transit

I hate the actual experience o f being on the road. Planes and airports usually bring back al the repressed memories of first leaving home. But once I am out of the airport, I start to feel better. It is still strange to be back in this place as a guest and visitor because it is now familiar and unfamiliar.

Paper two still needs a lot of work....hope I can get the work done! Looking forward to the wedding tomorrow.

lessons on anxiety

As my previous posts have indicated, I'm going through another season of uncertainty and anxiety. During this time, I've been emailing a small group of friends who pray for me as I go through this season. This group of friends are people I've known for awhile, and they also include my church home group leaders here in HK who haven't known me for as long. As the months have passed, some of my friends have written back to point out that I have survived all my other seasons of uncertainty and anxiety. They did so with humor and gentleness so I didn't feel condemned, and that was very helpful. Some weeks have been tougher than others, and during those times, the only prayer I can pray is, "Lord, please stop these feelings, please help me." Thankfully, I currently have a reprieve from feeling overwhelmed by waves of anxiety. Truly, peace, like faith, is a gift.

During this time, I think I've also learned a few lessons on how to deal with anxiety and worry. First, during the seasons of your life when you don't have much to worry about, read and learn about, and start practicing spiritual disciplines! When your workload is heavy and your mind can't seem to focus on everything but your worries, your heart and mind won't be motivated to develop these spiritual habits. But if you work on them when the walk is slow and pleasant, then it will be easier to recall these exercises and put them to practice. When you are filled with anxiety, it will take all your strength and discipline to do them.

Second, try not to think of the future. This is a tough one. My friends also point out that I'm a pessimist and that I expect the worst to happen. This is wrong because God promises us hope for the future. But, it doesn't make sense to me to expect that what I desire will come through! I can't help being a realistic person, and the picture does look grim. I can't lie to myself and think, yes, I'm going to get this! I haven't completely worked out the biblical basis for my position yet, but my goal is to be happy with whatever God gives me because He is a good God who does not play around with our lives.

The only way I can deal with the anxiety around my future is neither to be a pessimist, which ignores God's sovereignty and love, nor an optimist, which ignores the realities of the world, but to be someone who sees, tastes, and enjoys God's presence and his gift in the present. In this position, I keep my eyes both on God's sovereignty and love, but also on the realities of this world. The worst possible outcome might indeed materialize, but it does not help to dwell on it. If I focus on God's presence in my life now, and if I keep doing so as we go along, what materializes at the end of this ordeal will not matter. Should the worst happen, will I still praise God and call him good? I don't know, but I certainly hope so.

When I get ready for work in the morning, I usually play one of Earl Palmer's sermons as I brush my teeth. This morning's sermon on freedom in Christ was particularly good because I enjoyed his parable of the kite!

Isaiah 41:8-13

The Message (MSG)

 ^8-10"But you, Israel, are my servant.
   You're Jacob, my first choice,
   descendants of my good friend Abraham.
I pulled you in from all over the world,
   called you in from every dark corner of the earth,
Telling you, 'You're my servant, serving on my side.
   I've picked you. I haven't dropped you.'
Don't panic. I'm with you.
   There's no need to fear for I'm your God.
I'll give you strength. I'll help you.
   I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.
^11-13"Count on it: Everyone who had it in for you
   will end up out in the cold—
   real losers.
Those who worked against you
   will end up empty-handed—
   nothing to show for their lives.
When you go out looking for your old adversaries
   you won't find them—
Not a trace of your old enemies,
   not even a memory.
That's right. Because I, your God,
   have a firm grip on you and I'm not letting go.
I'm telling you, 'Don't panic.
   I'm right here to help you.'

disgusting

A contact posted an article about how US soldiers raped Iraqi women, and it included fairly graphic pictures. The story made me sick. I couldn't make up my mind about whether or not I should share the story because what if it plants horrifying ideas into other people's minds? Who knows what could trigger copycat actions? The friends who do read this blog would be more mature, I think, but still, please go to the article at your own risk.

If you read this article, then you may want to watch this video:

Okay, so this is what I really feel like

Wow, I am snapping at people over the smallest things.

weekend

Looking forward to bus caroling tonight.
Feeling better now.
People must have been praying for me this week.
I even had a dream about something unrelated to work. That dream revealed an issue I have to deal with in a different area of my life. I am scared, and I don't want to deal with this issue. But even when I don't think about it, I dream about it. Lord, have mercy.

Major writer's block

A ton of finals to grade within the week, and I still have to write the two talks that I have to give at a conference in January. Other things have popped up that are making me feel really stressed out, and I can't stop worrying. This really sucks.

Pepper

Ginger

Checkers

These are my friend's cats, which I play with every time our home group meets. But I am moving to the new home group that's splitting off from this old home group. So, bye bye cats. It's been lovely holding you even if you make me sneeze.

I now take L-theanine in the morning and in the evening. I feel like leaving a bottle in my office so I can take one midday too. I'm sure all this is good for me but I really want this season to be over. I wish I knew how to turn off the worry-switch.

writer's block again

I have two papers to present in January and I haven't started writing either paper! I do have outlines for both now, thankfully, but I have to write write write or risk public humiliation. I don't have anything in cold storage that I can cut and paste this time. This is so painful.

But on a happy note, I think I might have a professional opportunity that will improve the look of my CV--someone at a major research university asked me to be part of their new working group that they're trying to set up. Too bad nothing's confirmed and I can't advertise the fact to potential employers, hah! This is Christmas manna from the sky. I wouldn't have been able to do anything on my own to get this little piece of cake icing on my plate. If this goes through, it will be fun for me to be part of an international working group that includes a couple of senior profs whose work I like and respect. Is this amazing or is this amazing?