Got an email late last night saying that they've mailed out a letter requesting more "evidence" for my visa application. I won't know what they need until I get the letter. Trying not to worry but it's been really tough.
Won't be able to get health insurance through UCLA until the visa comes so it looks like I'll have to pay for private health insurance until I get the visa (or get rejected). Need to figure out how to find affordable health insurance.
Need to treat this as a "call to prayer." Every time I start worrying, it's time to pray!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Sigh. Never-ending.
Friend M looked at a nice small studio for me in S_nt_ Monica but she says for the price I'd be paying, I should keep looking around. The landlord to one other studio in roughly the same neighborhood sounded like a very not-nice-guy so I told Friend M she shouldn't even bother to look. We're still waiting to hear back from another landlord for a studio in W_stw__d which would be much closer to my new office/school. Most studios are going for about $1200 a month!
Also still waiting to hear back from Friend C about the apts she's looking at for me this weekend. She's looking at places in W_st L_ for me.
No word on the new visa, although when I was on the phone with peeps at U_LA, they thought I'd probably get it in time. I think they were trying to make me feel better after they stressed me out by telling me that I really need the visa or I won't be paid.
Work goes at a snail's pace. Fighting despair, fatigue, and anger all in turn.
Had a nice dinner at Sticky Rice with a couple of M'sian friends. Probably won't see them for awhile now as one of them works for X_rox in R_chester and the other will be starting a consulting position at M_cKenz__'s in P_ttsburg.
Then had a nice long walk and talk with Friend J_n after dinner.
It was really good to be with friends who aren't demanding and who don't stress me out.
Also still waiting to hear back from Friend C about the apts she's looking at for me this weekend. She's looking at places in W_st L_ for me.
No word on the new visa, although when I was on the phone with peeps at U_LA, they thought I'd probably get it in time. I think they were trying to make me feel better after they stressed me out by telling me that I really need the visa or I won't be paid.
Work goes at a snail's pace. Fighting despair, fatigue, and anger all in turn.
Had a nice dinner at Sticky Rice with a couple of M'sian friends. Probably won't see them for awhile now as one of them works for X_rox in R_chester and the other will be starting a consulting position at M_cKenz__'s in P_ttsburg.
Then had a nice long walk and talk with Friend J_n after dinner.
It was really good to be with friends who aren't demanding and who don't stress me out.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
one more thing . . .
Well, I just found out from UCLA that I won't be able to sign up for health insurance through them until I get my J1 visa which is supposed to arrive THIS MONTH. My Cornell health insurance coverage ends Aug 16 (the day my mom, sis, and I start driving to Chicago) so I really need my J1 visa to come before then!!!
Not having health insurance in the US is a scary thing. But Sue, the department secretary, thought that I might be covered through car insurance if I get into an accident but I have to check. That's probably true, though. Still, I could get into trouble (knock on wood!) while I'm not in the car.
Okay, I don't have time or energy to worry so I really should just think about something else now.
Not having health insurance in the US is a scary thing. But Sue, the department secretary, thought that I might be covered through car insurance if I get into an accident but I have to check. That's probably true, though. Still, I could get into trouble (knock on wood!) while I'm not in the car.
Okay, I don't have time or energy to worry so I really should just think about something else now.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Slogging Through Mud
I've never been more convinced that growth is slow and painful, and that more often than not, it is marked by regressions and mis-steps. I hope to write again more fully but thought I'd just say for now that my emotional life continues to be turbulent and Friend K had to talk me through how life really is about being in relationship with others even as I have to struggle to get everything done.
"Forgiveness" has been on my mind in many areas of my life, including the personal, the political, and the intellectual. On a personal level, it's been really important for me to learn and remember that forgiveness recognizes the wrong that has been done but then decides to restore the relationship anyway. (Of course, this doesn't apply to abusive or manipulative relationships or instances when there is very real danger.)
I need to learn to discern what kinds of dangers really exist and just how guarded I really have to be. I have been too guarded in the past and while that has probably protected me from being hurt, being too aloof has probably limited my own horizon and the kinds of experiences I would have had otherwise. Pausing and counting the cost in each relationship a little more carefully makes sense because in doing so, I may find that there are greater benefits to being more vulnerable and giving.
Wow, I thought this post would be a little shorter. :) Anyway, I have other thoughts that were sparked by today's sermon at church.
ps - on a more practical note, I still need to find an apartment!!
"Forgiveness" has been on my mind in many areas of my life, including the personal, the political, and the intellectual. On a personal level, it's been really important for me to learn and remember that forgiveness recognizes the wrong that has been done but then decides to restore the relationship anyway. (Of course, this doesn't apply to abusive or manipulative relationships or instances when there is very real danger.)
I need to learn to discern what kinds of dangers really exist and just how guarded I really have to be. I have been too guarded in the past and while that has probably protected me from being hurt, being too aloof has probably limited my own horizon and the kinds of experiences I would have had otherwise. Pausing and counting the cost in each relationship a little more carefully makes sense because in doing so, I may find that there are greater benefits to being more vulnerable and giving.
Wow, I thought this post would be a little shorter. :) Anyway, I have other thoughts that were sparked by today's sermon at church.
ps - on a more practical note, I still need to find an apartment!!
Friday, July 18, 2008
wonderful lessons
The first 40 hours or so after the defense were really emotionally difficult for me. I spent last night grieving and mourning for a few hours in my room. I had a short email exchange with MS that night and she was worried about me. MS is a senior prof in Nutrition (one of the best programs in the whole country), and she is also one of the two women who leads the Christian women faculty/staff/grad reading group that I've been a part of the past 5 years or so.
MS sent me a fairly long email this morning about her own experiences in graduate school and offered valuable words of wisdom and below is my response to her email. I don't think she would mind, and I find no shame in a confession such as this one. I declare after David, "O, Happy Sin!"
(Those of you who might be interested to read about the reasons for such an invocation of joy, read Eugene Peterson's "Leaping Over Walls." It's in either that or "Running with Horses." Both are fantastic.)
-----
Dear M,
Thank you for your long and thoughtful email and thank you for sharing your experiences. It must have been horrifying at the time but your life is evidence that God can still work and use that experience for good. You're right, a lot of my emotions yesterday was a result of my letting go of my walls and barriers.
I had thought that if I can just keep going, if I can just keep my fatigue and frustrations and disappointments inside, I will be able to do everything my adviser wants me to do within the next couple of weeks.
I can't remember the exact moment, but God clearly called me to Himself and even though He didn't put it in so many words, He wanted me to let go and rest. No more walls to help me survive.
If it is true that all who are weary and heavy-laden go to Him for rest, then we must go without condition. I had to let go of everything, including my desire--which stems from pride--of wanting to do everything my mentors wanted me to do AND do them all ahead of time.
I also had to allow God to determine how much intellectual progress I will make. During the oral exam, my adviser said that my progress had taken "quantum leaps" this year. When I think back on how busy I was (preparing for the job market, traveling for interviews on the job market, teaching, and writing most of my dissertation) I think it really is a miracle that I've made any kind of intellectual progress at all. But I also know that I have far to go, M, I have so much more to learn!
That is part of what I had to give up last night when I grieved for everything else. If I never had another idea in my life (yes, I know you want to thwack me on the head), then so be it. God is sovereign and as you say, He has plans for my career. I still struggle with this but I need to give up my desire for control over my intellectual progress, even as I recognize that some of my desires for my career are good (intellectual rigor and integrity, for example).
Anyway, I should go back to my reading. I'd like to read for another 20 minutes or so.:) Thank you so much for offering to be available over the phone. I will keep that in mind! I'm not fond of talking over the phone and rarely do so, but in the odd, desperate occasion, I might pick it up and call you. I'm really grateful for your generosity, M.
Oh yes, I had a long talk with my adviser this afternoon and it was immensely helpful and meaningful. God certainly does work in mysterious ways. That blessing came *after* I released everything to Him, not before.
love,
z
MS sent me a fairly long email this morning about her own experiences in graduate school and offered valuable words of wisdom and below is my response to her email. I don't think she would mind, and I find no shame in a confession such as this one. I declare after David, "O, Happy Sin!"
(Those of you who might be interested to read about the reasons for such an invocation of joy, read Eugene Peterson's "Leaping Over Walls." It's in either that or "Running with Horses." Both are fantastic.)
-----
Dear M,
Thank you for your long and thoughtful email and thank you for sharing your experiences. It must have been horrifying at the time but your life is evidence that God can still work and use that experience for good. You're right, a lot of my emotions yesterday was a result of my letting go of my walls and barriers.
I had thought that if I can just keep going, if I can just keep my fatigue and frustrations and disappointments inside, I will be able to do everything my adviser wants me to do within the next couple of weeks.
I can't remember the exact moment, but God clearly called me to Himself and even though He didn't put it in so many words, He wanted me to let go and rest. No more walls to help me survive.
If it is true that all who are weary and heavy-laden go to Him for rest, then we must go without condition. I had to let go of everything, including my desire--which stems from pride--of wanting to do everything my mentors wanted me to do AND do them all ahead of time.
I also had to allow God to determine how much intellectual progress I will make. During the oral exam, my adviser said that my progress had taken "quantum leaps" this year. When I think back on how busy I was (preparing for the job market, traveling for interviews on the job market, teaching, and writing most of my dissertation) I think it really is a miracle that I've made any kind of intellectual progress at all. But I also know that I have far to go, M, I have so much more to learn!
That is part of what I had to give up last night when I grieved for everything else. If I never had another idea in my life (yes, I know you want to thwack me on the head), then so be it. God is sovereign and as you say, He has plans for my career. I still struggle with this but I need to give up my desire for control over my intellectual progress, even as I recognize that some of my desires for my career are good (intellectual rigor and integrity, for example).
Anyway, I should go back to my reading. I'd like to read for another 20 minutes or so.:) Thank you so much for offering to be available over the phone. I will keep that in mind! I'm not fond of talking over the phone and rarely do so, but in the odd, desperate occasion, I might pick it up and call you. I'm really grateful for your generosity, M.
Oh yes, I had a long talk with my adviser this afternoon and it was immensely helpful and meaningful. God certainly does work in mysterious ways. That blessing came *after* I released everything to Him, not before.
love,
z
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
anticlimax
Passed the oral defense. Many revisions to do. Don't think I can finish them before I leave town. Advisor trying to find out from UCLA if I can file the final version in Sept. I am so exhausted I can't even think.
The revisions are conceptual. Very difficult. After reading through some of my chair's specific comments on the pages of my dissertation, I recognize that she is letting me go without making some of the other changes she would like me to make. The committee "just" wants me to make the larger conceptual changes that will bring the entire dissertation into clearer focus, that's all.
Thanks to friends J and K for being with me last night. The experience was quite overwhelming.
The revisions are conceptual. Very difficult. After reading through some of my chair's specific comments on the pages of my dissertation, I recognize that she is letting me go without making some of the other changes she would like me to make. The committee "just" wants me to make the larger conceptual changes that will bring the entire dissertation into clearer focus, that's all.
Thanks to friends J and K for being with me last night. The experience was quite overwhelming.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
much thanksgiving
I am so thankful for my friends naomiobi and dd88. I'm thankful because they helped me through a difficult incident this weekend. Their grace, patience, wisdom, and acceptance last night and today have been real gifts from God. I am learning how trust, obedience and faithfulness on my part is made possible only through prayer and community. When I am unable to do what is good, my friends help me, not by condemning me but by prayer, words of comfort, and gentle exhortations.
my head hurts
Preparing for my oral defense on Monday afternoon. So far, I have prepared about 10% of what my chair expects from me on the day of the exam. I have one more day to prepare.
The cherry-picking trip this morning went well but now I am suffering. Sigh.
Aug 11 is the day I go down to NYC to pick up my mom at the airport. The morning of that day is the last possible period during which I can turn in the final version of my dissertation because I won't get back to Ithaca until Aug 15 in the evening (my sis flies into NYC at 12pm) after the offices have closed. We start driving to Chicago on Aug 16, as early as we can wake up.
The next three weeks will be hellish again until I can physically remove myself from Ithaca.
The cherry-picking trip this morning went well but now I am suffering. Sigh.
Aug 11 is the day I go down to NYC to pick up my mom at the airport. The morning of that day is the last possible period during which I can turn in the final version of my dissertation because I won't get back to Ithaca until Aug 15 in the evening (my sis flies into NYC at 12pm) after the offices have closed. We start driving to Chicago on Aug 16, as early as we can wake up.
The next three weeks will be hellish again until I can physically remove myself from Ithaca.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
celebration . . .
The first thing I did after dropping off copies of my diss in my profs' mailboxes was to go to the library and pick up some books. But they're not books related to my work! They're novels completely unrelated to my professional interests. After that, I went to my pilates class.
Yeap, that's how I'm celebrating. :) I really would like to go to Maine for a visit but the thought of driving for 8 hours each way makes my back hurt. Especially since I will have to go down to New York City in August to pick my mom and sis up. And the day after we get back to Ithaca (5 hrs away from the city) we embark on our 10-day, 4000-mile road trip across the country!
I will go white-water rafting next weekend, after my defense this coming Monday afternoon and that's a three hour drive away (in Pennsylvania). Lots of money spent on gas this summer!!!
Oops, I'm supposed to organize a cherry-picking expedition for this Sat!!! Should do that now before I forget.
Yeap, that's how I'm celebrating. :) I really would like to go to Maine for a visit but the thought of driving for 8 hours each way makes my back hurt. Especially since I will have to go down to New York City in August to pick my mom and sis up. And the day after we get back to Ithaca (5 hrs away from the city) we embark on our 10-day, 4000-mile road trip across the country!
I will go white-water rafting next weekend, after my defense this coming Monday afternoon and that's a three hour drive away (in Pennsylvania). Lots of money spent on gas this summer!!!
Oops, I'm supposed to organize a cherry-picking expedition for this Sat!!! Should do that now before I forget.
Monday, July 07, 2008
unbelievable!!
I've just printed out a copy of my dissertation!!!!!!!! I'll go to the office tomorrow morning to make copies for everyone. Wow. I'm done (for the time being).
Nothing's perfect, just gotta learn to let go. :) I'm feeling pretty happy right now!!
Nothing's perfect, just gotta learn to let go. :) I'm feeling pretty happy right now!!
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