New life

 I was thinking of chucking this plant because it's been months since it last flowered, but I just noticed that it has two new buds. It's likely that I will have new flowers this spring.

Thankfully, I have a seat in the shade. Enjoying the great weather before a cold spell blows in.

 I'm not sure what that bird Is called. It looks like a heron but it's too small to be a heron. Update: it's a plover.

Oh, and God sent 3 people to encourage me today. 

Thankful for friends

 

Little surprises

 Last year, I had a male student from engineering who was caustic and dismissive in all semester. I thought he hated my class and couldn't wait to be rid of me. Toward the end of the semester, we went on zoom because of the protests. He asked for an appointment but requested that we used the chat function only without cameras because he felt intimidated. Over chat, however, he opened up.

He asked for a reading list, and I don't remember why, but I told him to reach out again in a few months. I forgot about him, but this morning he emailed again asking him for the reading list. 

I sent him a few titles that I thought he might like. Surprises like these show me how little I know sometimes.

New Year's Resolutions

 Last night, Gratia Dei had it's Christmas party (over zoom!). And since we're on break for the next couple of weeks, we shared our word for 2021.

I don't think I have resolutions for 2021, and I'm not sure I want to make anymore! What matters is what God does for us.

But when the leaders ask us to think about one word for 2021, the word "hope" came to my heart.

I searched this blog for past NYE resolutions, and the word "trust" came up repeatedly over multiple years. 

I'm not sure I am an expert at trusting God now, but I have learned to praise God even through the tears.

I still have more time between now and Jan 1, but for now, hope it is.

 

 My friend told me not to do something, but I did it. Now I regret doing what I did and confessed to her that I did what she told me not to do....

Fruits of my labor

 Not everything turned out as expected which kind of makes me want to practice more.

Fear of pain

 This has been a season in the wilderness. I actually think it began a year and a half ago, ironically, when I felt like I had finally left Egypt. I remember the place and occasion when I had that thought, "Ah, I have left slavery and I'm standing outside the Promised Land."

And then I entered into a year and a half of testing like I've never experienced before. Like the Israelites, I hadn't realized that the miracle of the Red Sea would be followed by 40 years of wandering. (I do pray that this season won't last 40 literal years.)

But in this time, it is true that He has led me to oases for times of refreshment and rest. A year after thinking I had left Egypt, one person gave me the word, "Step out" and another, "What you have asked for has been granted." 

I am waiting for both these words to be fulfilled, but I do believe that in the spiritual realm, they have already been set into motion.

God is also very strategic. As I wrote testimony #11, He used it to unravel more. Pulling on one small knot can lead to the unravelling of other knots.

The next stage may not be easier, who knows? (God does, of course. That was a rhetorical question.) But in all things, God will lead me as a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night, and His presence will never depart from me. He will provide manna and quail.

And as I keep healing for past wounds, pain might become less fearsome. Like athletes who submits our bodies to training--micro-tears!--I will get stronger. I am already stronger. God will keep me from harm. 

(But still, I can't wait to get out of the wilderness.)

1 Chronicles 4:10

Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request.

 

 

Fasting

 This past week, I fasted from watching TV and it was the hardest fast I have ever been on. I knew that I watch TV because I feel lonely. I do read, listen to sermons and pray but more recently after Molly left, I started watching even more.

So, I went on the fast. 

I felt like I didn't hear much throughout the week. But I did receive this encouragement:

Yesterday was officially the last day of my fast, and I had the sweetest dream of my life. In my dream, the things on my heart came true. 

Before I started on my journey of healing, I struggled with insomnia and nightmares. Soon after the start of my journey, the insomnia stopped and the nightmares disappeared. (They come back occasionally for specific reasons.)

But I did think it was strange that I didn't have good dreams. I had nightmares associated with spiritual battle but no prophecies or visions which I have found disappointing.

When I woke up in the middle of the night, I did hope that God will give me the desires of my heart. In the morning, doubt set in and I thought, well, maybe God just wanted to tell me, "I know," but that's it.

This evening, I looked at the notes I typed up when I was half asleep, and the last line was, "But God's presence is sweeter than all of this." I remembered experiencing this in my dream. That it was true. Even if all my wildest dreams came true, the true experience of walking with the Father is still better.

So I put all my desires back on the altar.

 

Coronavirus stories

 A friend went to a bar with her friend and they both came down with the virus. After her viral index came down, she was moved from the hospital to the expo center where patients complete their recovery.

The patients are in cubicles but they are free to walk around, so I asked her if she has met any familiar faces. She said yes, the people from the bar they went to.