NYE KL

"May you and I be challenged to trust God more, to believe Him better, and to know Him deeper.  His heart is good, His love is pure, His plans are magnificent.  Whether we feel it or not, it doesn’t cease to be true."

Christmas

I should take pictures of all the cards I have gotten and keep them in one place. There will be days when I will need them to remind myself that all of this is worth it.

It's a little early to be reflecting on the end of the year, and I'm sure I'll do more of that later. But I just want to say that as tired and overwhelmed as I feel right now--and MORE to do before and after Christmas!!--I am so thankful for everything I've learned in the last few months. I am also very thankful for friends who have been there for me, and who have listened to me talk, talk, talk about things that matter and things that don't. The next time I'm down in the valley, do remind me that I have often found life to be so amazing. (Notice, I'm not saying that life is ever easy. Hah. I've long set aside that illusion.)

I'm so thankful for the conference Timothy organized for our school, and for inviting me to participate in it. I was very glad to be on the second panel of the first day of the conference. I wasn't among the first to start, but I would still finish early too! That said, the first panel was full of white philosophers talking about white philosophers and I was on a panel of white speakers speaking mostly about visual art. And there I was talking about why race still mattered. Talk about hostile and alienating. I thought I wouldn't get a single question from the audience.

But God bless the other speakers in the audience who do know what it means to be gendered and racialized, especially Nicole, a more senior academic. There was so much generosity in the room, and even the philosophers (all white) made it a point to compliment me and to engage me in conversation. Interdisciplinary work is hard.

So, many many blessings in so many areas of my life.

But it doesn't change the fact that I'm extremely tired now and I still have so much to do. Poor Timothy who has been juggling so many balls, and has been so kind and generous, must be burned out. Luckily, he has a lot of vacation time coming up soon, and he deserve it. I have some time off, but not a whole lot, which is fine. I know what I want for Christmas, and it is not vacation time......

I still feel anxious about work, and I have to keep reminding myself to trust God, trust His provision, and trust in His timing. Without God, I cannot.

Memories

My maternal grandmother didn't have much money because she spent her life working in the home. But she always tried to give me gifts even if it was a couple of handkerchiefs she bought at the wet market behind the house.

I received this souvenir from Brugge. It's not the kind of thing that I would have bought myself but it reminds me that God has always sent people into my life who love me. Kaz and Carm are part of how God softens my heart because we are so different in personalities and gifts. How did we become friends?

post-teaching fun

Hiked to the peak and dinner with the faculty fellowship. So thankful for brothers and sisters on campus. I can't believe Harry and Ora will retire at the end of the year.

Dec again

It's cold, gray, and we're grading. 'Nuff said.

I'm sure December isn't our busiest month of the year, but it always feels that way. Maybe it's because I just want to rest and feel Christmassy. But here we are, facing down deadlines....

I don't usually miss being in the US, but today I do, and very, very much. I miss my friends there even if everyone now lives all across the US.

HK Open 2015

When friends visit

Top hits

At the end of another week....

Emotions are a gauge, not a guide. -- part of today's sermon on happiness (based on the sermon on the mount)

I tried making an apple tart. I'm surprised it's edible. I should practice the crust and make savory galettes.

Sunday

humanness

A badminton group is like the church: full of broken people. Over the last seven days, one guy yelled at me for something really minor on court (he was wrong), another was a jerk and smashed an easy shot into someone else's back, a third person took a joke too far and disregarded another guy's feelings, and one of my coach's student was rude and obstinate and my coach exploded at him on court. That's a lot of drama for a week, haha.

The club leaders know that I am really angry because That Guy has done it before to me, and other girls in the group refuse to play with him and I will now too. Of course, the other girls are more subtle about it, but subtlety is not my name. That Guy is so off my list and I am never playing with him again. I'm sure my club leaders won't be happy about that but that's how I feel about it.

My coach's student is really weird and I understand why my coach exploded because he's just had it with how that student doesn't listen (to anyone) and blames all his mistakes on everyone else but himself. The Jerk isn't really a jerk, and I told the guy he pissed off to let it go this once. Third Person really hurt someone's feelings, but I think they should be able to work it out eventually. Seriously though.....people should just be nice to everyone. I mean, this is supposed to be fun, right? And who said women are more sensitive? Sheeeeyt.

unbelievable

I am having an "Are you STOOOPID????!!!" moment at work. Of course, sometimes I am stupid too, and write dumb things that need to be revised. But this kind of frustration is the kind of frustration you get with people who are supposed to know better but ask me questions as if they never graduated high school.

People don't just parent children, folks. People parent grown adults who should know better. There's a reason why the phrase "shit for brains" exists. Seriously.

Alright, I know I need to pause and pray. But I just really had to get that out there.

Old friends

Batesies in town. Loving it!

Back in church

What is my stone of remembrance? What has God done in my life?

(HK edition, of course.)

Terracotta diffuser

I finally found one and it was only 10 HKD! Too bad it's heart shaped.

Oct 6

Faculty and staff held a silent protest against Beijing's interference with academic freedom. Thankful for my head of school for taking the lead, for my mentor and senior colleagues for taking a stand, and the bravery of fellow junior faculty, staff, and students. I have much to learn about courage, humility, and gentleness from my betters.

Again

This is another season of faith. Can I surrender? What would it mean to trust God with the outcome? What do I keep in my schedule and what do I let go? Can I work harder? Does trusting God mean trying like crazy? How do I manage my time and energy?

I pray for faith to know and believe without doubts this year that God is good regardless of what happens. I pray for wisdom and strength to make good choices. By myself, I cannot.

my crazy weekend

My previous GP once told me, "You can't be disciplined all the time. You need to do crazy things once in awhile.....or you'll become like the British!" It's a joke, of course, but the idea is that we can't always be completely disciplined or we'll become repressed. So, I had a crazy weekend.

It consisted of buying groceries, folding laundry, mopping the floor, and cooking on Saturday in the morning, then napping and TV in the afternoon, then badminton and dinner after badminton. Sunday was even crazier. I skipped church. Napped and watched TV until 5pm at which point I went out to Mongkok to buy new barefoot-style sandals--and bought a pair for mom too--then a too-expensive hotpot dinner with Elm and Ram. We talked until 12am, which meant I only got to go to bed at 2am.

Yeah, this is craziness to me.

But it was fun hanging out and talking for so long. I felt like I was in college again.

Now, I really need to get back on track. How can I be sleep deprived when I stored up so much sleep?

Work

....is so hard. Seriously, this is a tough job.

I can't focus.

I need to focus.

I need to write.

Help......

new sports

I decided to join my church's dragon boat team because so many of my friends are addicted to the sport, and went to a social paddle on Sunday. I was convinced I would hate it, but it turned out to be pretty fun and it's nice to be out on the water. I'm sure I won't think it's so fun once it starts getting cold but hopefully there won't be too many cold days.

My legs were completely exhausted after two hours, and the day after, my butt felt like it had been flogged. But I think I already made a few new friends, and we're planning on going camping together in a couple of weeks. That's a win in my book!

I told May that this means I have to rearrange my badminton schedule and cut down on badminton. She said, "Finally!"

badminton community

Bersih 4

Praying for folks back home

HK visitors

As always, I get a ton of visitors in HK, and this summer was no exception: Irene, Al and family, Jenny S. (Liz's friend), Beh, Esther, Adria (technically she is from out of town if she lives in SG with her family now), and Wen. What's really stressful this year is how most of them are visiting in the last two weeks of the summer.

The last two weeks before ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE again. They should've come in June is all I'm saying. Can I get a ticket to a deserted island, please?

Hot

It is not as hot these days but I sweated the most last night this entire summer. Even though it didn't feel hot, sweat was literally dripping off my shorts.

But man, I love this game.

Also thankful for a smart and kind boss, and colleagues who take the time to read drafts. They're indispensable.

Panic

Stress levels have gone WAY UP again. I really need to calm down. I'm thankful that I'm reconnecting with some old friends and in a meaningful way, and I'm very thankful for kind and supportive senior colleagues. But it ain't fun to be on the receiving end of critiques. Very thankful that they are taking the time to look through some of my shorter documents, but I wish this process were over. For someone who hates criticism, I sure as hell chose the wrong profession!

(And if you tell someone you have "lots of comments," please don't delay in setting up an appointment to talk it over because the other person won't be able to relax until she or he finds out what those comments are!)

surprises

Someone who I thought was an enemy at work turned out to be really supportive at a meeting yesterday, and I think she may be wondering why I haven't sought her out earlier. I explained that I try not to impose too much on any one person's time. We may see the world in very different ways and don't really understand one another well, but in her own way, she wants to be supportive and kind.

My boss has also been extremely supportive and kind, and that's a really wonderful experience to have. So while I did start of the week with a loss--I've never broken a racket before--things are looking up. It's nice to have an upward trend. But I really should be more focused at work too. Oh, August.

Not serving

This past year, I took a break from serving at church because it was a tough year at work. I was glad I didn't have to serve because it turned out to be a really tough year at work.

But I realized that I also became very self-centered in my allocation of time. I did try to make time for friends. Still, I think it is important to start serving again.

I have not figured out how and in what ways though. It's going to be another hard year at work.

Miracles

Yes, I believe God heals and performs miracles. But when? And why does he not perform miracles 100% of the time? It's remarkable to watch the faith of those praying for miracles. That is a miracle in itself.

This is a big one, Lord, so please show up in a big way.

When injured

Helped out a friend by attending an event she was running and got pampered at the same time.

Injured again

I am really getting old. Have to take a week of to rest my arm.

In the meantime, I made kaya. It's a little too sweet but the taste is phenomenal. I am going to try a different recipe next time though.

I learned a few things about Cantonese culture at the memorial service:

- the Cantonese prefer to wear black, while a Hokkien HK friend says they prefer to wear lighter--but not

bright--colors.

- visitors will be given a little envelope with three items, none of which should be brought home: a one dollar coin, a piece of candy, and a piece of tissue. the dollar coin is returned after the service as a donation (not to the family), and the candy has to be consumed before you leave. the candy is meant to bring some sweetness to the bitterness of saying goodbye.

- individual donations to the family of the deceased have to be given by the individual and cannot borrowed, and you can't ask a friend to give it on your behalf in advance. 
- the sum given must be an odd number; our group of friends each gave HKD 101.00, for example. even numbers usually represent joy and celebration.
- upon arrival, guests in small groups will bow three times to the deceased, and once to the family. at the end of the service, the bows are repeated before you leave.

- not everyone will attend the service because it is not an "auspicious" event. some may come just to give their bows and may leave immediately after that.

- my friend refused to drive his car to the service because he didn't want to inadvertently bring "strangers" home with him, if you know what i mean. similarly, you shouldn't go home directly from the funeral home, so we went out for dinner after. 

i'm sure my family had slightly different rituals as we are Hokkien, but i won't know what those are, hopefully not for a little while. i don't think my heart can bear another loss for the next....couple of years or so, at least? 

conversations about death

Conversations during a memorial service last Sunday. I didn't know the deceased personally, and went to the service out of friendship for the club leader who is the deceased's godson.

Me: I don't think I want to be friends with you guys when you're all older.

Ray: Why? Because you don't want to see us.....

Me: Yeah.

Me: When I pass on, I don't think there will be so many people at my service.

Ray: I'll come to yours! But you have to let me know!

Me: Sure, I'll let you know through a dream.

In Cantonese, it's "I will send you a dream," where the deceased visits the living through a dream. Of course, I'm not so sure that I will be visiting anyone once I am Home, but it's the thought that counts.

Once, I had a dream where my maternal grandmother visited me in HK, and we went to a mall in TST. My grandmother could walk in my dream--no arthritis?--and she took the escalators with me and gazed around the mall as we went up to the next floor. I told my mom about my dream but she didn't say anything in reply. A year or so later, she told one of my aunts the story during Chinese New Year and said to my aunt, "How would z know that [my grandmother] loved to shop?"

I didn't know that my grandmother loved shopping (I hate it and assumed that she would too), and clearly, my grandmother probably didn't visit me in my dream. But I like thinking about it as if she did.

growing old

Bought my parents some books, and they were happy and excited. I guess there's no denying that the tables are turning now.

Names of God

What would it mean to think of God as "competent"? I know that sounds cold and silly, but I think it's helpful for me to think about it as such. I worship a "competent" God.

LOL.

June

The school year has come to an end, and while I spend the first couple of weeks of June with a headache and feeling half-dead, at least I'm starting to feel more human now. Coming into the office doesn't feel like hell anymore, mostly because I spend most of my time reading this month.

And... I get to play a little more baddy. Long live summer!!

end of semester blues

Learning to let negative feelings run their course, and hoping that I don't bite, scratch, or bark at the people around me in the meantime. Grades have been turned in, and while I have more administrative work to do, the worst of it is over. And it's strange how our mind/body/emotions crumble when it knows it can do so with relatively few consequences.

I really wish I could go on vacation, but flying takes a pretty heavy toll on my body and it takes me awhile to get back on track. So. Here's hoping that I'll get a lot of writing done this summer. Because I don't think I actually have a choice about that.

Wishing I were in Maine though.

delusions

Why did I think life would be easier as we get older?

Although, research is now proving that those of us who make it to our 50s and beyond tend to become happier and calmer, and all sorts of other good things. I guess I just have to hang in there until then.

Post-baddy hangout

crawling

Good news: mostly done with the major revisions for this part of the project.

Bad news: my brain is refusing to work.

I guess this means I should just focus on wading through that mountain of student papers that need to be graded.

So tired. Really tired. Hopefully, I will be able to work out in the gym this weekend and get back on court next week.

Oh yeah, more good news: no insomnia for the past few weeks. I hope I'm not jinxing me. I think it's the schisandra extract.

We're not even at the end...

My body feels so rundown that I'm canceling all exercise and badminton for the next week or so. And I'm not even supposed to rest yet because we still have so much to do.

Sooooo muuuccchhhhh......

Dammit.

Happy place

I need to find my happy place.


The Bates Quad

The Sacre Coeur

Dammit

Why do I get stuck with extra administrative duties because senior, tenured profs think that it's not their job? Well, it's not mine either, so why am I doing it??

Seriously.

you cannot run.....

As someone who hates dealing with other people's feelings (INTJ in the house), I'm learning now that politics at work is all about dealing with other people's feelings, and one's own. All the fights and conflict and unpleasantness are the result of hurt feelings, and of not being able to deal with hurt feelings. The need for power is the result of feeling smaller than one wishes to feel.

I see this in myself too, but hopefully, God will be able to work through all these emotions with me. It's been really hard at work though. And I don't really want to have to deal with other people's crap. I have enough crap of my own to work through. Plus, they're all older than me! They should have their shit together, come on.

(Fat chance.)

sunny spring day

My office is on the ninth floor

The view from my office

And a partial view of the old campus from our building 

Easter break

Took a break over our long-weekend, and went to Zhongshan with badminton buddies for food and badminton. Now, my body thinks that it can relax and refuses to work. However, we have three more weeks of classes to go, and I need to finish my writing!!! Sigh.

Just chatted with a friend who teaches in Chicago. She's feeling more down than I am right now, but I'm sure she'll be fine once she gets tenure. In the mean time, it's physical therapy, massages, and counseling to keep up with the effects of stress.

What do I want? Is this the life I want? I don't know what I want.....

Learning to let people be who they are at this point in their lives. That's a kind of grace. And hey, I'd like people to let me be whom I am too. I'm going to grow as fast as I grow......

My coach!

He went to my club on a night I had to teach and they sent me the evidence.

My CIA family

Imperfect. Loud. Forgiven.

Age

It's not just a number. I feel old. I feel old in all these ways:

When my friends grow weaker and frailer.

When they die. Or seem like they may die. Soon.

When I start to feel weaker and frailer. Just a little right now. Like when I can't exercise six days in a row anymore. I need to take rest days in between.

When people tell me I "need to start looking now" or I "won't be able to look later." You know what I mean.

When people I meet seem so horribly, horribly young and inexperienced, and I don't want to have too much to do with them because they may hurt my feelings even without meaning too. You know, because they're too young to know any better.

I'm sure this list will grow longer. Soon.

30-day thanksgiving challenge

It's easy to think of three different items of thanksgiving everyday....so long as I remember to do so! The easiest way to get it done is to find three items at the start of the day because by the end of the day, I am not going to remember to record the items. I am sure it is better to remember to be thankful throughout the day, but I will just do what I can.

When I do remember to do the exercise, it's easy enough to find three different things to be thankful for everyday so I must have a lot of blessings in my life!

Auspicious encounters

I bumped into two different friends at the airport! What are the odds??

closed doors

Sometimes, we just have to accept the fact that our friends don't want to let us in their lives when they're dealing with something. It hurts when they do that. But I do it too, and I guess my friends feel hurt when I do it.

I'm so tired today.

rewiring the brain

Thankfulness 31-day challenge has begun. I'm supposed to write down three things I'm thankful for every day, and they should all be different. I suppose being thankful for a warm coat and a warm sweater counts as two items! #3: having meaningful work to do even if I hate waking up on a Monday morning. Prepping a lecture on Schlomo Avineri's exposition of Marx's notion of alienation, and reading it alongside Melville's "Bartleby the Scrivener." Not sure if this will work, but it's fun for me to go through both texts again.

just the beginning

I cannot believe that we're at the beginning of a new semester. I feel like I need a vacation already!

Of course, I also did play badminton four times and go to the gym twice in the last seven days. I am glad I have no time to exercise today because I'm teaching my evening class tonight. Cannot wait to be done with class and go home to bed. (It's 9:32am as I type this.)

#veryold
#toomuchexercise

Old friends

Appreciating the rascals in my life 

loving life

Love my new club especially when we have enough courts. I think I'm learning how to slowly make my game better but these changes are going to be incremental. Still, I love it!

Now, I really must work hard too after a very lazy Saturday and badminton-filled Sunday.

starting the year off right

.... with a beautiful, easy hike, with a friend who enjoys hanging out with me even if I annoy her sometimes. (I give her the shitface when she's late, which is quite often, although she was on time yesterday.)