the next few weeks will be chaos

Been tired recently, mostly because I was grading all of last week. Just thinking about grading makes my head hurt. This week, I'm trying to do as much as possible to meet some deadlines and have fun too. Yes, I'm greedy. An old friend from Ithaca visited for a night because she was in town to renew her visa for Taiwan and we had fun. Having visitors does mean work, i.e. cleaning the apt a bit but I do enjoy having visitors.

Will watch Pirates 4 this Thursday (oh, Johnny Depp) and will be playing badminton three nights this week. I really hope I get my work done to meet my deadline next week!!!

:)

Well, the week started off with a contentious meeting at the faculty level. It was draining but it wasn't so bad, mostly because friends have been holding me in the light recently. Also, I think I'm getting a little better at thinking about work as being part of "kingdom work." This is part of current Christian lingo that means recognizing how when we work, we join in work that God is already doing. I like this way of thinking of work because we are not responsible for doing God's work for him.....we merely jump in every time we recognize that it is part of his work. What we do does not begin from us and our puny little selves but is a part of centuries' worth of slow, sacred work.

Kingdom work also refers to all types of work and not just our traditional understanding of what "missionaries" do. So for example, when I am able to teach my students how to read with complexity and craft complex arguments with clarity, that is a part of kingdom work too because such skills are important to being like Christ. Reading texts is an important skill to have not only when we come to the word of God, it teaches us to be listeners when we are in conversations as well. That allows us to be in relationship with others in gentleness, humility, and kindness. (Sometimes, not all the time!)

When I lose perspective (see post below) and forget that God is at work, then I become angry, pessimistic, and depressed. This week, I decided to practice looking for the many ways in which God is already at work. It's been two days and I think it's a helpful way of orienting one's self to the world. Yesterday's hostilities at work would have affected me much more deeply; I am able to be thankful for everything that did happen even if decisions did not work out the way we would have liked them to. We'll see what else comes up this week!!

The next twelve months will be psychologically stressful for me because I will have to apply for a more permanent position here. I will need to remind myself constantly and frequently that all that we do is kingdom work!!! Every time I think I've started to get a hang of something, I get a great big test and find out just how much I have to rely on grace.

certainty

Today, I heard news that someone I respect, a young scholar, had been denied tenure at his institution despite his publications, teaching track record, and service work (sitting on committees within his institution). This was shocking as the person is super-smart, articulate, and has the required publications. He emailed back to say that his department has been 100% supportive (difficult to come by and amazing that it did), the awful decision came from the deans (unusual for the institution) and that he will land on his feet. He didn't provide more details but I hope this means that things will work out somehow.

Again, I've been reminded at how unfair the world can be, and how people who deserve rewards will not always get them, and vice-versa. I'm also struck by how deluded some people are, and how they believe that they are so much smarter than everyone else. Such confidence is strange, and sometimes I wonder if I'm stupid because I don't see their brilliance. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that God is at work, redeeming a broken world in the here and now.

Days like these, I wonder again if I am in the right vocation.

Sigh. The air is so bad that it's been two days since I've been able to see the IFC tower from my window. Part of it is due to fog, I think, but a large part of it is due to air pollution. 

fantasies

When I was a teenager, I thought that I would have everything figured out by my twenties. When I was in my twenties, I thought, no, I don't have everything figured out but I will when I hit my thirties. I am now in my early thirties, and the world has never seemed more complicated, frightening, and tiresome.

My colleague got married yesterday, and I was the only one from the dept who was invited to attend the small ceremony and party. I was glad I could be there to offer my best wishes to the couple but I admit, I was also not going to tell anyone else from my dept that I was going to be there!

In light of the many awful things that go on in our world, this counts for very little. But it is also striking that even a simple gesture of offering one's blessings is so fraught in our very broken world.

(Was it an awkward kind of wedding anyway? Yes, but that is another story.)