Sometimes, I wonder what I learned in graduate school. I don't mean that to be as critical as it first comes across. Now that I have some idea of how I'd actually like to revise the dissertation, I am sometimes too impatient with myself--I wish I'd read a lot more during grad school! Although, I do think that in grad school, we are forced to read so much so quickly and in such fragmentary ways that we retain hardly anything of what we'd read. This is why most of of my teachers took 10 years to complete their PhD's! And now we are expected to finish them in 5-6 years?

We had a pretty long lapse between postdoc events and I was so happy to be back with the group yesterday. We will have another event next week before another long, much lamented lapse again. Life is crazy busy as usual but I'm loving it most of it. I hate having to think about life after this postdoc.

This image is appropos of nothing personal

I stumbleupon-ed this drawing and its caption on this site and couldn't resist putting it up because the analogy it draws is ironic and socially relevant.

On another note, I came upon a different sort of realization last night during my church home group meeting. It's not very profound but it was personally timely and helpful. My desires and dreams are important and relevant. But in the face of God, they become less so. This is not to say that I will repress whatever hopes and fears I have, and letting them go does not mean they are not important or that they are morally wrong. It just means that God matters more, that's all.

That realization not only freed me to acknowledge that I have desires, it also freed me from being consumed by them.

falling back into normal

After meeting my deadline last week, my body crashed again. I've been sleeping about 10-12 hours a day for the past few days but I'm no longer worried. I'm resigned to how my body has to recover after I push it hard for awhile, and I look forward to how my body will recover so that I can work with pleasure again.

This morning, I woke up feeling a little better than I did the past couple of days and the next week looks pretty interesting as far as postdoc commitments go--a couple of interesting lectures and hopefully I'll have the energy to start reading a couple of books that I've been wanting to read for awhile now. Hopefully, I won't have another unexpected crazy deadline any time soon.

inspiring

Lately, I've been wondering if staying away from the papers will keep my spirits up, and I think that it will. I did come across this NYT column on earth-friendly technological innovation that made me feel good though.

oh well, whatever

I know that it's probably not very "spiritual" to take pleasure in praise, but I can't help it, I am going to take pleasure in a word of affirmation from an unexpected source. Yesterday, I sent my former supervisor something I wrote recently but I didn't expect her to read it--for very good reasons that I shouldn't go into anywhere--and she wrote back this morning to say that she glanced through it very quickly and that she thinks I have made "enormous strides." What's even more exciting is that she also indicated that she might read my document more carefully in the near future to offer guidance on how I might proceed in the coming months.

Forgive me, I am only human. With this piece of good news, I am looking forward to a very restful and happy weekend. (Minus the vacuuming, mopping, laundry, and bill-paying of course.)

more stumbling

I really like this picture but I don't know why, especially since the caption says "Mustard gas party"!!

stumbleupon!

I love the stumbleupon application! It's my new favorite way to take a break. Once you install the toolbar, all you have to do is click on an icon and it automatically takes you to sites with cool pictures or news or videos. I usually click on the image icon to be directed to random images on the web. Most of the images are of art installations or photos by professional and/or amateur photographers. Some of the images are political statements that are very well done but I don't have time to save them although I really probably should as they might be helpful one day. But I don't partly because I don't want my stumbling to seem like work. So, here's one image that I will never use for work.

Isn't it nice to feel protected?

Monday

I've always been somewhat perplexed by friends who live in the non-academic world, especially when they complained about hating Mondays. Why should Monday be any different?? What, you mean you don't work on weekends?? But I've been trying to take weekends off most weeks for the past few months now and have gotten a taste for what it's like to actually have weekends off.

I woke up today wishing it was the start of the weekend. I've noticed that when I take time off to rest on weekends--without running errands, cleaning, paying bills, or trying to catch up on work--I am much more productive and excited to be back at work on Mondays.

Oh, and I've been assigned to teach on Fridays from 2-5pm in the Spring quarter. My friends tell me I won't have any students. Great.

Epiphany

I just realized this morning that I constantly live as if I'm on the brink of disaster. That's just not a healthy way to live. And even if I feel that way, it may not be true and it's probably not true.

compass

Okay. I need to calm down and re-center myself. Okay.

oh no, not again . . .

You know, I think that a lot of my stress is also partly a result of multiple and repeated UNEXPECTED deadlines that disrupt whatever schedule I have in my head. Okay, some deadlines I can predict, and some deadlines should have been predicted, but then there are those things that are impossible to predict. Those "unknown unknowns"--I can't believe I'm quoting Dick Cheney, ptooey--such as the one that was made known this morning, are like a blow to the head.

I am busy enough! I have enough to do, really! I'm not bored! I can't remember the last time I actually felt bored! The last thing I need right now is something that, while good, just leaves me a little . . . breathless. I want to sit and hold my head and not do anything--the very posture that I cannot adopt. Okay, maybe I will do just that for a couple of minutes.

Hmmm.

These past couple of days, I've been feeling really anxious and low in spirits again--probably the most anxious I've felt since last March, probably. Without going too much into it, I think it's related to low self-worth.

Must. Work. Against. That.

Sigh. I don't know why I keep struggling with this issue. I just hope it is not the thorn in my side that will plague me all my life.

the ride doesn't end

I still feel like I'm on a roller-coaster with very high highs and very low lows. I supposed I should resign myself to it!

Lunch in Chinatown last weekend was pretty bad, actually. I can't believe any restaurant in Chinatown can serve food that badly cooked. Most of its patrons were non-Chinese, so no wonder. But after lunch we did grocery shopping and it turned out we were there in time to see their annual CNY parade! It was a bit strange as you can see from the pictures my friend S took.

This week, I'll be happy to get as much work done as possible. Feeling pretty tired out again but I need to turn in textbook requests this week besides all my usual work. This Sunday, Friend M--the tallest one in the Chinatown pictures--is having us over at her place for empanadas, the Argentinian version of curry puff. The dough is heavier and the filling has no curry. :) So, I do have fun times to look forward too. I just wish I weren't so tired all the time!!!!

Oh yeah, and I played badminton last Friday. I was so happy to be playing and I can't understand why I ever stopped. But I also did bruise my big toe badly from lunging for a shuttle and I'm hoping that I will be able to play this Friday. If I could move faster, I wouldn't have to lunge and risk bruising my toe. But I haven't had time/energy to run or practice sprints. The bottom of my big toenail is purple and black now which means I can look forward to growing a new toenail over the next few weeks. Sigh.