and contract. But I'm really happy they're doing our street now.

touched

Yesterday, my pilates instructor walked over to me before class started and asked me if I was okay. She said I seemed very quiet the past two sessions and she was wondering how I was doing.

I literally did a double-take when she said that. First, I didn't realize she even paid attention to me, and second, I guess I've had a lot on my mind this week. Being used as a "punching bag" really upset me, and I also realized that there was a glaring typo in the writing samples I've mailed out.

I was just really surprised that someone I didn't even really know could tell something was wrong.

feeling better

The person who hurt me yesterday apologized today, and explained certain things. I feel better. Maybe I just need to learn to expect to be hurt like that and just suck it up.

Sigh.

$&%$(#*$&%^*

I'm angry. Scared. Hurt. Annoyed. Confused. Resentful.

I need to stop caring. I need to protect myself.

But there are these voices that go, "But Sz_ W__, this is what life's about . . . ." Well, you know what? Damn those voices. I just don't have time for this shit.

hmmm

Doc recommended that my dad get a bypass. My mom and dad are going to talk to more docs, and my dad's going to think more about it.

not too cute

I was driving a few House-members to the mall tonight so they could buy decorations for our formal dinner on Friday, and I hit a deer. Deers are considered pests in this area because there are so many of them and they like to run across roads at night. I saw one coming across the road and I slowed down but I couldn't stop because I didn't know if there was a car behind me. For a second, the deer looked like it was going to turn away, then it changed its mind and ran straight in front of my car.

Luckily, I was going slow enough that it wasn't a huge impact so all of us were fine. The deer wasn't so fine (it died), and my hood is now dented. I'll have to bring my car to the shop tomorrow to have my mechanic check it out. Sigh.

too cute

At lunch today, House-member L described her boyfriend, House-member P, as a cross between Wolverine and Mr Darcy--high praise, indeed.

hard weekend over!

We spent this weekend on admissions decisions for next year's House-members. And while it was long and tiring, it was ten times better than last year's processes!!

1. We don't hate each other.
2. I didn't even need a drink after last night's 14-hour session.
3. Most of us may have lost a favorite candidate or two, but in general, we all thought it was a good compromise on most of our parts. I learned from last year's admissions processes that the slate of final candidates is always at best a compromise. There's no way 25 people will like the same people we will be admitting into the house when we only have a few spots open.

My friends and I were passing notes back and forth during debate (we're not allowed to talk except when we have the floor officially) and I think I laughed a great deal. Last year, I was close to tears for portions of the meetings. This year, we left the room with mostly good feelings about the work we did, but of course, there are always problems with the process and The House will continue to have discussions about how to improve it. I'm so glad that's over!

I'm so tired I can't think.

hard week

Lots on my mind. Got an email from my uncle yesterday saying that my dad has kidney failure. Fwded it to my mom, and she quickly wrote back saying that the doctors are not sure yet, and they still have to do a lot of tests. Spoke to both of them this morning and my dad sounded fine so I feel a little better, I guess.

Woke up in the middle of the night with anxious thoughts about the job market. I know that most people don't get jobs their first year on the market, but we're encouraged to apply as widely as possible anyway. I'm still sending things out but the thought of being rejected so many times is difficult. My last deadline for applications is Feb 1. This is a very long and drawn out process.

I'm already too emotionally involved with the admissions process here at The House. Even if I don't get a job--and I probably won't get a job--I won't be living here at The House next year. It's too tiring, and I want to focus all my time on the job market next year. I feel like I'm already doing a lot but maybe I could be doing even more. Well, life will just work itself out.

even more adrenaline . . .

The season of interviews and admissions is upon us at The House. We will spend the whole of this coming Saturday and Sunday debating and deciding on the eight new people who will live in The House next year.

Whoop dee doo.

herbs and multi-vitamins

For the past 3-4 years I've been a part of a reading group for Christian women who are either faculty, grad students, or staff at Cornelll, AND this year, women who are friends with any of the previous category have also joined us. Anyway. It's a great group.

I brought it up because a nutrition prof is one of the group's founders and we had a random conversation about how herbal supplements are made of herbs grown in the worst of soils . . . yuck! The lobby groups for herbal supplements are very strong and there's no regulation in that industry.

What will I do without echinacea pills the next time I have a cold? Hai. Friend Naomiobi said once that she takes multivitamins--I guess the next time I go to the store to replenish my fish oil capsules I'll get some too. Oh, and flu shot season has opened! I should get mine soon.

thankful

Went in this morning for a session with my chiropractor but he couldn't really help me out, so I went back again at 5:30pm. I was walking with a limp all day, but after the 5:30pm session, the limp was gone! I actually walked two blocks before I realized I wasn't thinking about every step I was taking, and I wasn't thinking about every step I was taking because it didn't hurt to take those steps anymore!!!

I still can't really bend over and I feel like someone's threaded a wire from the top of my right shoulder to my lower right back, but it's FABULOUS to be able to walk without pain. My mind is more alert now and I don't feel so doggone tired either.

sore back

Played badminton today for the first time in I don't know how long, but I ended up hurting my back after 40 minutes of not very intense play. I was preparing to serve when I felt a slight twinge in my back so I stopped for half a minute, then went on to play that point and another point beyond that. Then I really had to stop. Even though the pain wasn't very intense, it did restrict my movements and I thought it wouldn't have been wise to ignore the pain.

Walking back to the dorm from the gym usually takes about 15-20 minutes but tonight, it took me almost an hour to walk back because I couldn't take large or quick steps. I was literally putting one foot in front of the other. It's now a little better after a very hot shower, but I think I will have to try to get an appointment with my chiropractor for tomorrow.

You see? This is what happens when you spend all day in front of the computer.

trouble sleeping tonight

Lots to do tomorrow before I send off my application. Prof B bailed me out by writing the third letter I need for my application.Thank God.

Hope I'll be able to get to sleep soon.

"People are always looking for a religion that bedazzles and entertains, in which there is no waiting and no emptiness. . . . God provides a large, beautiful and complex creation in which we can live to the glory of God. God provides a painfully achieved, deeply wrought redemption so that we can experience the love of God. "For freedom Christ has set us free!" Then, in a moment of boredom, we turn our backs on all of that and say to someone or other, "Make us gods." Entertain us; pamper us; amuse us. Give us some supernatural gewgaw that we can play with. We abandon the awesome silence of worship and fill the air with tiresome discussions of circumcision or uncircumcision. We get tired of the strenuous life of freedom and faith and regress to the old slave religion that reduces God to a decoration or an amulet or a scar. We buy some religious idea or practice that we think will eliminate the pain of being human, banish all moments of emptiness and waiting. A living faith is traded in on an infantile religion" (142-143).

Taken from Eugene Peterson's "Traveling Light: Modern Meditations on St Paul's Letter of Freedom."

no respect

I'm really struggling with anger with a couple of my profs who have not written their recommendation letters for me. Some of the application guidelines state specifically that rec letters have to be postmarked by a certain date. And I've sent them email after email asking them to write my letters for me, and two of them have not replied AT ALL. That is just ethically wrong.

Another friend (who is now a prof at Upenn) told me that these two profs went down to the city for the opera this weekend, and then they were going on to the Jersey coast for the rest of Fall Break. I'm sorry. Opera? Jersey coast? Versus possibly getting a job?? I mean, couldn't they have written my letters BEFORE they went on their break? I understand that profs need to be protective of their time, and I think they should be. But this is ridiculous. They have repeatedly been unavailable. I think I've sent them at least 4-5 emails about this.

I'm really, really angry because two of my deadlines have passed, and two others are coming up (Oct 9 and 10). I hope I don't have to look them in the face any time soon because I don't think I can hide the fact that I have absolutely no respect for them at all.

fatigue

Paraphrased the gist of part of an email exchange with a prof re a draft I'm working on:

Prof. B: It looks like you're on your way to a good writing sample. You should do . . . bla bla bla and bla . . . But what happens after pg. 22?

Me: Oh, I don't know. I'm still writing.

One of the smartest decisions I made early on in my graduate career was to put Prof B on my committee. She doesn't work on my area AT ALL but she has been the most responsive re my job market materials.

I've been so tired the past two days that I could only work in the afternoon and in the early evening. This morning especially the whole of my upper back felt bruised and battered and I was so stressed out about my upcoming deadline on Monday that I decided to go back to bed, sleep until Pilates then try to work after that. Pilates did in fact release all the tension in my upper back, and thankfully, I managed to churn out my quota for the day.

Truly, what I manage to do, I do not do by my strength alone.

back down low

Dissertation highs are like sugar highs--before you know it, you've fallen back down and you feel worse than you did before.

Blah.

I need to turn in whatever I've written of chap 2 tomorrow morning but I already have so many comments and suggestions for myself--and I've only read four of the pages I've written.

Sigh.

Oh yeah, weird story: I got a check in the mail for quite a large sum of money, but I don't know the guy who sent it and why he would send it!! There's a name and address on the back of the envelope so I googled the guy, got his email and contacted him asking why he sent me the check. I'm so forgetful these days, he could be paying me for something legitimate--but I have absolutely no recollection what I could have sold him. Really strange.

Friends J and B said I should totally cash the check first before the guy replies. :) After all, my name is on the check. I dunno though. This sounds absolutely fishy . . . except that this guy is a PhD student from the U of Hawaii . . . ?? The check came from Ohio University so it could be work-related . . . but I have nothing to do with Ohio University . . . This is such a mystery.

Feeling a little down in the dumps today. Sigh.

yay!!!

I'm finally DONE revising the job letter and dissertation abstract!!! When I met with N (my advisor) today, she used the word "amazing" at least three times. AMAZING. She also said, at least 3-4 times, "I really like this" and "This is really good."

Woohoo!!!!

I then told her that if I had to revise it one more time I would throw up. . . . I was joking-lah. :p I'm just in time too, because I have to submit an application on Oct 1. No weekend off for me! But then again, that's not unusual.

This whole week I've been mostly working on chap 2, out of which my 25-page writing sample will come. The more I write, the more I am convinced that this will be a 50-page chapter. I have about 20 pages currently, and I have to turn it in to my profs by this Friday so they can refer to it when they write me my recommendation letters.

Unfortunately, I have a deadline on Oct 8 that requires me to send in this as-yet-very-rough chapter. My argument is taking awhile to build up, but I really like what I'm trying to do!!

Of course, now that I'm still on a high from receiving compliments from my adviser, life is really fun!!! I don't even want to work on the writing sample even though I probably should. Nah!!! I'll just pick it up again tomorrow morning.

I don't want any stress to adulterate my happiness!!!!!!

blah

Wow. Don't think I'll make it to badminton until mid or end of November. Too much to do if I want to meet the deadlines. This is really taking over my life, and apparently, friend J reports from her position as a new prof that it only gets 10 times worse once you actually begin your job.

Thanks for your comments, Cat. :) You need to keep us updated about your projects--I'd love to hear about them!!

Aaagggh

Stress levels have risen a great deal. Many deadlines in Oct and the Nov deadlines aren't much of a comfort because they want me to send them more materials. Much to do. I'm even skipping badminton, that's how much work and stress I have right now. Will go back next week, I hope, this week is rough.

The job list came out yesterday

My stomach is roiling.

I wish I had read two years ago the books I'm reading now.

again, from Derrida's "Gift of Death"

“On what condition is responsibility possible? On the condition that the Good no longer be a transcendental objective, a relation between objective things, but the relation to the other, a response to the other; an experience of personal goodness and a movement of intention. That supposes, as we have seen, a double rupture: both with orgiastic mystery and with Platonism. On what condition does goodness exist beyond all calculation? On the condition that goodness forget itself, that the movement be a movement of the gift that renounces itself, hence a movement of infinite love. Only infinite love can renounce itself and, in order to become finite, become incarnated in order to love the other, to love the other as a finite other. This gift of infinite love comes from someone and is addressed to someone; responsibility demands irreplaceable singularity. Yet only death or rather the apprehension of death can give this irreplaceability, and it is only on the basis of it that one can speak of a responsible subject, as the soul as conscience of self, of myself, etc. . . . There is thus a structural disproportion or dissymmetry between the finite and responsible mortal on the one hand and the goodness of the infinite gift on the other hand. One can conceive of this disproportion without assigning to it a revealed cause or without tracing it back to the event of original sin, but it inevitably transforms the experience of responsibility into one of guilt: I have never been and never will be up to the level of this infinite goodness nor up to the immensity of the gift, the frameless immensity that must in general define (in-define) a gift as such. This guilt is originary, like original sin. Before any fault is determined, I am guilty inasmuch as I am responsible. What gives me my singularity, namely, death and finitude, is what makes me unequal to the infinite goodness of the gift that is also the first appeal to responsibility” (51).

from Derrida's "The Gift of Death"

“Something has not yet arrived, neither at Christianity nor by means of Christianity. What has not yet arrived at or happened to Christianity is Christianity. Christianity has not yet come to Christianity. What has not yet come about is the fulfillment, within history and in political history, and first and foremost in European politics, of the new responsibility announced by the mysterium tremendum. There has not yet been an authentically Christian politics because there remains this residue of the Platonic polis. Christian politics must break more definitively and more radically with Greco-Roman Platonic politics in order to finally fulfill the mysterium tremendum” (28).

“But Patocka not only refers to the political profile of Neoplatonism; he also makes oblique reference to something that is not a thing but that is probably the very site of the most decisive paradox, namely, the gift that is not a present, the gift of something that remains inaccessible, unpresentable, and as a consequence secret. The event of this gift would link the essence without essence of the gift to secrecy. For one might say that a gift that could be recognized as such in the light of day, a gift destined for recognition, would immediately annul itself. The gift is secret itself, if the secret itself can be told. Secrecy is the last word of the gift which is the last word of the secret” (30).

arrival of fall

Temps have dropped quite a bit so now everyone has to wear at least a sweater or a light jacket outside--just 2 days ago, we were all still in shorts and t-shirts or tank tops. And with the cool weather, I suspect we're going to see the first round of cold viruses as well. Mercy! Mercy!

I am also learning to expect Wednesdays to be physically difficult for me. I am either nauseated, have irritable bowels, or like today, I'd feel so tired I can hardly get anything done. I also learned last week from an undergrad that they call Wednesdays "Hump Days," i.e. after you get over this hump, the rest of the week will be fine.

Work is moving on slowly. Just met with my adviser about Draft 2, and she likes what I've done with it although I will probably need to revise it extensively one more time before going through it the last time for minor edits. Those unfamiliar with the writing process in academia might think this process is too long, but this is pretty much run of the mill and in fact, I'm glad to be getting off so lightly. The end is in sight for me. As we tell our students, there is no such thing as good writing, there is only good re-writing.

That said, I'm really glad because my adviser does feel like I've really hit on the questions that I'm passionate about, and she can see me turning the dissertation into a book project. Of course, at this point, I just want to write the dissertation.

But time is running out. I have one more week to do the readings I want to do (5-6 more books on forgiveness, justice, and the gift) and then I have to churn out the first draft of my writing sample. Within this next week, I also have to produce my teaching portfolio. I really, really should've done that over the summer. Aaagggh.

Isn't there a Cantonese saying that goes, "Yauh sihgaan seih, mouh sihgaan pehng . . . "?
(I have time to die, but I don't have time to get sick.)

Sigh. I suspect I am getting sick, but I will have to try to keep on working anyway.

not that effective

Used the lightbox this morning but it didn't help as I was very sleepy again by 9am, and had to take a 40 minute nap. Sigh.

Last night wasn't too bad but it wasn't great either. But today ended up being pretty good, I don't know why!! Played badminton, which I don't usually do on Saturdays but it was fun. Got some work done this afternoon and will work for another hour or so before I meet with some of my dorm friends for some wine.

I'm so confused

I think this is my best year at Cornell yet. I'm so happy to be doing what I'm doing right now. But I can't deny that it stresses me out and I'm usually exhausted even when I don't have much to show for that exhaustion. This is really frustrating. The mood swings are still pretty extreme; one day I'm bursting with energy and enthusiasm, and the next day, it's all I can do to contain my tears.

I'm driving myself nuts.

Finally had the results from my sleep study back, and nothing seems to be the trouble. The doctor thinks that I wake up because of anxiety and stress, and that I'm just hardwired to go to bed late and wake up late. By trying to wake up at 7am I'm fighting against my own circadian rhythms, so he suggested using a lightbox. I guess I will try using the lightbox. It's either that or be like my friend J--she goes to bed at 4am and wakes up at noon.

Because circadian rhythms might be genetic, I have to use a lightbox for the rest of my life I want to keep waking up early. That, or find a job that doesn't start till 10:30am at the earliest!! Well, I'm thankful that I don't have sleep apnea or RLS!!

weekend

Couldn't focus this weekend, so didn't do any work. Feel marginally better.

roller coaster

One day, I'm at the top of the mountain, and two days later, I'm back at the bottom. Is this what this next year is going to be like?? One day I feel hungry as a horse, and the next day, I can't eat without feeling nauseated. Will I wake up every morning wondering if I'm going to feel like I'm the worst student on campus, or am I going to feel happy because I'm doing what I've been called to do?

And it's so hard, because there are people around me who believe that what they're doing is fabulous, that they have something to say. And yeah yeah, some people will say, "Oh, well, you don't really know what they're feeling inside. They feel just as insecure as you do!"

B_ll.

There are people who think they are the most wonderful creatures in the world. There are people who think they are incredibly smart (some of them are, some of them aren't).

I don't care if they are what they think they are, I just wish I had their confidence--that comfort, that security, that assurance.

Aaaaagggh. (Okay, please don't respond to this post either. I just need to vent.)

little pleasures

Met with my adviser yesterday to talk about my dissertation abstract, and she thought I had a very good first draft . . . . She was actually interested in my project. Wow. That made me excited.

And I'm finding books now that I wish I had thought to read last year (so that I would have a whole other year to read and process them). But maybe I wouldn't have found them interesting last year because I didn't become interested in the questions I'm interested in until this past summer. I want more time!!!!

My adviser liked what what I wrote. Wow.

great questions

• Saw a link to this on Sivin's site:
  
• 
  
• Am I conscious of the uniqueness of each period in my life?
• Do I think mainly in techniques or principles --- ideas or concrete proposals?
• How do I define "better?"
• How do I define accomplishment?
• How do I define good?
• How do I define integrity?
• How do I define my uniqueness?
• How many specific areas of responsibility are in my life? (e.g church, family, business, community, friends, charity, ministry organizations, etc)
• How would I define my present lifestyle?
• How would I define the lifestyle I would like to have?
• Is it easier for me to make my point in a group or one on one?
• What am I contributing to the common good?
• What am I waiting for?
• What are my abilities?
• What are my allergies (things that turn me off): emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically?
• What are my major/minor causes?
• What can I concentrate on at length?
• What concepts do I understand the best?
• What creates energy and excitement?
• What dissipates energy?
• What do others ask me to do?
• What is my comfortable social strata?
• What is my most productive mood?
• What keeps me from being what I want to be?
• What matters equally touch my head/heart?
• What opportunities can be created?
• What subjects interest me repeatedly?
• What will I be like in 1/5/10 years?
• When do I feel God is using me?
• When do I feel good?
• When do I feel guilty?
• Which subjects do I communicate best?
• Who and what commands my attention?
• Who can do what to help me?
• Who do I enjoy being with?
• Who is my current mentor and what is he doing for me?
• Who should I team with?
• Why am I doing what I am doing?
• Why do I procrastinate?

I like the questions, but I'm not quite sure how they are "mentoring questions."

Pictures from the canoe trip

More pictures of the trip's participants on my facebook album. I was really struck by how much we annoyed one another . . . and how much we accepted and loved one another despite how annoyed we got.

All the same, I'm glad it was only a three-day trip. :p

video from canoe trip

wired again

Been out of touch because after the canoe trip, I moved back into T-house and because they were changing the network system, we didn't get internet in our rooms until last night. Spent the morning clearing out my inbox and catching up with some news from different friends with blogs.

Haven't downloaded my pictures from the canoe trip yet, but here are Roxann's pictures. And here are Peter's pictures. Oh, and also Part 2.

The past couple of weeks have been a series of goodbyes, especially to friends who came in either my year or the year before mine--so yes, it's been tough because we've been friends for about five years now. I didn't take pictures at most of the goodbye meals, but I did take a lot of pictures with Becky's camera at yesterday's CICF goodbye party.

Going to play badminton this evening after a two-week hiatus. Not looking forward to the huffing and puffing that comes when I stop cardio for that long.

Oh yeah, also slept at the sleep-study lab last night. Won't find out results for another couple of weeks.

a few scattered thoughts

Feeling a little emotional today. Stress? That time of the month coming (I hope it doesn't come this weekend because of the canoe trip)? Maybe I'm a little off because I couldn't sleep very well last night (couldn't really breathe last night because of my cold). Anyway.

Progress on what I need to do this week is going slow, but it is going and that makes me happy. I feel relieved, actually, and I suppose that counts as happiness!!

A little affirmation goes a long way. I spoke briefly with the pilates teacher today about how I still can't do certain movements, and I found it really helpful when she looked me in the eye and gently assured me that it's okay, different people find different movements difficult and that I'm actually doing really well. She reminded me what muscles I should be working and to be patient, that eventually I will be able to do those movements as well.

I was beating myself up today because a friend wanted me to help her move because she doesn't have a car and I said no because I felt like I had to focus on my work (with a mid-day break of pilates). I really felt like a horrible person.

Then a few hours later, another friend asked me if I could drive him and his wife to the airport in S_r_cuse (1 hr away) on Aug 20, and before they finished their sentence, I said yes immediately. So on the one hand, it would take much less time for me to help my friend move a carload than it would be for me to drive this couple (it would consume about 2.5 hours of my time), but it was so much easier for me to say yes in the second instance.

This is why:

1. The Couple have been my friends for 5 years or so, and my generosity is a poor reflection of their generosity to me. I've really only known Friend X for a few months at the most and not very well, at that. This doesn't mean that I want to help only those who help me, but I think it is true that I've come to care for The Couple in a deeper way.

2. I don't feel like Friend X even takes the time to listen seriously to what I have to say, although this is probably because of the stress in her own life. I need to be careful not to assume that this is because her character is flawed.

3. The Couple planned way ahead and gave me time to work my schedule around their need! Friend X asked me today, and she knows that I'm working on some really stressful stuff this week and I need to turn drafts in by Friday. Another friend emailed in the morning asking if I had time to talk later this evening, and I said yes and don't feel like it's a burden because this friend was very considerate of my time and isn't demanding a listening ear simply because it's something *she* needs done today, right now. When people show that they understand that I'm busy and therefore need to set boundaries for what I can do or give, I am actually much more willing to try and give more than I originally would.

(Notice how I'm not thinking of the financial cost of these favors, but of how much time it would take--although, money is really a form of labor-time!)

I often feel frustrated because most Christians don't understand what it means to be on the job market in the humanities . . . they're mostly in the sciences or the social sciences, and the job markets in those areas are much better right now. It really sucks when people dismiss the struggles I face because subsequently I am less inclined to share . . . which causes them to feel like I'm shutting them out . . . which then frustrates me even further.

I understand that I'm not supposed to worry or stress out, but I still struggle with it. I'm sorry, I do. Dismissing the fact that I am stressed (for very good reasons!) or just brushing it off does not help one bit.

not so bad

Feeling better about that friend. Guess I just needed to vent! We also had fun conversations today, so it's all good. :)

The worst of my cold is over, which is amazingly quick given my track record.

I have a working dissertation title now! Won't share it because it will probably change--I'm very bad at coming up with titles.

frustration

You know what I really hate? People who assume that I'm not busy. I'm sorry, I am busy, and I can't do a lot of things right now because I have a shit load of things to do and just because I want to be nice and do some nice things for people every now and then, it doesn't mean they can assume that I'm going to be their babysitter. Sometimes, I just need them to listen to me whine and to take me seriously just as I take them and their whining seriously too.

UGGH. I need grace to show grace, PLEASE!!!

feeling ill

Have a bad cold (AGAIN!) and feeling yucky despite going full force with all meds.

Trying to figure out if I want to line up an apt for spring NOW, or wait until Nov to see if any thing opens up for the spring. I hate making decisions, I really do. One of the apts I'm considering is a basement apt, and it doesn't get much light, but I'm already thinking of getting a "light box" to help with my sleeping problems, so it won't matter much that the apt is kinda dark, right?

Saw the sleep doctor on Friday, and he suggested sitting in front of a light box for 30 mins when I wake up. Will also be going in for an overnight sleep study, although the doc seems to think that my probs are due to bad habits and stress. Among the (very impossible) habits that he wants me to inculcate are:

- no bright lights (TV, computer, reading lights) as soon as possible after dark.
---> What will I do??? Sit around and shake my legs? No work??? Sigh.

- no heavy exercise after dinner-time (6pm)
---> Most of my badminton buddies can only play after work!

- no naps
---> I limit myself to one nap (15 mins) a day otherwise I don't know how I'd make it.

- no thinking or reading in bed
---> This means I have to do all my work sitting up straight (no sofas, no couches for me because of my back problems, remember?)

Life is hard, very hard. But I suppose if I do all this, my life will actually resemble most normal people's . . . except that I can't play badminton after 7pm.

change

got this from naomiobi's blog:

abandoned expectations

from today's slice of infinity:

Noted author and pastor Craig Barnes poignantly describes the emergence of new perspectives as the very process of conversion:

"The deep fear behind every loss is that we have been abandoned by the God who should have saved us. The transforming moment in Christian conversion comes when we realize that even God has left us. We then discover it was not God, but our image of God that abandoned us.... Only then is change possible."

Indeed, Joseph reveals his new perspective to his brothers who betrayed him; "As for you, you meant evil against me but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive" (Genesis 50:20). This is no biblical cliche. Joseph did witness God's intervention and love. But not in the way he expected. God has not promised to make our lives go as we plan. Instead, God promises to give us the necessary new perspective to see his goodness and grace in the midst of our abandoned expectations.

unbelievable

Friend E hurt her finger and asked me to drive her to the university clinic. The x-rays show that her wasn't broken but she's waiting to hear back to see it's fractured. She's hoping that it's only jammed, and that she'll be able to play frisbee again soon (that's how she hurt her finger). We got everything done around lunchtime so we went to CTB's together and had a good conversation.

E confessed that it scares her that men are so visual in their orientation to how "attractive" a woman is or is not . . . I was a little stunned to hear her say that because E is gorgeous. Beautiful. I am always shocked to I learn that my amazing, beautiful, wonderful female friends worry about their bodies or faces. They are lovely inside and outside . . . and they still worry. It's a horrible world where beautiful women are so constantly critical of themselves and so afraid that they are unloved and unloveable.

On another note, I didn't get much sleep last night (thanks to a sinfully-rich choc dessert full of caffeine) and am really barely functional today. Sigh.

Ps - E knows that beauty fades, and she's afraid that if a man loves her now because of her physical appearance, he might stop loving her one day.

not much to tell

Life has been uneventful lately (thank God!!!), so haven't been posting much. The few things that do come to mind:

1. Goat roast today! Frien B_cky's parents came up this weekend to bring her final load of furniture (she moved into my summer sublet apt) , so they're also spending the weekend camping at a nearby park and invited CICF'ers over for a pot-luck where they provided roast goat!! VERY yummy. And it's always fun to eat and relax with other people. S_mson gave me a ride home because neither one of us wanted to go to the concert after the meal. We had a very nice long conversation on the drive back--mostly because I accidentally brought B_cky's car keys with me and we had to turn back to drop the keys off so she could get home!!!!!

2. Read the last book in the Harry Potter series today! Was going to wait till Christmas to read it but people keep talking about it and they often let slip what happens, so I decided to go ahead and read it for myself. It didn't start off too well and there are obvious holes in it but I do like how it turned out in the end. I really do think that all that is lovely and good is a variation of the good news. But that's my humble opinion. :)

3. Saw Michael Moore's Sicko on Fri night and really enjoyed it. It really is a BAD idea to get sick or have accidents if you are not covered by a pretty comprehensive insurance plan. Even if you do have insurance, lots of people still have trouble with medical bills. Quite horrifying.

4. 2 more weeks before I move back into T-house. Sigh.

AAAHHHHHH!!!!

It's July and I'm still cold. CICF is going on its annual weekend canoeing/camping trip mid-August this year because late August is too cold, but at this rate, we might still be cold!!!!

blessings again

Had a wonderful walk and then a very nutritious dinner with an old friend and old roommate, E, who is a Nutrition PhD. E and I are very different in temperament, as different as could possibly be, I think. But over the years, I think we've learned how to get along with and appreciate one another!

E just spent about a year in Afghanistan and has been back trying to write up her dissertation. We had a very good conversation about various things, and our conversation actually confirmed that something I'm thinking of doing could be the right thing to do.

It was very restful to be with someone who understands how I operate and accepts me for who I am and what I can offer.

Pilates

I went to my first pilates class today, and it was hard. The class definitely made me work out muscles I never knew I had. Actually, to be more accurate, it made me work out muscles that I never knew I never had!

My past back problems--no, I'm not a hypochondriac, I really do have all these problems!--have been concentrated on my lumbar and while I am doing MUCH better now after chiropractic care, trying to do some of the pilates exercises revealed just how atrophied the muscles in that area are!

There was just no way I could've done the exercise that would have required me to bring my legs and back up over my stomach and head (reverse bridge?) much less do that holding the exercise ball between my legs. That was so impossible for me I just gaped in astonishment at the instructor and the other folks in the class.

Needless to say, this revelation alone is spurring me to drop my regular gym workout (cardio and light weights) in favor of the pilates sessions because the classes run during the times I would've gone to the gym anyway. I need to strengthen my lower back and clearly my gym workouts aren't helping! My gym workout has helped overall but now it's time to target my back muscles and pilates seems to be better for that.

Academics have horrible posture, back problems, and carpal tunnel. I want none of that.

piece from Sojourners

Check out Sojourners for more.

----

Sanctuary Breaks An Unjust Law

by Alexia Salvatierra

Why would a congregation risk prosecution to provide sanctuary
to an immigrant family? Why would a pastor decide that people
who have broken laws deserve protection, support, and advocacy?

When I was doing missionary work in Southeast Asia, I attended a
service in a language that I didn't speak. At a certain point, I
discerned that they were saying the Lord's Prayer. It was an
amazing moment; I felt the depth of our connection as brothers
and sisters in Christ, beyond all of our differences. When we
got to the line, "Forgive our debts as we forgive our debtors,"
I was struck by the insight that one of the deepest roots of our
connection is the common experience of God's mercy. While we
were yet sinners ... while we did not deserve forgiveness ...
before we had any capacity to repent ... someone loved us enough
to die for us. Someone had compassion on us - literally "com"
(with) and "passion" (feeling) - someone felt with us, felt our
pain as if it was his pain, our hopes and dreams as if they were
his hopes and dreams.

Sanctuary is an act of compassion, an expression of mercy. It
is, however, not mercy at the expense of justice. Participants
in the New Sanctuary Movement believe that our current
immigration system is profoundly unjust - so unjust that we
believe that we are facing one of those unique moments
throughout history when divine law and human law are in
conflict, and God's justice demands that we stand with those who
break unjust laws even at the risk of sharing their punishment.
Sanctuary is not only about mercy; it is also about justice.

But for many of us, the decision to provide sanctuary is rooted
in the impulse of the heart to love as we have been loved - to
hear the cries of Liliana and Joe and Mae and Jose and Juan and
Jean's children and respond with compassion.

Yet, the act of sanctuary is more than simple charity. What we
do with someone who has broken into our house only to go on to
clean it, take care of our garden, remodel the deck, watch over
the children, and cook us dinner? We read in Hebrews that those
of us who provide hospitality have entertained angels unaware.
To offer sanctuary is to recognize that the strangers in our
midst are blessing us, in clear and mysterious ways. May we
respond with the hospitality that we have received.

Rev. Alexia Salvatierra is the executive director of CLUE
(Clergy and Laity United for Economic Justice), an organization
of religious leaders in Los Angeles county who support low-wage
workers.

not much of an update

My mind is a whirl of thoughts much too confused to share right now. I'm not sure they're bad thoughts. They're certainly difficult to think through.

Sometimes I feel so old. Then I remember, well, I am getting older!!! :) I just wish I haven't felt so old for so long. I think that's why sometimes I so enjoy the childish pleasures of life.

The "smart" kid is supposed to be smart all the time. And then you get to graduate school and you realize that you can't frame your world that way anymore, especially as a Christian academic. God calls each and everyone of us to our particular life paths and gives us different gifts for the journey; one is not better than another. But too often we forget this.

Sometimes I feel so selfish, and other times, I wonder . . . why not? :) Sometimes I feel like people want to see me a certain way, like they expect me to live a certain kind of life--because they think I have certain gifts or strengths. That's really hard to live with because I often feel that failure is not an option for me. And of course, "success" is very narrowly defined, so missing the mark is that much easier.

Healing comes, but slowly.

I'm going to ask everyone who reads this to not respond, either through the comment section or more privately on email.

unadulterated lust

When I actually have a real job, I want this. Archit already has one and it is SO easy to use that even I can use it! That's how user-friendly it is!!!!

if it's not one thing . . .

Got to sleep last night more easily than other nights! But then I woke up at 3:45am because I had a really scary nightmare. From time to time, I will dream of people who are possessed by spirits--thankfully this time, it was as if I was watching it on TV, and I wasn't actually interacting with the people in my dream.

I managed to go back to sleep after awhile though, so that was good.

another little blessing!

Saw a couple of fireflies in the backyard!! I'm always excited to see fireflies. :)

Made an appointment to see the doctor (a real doctor, not a nurse practitioner) at the student health center because I'm really concerned about my sleeping problems. Ideally, I'll be able to go in for an overnight observation at the local sleep research center. I hope I don't have a sleep disorder but it would be nice to be able to rule it out for sure.

moving along, if slowly

Still struggling with difficulties sleeping, but that's not terribly unusual. Worrying, but not unusual.

HOWEVER, I am doing much better this week. Nothing like a crisis to bring friends out of the woodwork--maybe I need to go through crises more often! Haha, no thanks, just kidding. I really appreciate all the concern people have shown.

I don't think I have the energy right now to go into all the details but as one person said, I do know myself a lot better now and I won't let anyone tell me what I am or am not thinking. Nothing makes a person feel crazier than when someone else is telling you that you're thinking this or that's why you do that . . . and they're wrong about it. I want to be teachable and humble, but at some level, I think I do know what's going on in my head better than most other people.

Friend Jade pointed out that encountering surprising, left-field occurrences like this used to be a weekly affair in our lives. :) But now we're smarter and avoid people as much as possible, hahaha!! There are reasons why we "withdraw" from people and the most important being our sanity!

Turned in my draft on Tues morning but it was nowhere near what I was hoping it would look like; again, not surprising given my frame of mind. I'm still a little resentful that my work was affected. Trying to get refreshed now and will move on to other work I need to do before I can revise the draft that I just turned in.

mantra

Having flaws does not make me a horrible person.
I'm not a horrible person because I'm not perfect.
Having flaws does not make me a horrible person.
I'm not a horrible person because I'm not perfect.
Having flaws does not make me a horrible person.
I'm not a horrible person because I'm not perfect.
Having flaws does not make me a horrible person.
I'm not a horrible person because I'm not perfect.

feeling better

Could only sleep 4 hours last night despite using melatonin, managed to sleep about 40 minutes this afternoon. But still tired.

Had lunch and another long conversation with Prof R, and cleared up a few things that were making me crazy and that made me doubt who I am. Prof R really is a lovely person and I learned that I am able to confront someone when they mis-speak and hurt me without meaning to. More about that on Tues, maybe.

Ups to friends Cat and Naomiobi for their continuing support and friendship. It really helps to have friends who are peers--I seem to have a lot of friends who are older than I am!!

And Uncle Paul, you're right, I made it through. :):) How did you know????

Now, I'm just hoping my sleeping problems will go away soon. Decided to turn in my draft on Tues morning instead of Mon afternoon. It won't look anything like what I was hoping it would look like but right now this really is all I can manage. Going shopping on Wed for a power suit! Hah!

Also looking forward to tomorrow night's 4th of July fireworks, put on by Ithaca College. Going over to Mark's and Jan's place to watch the show from their balcony. There are also a ton of fireflies in the field behind their house so I'm very excited.

Small pleasures keep my spirits up. :)

in a bad shape

The night before last, I think I only fell asleep at 3am, dunno why. As a result, was very tired yesterday and could hardly write.

Last night was worse. I was up until 5am, and got up at 8am. I do know why I couldn't sleep but I'm not in the right frame of mind to say why (and esp not on a blog!). Suffice it to say that I called friend Naomiobi in the middle of the night and blubbered at her for a bit before I could even begin to explain the story. I felt better after that, but I still couldn't completely let go.

Woke up this morning and felt the same way, but I am taking steps to try and get over this. It's not easy, and I wish I didn't have this on my mind when I'm trying to finish this draft that's due on Monday.

distractions

I guess I forgot to mention that I've been working furiously on the dissertation chapter that's due this upcoming Monday. I've had ugly moments of being close to tears, and then moments of sheer joy--usually if I meet my page quota for the day--and in between the rolls and rises of dissertation writing, I'm learning to enjoy cooking. Miracle of miracles.

Hey, when I have to choose between making a meal and writing the next sentence, making the meal is way more fun!! Right now, I'm testing out my friend's bread-machine (the friend who sublet-ed her room to me) but unfortunately, because I didn't press the pan down into the machine, the thing sat there for a whole hour before I unplugged the machine and tried to figure out why nothing seemed to be happening. Now my oatmeal bread won't be done until 1am, at which point I hope to be very fast asleep.

smells of home

tried to make belacan fried rice last weekend at a malaysian couple's home last weekend (to celebrate their baby's full-moon, i.e. he was born exactly a month ago), and when we smelled the belacan cooking, we all felt like we were at home.

the smell of belacan = the smell of home.

p.s - the rice for the fried rice wasn't that great, and i forgot to account for the ground meat that we were adding to the rice, so i didn't have enough belacan or shallots in the paste.

mulberries

I've been getting annoyed about parking my car in the backyard. Of course, I love having off-street parking because my summer sublet is on one of the busy streets of Ithaca, and on a pretty steep hill, no less. BUT, after I got back from Maine, I had my car washed and the morning after, my car was covered in bird poop and dark purple berry splats.

However, once I got over my annoyance, I realized that the berry splats came from the mulberries dropping by the hundreds from the mulberry tree in our backyard! So my roommate and I went out with bowls and harvested a whole lot. She took these three pictures.

Unfortunately for me as I found out, mulberries give me the runs. Well, at least these ones did. So no more mulberries for me. It's a pity because they're apparently very good for immune systems. And we all know just how often I catch colds.

I also need a haircut desperately but I'm too cheap to spring for one just yet. I'll wait until either the Fall semester. Or, maybe when I get a job interview (haha, yeah right). I guess it doesn't matter too much since I'm trying to grow it out. Short hair is nice except for the fact that I have to get it cut every month.

(I've decided that I can't do much with my round face.)

more disgust

A Hindu woman has been incarcerated by the Islamic authorities in Malaysia because they claim her as Muslim. Saw this on Sivin's blog. Horrifying.

worth a try

Had a long conversation with R tonight. R is a professor at Cornell in policy analysis, and she's one of the profs who run the Christian women faculty/grad/staff reading group at Cornell that I've been going to for the past 3 years or so.

She confronted me about certain things I do and the way I behave, in a very gentle way, and some of it is still a little surprising (and thus a little difficult to accept) but I really am going to consider a few things that I did not realize about myself:

1. People do not need to be perfect for me to love them.

2. I am very quick to judge people and write them off, i. e. I decide that I don't trust them (because they're going to hurt me or they're out to take or demand things/time) or that they're not worth getting to know (because I'm just too tired and besides, they are so self-involved anyway).

3. I need to communicate with people when they hurt me or cross my boundaries instead of keeping it all in and letting resentment build. When I am hurt or resentful, I often ignore the people who I see as responsible and shut them out of any real intimate relationship.

4. When I do confront people about their hurtful actions, I need to do so gently and listen to what the other person has to say. And I need to tell them about how hurt I feel because if I don't, all they're going to see is the hard-ass, aggressive side of me.

5. I also need to affirm them and tell them that they matter to me.

6. I need to touch them gently--I told R that I can try to pat them a couple of times on the shoulder and that's it--and again, affirm that I do care for them and that I am interested in being in relationship with them.

Needless to say, all this is terrifying and overwhelming, so R said I can experiment with three practice people (and she's one of them) who will be "safe" to try this on first.

Well, I'm willing to give it a shot . . . I mean, I'm not exactly happy with the way my life is right now and I don't exactly have better ideas for how to fix it. :p

return of the elder brother

I'm really struggling not to be the elder brother right now. If you don't understand what that means, that's fine. It basically just means I don't really like who I am right now. :)

Maybe I'll explain myself in a later post.

facebook

Anwar Ibrahim is on facebook!!!!! I can't believe it.

Short posts

Maybe if I put up short posts from time to time, I'll be able to get more thoughts out. If I forced myself to sit down and write everything down, I'll never do it for being so overwhelmed.

Every time I go back to Bates, I'm a better person. I like who I am when I'm there. And this last trip back reminded me of who I used to be, or who I can be, or who I'd like to be--I haven't figured out which.

But here are a couple of things on my mind (maybe this won't be a short post after all!):

#1 : I don't care as much anymore. I don't want to know, I don't want to think, I don't want to feel, I don't want to do anything. I never used to be this way. I think I used to be engaged, incensed, informed, and active. Now, I just want a quiet life that seems to be made up of my dull, mundane, daily life, with some contact with a few people I just happen to care about. The world can be horrible (and it is), but as long as I don't know about it, that's okay.

This is worrying.

#2 : I'm forgetting what it means to care for people and how to be a good friend. Going back to B_tes reminded me that one of my strengths is listening. Listening is both a gift to myself, and to the person with whom I am in conversation. I learn a lot of cool stuff when I take the time to listen to people talk. If I don't make time to allow people to talk, I won't learn as much. And these days, I run away from people, I won't make time to listen, and really, I just don't care anymore.

This, too, is worrying.

How did I get to where I am?

funny story about zen gardens

Sand zen gardens are helpful for meditation and relaxation, and I've actually seen a couple of these miniature ones in offices. They're great to play with and look really cool on display.

This story isn't about a funny thing that happened to me while I was at B_tes, it's a funny story that I heard from Ron and Maggie when I was staying with them while I was at B_tes. Maggie is a professor in the Economics Dept, and she was one of the two profs who took a group of us to study in China for a semester (that's how I know her), and Ron is her husband who works in the computing dept at B_tes. They have a nice house very near the college campus and they have a beautiful backyard behind their house. But it takes a lot of work to keep this beautiful backyard looking nice: mowing, raking, picking up whatever that falls on the ground, etc.

Anyway, we were sitting in the living room, and someone starts a talking about the miniature sand Zen garden on their coffee table. Ron then tells this story about a conversation he had with Maggie about sand Zen gardens:

Ron says really wistfully, "You know, maybe we could turn our lawn into a giant Zen garden, so that we wouldn't have to weed or mow or rake leaves . . . " [see again beautiful picture at top of an elegant zen garden--I couldn't figure out how to insert it in the middle of the post]

And Maggie goes, "Are you CRAZY?!! We'd have every neighborhood cat in our backyard!!!"

It doesn't sound as funny here, but when Ron told the story, I cracked up and couldn't stop cackling for the life of me!! I was even giggling about it when I was driving back to Ithaca. It makes me laugh even now.

If you don't get it, you probably don't remember that cats LOVE sand, and that they especially LOVE to SHIT in sand. If they did turn their backyard into a sand zen garden, they could rake patterns in the sand around the little lumps of cat excrement. At least they wouldn't have to mow.

back from b_tes

Got back from Maine yesterday evening, and am tired out from traveling and TALKING, TALKING, TALKING the entire weekend!

Much news, and I'm really determined this time to write about what I've thought and felt for the past few days. I had a wonderful time.

So COLD

Temperatures dropped drastically over the last day or so. I broke out my hot water bottle today. Tomorrow should be better, but tonight . . . we're going back down into winter-like temps! Maybe summer will never truly be here this year.

random pictures

These are a few pictures of members of the Maxson family! I don't have a group picture of them, so here are random pictures of (from the top): Joel and Naomi; Nathan holding the Millers's cat; Kiny and Lloyd (the parents); and finally, Kirsty. The rest of the kids are Daniel, John, Joshua, Hannah, and Seth.

I'm going to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3 tonight with Kate and Jade! I also want to see Ocean's Thirteen when it comes out.

lessons I need to keep re-learning

I spent the week before I could move into my summer sublet staying at my friend Heather's home. I didn't know her husband, Chris, before that but we became friends after the week. We had a few good conversations, and we talked a lot about cars too because I was thinking of getting one.

Two things that struck me from our conversations:

1. A car is not an investment. Few people, if any, ever make money from owning a car. Buying a car is like digging a hole in the ground and then pouring your money into it.

2. People are more important than money. I have to remind myself of this one because I get so anxious about money.

I have to re-examine my relationship to money because even though I'm not the type of person who has to make tons and tons of money, I am the type of person who is certain that she will never make a ton of money during her lifetime. Consequently, I have to be frugal and careful with what I do have. This in and of itself is not bad, but at the same time, sometimes I can make life difficult for myself. I'm try not to make life difficult for others if I don't have money (which sometimes manifests itself as a fierce--and not always necessary--independence).

I don't know. I suppose I will always be negotiating this. I love my new (used) car, and I bought a more pricey one because I don't want to have to keep sending the car to the mechanic's. But at the same time, I think I will always feel a tinge of guilt for owning such a lovely car.

And I will continue to remind myself that blessings are meant to be shared, and I will give rides to others as often as I can. But the problem with giving rides usually isn't the financial cost, it's the time it takes to drive people here or there to run their errands!

But I'll deal with this when I need to. :)

judiciary crisis

Time's piece on the Lina Joy case:

In what has been dubbed a blow to Malaysia's religious freedom, the country's highest court on Wednesday denied an appeal by Christian convert Lina Joy to make her switch from Islam recognized by law. A multi-ethnic state composed largely of Muslim Malays, Christian and Buddhist Chinese, and Hindu and Sikh Indians, Malaysia has long prided itself on its diversity of faiths. To safeguard this religious heterogeneity, the country's constitution sets out a dual-track legal system in which Muslims are bound by Shari'a law for issues such as marriage, property and death, while members of other faiths follow civil law.

But the parallel system has occasionally faced snags. Joy is a Malay originally known as Azlina Jailani, and by Malaysian law her ethnicity automatically makes her a Muslim subject to Shari'a law. In order to make her 1990 conversion to Christianity legal, she needed permission from the Shari'a courts, which consider a renunciation of Islam a major offense. But, since she is still classified as a Muslim by the state, Joy was not allowed to have her case heard by the civil courts. Her six-year-long campaign to convince the civil system to legalize her conversion failed, prompting her appeal to the Federal Court, after the Court of Appeal rejected her claim in September 2005.

On Wednesday, the Court announced that it had no jurisdiction over the case since it was under the purview of Shari'a law, effectively punting on any attempt to clear up the gray space that exists between Malaysia's two legal systems. The ruling was greeted by shouts of "God is great!" from many in the assembled crowd outside the Palace of Justice in Kuala Lumpur. More secular observers were far less jubilant. "I see this case not just as a question of religious preference but one of a potential dismantling of Malaysia's ... multi-ethnic, multi-religious [character]," warned Malik Imtiaz Sarwar, a member of Joy's legal team, before the decision was announced.

The Joy verdict, which will likely become a precedent for several other pending conversion cases, is seen by many in Malaysia as evidence of how religious politics are cleaving the nation, with a creeping Islamization undermining the rights of both non-Muslims and more moderate adherents to Islam. Last November, at a party conference for the Muslim-dominated United Malays National Organization ruling party, one delegate vowed he would be willing to "bathe in blood" to defend his ethnicity — and, by extension, his religion. In several Malaysian states, forsaking Islam is a crime punishable by prison time.

Earlier this week, Malaysian Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi, who in December acknowledged that race relations in his homeland were "fragile," hosted the World Islamic Economic Forum in Kuala Lumpur. In an era where Islam is so often partnered with extremism and autocratic governance, Malaysia was held up at the annual conference as a model of a moderate Muslim nation committed to safeguarding the rights of its diverse population. But the Federal Court's verdict on Joy's case, which represented her last legal recourse, may undercut that reputation. After all, is it complete religious freedom if a 42-year-old woman isn't allowed to follow the faith of her choosing?

lots of news, but only one bit right now

I've been plenty busy since my last post, and plenty tired too . . . :) But I think I'm now settled for the summer, and ready to work again! ANXIOUS to work again because I have a deadline!!

Anyway, I'll write more soon about what I've been thinking about recently, hopefully, but this is my biggest (and most expensive!) news: I BOUGHT A CAR! I bought it yesterday.

It's a used car again, but this time I paid a LOT more for the car . . . $5,800 for a 2004 Hyundai Elantra. The engine and transmission are still under Hyundai's warranty for the next 7,000 miles! What I paid is about $2,000 less than what Kelly Blue Book lists for a car like this, but that's because it's been in a small accident and it will be difficult for me to re-sell it when I'm done with the car.

This was definitely an expensive purchase for me, but since I will be saving the $300 in rental car fees (I'm going to B_tes College for reunion next week), I figured that the car *really* only cost me $5,500 and I'm really praying that I won't have to make any major repairs while I own the car.

disappointment with nasal irrigation . . .

I have a cold. I'm really bummed out because I thought if I washed my sinuses daily it would help keep colds at bay. Well, I'm sick now and even though I think washing my sinuses helps me breathe better . . . I'm still sick! And even Zicam isn't doing that great a job of helping me breathe. I'm not coughing very much, certainly, but . . . I'm still sick!!!!!

Someone really needs to come up with a cure for the common cold. Or at least give me a new nose--one that doesn't catch colds this easily!!!!!!!!!!

I'm moving out of T-House on Monday, and will be staying at H's house for the next week because I can't move into my summer sublet until Monday. The slightly awkward thing about this is that H is leaving for Burma (to do research) on Tues, and I don't really know her husband and son (about 8?) very well. They're lovely and I'm VERY thankful that they're being so generous but I also feel odd being in their space when their mom (friend H) isn't going to be around. I'll probably take the bus to campus in the morning and return only at night.

This is why I cannot wait to settle down into my own apartment and leave behind this peripatetic lifestyle.

Six Weird Things About z

There are more than six weird things about me, but I guess that's the limit I'm allowed to post. :) Alwyn's weirdness-es aren't even that weird! But here goes:


1. My strange health fixations. I can't elaborate on them because there are too many, but anyone who's traveled in a car or plane with me know that I am anal about my back (I carry 3 pillows with me). Chiropractic care and nasal irrigation are probably the two weirdest things I do in terms of personal health practices.

2. My awful laugh. I think I sound like a cross between a banshee and a seal. I can't help it. The more you take me by surprise, the higher my pitch. My closest friends think it's cute, everyone else is just horrified.

3. I have no sense of direction. None at all. North, South, East, West . . . none of that orders my universe, and the very sight of a map nauseates me. Thank God for mapquest and landmarks. I don't mind getting lost because I've gotten lost so often that I know I will always find my way to my destination . . . eventually.

4. I hate writing. People always assume that I do what I do because I like to write--I don't. Writing is a useful practice, and it forces me to work through my thoughts, but I find writing to be very painful, difficult and draining.

5. I hate being at social events, and I especially hate being at social events where strangers outnumber me and my friends. A number of people have told me that they never thought of me as "shy"--which is strange to me--so maybe I come across as "confident" . . . or "arrogant"? Because of my posture (see Weirdness No. 1), I think I generally look poised even if I'm uncomfortable, awkward, or afraid. Basically, if I'm not hanging out with people I've known for a year or more, I'm uncomfortable, shy, and afraid. The older I get, the more suspicious I become of people too, and I find it much harder to develop friendships. Maybe I'm just too tired (people drain me), or maybe I'm disillusioned and cynical, or maybe I care less now . . . . I don't know. I still have to work on this.

6. I love watching TVB Cantonese serials. People usually give me a hard time about this because I'm supposed to be "so intellectual" but hey, we all need our vices, and TVB dramas help me relax. It's also helpful because it's clearly not a genre that I "work on," so I don't feel a need to analyze it. :)

I really could go on and on about my many idiosyncracies, but maybe I should go back to thinking about my dissertation chapter . . . !!!!

I guess I tag anyone who reads this, and who hasn't actually blogged about it yet!! Lai Zen? S__w Y_ng? Cat? Wesley? Thewallah?

Pictures from Deep Springs, CA

I guess it's only been a few days since we got back from D__p Springs College in California, but it already seems like weeks!! We got to Ithaca at about 2am this past Friday, I think. Before getting to the college (which is on a ranch), we drove through Death Valley National Park which was fun. More pictures on my facebook album.

While I was at D__p Springs, I got some exercise from walking around and mowing the lawn (communal labor is a part of their lifestyle) but it still wasn't that much exercise. Yesterday, MIT came up to play against our team for the intercollegiate league championship (we won), and today, I'm very sore especially my calves. I've never felt sore there before, so I suspect it has to do with the long car and plane rides we took to and from Deep Springs.

Need to get back to work, aaahhhhhh!!! One more week in T-house, then I move out and stay with some friends for a week before I can move into my summer sublet. I don't like having to be so transient for so long but well, at least I have a roof over my head!

tired and traveling again

I'm really tired out by all the T-house drama. In the past, we'd joked around the dinner table about turning T-house into a "Big Brother" show. Let's just say it really wouldn't be such a bad idea. Except that I think if people knew they were being watched, they'd ham it up even more. Their egos are already too big for the house as it is.

Leaving on Sat evening for our trip to D__p Springs, a two-year community college that's apparently pretty famous for being experimental. It's our brother dorm, also funded by the same organization that funds T-house. The college is located on a cattle ranch and alfalfa farm, and it's 4 hours from Las Vegas (where we'll be spending a night) and in a desert area (I LOVE DESERTS!!!!!)

The association's paying for 5 of us from T-house to go so hopefully it'll be fun and restful . . .
I may be able to milk cows if I want to. Wow. Last week, I was wishing that I hadn't signed up for the trip because I'm just so exhausted, but now I'm starting to get really excited about the trip!!!!!!!!

would you believe it?

Shit is hitting the fan at T-house, AGAIN. For all intents and purposes, I'm acting as house-president. This weekend is going to be a very long and hard one. Fingers crossed that we do the ethical thing, but that we will also conduct all processes in a way that minimizes any kind of mob-craziness. T-house is the kind of place that could combust if someone so much as sneezes (not really, but sometimes it feels that way, esp when I suddenly find myself in a position of authority).

What I really should do at the end of the semester is print a t-shirt with the words: "Everything I learned this year, I learned at T-house."

photos from puebla

I didn't have time/energy to be very touristy when I was at the American Comparative Literature Association (ACLA) annual meeting in Puebla, Mexico. Anyway, there are a few more photos, but not very many. I had a great time at my panels (very productive questions from the audience!!) and I had a lovely time just walking around town and EATING every 20 minutes or so.

I felt constantly full the few days I was there because I just had to try everything I saw. Great pastries, tamales, quesadillas, tacos, churros, and oh, the hot chocolate for dipping churros was so thick it resembled pudding! Not super-sweet like American hot chocolate but thick and chocolat-ey like you wouldn't believe!

Can't resist saying again that I was so very glad to have gone to the conference. The questions I got after I presented my paper were very helpful and I'm so much more interested in this chapter than I was before. Maybe I'm not crazy, and maybe I won't have to throw away what I've written so far, and maybe I don't need to start all over again!!!!!!! Maybe I'll even have fun writing this second chapter.

You don't know how relieved I am.

I also saw some old friends who had graduated and moved on to professorial positions at Yale, University of Pennsylvania, and Amherst College. A couple of them I hadn't seen for 4 years! Chi-Ming and Javier were in their last year of their PhD program when I was a first-year graduate student. It was lovely to see them again, they're all such amazing people. And so generous and wise with advice. :)

two pictures from maryland

Too lazy to upload more pictures! Anyway, here are my friends Dilkushi and Atsuko. Atsuko's finishing up her MA at Cornell, and Dilkushi has graduated with a PhD in Environmental Engineering and is in a post-doc in Maryland.

back from mexico

Got back at about 1am today, had a GREAT time in Mexico. The conference was very productive, and I got to meet up with people I hadn't seen in years. Very tired now, hope to write more at some point. I am so glad I went to the conference, but now I feel utterly discombobulated and need to find my work rhythm.

annual photo

This picture was taken in our cleaned-up living room. Usually there are books, blankets, and random crap strewn all over.

good thought

Thanks for the concern. :) I am feeling a bit better, and having folks commiserate is always helpful!

I was talking to someone last week about this, and he said something that stopped me short for awhile. He said, "Well, if you could be writing, you'd be doing it already."

If I could do something, I'd be doing it already? In other words, I'm not doing whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing (reading, writing, whatever) because I'm not ready to do that very thing.

This smacks suspiciously of grace to me, although my friend did not use that word. It reminds me most of Brother Lawrence's reminder that we can "only grow as fast as grace allows."

Whenever I struggle to do something, or when I'm procrastinating, my first impulse is to condemn myself for indiscipline and laziness. And hey, maybe it is laziness. I'm not absolutely convinced of the truth of my friend's comment.

But I'm willing to think it over.