Just as I was getting over jet-lag in KL, I left for here. Got in yesterday afternoon, no delays, good flight, thank God. went to bed at about 5pm, woke up a couple of times but managed to sleep until 4:19am. Need to stay awake today even though I already feel like going back to bed (10:39am).
Trying to clear out my inbox. Have to pick up my student's papers from my friend who subbed for me while I was gone. Need to teach on Thurs. Crap.
Will try to post when I can. Am very thankful for friendships, every little gesture helps.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
immune system
Have been popping vitamin C and Airborne (the cheaper generic version, actually) since the end of Nov, and have been successful at not getting a cold. But now that might be changing. I really hope not.
Was also dreading the return of the students to The House, but it actually hasn't been that bad. I was actually very glad to see a few people, and the rest have been nice and respectful of my time. I think it helped that I sent out an email to The House apologizing for my dis-engagement from The House because of current stresses and time commitments. I also pointed out that, unlike them, I haven't had the benefit of a Christmas break this year.
Was also dreading the return of the students to The House, but it actually hasn't been that bad. I was actually very glad to see a few people, and the rest have been nice and respectful of my time. I think it helped that I sent out an email to The House apologizing for my dis-engagement from The House because of current stresses and time commitments. I also pointed out that, unlike them, I haven't had the benefit of a Christmas break this year.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
unrelated to work
Last night (or early this morning, about 4:20am, to be precise), I had a horrible dream where I was stabbed again. I've had these dreams before, and they're all different. Once, I had a dream where my grandfather stabbed me in the chest repeatedly. This time, I was asleep in my bed in The House--in a way, I was dreaming about me dreaming--and I knew someone was walking up the corridor to my room and she was carrying a large knife and intended to stab me.
I knew she was coming, and I tried to wake up but I couldn't. She opened the door, walked up to my bed, drew her arm up, and brought her knife down into my side. It was another couple of seconds before I could actually open my eyes and move and reassure myself that it was only a dream, even though I knew I was dreaming. It was horrible.
On another note, I had steamed egg and steamed broccoli and steamed rice for lunch . . . too lazy to do major cooking and clean up.
I knew she was coming, and I tried to wake up but I couldn't. She opened the door, walked up to my bed, drew her arm up, and brought her knife down into my side. It was another couple of seconds before I could actually open my eyes and move and reassure myself that it was only a dream, even though I knew I was dreaming. It was horrible.
On another note, I had steamed egg and steamed broccoli and steamed rice for lunch . . . too lazy to do major cooking and clean up.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
sorry
Okay, I guess I over-reacted a little in my last post. But it really frustrates me when people treat me as if I'm a little child who only wants the candy now. I'm thinking of my work in the long-term. Taking a heavy-teaching job this year will affect my further progress in the field.
Anyway, I will be in S'pore from Jan 21-25, then on to M'sia before leaving on the morning of Jan 28 for S'pore and the US. Would love to meet up with folks whenever possible.
I'm going to be exhausted.
Anyway, I will be in S'pore from Jan 21-25, then on to M'sia before leaving on the morning of Jan 28 for S'pore and the US. Would love to meet up with folks whenever possible.
I'm going to be exhausted.
the very last word
I do not want a j_b. The next person who tells me I don't really know what I want is going to get a punch in the face. I'm serious. I really don't think it's that difficult to understand. Even if you think you know me better than I do, keep it to yourself.
If I take a j_b, it's because I have absolutely no other choice but to do so.
If I take a j_b, it's because I have absolutely no other choice but to do so.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Stubborn as a mule. Too bad.
I had a conversation today that was frustrating in some ways. I'm becoming increasingly resistant to the thought of getting a job at a small C college on the other side of the coast from where I am. It's supposed to be a really beautiful place, but also really really expensive. The biggest issue I have with the place is that it's a C college. I don't know why I'm so resistant but I really am, and I'm beginning to be really resentful when people who wouldn't want to teach there either try to convince me that it could be amazing and wonderful. I don't resent the person, I resent his or her actions. When I am stubborn like this, and when my decision does not affect your life, just let me be. You win nothing by badgering me.
People can think what they want, and they can think I'm "not teachable" but this is how I feel about it. This is my life, and I think I know my field better than those who are not in it, and I know what life might be like and what it might take to do the work I want to do at this point. If they teach at a C college or are even LOOKING and THINKING seriously about moving to a C institution, then I will listen. But if they are at a non-C institution and are NOT considering making the move to a C-institution but think it's so great that I have the opportunity even if my desires do not in any way lie in that direction . . . I just don't get it. I know exactly how I feel about this.
I'm going to the interview for three reasons:
1) It's good practice regardless of how things turn out.
2) It is a sign of respect to the institution that invited me.
3) It will help me develop professional relationships.
The fourth, most popular reason to go (which obviously I hope to God will not happen even though I acknowledge its possibility): "Oh, but it might be amazing and you would really love it!"
The thought of teaching at a C college now makes me incredibly nervous and uncomfortable. I started out thinking I'd give it a chance. After the Chicago interview, even though I really respected and liked the search committee, I didn't think that I wanted the job. The more I think about it, the more resistant I am.
I would only go out of a sense of guilt, i.e., I should go to a C college because that's what a good C would do.
People can think what they want, and they can think I'm "not teachable" but this is how I feel about it. This is my life, and I think I know my field better than those who are not in it, and I know what life might be like and what it might take to do the work I want to do at this point. If they teach at a C college or are even LOOKING and THINKING seriously about moving to a C institution, then I will listen. But if they are at a non-C institution and are NOT considering making the move to a C-institution but think it's so great that I have the opportunity even if my desires do not in any way lie in that direction . . . I just don't get it. I know exactly how I feel about this.
I'm going to the interview for three reasons:
1) It's good practice regardless of how things turn out.
2) It is a sign of respect to the institution that invited me.
3) It will help me develop professional relationships.
The fourth, most popular reason to go (which obviously I hope to God will not happen even though I acknowledge its possibility): "Oh, but it might be amazing and you would really love it!"
The thought of teaching at a C college now makes me incredibly nervous and uncomfortable. I started out thinking I'd give it a chance. After the Chicago interview, even though I really respected and liked the search committee, I didn't think that I wanted the job. The more I think about it, the more resistant I am.
I would only go out of a sense of guilt, i.e., I should go to a C college because that's what a good C would do.
Friday, January 11, 2008
patience
I have to ask my friends to be patient with me as I try to work through my anxieties. I'm not very successful, but I am doing my best. :)
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
note re getting jobs
In my field, if you go into a job when your dissertation isn't very well thought-out or written, especially if it's a job that requires you to do a lot of teaching, that can be detrimental for your progress toward turning your dissertation into a publication. Without a book, you probably won't hang on to your job.
That's all I'm going to say for now. I'm trying to control access to this blog, but that's not always possible, so it's best to err on the side of caution.
That's all I'm going to say for now. I'm trying to control access to this blog, but that's not always possible, so it's best to err on the side of caution.
explanations
I suppose I should explain the memory I wrote about two posts ago. Occasionally I meet with a Christian counselor--actually, I've met with her three times--to do what she calls "prayer counseling." I think there are different names for it, but I don't remember the more sophisticated term.
Basically, when we meet to talk, and usually this is when my emotions are more disturbed, she will ask me if any memories are coming up. I tell her the memory or memories that surface, and sometimes one memory will lead to another. Then she asks me what I'm feeling in these memories--this isn't always easy as I often have to pause and figure out what exactly I'm feeling. Once we have that, we go into a time of prayer where she asks Jesus to reveal His truth to me, and then we stay silent for a little while. The answers don't always come immediately.
But the answer is often peace.
In this particular memory, I say myself walking along that long and busy road, afraid and yet guilty of being afraid because I had to be strong, I had to take care of myself. If I were to walk that distance again today as an adult, it would take me about 15-20 minutes to get as far as I did all those years ago. I wonder how long it took the 4-year old me to walk that far.
My answer to this memory was a picture of Christ (sorry, I saw only His back, don't know what He looks like) walking by my side and holding my hand. I'm sure I didn't feel it, but He looked like He was on an adventure, and He was trying to convince me that "This is fun! This is going to be so great! You'll see!" And as with every adventure, there is always a hint of fear. But there is also knowledge that everything's going to be just fine.
Finally, I felt His great love for my parents. They made a mistake that resulted in a four year old being left alone on a busy street, but it was a mistake and it did not mean that they loved me less. Christ was walking with me and holding my hand at every step of the way. That was and is my answer.
Basically, when we meet to talk, and usually this is when my emotions are more disturbed, she will ask me if any memories are coming up. I tell her the memory or memories that surface, and sometimes one memory will lead to another. Then she asks me what I'm feeling in these memories--this isn't always easy as I often have to pause and figure out what exactly I'm feeling. Once we have that, we go into a time of prayer where she asks Jesus to reveal His truth to me, and then we stay silent for a little while. The answers don't always come immediately.
But the answer is often peace.
In this particular memory, I say myself walking along that long and busy road, afraid and yet guilty of being afraid because I had to be strong, I had to take care of myself. If I were to walk that distance again today as an adult, it would take me about 15-20 minutes to get as far as I did all those years ago. I wonder how long it took the 4-year old me to walk that far.
My answer to this memory was a picture of Christ (sorry, I saw only His back, don't know what He looks like) walking by my side and holding my hand. I'm sure I didn't feel it, but He looked like He was on an adventure, and He was trying to convince me that "This is fun! This is going to be so great! You'll see!" And as with every adventure, there is always a hint of fear. But there is also knowledge that everything's going to be just fine.
Finally, I felt His great love for my parents. They made a mistake that resulted in a four year old being left alone on a busy street, but it was a mistake and it did not mean that they loved me less. Christ was walking with me and holding my hand at every step of the way. That was and is my answer.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Reprieve
Trying to arrange my trip to S'pore (work, not fun), and friend M really helped by telling me I can delay my trip so that I can get my pre-trip work done.
I'm not even going to go through why I've been stressed out the past three days because I think it would make me even more stressed out. The people I've told my stories shake their heads at me when they realize just how difficult this has been. And really, it doesn't need to be this difficult. Really. I just happen to always have horrible, slow experiences with consulates, embassies, and airlines.
I also checked in over the phone with Prof N five minutes ago, and she thinks the delay is a great idea, and even told me to take a couple of days off before starting on the work I need to do. Wow. I've been told to take a couple of days off? Wow.
I'm not even going to go through why I've been stressed out the past three days because I think it would make me even more stressed out. The people I've told my stories shake their heads at me when they realize just how difficult this has been. And really, it doesn't need to be this difficult. Really. I just happen to always have horrible, slow experiences with consulates, embassies, and airlines.
I also checked in over the phone with Prof N five minutes ago, and she thinks the delay is a great idea, and even told me to take a couple of days off before starting on the work I need to do. Wow. I've been told to take a couple of days off? Wow.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
working through memories
I have a very vivid memory from when I was about four years old. I was in kindergarten, and our uniform was white and turquoise--a little sailor suit, if you can imagine it. The kindergarten was at a crossroads of a major intersection, close to the main streets leading out to the center of town.
It was a public holiday, and a few days earlier, I had given either my mom or my dad a notice from the kindergarten saying that there were no classes for the day. I guess there was a miscommunication because that morning, my aunt dropped me off at the kindergarten anyway. I walked into the kindergarten, and the guard was in his sarong--shirtless, I think--and he told me (and my aunt too?) that there was no school that day. I don't remember much after that; I remember seeing cars zooming by on my left, and a very large tree on my right.
My mom tells me that she remembers driving down that road on her way to work--I think she and my dad figured out that I wasn't supposed to be at kindergarten--and seeing me walk on the side of the road, trying to find my way home.
I feel like that four year old right now.
It was a public holiday, and a few days earlier, I had given either my mom or my dad a notice from the kindergarten saying that there were no classes for the day. I guess there was a miscommunication because that morning, my aunt dropped me off at the kindergarten anyway. I walked into the kindergarten, and the guard was in his sarong--shirtless, I think--and he told me (and my aunt too?) that there was no school that day. I don't remember much after that; I remember seeing cars zooming by on my left, and a very large tree on my right.
My mom tells me that she remembers driving down that road on her way to work--I think she and my dad figured out that I wasn't supposed to be at kindergarten--and seeing me walk on the side of the road, trying to find my way home.
I feel like that four year old right now.
Visit
Well, I'm through to the second-rounds at a univ. near home. I need to fly in about a week or so. Which means I need to write a lecture in about a week or so.
Did I mention that I'm already tired out? And that I don't think this would be a good year for me to finish?
Did I mention that I'm already tired out? And that I don't think this would be a good year for me to finish?
Thursday, January 03, 2008
new year seems old to me
I fell asleep unexpectedly today. Twice. Took a 2 hr nap this morning. then slept for 4 hrs in the afternoon. Yeap, I slept through most of the day. I hope it's because my body needed it and not because I was lazy.
My upper back is all locked up and my chiropractor couldn't really do much to release it. Pilates instructor is down with the flu so we may not be able to start up again this week. I miss it. I bought her DVD's but I am not disciplined enough to push myself and I take breaks every time I feel tired.
Spent Dec 31 with the int'l CF here, then went home to call my old Ch_c_r prof (Prof A) and she told me I'm a slow worker. After today, I'm convinced she's right.
My upper back is all locked up and my chiropractor couldn't really do much to release it. Pilates instructor is down with the flu so we may not be able to start up again this week. I miss it. I bought her DVD's but I am not disciplined enough to push myself and I take breaks every time I feel tired.
Spent Dec 31 with the int'l CF here, then went home to call my old Ch_c_r prof (Prof A) and she told me I'm a slow worker. After today, I'm convinced she's right.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
back from C-go!
Really tired out because there were multiple long plane delays both going to and coming from C___go. Got back in this morning at 5:30am, and found that I had lost my house keys. Climbed in through a window.
Will post later with more stories. Lots of work still, and I need to move half of my stuff to my other apartment. I will continue to live in The House, but I've rented a 1-bedroom basement apt that I can return to sleep and take time away from The House because this new semester I will be sharing a room again. My roommate has a boyfriend (who has lived in the house and just graduated) so they'll be happy that I will be out at night.
People wonder why I don't just leave The House completely, and I wonder the same thing myself. I might move out completely in March, but until the snow is gone, it's nice to have a place close to campus.
Will post later with more stories. Lots of work still, and I need to move half of my stuff to my other apartment. I will continue to live in The House, but I've rented a 1-bedroom basement apt that I can return to sleep and take time away from The House because this new semester I will be sharing a room again. My roommate has a boyfriend (who has lived in the house and just graduated) so they'll be happy that I will be out at night.
People wonder why I don't just leave The House completely, and I wonder the same thing myself. I might move out completely in March, but until the snow is gone, it's nice to have a place close to campus.
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