disrupted internet service

The earthquake in Taiwan a few days ago disrupted undersea cables, so internet service has been spotty. I can't seem to access my Cornell webmail account, but this blog and facebook works. Go figure. All my email addresses are in webmail though, and I kinda use it as an address/diary, so it'll be nice to have that back. Still, at least my house isn't in rubbles or flooded with brown, dirty water, so I'm thankful enough.

Being home is always difficult sometimes, but there are also fun parts. A lot of my friends are having babies (eepp!) so it's fun to be carrying them (until they cry and need to be changed or fed), and it's always nice to catch up with old friends and find out how they've been doing.

I know that my current life isn't here though . . . :) Missing my T-ride house pals, but not the drama. Need to get back to staring at the screen with my dissertation files opened . . .

But also enjoying the slow pace, the TV, the hanging out, and of course the food . . .


Anyways. :) Life can be complicated, but good.

Piled Higher and Deeper . . .

This is so true, it's not even funny.

not so new beginnings?

I'm not sure I'm completely convinced that our calendars are the best ways to mark the passage of time. January 1 seems to be a pretty arbitrary date, and there's no real reason why it should mark a "new" year, or a new beginning.

And anyway, when you're stuck in the American academic calendar, seasons and cycles are really quite different from the rest of the sane world . . .

But I suppose it prompts us to stop for a moment and take stock of what we're doing and what we hope to do. I'm still stuck in grad school, so it always seems like all I want is to move onward with the dissertation . . . onward to the point of completion. :)

There has to be life beyond grad school, there simply has to be!

not much to blog about

Conference was last week, and I'm still recovering from having to sit in an auditorium for day-long sessions, 4 days in a row. Bleh!! Good networking opportunity, I suppose.

Tummy feeling funny these past few days. A bit of the runs and a little nausea, and now I'm a little afraid to eat so drinking mom's soup for dinner.

Friend gave birth, and needs some babysitting help with her first child (almost 3 years old), so I think I'm going to take Ethan swimming tonight because his dad has to be in church this evening for an event. I get along quite well with Ethan, so I don't think it'll be too much trouble. :) He keeps me on my toes.

Didn't bring my camera back with me so no pictures. Maybe I'll borrow my mom's camera.

home!

Back in Malaysia! Good flight, but now I have a crick in my neck, and am very, very tired. Good to be home though.

Esp since sh*t has apparently hit the fan AGAIN in T-house. I'm glad I'm not there, but I hope my friends are surviving.

Michael Moore's letter

Wednesday, November 29th, 2006
Cut and Run, the Only Brave Thing to Do ...a letter from
Michael Moore

Friends,

Monday marked the day that we had been in Iraq longer than we were in
all of World War II.

That's right. We were able to defeat all of Nazi Germany, Mussolini,
and the entire Japanese empire in LESS time than it's taken the
world's only superpower to secure the road from the airport to
downtown Baghdad.

And we haven't even done THAT. After 1,347 days, in the same
time it took us to took us to sweep across North Africa, storm the
beaches of Italy, conquer the South Pacific, and liberate all of Western
Europe, we cannot, after over 3 and 1/2 years, even take over a single
highway and protect ourselves from a homemade device of two tin cans
placed in a pothole. No wonder the cab fare from the airport into Baghdad
is now running around $35,000 for the 25-minute ride. And that doesn't
even include a friggin' helmet.

Is this utter failure the fault of our troops? Hardly. That's because
no amount of troops or choppers or democracy shot out of the barrel of
a gun is ever going to "win" the war in Iraq. It is a lost war, lost
because it never had a right to be won, lost because it was started by
men who have never been to war, men who hide behind others sent to
fight and die.

Let's listen to what the Iraqi people are saying, according to a
recent poll conducted by the University of Maryland:

** 71% of all Iraqis now want the U.S. out of Iraq.

** 61% of all Iraqis SUPPORT insurgent attacks on U.S. troops.

Yes, the vast majority of Iraqi citizens believe that our soldiers
should be killed and maimed! So what the hell are we still doing
there? Talk about not getting the hint.

There are many ways to liberate a country. Usually the residents of
that country rise up and liberate themselves. That's how we did
it. You can also do it through nonviolent, mass civil disobedience.
That's how India did it. You can get the world to boycott a regime
until they are so ostracized they capitulate. That's how South Africa did
it. Or you can just wait them out and, sooner or later, the king's
legions simply leave (sometimes just because they're too cold). That's how
Canada did it.

The one way that DOESN'T work is to invade a country and tell the
people, "We are here to liberate you!" -- when they have done NOTHING
to liberate themselves. Where were all the suicide bombers when
Saddam was oppressing them? Where were the insurgents planting bombs
along the roadside as the evildoer Saddam's convoy passed them by? I
guess ol' Saddam was a cruel despot -- but not cruel enough for
thousands to risk their necks. "Oh no, Mike, they couldn't do that! Saddam
would have had them killed!" Really? You don't think King George had
any of the colonial insurgents killed? You don't think Patrick Henry
or Tom Paine were afraid? That didn't stop them. When tens of thousands
aren't willing to shed their own blood to remove a dictator, that
should be the first clue that they aren't going to be willing
participants when you decide you're going to do the liberating
for them.

A country can HELP another people overthrow a tyrant (that's what the
French did for us in our revolution), but after you help them, you
leave. Immediately. The French didn't stay and tell us how to
set up our government. They didn't say, "we're not leaving because we
want your natural resources." They left us to our own devices and it
took us six years before we had an election. And then we had a
bloody civil war. That's what happens, and history is full of these
examples. The French didn't say, "Oh, we better stay in America, otherwise
they're going to kill each other over that slavery issue!"

The only way a war of liberation has a chance of succeeding is if the
oppressed people being liberated have their own citizens behind
them-- and a group of Washingtons, Jeffersons, Franklins, Gandhis and
Mandellas leading them. Where are these beacons of liberty in Iraq?

This is a joke and it's been a joke since the beginning. Yes, the
joke's been on us, but with 655,000 Iraqis now dead as a result
of our invasion (source: Johns Hopkins University), I guess the cruel
joke is on them. At least they've been liberated, permanently.

So I don't want to hear another word about sending more troops (wake
up, America, John McCain is bonkers), or "redeploying" them, or
waiting four months to begin the "phase-out." There is only one
solution and it is this: Leave. Now. Start tonight. Get out of
there as fast as we can. As much as people of good heart and conscience
don't want to believe this, as much as it kills us to accept
defeat, there is nothing we can do to undo the damage we have done. What's
happened has happened. If you were to drive drunk down the road
and you killed a child, there would be nothing you could do to
bring that child back to life. If you invade and destroy a country,
plunging it into a civil war, there isn't much you can do `til the smoke
settles and blood is mopped up. Then maybe you can atone for the
atrocity you have committed and help the living come back to a better life.

The Soviet Union got out of Afghanistan in 36 weeks. They did so and
suffered hardly any losses as they left. They realized the mistake
they had made and removed their troops. A civil war ensued. The bad
guys won. Later, we overthrew the bad guys and everybody lived happily
ever after. See! It all works out in the end!

The responsibility to end this war now falls upon the Democrats.
Congress controls the purse strings and the Constitution says only
Congress can declare war. Mr. Reid and Ms. Pelosi now hold the power
to put an end to this madness. Failure to do so will bring the wrath
of the voters. We aren't kidding around, Democrats, and if you don't
believe us, just go ahead and continue this war another month. We will
fight you harder than we did the Republicans. The opening page of my
website has a photo of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, each made up by a
collage of photos of the American soldiers who have died in Bush's
War. But it is now about to become the Bush/Democratic Party War
unless swift action is taken.

This is what we demand:

1. Bring the troops home now. Not six months from now. NOW. Quit
looking for a way to win. We can't win. We've lost. Sometimes you
lose. This is one of those times. Be brave and admit it.

2. Apologize to our soldiers and make amends. Tell them we are sorry
they were used to fight a war that had NOTHING to do with our national
security. We must commit to taking care of them so that they suffer as
little as possible. The mentally and physically maimed must get the
best care and significant financial compensation. The families of the
deceased deserve the biggest apology and they must be taken care of
for the rest of their lives.

3. We must atone for the atrocity we have perpetuated on the people of
Iraq. There are few evils worse than waging a war based on a lie,
invading another country because you want what they have buried under
the ground. Now many more will die. Their blood is on our hands,
regardless for whom we voted. If you pay taxes, you have contributed
to the three billion dollars a week now being spent to drive Iraq into
the hellhole it's become. When the civil war is over, we will have to
help rebuild Iraq. We can receive no redemption until we have atoned.

In closing, there is one final thing I know. We Americans are better
than what has been done in our name. A majority of us were upset and
angry after 9/11 and we lost our minds. We didn't think straight and
we never looked at a map. Because we are kept stupid through our
pathetic education system and our lazy media, we knew nothing of
history. We didn't know that WE were the ones funding and arming
Saddam for many years, including those when he massacred the
Kurds. He was our guy. We didn't know what a Sunni or a Shiite was, never even
heard the words. Eighty percent of our young adults (according to
National Geographic) were not able to find Iraq on the map. Our
leaders played off our stupidity, manipulated us with lies, and scared
us to death.

But at our core we are a good people. We may be slow learners, but
that "Mission Accomplished" banner struck us as odd, and soon we began
to ask some questions. Then we began to get smart. By this past
November 7th, we got mad and tried to right our wrongs. The majority
now know the truth. The majority now feel a deep sadness and guilt and
a hope that somehow we can make make it all right again.

Unfortunately, we can't. So we will accept the consequences of our
actions and do our best to be there should the Iraqi people ever dare
to seek our help in the future. We ask for their forgiveness.

We demand the Democrats listen to us and get out of Iraq now.

Yours,

Michael Moore
www.michaelmoore.com
mmflint@aol.com 

leaving dec 4

Can't wait! Can't wait! Have a lot of work to do, but I'm so excited I can't concentrate!!

Who am I kidding, I usually can't concentrate anyway, but now I have a good excuse!!!

PTL, did finish a one-page dissertation prospectus, will turn it in to my chair in about an hour and a half. I've figured out she really does have a soft heart, so I kinda bargained her down to "1 page" re the prospectus, hahaha!!

fantastic concert!!

Went to a performance by a brass quintet called "Canadian Brass," and it was AMAZING!! Very very fun, and a wonderful performance. If you ever get a chance to hear them, you SHOULD GO!!!!!!

Michael Backman, Part II

The response to my recent column 'While Malaysia fiddles, its opportunities are running dry,' published in The Age newspaper on November 15 has been overwhelming. I've received hundreds of e-mails and messages, many from Malaysians both in Malaysia and outside, of which perhaps 95% have been supportive. Thank you for these. It seems that the column has given voice to concerns that many Malaysians have.

I'd like to emphasise (and as many of you realise already), that I wrote the column as constructive criticism. I like Malaysia very much. I visit often and have many Malaysian friends of all races. I've also written a lot that is positive about Malaysia in the past, most notably in a previous book of mine - The Asian Insider: Unconventional Wisdom for Asian Business, which has no less than five chapters to explain to people outside Malaysia why I feel that Malaysia should be given more credit than it gets.

There have been many achievements. There is much about which Malaysians can be proud. Malaysia, for example, is far more politically mature and developed than is Singapore. The media is more open too (but of course not as open as it could or should be.) Malaysians are more entrepreneurial too. AirAsia started in Malaysia and has revolutionised air travel across Asia. In Singapore, there is very much a sense that the government has to do everything.

I also believe that the NEP, which has seen special advantages given to bumiputeras over other groups, has been important for Malaysia. It has been essential for nation building. Malaysia is peaceful and while the various groups may not mix much there is clear mutual respect between them. That is a huge achievement.

However, the problem as I said in my column, is waste. And also the use of statistics that are blatantly wrong. Malaysia also has a big problem with transparency. Too little account is made of how other people's money is spent. The police too are way too corrupt for a country as developed as Malaysia. The rote learning that is practiced in the schools also needs to be done away with. Generations of Malaysian children are missing out on an education that should teach them how to be creative and critical - this is what a truly modern, boleh country needs. Again, my comments are meant to be constructive. And I make them as a non-Malaysian largely because many Malaysians feel rightly or wrongly that they cannot say these things themselves in their own country.

Since my column was published, plans for a new RM400 million Istana have been announced and the Agriculture Ministry parliamentary secretary has told Parliament that Malaysia's first astronaut will be playing batu seremban and spinning tops and making teh tarik while in space. There are countless scientists around the world who would give anything for the opportunity to go to space and do real experiments. For the Malaysian government to send an astronaut into space to play Malay children's games serves only to re-emphasise my point about waste. Not only that, it makes Malaysia look infantile in the eyes of the rest of the world, which is a great pity when Malaysia has made so many real achievements. The world is getting more clever, more competitive and more dynamic every day. There are too many in Malaysia who don't seem to understand this.

Of course my views are just that: my views. But I have spent most of my adult life analysing and writing about Asia. I am direct and critical; I do not veil my criticisms because I don't want to waste my time or yours with readers trying to guess what I really mean. Open debate is absolutely critical for all modern, dynamic countries. The free flow of ideas and information helps to make countries rich. Political leaders cannot do everything on their own be they in the UK, Australia or Malaysia. They need help. Otherwise they make mistakes. And when they do, whose fault is that? Those who prefer to stay quiet? And should I as a non-Malaysian be commenting on Malaysia? Of course. Malaysian political leaders and commentators routinely comment about other countries. That's how the world is now, an inter-dependent, global world. And the world is much better for it.

I will write another column about Malaysia soon.

Michael Backman
November 17 2006

Jenga!

The day after Thanksgiving, I went out for lunch with the gang of Malaysian grad students here (in 2 weeks or so, it will only be and Cheong left at Cornell) and what was supposed to be "lunch" turned into "coffee after lunch" and "games after coffee" and we didn't leave until we had thoroughly stressed ourselves out with our "games."

Surprisingly, I didn't lose! I basically stopped breathing every time it was my turn to move a block.

Have done so little work this break . . . :(

conference in Dec

Borat

Saw the movie, Borat, two days ago, and it was quite funny, but not as biting a social commentary as we were hoping. Went with a group of folks from my dorm. Again. Yes, I will have very few friends outside the dorm soon.

They had a few very funny clips, esp at the beginning of the movie, but toward the middle, it was just getting more and more unbelievable. I couldn't believe some of the reactions of the real-life people who were caught on film reacting to the "fictional character" Borat.

The section where Borat visited a charasmatic church in Texas was particularly disturbing. It wasn't the fault of the filmmaker's part, I don't think. Visiting charasmatic churches can be a strange enough experience sometimes, but actually seeing them on film . . . sorry, I'm distancing myself even more from that particular aspect of Christianity!

from Rzim (see link on sidebar)

In every season of a life moving toward God, the
psalmist shows us that the one we journey toward is the reality that sets
our hearts toward pilgrimage in the first place.  In this alone is there
not reason to give thanks along the way?  We seek because there is one
to find.  Whether in loneliness or in triumph, we are given songs
to sing.  And in Christ we find the most hopeful image of a pilgrim, a man
who knew he was far way from home, and laid down his life to show us the
way.  We are promised that the road is costly, even as he offers a burden
that is easy and a yoke that is light.

As the weary pilgrims of Israel made their ascent to the Temple Mount in
Jerusalem, they sang with the journey yet on their hearts: "How lovely is
your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty!  My soul yearns, even faints, for
the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God"
(84:1-2). 

It is a stirring image: a great crowd making the ascent to worship God
after a long journey already wrought with thanksgiving on their lips.  It
is all the more stirring to see yourself as one of them:  "Blessed are
those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage"
(Psalm 84:5).  

criminalized biscuits?

The Muslim Consumer Association of Malaysia has made a police report against a popular ice-cream maker for producing biscuits that contain an image of the cross/crucifix. The article is available in Malay.

thanksgiving break!

Yay! We're going to have Thurs and Fri off next week for Thanksgiving Break!!! Time to rest and get caught up somewhat with work. As it turns out, most of us in the House will be here over break anyway, so it will only be marginally quieter.

But still, BREAK! I feel like I have so many life/living/daily-errands that I've been neglecting. Really need to get caught up on those too.

fragile

I don't really write about my life in detail because I can't. So much happens, and so much evokes such depths of emotion in me; written words are inadequate.

What prompts this post is actually the imminent departure of one of the faculty guests in our house. She has only been with us for a month, but many of us will miss her greatly. We should hold her hostage; too bad about her students at UCLA. We need her more. Her plane leaves tomorrow afternoon at 3pm, and so I thought we would see her for lunch in our dining room. But she looked at us and said, no, she doesn't think she can do lunch. She refuses to say goodbye.

What measures of grace in my life.

long news post, but worth reading

The news piece came from an Australian paper. Don't want it to disappear, so I'm posting the entire text in this post.

MALAYSIA'S been at it again, arguing about what proportion of
the economy each of its two main races — the Malays and the
Chinese — owns. It's an argument that's been running for 40
years. That wealth and race are not synonymous is important for
national cohesion, but really it's time Malaysia grew up.

It's a tough world out there and there can be little sympathy
for a country that prefers to argue about how to divide wealth
rather than get on with the job of creating it.

The long-held aim is for 30 per cent of corporate equity to be
in Malay hands, but the figure that the Government uses to
justify handing over huge swathes of public companies to Malays
but not to other races is absurd. It bases its figure on equity
valued, not at market value, but at par value.

Many shares have a par value of say $1 but a market value of
$12. And so the Government figure (18.9 per cent is the most
recent figure) is a gross underestimate. Last month a paper by
a researcher at a local think-tank came up with a figure of 45
per cent based on actual stock prices. All hell broke loose.

The paper was withdrawn and the researcher resigned in protest.
Part of the problem is that he is Chinese.

"Malaysia boleh!" is Malaysia's national catch cry. It
translates to "Malaysia can!" and Malaysia certainly can. Few
countries are as good at wasting money. It is richly endowed
with natural resources and the national obsession seems to be
to extract these, sell them off and then collectively spray the
proceeds up against the wall.

This all happens in the context of Malaysia's grossly inflated
sense of its place in the world.

Most Malaysians are convinced that the eyes of the world are on
their country and that their leaders are world figures. This is
thanks to Malaysia's tame media and the bravado of former prime
minister Mahathir Mohamad. The truth is, few people on the
streets of London or New York could point to Malaysia on a map
much less name its prime minister or capital city.

As if to make this point, a recent episode of The Simpsons
features a newsreader trying to announce that a tidal wave had
hit some place called Kuala Lumpur. He couldn't pronounce the
city's name and so made up one, as if no-one cared anyway. But
the joke was on the script writers — Kuala Lumpur is inland.

Petronas, the national oil company is well run, particularly
when compared to the disaster that passes for a national oil
company in neighbouring Indonesia. But in some respects, this
is Malaysia's problem. The very success of Petronas means that
it is used to underwrite all manner of excess.

The KLCC development in central Kuala Lumpur is an example. It
includes the Twin Towers, the tallest buildings in the world
when they were built, which was their point.

It certainly wasn't that there was an office shortage in Kuala
Lumpur — there wasn't.

Malaysians are very proud of these towers. Goodness knows why.
They had little to do with them. The money for them came out of
the ground and the engineering was contracted out to South
Korean companies.

They don't even run the shopping centre that's beneath them.
That's handled by Australia's Westfield.

Next year, a Malaysian astronaut will go into space aboard a
Russian rocket — the first Malay in space. And the cost? $RM95
million ($A34.3 million), to be footed by Malaysian taxpayers.
The Science and Technology Minister has said that a moon
landing in 2020 is the next target, aboard a US flight. There's
no indication of what the Americans will charge for this,
assuming there's even a chance that they will consider it. But
what is Malaysia getting by using the space programs of others
as a taxi service? There are no obvious technical benefits, but
no doubt Malaysians will be told once again, that they are
"boleh". The trouble is, they're not. It's not their space
program.

Back in July, the Government announced that it would spend
$RM490 million on a sports complex near the London Olympics
site so that Malaysian athletes can train there and "get used
to cold weather".

But the summer Olympics are held in the summer.

So what is the complex's real purpose? The dozens of goodwill
missions by ministers and bureaucrats to London to check on the
centre's construction and then on the athletes while they train
might provide a clue.

Bank bale outs, a formula one racing track, an entire new
capital city — Petronas has paid for them all. It's been an
orgy of nonsense that Malaysia can ill afford.

Why? Because Malaysia's oil will run out in about 19 years. As
it is, Malaysia will become a net oil importer in 2011 — that's
just five years away.

So it's in this context that the latest debate about race and
wealth is so sad.

It is time to move on, time to prepare the economy for life
after oil. But, like Nero fiddling while Rome burned, the
Malaysian Government is more interested in stunts like sending
a Malaysian into space when Malaysia's inadequate schools could
have done with the cash, and arguing about wealth distribution
using transparently ridiculous statistics.

That's not Malaysia "boleh", that's Malaysia "bodoh" (stupid).

email: michaelbackman@yahoo.com
http://www.michaelbackman.com

A Slice of Infinity

I really like "A Slice of Infinity," produced by Ravi Zacharias Ministries.

Can't reproduce the entire piece (IP), but these are the first 2 lines of the column for 11/15/2006)

"God is so often not the God we expect Him to be, and often it is shocking to discover it.  God comes near and offends our sense of understanding; He
affronts our categories and overturns our sense of familiarity.

I also really liked the column for 11/9/06, entitled "Where is the Wisdom."

crying

stole this from Uncle Paul's page

Away In A Manger
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Sometimes a simple Christmas carol can change a person's life.

One afternoon about a week before Christmas, my family of four piled into our minivan to run an errand, and this question came from a small voice in the back seat: "Dad," began my five-year-old son, Patrick, "how come I've never seen you cry?"

Just like that. No preamble. No warning. Surprised, I mumbled something about crying when he wasn't around, but I knew that Patrick had put his young finger on the largest obstacle to my own peace and contentment -- the dragon-filled moat separating me from the fullest human expression of joy, sadness and anger. Simply put, I could not cry.

I am scarcely the only man for whom this is true. We men have been conditioned to believe that stoicism is the embodiment of strength. We have traveled through life with stiff upper lips, secretly dying within.

For most of my adult life I have battled depression. Doctors have said much of my problem is physiological, and they have treated it with medication. But I know that my illness is also attributable to years of swallowing rage, sadness, even joy.

Strange as it seems, in this world where macho is everything, drunkenness and depression are safer ways for men to deal with feelings than tears. I could only hope the same debilitating
handicap would not be passed to the next generation.

So the following day when Patrick and I were in the van after playing at a park, I thanked him for his curiosity. Tears are a good thing, I told him, for boys and girls alike. Crying is God's
way of healing people when they're sad. "I'm glad you can cry whenever you're sad," I said. "Sometimes daddies have a harder time showing how they feel. Someday I hope to do better."

Patrick nodded. In truth, I held out little hope. But in the days before Christmas I prayed that somehow I could connect with the dusty core of my own emotions.

"I was wondering if Patrick would sing a verse of 'Away in a Manger' during the service on Christmas Eve," the church youth director asked in a message left on our answering machine.

My wife, Catherine, and I struggled to contain our excitement. Our son's first solo.

Catherine delicately broached the possibility, reminding Patrick how beautifully he sang, telling him how much fun it would be. Patrick himself seemed less convinced and frowned. "You know, Mom," he said, "sometimes when I have to do something important, I get
kind of scared."

Grownups feel that way too, he was assured, but the decision was left to him. His deliberations took only a few minutes.

"Okay," Patrick said. "I'll do it."

From the time he was an infant, Patrick has enjoyed an unusual passion for music. By age four he could pound out several bars of Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries on the piano.

For the next week Patrick practiced his stanza several times with his mother. A rehersal at the church went well. Still, I could only envision myself at age five, singing into a microphone before hundreds of people. When Christmas Eve arrived, my expectations were limited.

Catherine, our daughter Melanie and I sat with the congregation in darkness as a spotlight found my son, standing alone at the microphone. He was dressed in white, with a pair of angel wings.

Slowly, confidently, Patrick hit every note. As his voice washed over the people, he seemed a true angel, a true bestower of Christmas miracles.

There was eternity in Patrick's voice that night, a beauty rich enough to penetrate any reserve. At the sound of my son, heavy tears welled at the corners of my eyes.

His song was soon over, and the congregation applauded. Catherine brushed away tears. Melanie sobbed next to me.

After the service, I moved to congratulate Patrick, but he had more urgent priorities. "Mom," he said as his costume was stripped away, "I have to go to the bathroom."

As Patrick disappeared, the pastor wished me a Merry Christmas, but emotion choked off my reply. Outside the sanctuary I received congratulations from fellow church members.

I found my son as he emerged from the bathroom. "Patrick, I need to talk to you about something," I said, smiling. I took him by the hand and led him into a room where we could be alone. I knelt to his height and admired his young face, the large blue eyes, the dusting of freckles on his nose and cheeks, the dimple on one side.

He looked at my moist eyes quizzically.

"Patrick, do you remember when you asked me why you had never seen me cry?"

He nodded.

"Well, I'm crying now."

"Why, Dad?"

"Your singing was so wonderful it made me cry."

Patrick smiled proudly and flew into my arms.

"Sometimes," my son said into my shoulder, "life is so beautiful you have to cry."

Our moment together was over too soon. Untold treasures awaited our five-year-old beneath the tree at home, but I wasn't ready for the traditional plunge into Christmas just yet. I handed Catherine the keys and set off for the mile-long hike home.

The night was cold and crisp. I crossed a park and admired the full moon hanging low over a neighborhood brightly lit in the colors of the season. As I turned toward home, I met a car moving slowly down the street, a family taking in the area's Christmas lights. Someone
rolled down a window.

"Merry Christmas," a child's voice yelled out to me.

"Merry Christmas," I yelled back. And the tears began to flow all over again.

- Author Unknown

wealth

I am exhausted. My life is immeasurably richer than I could have chosen for myself.

But I am exhausted.

predictions

Sh*t has indeed hit the fan. Blind-sided kind of sh*t hitting the fan. Not able to talk about it, but boy, this week is fun, fun, fun. Persons X and Y are involved, but it also involves Person A and B.

Also, problem student has resurfaced, and that's it, I will not put up with that student's nonsense anymore. In general, the student has a very mistaken idea about college and its people, and how to treat people who work for colleges. That's annoying at best, but when there are all sorts of stuff going on already, the student's lack of respect and unreasonable requests does not help that student achieve what the student wants to achieve (which is a C in the class).

The student missed the appointment this morning, which was at 10:15am. I was there until 11:15 meeting with other students. The student writes at 2:04pm, asking me where I was, that said student was looking for me, and that said student was there within THE HOUR and missed the appointment because another appointment ran over time. Why is the student lying? And in any case, does the student think that all I have to do is sit there and wait for said student for an hour?? Please! If my profs are in their offices when they say they will be, I count myself lucky! I can't count on them to wait for me for more than 10 minutes at the most!!

These are the first 2 sentences of said student's most recent paper:

"The Magistrate has the common sense (pg 3) to view justice as a depository of conscientious motives; he is a sophisticated government official who has a collective awareness of what is appropriate moral behavior and uses those guidelines to live. His common sense connects to his conscience whereas his superiors who head the Empire have a collective common sense that is not reasonable. "

Lest you think my life is absolutely horrible (overwhelming, perhaps, but not horrible), I should confess that another house-member spent about an hour and a half last night trying to explain quantum mechanics, general relativity and black holes to me. That was pretty fun, actually.

BUT, we also do have the second-round admissions meeting scheduled for this Saturday, regular house-meeting on Sunday (followed by a film viewing I have to run for the class I teach), AND THEN, an emergency house-meeting on Monday night to discuss the debacle involving Persons X, Y, A, and B.

Hmmm, maybe my life is horrible, after all.

bleh

Okay, I guess I'm starting off the week feeling really grumpy.

Oh no, another new week

I am starting this week off tired . . . again! Tired, despite the fact that I procrastinated most of the weekend! Tired. Sigh.

But I guess it hasn't been an absolute waste of time. I'm tired because there has been a lot going on in the house, in terms of interpersonal relationships. At some points, I had to step up to be a friend to someone, and I'm glad that I could be there for those people. And in the past few days, there have been people (most from outside of Ithaka, but not all!) who have stepped up to affirm me, to comfort me, and to let me know that they're still thinking of me even though we're so far apart.:)

I won't start naming people because there are too many to thank.:) But I am truly truly grateful for the little ways people show that they're interested in my life and that they want to continue the friendship. My friendships with you (the plural "you") teaches me how to give, and it sustains me as I give to others.

So, I guess I'm dreading the new week, but not as much as I thought I would. :)

Biblical theology of the city

Read an interesting article by Tim Keller on the city as place sanctified for His works. Very challenging . . . disturbing because I don't like cities. :) I mean that I don't like living in cities, which is why I guess I've thrived in places like Lewiston and Ithaca (not really major cities, if you know what I mean). The works possible in and through cities though . . . lots to think through.

It's Not Me, REALLY!!!!

I understand how some folks can misinterpret my blog entries and think that my dilemma has to do with me and a guy, namely, K-gan, whose picture I deleted from an earlier entry. But really, I took down that picture because I didn't like how I looked in it!!! K-gan and I are still good friends, and we're NOT dating and we will NOT date in the future, EVER! I will have no problems if the question ever comes up, but I don't think the question will come up! We're just friends, and in fact, there are other people in our little circle of friends . . . Morgan and H-nok, especially.

I must say that I need more friends outside of T-ride though. Need some breathing room. :):)

Update on that worrying situation:

It has been resolved! Again, I was not one of the two people involved in that situation, I was merely a witness. What I was most worried about in that situation was that I would be put into the position of judge, and I do not want to be in that position.

I have no problems speaking my mind about how I want to live my life; I do wish I speak with more grace about it, but I have no problems there.

What I struggle with is telling other people how they should live their lives. I don't want to do that! I'm not sure I'm supposed to be doing that! I wouldn't mind if people gave me feedback on how to deal with that part.

The final thing I will say about that unnameable situation is that Person X walked away from the kind of relationship Person Y proposed, and I am very relieved. I'll be honest here and say I have very different views from Person Y, and I have a soft spot for Person X who is wonderfully sensitive, smart, gentle, and mature . . . but who is also very young, and can sometimes be very vulnerable. I'm glad Person X finally decided one way or the other.

And I'm also glad that Person Y isn't asking me what I think about it!!

request

Please ask for wisdom on my behalf. I think people may put me in a position of being judgmental, or to actually verbalize my ethical stance on a particular situation. I don't want to comment on how other people make their decisions or live their lives; but I will not lie if they ask me about what I think. So I'm just really hoping they don't ask me because I know that this particular person will not listen. It probably will not be a helpful or pleasant conversation. Please ask that I don't actually have that conversation!!

scary

Sometimes, I feel like I live in a madhouse. I guess I'm finding out that I'm more conservative than I thought I was. There are a few people . . . okay, pretty much everyone I've talked to about this thing that's freaking me out (which I will not mention because I'm paranoid) is also freaked out by it. So maybe we're all conservatives on that account.

It just seems SO wrong!!!

And even though theoretically--and in other situations besides this one--I'm able to say to myself, "alright, they live by different value systems. We're not here to judge, we're called to love beyond anything else." My instinct in this case is to run, and to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. Mind you, it isn't just based on this particular incident, but is true in other ways too. My instinct earlier was already to perhaps walk away slowly and unobtrusively, but now, it's just screaming RUN and damned be the consequences!!!

Let's just say that living in the Madhouse is . . . challenging, in many ways. I'm beginning to find out labels like "liberal" or "conservative" or "progressive" or "Christian" or "anything" no longer mean what I thought them to mean. Sometimes, they're pleasant surprises. Other times, I have to struggle really hard to keep my reactions to myself.

This is tough. Living in community is tough. Living with people who have very different value systems is tough. I'm sorry, I don't quite know how to work through this right now.

T-ride Formal Dinner

This is yet another post that reveals how much my life revolves around T-ride. Sigh.

The first picture is of me, H-nok (4th year PhD student in Development Sociology, Korea), and Huong (1st year MA in Public Administration, previously worked for the World Bank for 10 years before coming here, Vietnam). Huong says working for the World Bank was like a holiday compared to graduate school. These two women are among my closest friends in the house.

And the second picture is of T-ride women and the other women who were guests at the formal dinner.

finally, pictures from stockholm

I've finally downloaded the pictures I took during my 4 day layover in Stockholm! Need to delete them from my computer so I have space for Friday's trip to the yurt, and Saturday night's formal dinner at T-ride.

You can view the other pictures at this link:
Stockholm album.

Password is: 123456

More thoughts on T-ride

Yes, I'm having a lovely time living in T-ride, and it really feels like a family sometimes. K-gan (the guy on the left in the picture below) has adopted me as one of his older sisters; H-nok, a 4th year Korean grad student is his other older sister, and we're both also close friends. But I think we mostly think of each other as many cousins living in the same house. :) (28 of us this year, and 30 next year!)

It's not always fun and laughter though. Last Saturday, we had a preferment meeting where we decided to offer 4 spots to high-schoolers who completed the summer program, and put 8 of them on a wait-list. We began the meeting at 9am, and it was 10pm when we finally ended our meeting.

After that, some of us were really mad at some of us, and most people decided to have a party and have a few drinks to restore general goodwill and harmony in the house. Me included. I didn't drink that much, but I certainly had to drink a bit to regain happy feelings toward a few people in the house!

It was a "closed meeting" so I'm not allowed to talk about what went on during the meeting; I'll just say that it was sometimes vicious and combative. Everyone was really tired and unproductive this week.

Tomorrow night, most of us will be going to an overnight trip to a nearby yurt for a light camping trip. It's an enclosed space that will be warm, plus we'll have sleeping bags so it's not going to be too rough. I didn't want to go at first because I was SO tired out after that super-long meeting last weekend that I thought I needed some time away from T-riders. But since most of my friends from the house are going, I decided last minute to go with them too. :) Can't have them bond without me!!

a couple of the T-ride boys

K-gan is on my right, and Calvin on my left. K-gan is a junior in the Marines, and is an Urban Planning major. Calvin is a senior in History. Calvin is the practical joker who tried to make me think I was crazy. :) :)

really??

Am I intimidating?? Do I have a laser stare?? No, really, am I a scary person??

We've been doing interviews all weekend with the 19 high-schoolers who are applying to the dorm/Cornell. The foundation that funds our dorm also funds summer programs for high-schoolers who are then able to apply to live in the dorm.

Apparently, one of the boys I interviewed said (not to me, to other ppl) that I intimidated him because every time he looked at me, my stare was unwavering and intense, and he could feel this "rush of kinetic energy" (??), and it completely intimidated him so he had to stop looking my way.

I thought that was really funny because I was actually a little bored in the interview and my mind was starting to wander a little so I was trying really hard to focus on him and look interested and engaged.

But apparently all I managed to do was look scary and weird.

falling in love

. . . not with one person, but with my entire dorm. :) We had a Talent Night Show tonight, and I was just blown away by all the different acts: a comedy "blues" act with guitar and trumpet, an avant-garde piece (nothing happened), readings of stories, guitar/singing, Latin-Israeli dance, funnyman/straightman acts, lip-syncs to "Goldfinger," Aretha Franklin and the Backstreet Boys . . . these kids were really great. I had so much fun watching them.

Living here has really brought to life a range of emotions that I never would've felt had I continued to live off-campus in a tiny apt the landlords of Ithaca keep around for impoverished graduate students. It really is a kind of falling in love; messiness and all. :)

beer-pong!

Okay, so this is how you play beer-pong:

Stand across a long-ish narrow table (does not need to be a ping-pong table) from the other player, and line large plastic cups on both ends of the table. I think you can arrange it anyhow you like, but preferably not just in line. more like:

x x x x x

x x x x

x x x

I think. I can't remember really. :p

Anyway.

You can bounce a ping-pong ball toward your opponents end, and if the ping-pong ball enters the cup, your opponent has to drink it. Now, this is where it's different from ping-pong. If you bounce the ball, your opponent can swat it away from the cup, so the goal is to get the ball in without bouncing it. Kinda like throwing it straight into the cup.

I guess you could make it a non-alcoholic game, but I think it's really fun only when your senses are impaired by alcohol--swiping balls or bouncing balls on tables becomes much more fun under those conditions.

NOTA BENE: I don't play this game because I don't really drink, and I hate beer.

Second childhood

Just saw Jet Li's "Fearless" at the theaters tonight . . . with a couple of undergrad guys from my dorm. I predict that in three months' time, my only friends will be fellow Telluriders. The movie was really fun (I love Jet Li! I love martial arts movies!) and I'm learning that Keegan and Keith are really sweet guys.

Keegan is in the Marines, and an Urban Planning major, while Keith is a mathematician and a jazz musician. Keegan is really, really into being a Marine, so I'm learning a little more about that, especially since we both like to eat lunch right at 11:30am (along with Michael). Keith is the chair of the committee we're both on, and is a bit of a joker. They're all really funny actually, but Keith and Calvin are the more "serious" jokers.

I feel like I'm in college again. They're playing beer-pong in the dining room later tonight, but I will not be playing beer-pong with them since I learned during my college days that I'm allergic to beer.

Oh yeah, we're on Fall Break so that's why I went to see a movie on a Sunday night. Haven't done any work, but will work hard starting tomorrow!

accidents and offices

Was trying to get paper towels in the bathroom in my dept building (see, it's dangerous for me to hang around there!), and my hand slipped from the dispenser handle, and I cut my middle finger on the metal edging. It isn't that bad, but I need to use a band aid and can't really put any pressure on the area, so typing is a little complicated.

Oh yes, and I now have two office spaces I can use! I share a large student office space with 3 other students in the Kahin Center (houses the Southeast Asian Program), and it has a very large window but walking back from the Center is scary at night because there's a stretch of road that has bushes and trees on both sides. You can't tell if anyone's hiding in those bushes. One side is a cemetery (very picturesque during the day), and the other side is the back lawns of a couple of frat houses.

Prof 2 is in the Asian American Studies Program, and they have a very small office that 3 profs share. All the profs have larger offices in their home departments (my prof has a very sunny office in the English dept) so they only use the tiny shared office to hold their weekly office hours. Anyway, Prof 2 got the administrator to give me the keys to that office so I can use it when none of the other profs are there.

I mostly need the space to work at night because Rockefeller Hall is located in the center of campus, the elevator in the building is locked at night (and I have a key to that too!), and the big doors to the fourth floor where the office is are also locked.

That way when I'm in the office, I feel very safe because only staff/faculty have building access. I've had a somewhat . . . "interesting" relationship with this prof in the past (Prof 2 from a prev post) but this year's it's been going really well, thankfully. Oh the little things that make grad students happy . . .

no turkey trip

Was accepted to present at a conference in Turkey this Nov, but finally told the organizers I wouldn't be able to go because:

-- the ticket for the 4-day conference would be $820.
-- travel time one way would be around 20 hrs.
-- I haven't actually written the conference paper, so it would force me to write something, but doing it under pressure might turn the paper into something I may not be able to use for my dissertation. And right now, the dissertation should be top priority.

I felt really sad about not being able to see Turkey but I'm also actually very relieved because now I can read, think, and write at a saner pace. Still . . . Turkey! Sounds like it would've been fun, but as a friend who is now a prof on the West Coast said, if I don't have the mental or physical capacity to enjoy the trip . . .

(FALL IS HERE. VERY BRISK AND CHILLY.)

quick answers

I sit in on weekly house meetings because I'm required to . . . I don't do it for fun!! I have to attend 80% of all meetings, including 1-hr public speaking sessions by house members (everyone presents once a year), 1-hr lectures by professors (about 7-8 of them this semester), interviews of applicants to the dorm, and the meetings in which we decide which applicants will be accepted to live in the dorm. And so on and so forth.

I will be going to Puebla, Mexico! Puebla is 7100 feet above sea level!

Some of my students are already improving!! One student went from a C- in her first paper to an A- in her second paper! Others are inching along, but at least they are inching forward. :)

are you a student?

When I entered the classroom today, one of my students raised his hand and asked: "Are you a student?" I kinda looked down at my clothes (sneakers, 3/4-length pants, ratty t-shirt, and fleece vest), laughed, and said, yes, I'm a fifth year PhD student. They started laughing and said things like, oh, we didn't think you were a student, we thought you were a professor.

Most freshmen students will call their grad student instructors "professor" because they can't tell the difference, and it's nice when that happens. :) That means I'm doing something right!

I usually don't have disciplinary problems in the classroom, so I'm quite happy to be more or less informal with them. But right after that conversation, they were still chatting when I wanted to start class, so I grabbed my library book and slammed it on the table really, really hard. That got their attention alright. :):)

travel dates

I just bought my plane ticket for winter break, and I leave NYC on Dec 4, and then depart from KL on Jan 11! I felt teary when I confirmed my KL-NYC departure date. But I'm thankful that I can even be home for that period of time.

Life here has continued to go well. I saw Prof 2 at a talk today, and we actually had a short, friendly, non-awkward conversation. My chair was a discussant at the talk so we didn't chat because I had to run off to meet a few of my over-anxious students who wanted me to look at their papers.

I will also be going to Mexico next April for the annual American Comparative Literature Association conference!!! Very excited about that!

chaos revisited

I can't wait to get home for winter break this year. Ithaca's been really good so far, but I'm beginning to feel a little tired now. I'm leaving this weekend for a badminton tournament in Rochester, so I have to finish a whole bunch of work before I leave.

And when I get back on Monday, my kids will be turning in their second paper, so I'll be grading, grading, grading again! Still, they've been wonderful in class so far. I got a bunch of interested, responsible, and engaged students this semester, so teaching is fun and exciting.

The house is reading applications by high-schoolers applying to Cornell, and to live in the house, so I have to finish reading 42 application packages by this Fri. I've gone through about half, and they're pretty much all really brilliant and interesting. They've all gone through the summer version of what Telluride House is during the academic year, so I'm not surprised at the strength of their writing. And they all seem to be really nice human beings too.

Anyway.

little steps

Just had a meeting with Prof No. 2 on my special committee (1 chair, 3 members), and am feeling really good about getting to work. Of course, I haven't actually done any work, but I did put out one of my ideas in our meeting, and Prof 2 thinks it might turn out to be a good way to get started.

Prof 2 also gave me a few tips on how to set daily writing routines, and even though Prof 2 made it clear that I can't actually choose not to do the writing, I'm okay with it and am glad that Prof 2 is invested in seeing me finish my project. And to think I began the semester intending to go it alone.

I'm actually excited about getting into the work again, isn't that surprising? I think it's also because Prof 2 helped me see it not as a huge monumental project, but as small bits of writing that does not have to be brilliant right away.

Well, it may not be brilliant at all, but I do have to finish this project. :)

Be It Resolved That . . . (BIRTs)

So far I don't think we've had a weekly house-meeting that ends in 2 hours. The first two weeks, our meetings were about 4 hours, and yesterday's meeting took three hours. What did we talk about for three hours?

Well, for TWO WHOLE HOURS, we talked about . . . magazines.

That's right. MAGAZINES. We debated which magazines we'll be buying for the house magazine rack. Magazines we can read while we're eating breakfast or midnight snacks. TWO HOURS.

I think we spent about 20 minutes on 3-4 other resolutions before coming to the last item which took up the rest of the meeting: GUITAR HERO.

GUITAR HERO, as I found out, is a computer game. We debated the merits of buying a computer game, and how it would foster social interaction in the house, and the academic vigors of studying how computer games are changing the terrain of human interaction.

The resolution narrowly passed, and the said computer game is on its way to our house.

See what happens when you give undergrads that much power? To find out more about the dorm I live in, please go to this website.

fat-dom

The chefs (one for weekdays, and one for weekends) who work in our dorm kitchen are pretty amazing cooks. The pseudo-Asian (usually Thai-ish) dishes aren't that great, but everything else turns out really yummy.

I'm trying not to eat so much, but apparently all house members put on weight during their tenure at the house.

Today for brunch we had sweet potato home fries, vegan tofu scrambled eggs, vegan peach pancakes, buckwheat blueberry pancakes, and melon coconut smoothies.

apropos, given my meeting yesterday with my advisor

09/6/06
The Work of Faith
Jill Carattini

There are days when I wonder what it would be like to be a physician or aphoto journalist or a designer of advertisements. But these are almostalways days when I feel like I'm not cutting it as a writer. There areprobably men and women who feel they are always capable of the task beforethem. There are probably those who never feel as though the demands ofvocation and their supply of talent are at odds. There are perhaps even those among us who work and never grow weary--despite result or outcome. But I suspect many of us feel otherwise. No one ever tells you on careerday that the glove may fit, but the work of your hands may still cause calluses.

Over Labor Day weekend, I was reading about the making of the tabernacle. The instructions given to Moses were explicit, and excellence was clearly expected. "The work of a skilled craftsman" was demanded for everythingfrom the curtains and the woodwork to the oil and the incense. Much ofthe book of Exodus reads like an employee manual or a progress report inwhich "every skilled person to whom the LORD has given skill and ability"labors to do the work and completes each task just as the LORD commanded.

In a moment of defeat, it might make us feel all the more inadequate. Thework of skilled craftsmen appears everywhere. "For the entrance to thetent, they made a curtain of blue, purple, and scarlet yarn and finelytwisted linen--the work of a fine embroiderer" (Exodus 36:37). "They madethe sacred anointing oil and the pure, fragrant incense--the work of aperfumer" (37:29). "They hammered out thin sheets of gold and cut strandsto be worked into the blue, purple, and scarlet yarn and fine linen--thework of a skilled craftsman" (39:3). Everything they set out toaccomplish was completed exactly as the LORD commanded. There is noindication that the labor was easy, but the craftsmen of Israel walkedaway from their work knowing they had done well.

Hopefully there are days when this can be said of the work of our ownhands--that we are craftsmen accomplishing what God would have us toaccomplish, men and women using the skills and abilities God has given forthe tasks He has placed before us. But chances are this isn't always thecase. We may very well labor with the skills God has given, and yet bewithout the affirmation of any sort of accomplishment. We may even walkaway with a sense of defeat, the fatigue of callused hands, or thecomplaint of unclear instruction. Perhaps for good reason, it is notalways his way to make clear the weight of our labor.

In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul insists, "For we are God's fellowworkers; you are God's field, God's building. By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds" (1 Corinthians3:9-10). Our work is undergirded by a builder whose plans we don't yet see. Nonetheless, we are called to build. It is reminiscent of the line in C.S. Lewis's Perelanda: "One never can see, or not till long afterwards, why any one was selected for any job. And when one does, it is usually some reason that leaves no room for vanity. Certainly, it is never for what the man himself would have regarded as his chief qualifications."

Standing before the completed tabernacle, Moses inspected the work and saw that they had done it just as the LORD had commanded. So he blessed them and then set to work himself. When Moses finished everything God had instructed of him and all the labor was finished on the tabernacle, the completed work of the skilled craftsmen was transfigured by the arrival ofGod's glory: "Then the cloud covered the Tent of Meeting, and the glory ofthe LORD filled the tabernacle" (Exodus 40:34). The work of our hands has no better end.

Jill Carattini is senior associate writer at Ravi Zacharias International Ministries in Atlanta, Georgia.

here we go, here we go again

The very first sentence of the very first student-paper I graded this semester:

"War is a final plight by cultures for the protection of theories and observances."

Help me.
Help me.
Help me.
Please.

Quotation from Emerging Scholars Network

"Thou, O Christ..., make us strong to overcome the desire to be wise and to be reputed wise by others as ignorant as ourselves."

-- A. W. Tozer, _The Knowledge of theHoly_ (1961)

here we go again

It's really funny. I had a pretty good first week in Ithaca, but now the stress and anxiety are slowly returning. I have a pretty good idea why, but I suppose I'll just have to keep struggling with all the negative feelings and the fears.

On a brighter note, dorm life has been time-consuming (very much so), but it's also been going well and the people in the house are really interesting to talk to and to observe.

Someone in my CF shared this post below, and I really enjoyed it:

He kept dragging his feet.

About this month last year I and a group of friends decided to set out to find success. My friends decided to set out immediately but I thought I should first spend sometime talking to My Lord about it.

"Jesus" I said "I want to be just like you. I want to do the extraordinary. I want to excel in all areas of my life. Lord I want to be a champion; I want to soar above the clouds of success. Lord I am really thinking big I want to be EVERYTHING you have planned for me to be. Lord Unleash the champion in me."

The Lord smiled as he looked at me. "Well done my child" he said "I am so glad you have chosen the highest calling of life and I am glad you have come to me for help. For I know the best way to get there. We will set off first thing tomorrow. Consider this your beginning my child, at first light tomorrow we begin.

I got myself ready that night. Sleep was the last thing on my mind. I kept imagining the great things I was going to accomplish. I could already see the best life had to offer, lined up in front of me to take up. One by one my mind accessed them. Then finally, I went to bed, anxious to start this high call.

The Lord kept his promise at first light he came to my door. I was eager to get started. I swung my backpack on my shoulder, fastened my boots and grabbed my torch just in case we would be out till late. We set out and my heart wouldn’t stop racing. I knew there was so much in store for me.

At times we walked side by side; at times the Lord carried me in his strong arms. But then during our walk I noticed there were several times my Lord slowed down, and so many times he wanted us to stop for a rest. At times I thought he was simply dragging his feet! He seemed more interested in showing me the scenery than getting to the place of success.

"My Lord," I finally cried "much faster," and as politely as I could I added "You know I can’t wait to get to this beautiful place." At times he did hurry at times he seemed to slow down even more! "Patience my child" he said "patience."

I tried to make the most of the journey and ask him about my assignments. "Lord, what will be my first assignment? I am sure there will be much to do." "Indeed my child" he replied "that is why your first assignment will be, to learn to trust."

"To trust?" I asked "What do you mean my Lord?" "When the toughest storms in life come at you," he replied "and the winds of life push your boat seemingly off course, I want you my child to trust that I am right beside you in the midst of the storms and that the wind blows at my command."

I grew sad, I thought about how far we had already come and how crucial this journey was at this point in my life "and yet he now tells me to simply trust!" I remembered how he was dragging his feet. I thought about my other friends and how they should have already attained success.

I was so deep in thought I didn’t realize, when my Lord picked me up to carry me again. "Lord" I finally said "is there anything else you would like me to do now?" "Yes my child" he said softly "right now I would like you too keep still."

"Keep still my Lord?!" I was furious. "But I thought I am going to get to do great works!" "My Lord" I said "then why did we set out if it was only to keep still? Lord I am so ready to work, look, I brought my tools! Lord I am so ready to push, so ready to pull. Lord I even brought my best boots! Why my Lord; why keep still when there is so much to do?"

"I know my child" he whispered, "I saw your tools and boots but right now please be still; I am carrying you through the den of lions where many of your friends lost their lives.

new laptop!

. . . But I prefer my old one! Dell was having a sale on laptops so I got my new one for $485 plus a free printer. However, the thing looks like it's from the stone age. I think it's supposed to be faster than my old one but my old laptop actually feels faster than this new one!!

Now I have to set it up with the software that my university uses for administrative things. Don't have all my fave websites either, but I suppose I'll build all that up again.

But no complaints! It's nice having my own computer again. Trying to use the dorm's public computers has been a pain. Apparently most ppl here have computers, but many of them like to use the public ones. Haven't actually started writing yet, but will soon. Am waiting for the building manager to put in a large bookshelf in the office space I share with 3 other students so I can arrange my books.

I start teaching on Monday!

and hello!

Waiting for the secretary of my dept to open up the office, so decided to waste some time.:)

Got in this morning at about 2am, and slept only a couple of hours before getting up and trying to arrange my stuff. Being back here feels really strange. It's as if all that time back home never happened at all, and I just jumped through time and appeared in the future. You can't escape Cornell.

Had a pretty good time in Stockholm, but haven't figured out how I'm going to download and save pictures from my memory card now that I don't have my laptop with me. I had a safe trip, although I do have a few funny stories . . . but I can't seem to remember them now . . . maybe it's the jet lag.

Oh yes, on the journey from KL-Stockholm, I got bumped up into business class!!!!!!! That was very, very exciting because the chairs turned into flat beds!! I actually slept a little and did not spend time wishing I was dead.

bye bye

I'm off in a few hrs! Have to send off some comments on a friend's dissertation (long-promised, but been procrastinating, what else) and I have to finish packing!! Not supposed to sleep the entire night so I can sleep on the plane. When I get to Stockholm it'll be afternoon, so I want to be up and about and not crashing in my hotel room.

The latest restrictions on luggage and carry-on's have made me decide to leave my laptop in Malaysia (complicated story) since I'll be away for 3.5 months before coming back for a film conference and for Christmas hols.

I will miss my laptop!! Will have to haunt the campus computer dorms since I'm supposed to write A LOT this semester. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

here we go again

Leaving in two days. Butterflies in tummy. Feel awful. This doesn't get easier with time.

Can't imagine how much worse it'd be if I weren't coming back again December (for a conference in KL).

Much to look forward to in Ithaca (old friends, to be specific), but it still kinda sucks.

repetition

I know it's a small thing to be miffed about . . . but do you have friends who seem to have no recollection of certain kinds of conversations even though you've had those conversations at least twice? If I remember telling X about a certain thing, shouldn't X remember that certain thing? Kinda makes me feel like that person wasn't really listening in the first place anyway.

This is why I'm the kind of person who has many acquantainces and few friends.

neverending . . .

I still have coughing fits!!!! It's been over 2 weeks now!!!!!!

My mother thinks I need fish oil . . . She force-fed fish oil to me when I was a kid . . . until the day I threw up 2 seconds after she forced one big yucky, gross, disgusting spoonful down my throat.

I hate fish oil. And besides, it's cruel to the fish. Why deprive fish of their oil? Such evil does not become me. I'll just keep on coughing.

After chatting with a friend over MSN, I realized that I've been sick about 6 times since coming back in January, and every time I'm sick, I'm sick for 10 days, which means I've been sick for SIXTY (60) days of my time at home!!!!!!!!!!

My friend thinks it's the pollution here. Sigh.

Faith and immigrants

This article challenges us to live out our faith politically and socially. I'm still struggling with coming to terms with such issues esp in relation to some of our Southeast Asian neighbors. Of course, the issue is more complicated than I'm giving it credit for in this posting.

But the fact remains that Christ calls us to welcome the strangers among us.

Thanks again to Sivin for the link to the website where the article comes from!

living in tension

Two people (who don't know one another)reminded me within days of each other that our lives will probably never be free from tension. That we will be torn between passions, needs, or circumstances is not unusual, and it'll probably be the case most of the time.

They were really helpful.

Thanks Sivin for the sex and cash theory!

What we can do (re UPM incident)

MALAYSIA YOUTH AND STUDENTS DEMOCRATIC MOVEMENT (DEMA)
Add: 3, Jln 5/58, Tmn Gasing Indah, 46000 Petaling Jaya, Selangor.
Tel / Fax: 03-77839525 Email:demamalaysia@gmail.com

Anda boleh menghubungi orang-orang berikut untuk memberi tekanan kepada
mereka untuk menghentikan sebarang penindasan dalam kampus.

1. Major Feisal bin Awang (019-2218548)
Head of UPM Security Department
Security Department UPM
43400 UPM Serdang.
Tel : 03-8946 6114 / 8946 6116Faks : 03-8943 3468

1. Prof. Dr. Nik Mustapha bin R. Abdullah
Naib Canselor UPM
Pejabat Naib Canselor, Canseleri
UPM43400 UPM Serdang.
Tel : 03-8946 6001/ 8946 6002/ 8948 6888Faks : 03-8948 3244
Emel : nc@putra.upm.edu.my

1. YB Dato' Mustapa bin Mohamed
Minister of Higher Education
Ministry of Higher EducationBlok E3, Parcel E,
* *Pusat Pentadbiran Kerajaan Persekutuan,
62505 Putrajaya.
Tel : 03-8883 5000Faks : 03-8889 3921 Emel :webmasterkpt@mohe.gov.my

Kami juga meminta anda melapor polis terhadap kes-kes penindasan di kampusUPM yang berlaku dalam beberapa minggu tersebut.Untuk maklumat selanjutnya, anda boleh menghubungi Lee Huat Seng,019-3471016.

Yang benar,
Lee Huat Seng
Secretary of International Affairs
Malaysian Youth and Students Democratic Movement(DEMA)

Lua Khang Wei
Pengerusi
Gabungan Anak Muda dan Pelajar, JERIT(GAMP)

*Contoh Surat**

HENTIKAN TINDAKAN MEMBULI DAN MENGASARI AHLI GERAKAN MAHASISWA MAJU,UNIVERSITI PUTRA MALAYSIA OLEH KUMPULAN ASPIRASI UNIVERSITI PUTRA MALAYSIADENGAN SOKONGAN PIHAK JABATAN KESELAMATAN UNIVERSITI PUTRA MALAYSIA

** *Kami/ Saya daripada ____________________ membantah tindakan pihak KumpulanAspirasi UPM dan Jabatan Keselamatan yang membuli dan mengancam keselamatan mahasiswa dari Gerakan Mahasiswa Maju, UPM. Kami dimaklumkan, bahawa beberapa mahasiswa dari Gerakan Mahasiswa Maju( GMM) , Universiti PutraMalaysia (UPM) telah dikasari dan diancam keselamatan oleh pihak KumpulanAspirasi UPM dan juga tindakan ini dibenarkan oleh Jabatan KeselamatanUniversiti Putra Malaysia. Kami berpendapat dua tindakan ini iaitu membulidan mengasari ahli Gerakan Mahasiswa Maju adalah satu tindakan jenayah dan menyalahi undang-undang. Kami dimaklumkan, pada 17/7/06 (Isnin), lebih kurang jam 6.30pm . beberapa pelajar Gerakan Mahasiswa Maju UPM (GMMUPM) telah membuka KaunterPerkhidmatan Perkhidmatan Pelajar di kafeteria Kolej 12 ,UPM , untuk membantu mahasiswa terutamanya mahasiswa baru dalam apa-apa masalah yang dihadapi oleh mereka sama ada di sekitar kawasan UPM ataupun kolej kediaman mereka.

Kami berpendapat khidmat dan usaha yang cuba dilakukan oleh mahasiswa ini kepada mahasiswa baru adalah sesuatu yang patut diberi galakandan sokongan tetapi sedihnya pada jam lebih kurang 7.00 pm, lebih 50 orangpelajar yang dikenali sebagai ahli Kumpulan Aspirasi, UPM dikatakan telah mengepung 7 orang ahli Gerakan Mahasiswa Maju , UPM. Kumpulan pelajar tersebut dikatakan diketuai oleh Eddy Azuan (nombor matrik: 121896). Kumpulan pelajar tersebut dikatakan berkelakuan seperti samseng. Mereka menjerit dengan kuat dan menghentak meja dengan kuat dan kasar.Mereka merampas risalah serta menghalau ahli Gerakan MahasiswaMaju, UPM dan meminta mereka beredar dari situ dalam tempoh masa 10 minit. Apabila ahli GMM tidak beredar dari situ, kumpulan Aspirasi ini menarik kerusi dan mejayang menyebabkan ahli GMM terjatuh. Pelajar samseng itu juga menolak dan mengasari ahli GMM, UPM .

Seorang pemberita daripada Merdekareview.comtelah diteriak di tepi telinga dengan kuat, ditolak, dirampas pen dan kameranya telah rosak ketika dirampas oleh kumpulan pelajar samseng. Segelintir pelajar samseng telah bertindak dengan kelakuan tidak senonoh terhadap pelajar perempuan GMMUPM. Apabila insiden ini semua berlaku, pegawai keselamatan UPM dikatakan tidak membuat apa- apa walaupun bantuan telah diminta.

Maka pihak pelajar terpaksa menelefon polis untuk menyelamatkan keadaan. Insiden ini jelas menunjukkan bahawa tindakan kumpulan Aspirasi ini dibuat dengan sokongan Jabatan Keselamatan UPM. Insiden 17/7/2006 bukannya insiden pertama ahli GMM, UPM dibuli dan dikasari dikawasan UPM. Pada 11/7/2006 pun mereka telah dikasari oleh kumpulan yang sama dibantu dengan Pegawai Jabatan Keselamatan UPM. Kami/ saya ___________________________________ menuntut, pihak universiti memberhentikan tindakan membuli dan mengasari mahasiswa GMM, UPM. Tindakan mengancam keselamatan pelajar adalah satu tindakan jenayah. Pihak Universiti harusnya memastikan pelajar universiti dapat bergerak dan membuat aktiviti mereka dengan bebas. Adalah menjadi tanggungjawab pihak universiti untuk menjaga keselamatan mahasiwa bukannya mengancam mereka. Kami juga menuntut pelajar kumpulan Aspirasi Universiti yang terlibat dalam insiden ini diambil tindakan.

Yang benar,* ** (Nama) *

how to suppress discussions on racism

This made me laugh, but it also made me angry . . . simply because it happens.

heckling at UPM

Really disturbing incident.

Details at:
http://www.sun2surf.com/article.cfm?id=14837
http://blog.limkitsiang.com/?p=609

Check out the video at:
http://www.merdekareview.com/movie_show.php?sid=2

Still, our response should be that of love, grace, and multiple kindnessess. But first, hide-away and deal with the fear, anger, and sorrows . . . :)

Received emails from Malay friends who were flabbergasted and disgusted by what they saw in the video; that helped too.:)

UPM was also the university that implemented the hugely controversial Ethnic Relations Course--controversial because of its bias and inaccuracy. The textbook has been withdrawn, and a new committee consisting of key Malaysian historians and other academics will draw up a new "guide book." See this blog for more info.

power and control

Nope, I'm not in an abusive relationship, but I came across this image and thought it would be a good reminder of what constitutes as "abuse."

I was actually going to blog about why I hate being sick and was searching for an image to go with the entry when I found the Power and Control Wheel. Click on the image to enlarge. Most women's centers and counselors should have a copy of this.

Blogging about a miserable cold now will just be too anticlimactic. Oh well, next time, I guess. Hopefully I will fall sick only 6 months from now . . . that doesn't sound likely given my current track record of one cold every 4-5 weeks, and with the onset of The Haze, that rate might actually increase.

But given all the different things that are going around the world, my life is a life of privilege. (I always remind myself of that, and sometimes it makes me feel better in a kind of perverse way . . . . Should thinking about others' miseries help us feel better about our joys???)

koff koff koff . . . HAAAAACCCCKKKK

I am sick again. I am so sick of being sick!! The humidity must be harboring all the cold germs and keeping them alive beyond their use-by date. Anyone with a replacement respiratory system, let me know. I'll buy it off you.

Psalms Twister

Sounds like a great game!! Wanna play?

read the news?

Horrible news coming out from the Middle East and West Asia. Don't understand war, and can't see myself ever agreeing that a war should be started.

News currently surfacing on sexual terrorism also turns my stomach. Maybe soldiers should be c_str_t_d before they're sent to fight . . . or maybe the people who send soldiers into battle should be c_str_t_d . . .

bleaagh.

Departure Date Confirmed!

Leaving Kuala Lumpur, Aug 14, 8:50am.

(4-day stopover at Stockholm)

Arriving New York City, Aug 17, 7pm.

P & R

A couple of my friends got married yesterday (to one another), and the ceremonies went really well. The schedule was crazy:

6am: I got a cryptic sms from the bride asking me to bring sweets . . . I thought that there was some obscure Chinese custom we had to follow and panicked because I couldn't imagine going out to buy nice candy that early in the morning. It turns out she just wanted me to bring mints along for the day so she and the groom wouldn't get bad breath. They didn't get bad breath.

8:30am: After a few calls to the groom's party asking them NOT arrive at the bride's house on time because we were late preparing their breakfast (bittergourd jelly, wasabi vanilla ice-cream, apple-cider shots, and multiple-sugars cocktail), and random other latenessess. The groom succeeded in "liberating" the bride from her "exile," (as he called it) and the tea ceremonies at both bride's and groom's houses went off well.

11:40am: I managed to walk down the aisle (as bridesmaid) without tripping. Haha! I broke my chiropractor's rule and wore high heels (that weren't that high) to walk down, but immediately took them off when I got to my pew seat. No one stood up to object to the marriage, vows were recited, and the bride was kissed.

about 2pm: After final photo sessions, the bridal party finally went down for some lunch (the yummy pasta was all gone--it was apparently delicious) . . . had two bites and then noticed that the bride was going round mingling, so i went to help her with her dress, and then discovered that the organizing committee was tussling with a problem and went up to help but of course, I wasn't much help.

4:30pm: We finally got to the hotel after a belated quick lunch at the groom's house, and a battle against pollen smears (we lost). Showered and managed to rest for a bit before I went to the bridal suite to keep the bride company while the make-up artist fixed her hair and make-up for the dinner. Hand-fed the bride a banana while she fielded last minute organizational calls.

8pm: After much impatient waiting about by the bride, she finally made her grand entrance to the dinner.:):) Everything went really well; everyone looked beautiful and happy. The photographers got together a slide show of pictures from the day's events, and they were amazing--really the best wedding pictures I've seen.

1:30am: Finally got home, but after-party celebrations ended only at about 3:30am.

Too tired to write anymore now. Get details from the others.

Today: I actually woke up in time for church. The new wife is now down with a sore throat and cold, and I think I caught it too. How many did she infect last night during her rounds of toasting, kissing, and hugging??

What I liked best about the day was being able to watch how the bride enjoyed her day. She was so joyful, and radiant, and excited (I don't think I've ever seen her that excited!!), and bubbly, and beautiful. I'm so glad to have been part of their day, I really am.

. . . especially after all that angst about having to dress-up and put make-up on . . . it really was worth it. :):):)

random lists

Got this off Uncle Paul's site. More procrastination . . . (clap clap clap!)

AWESOME PEOPLE I WANNA TO MEET:

1. Martin Luther King Jr.
2. GK Chesterton
3. Dato' Onn bin Jaafar
4. Bailey and Dr Yang from Grey's Anatomy
5. Johnny Depp


THINGS I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT:

1. Broadband internet (that's connected to my laptop, of course!)
2. Badminton gear and regular games (with good ppl, hehehe)
3. GOOD FOOD, preferably Asian (if I really had to choose . . . bak kut teh, I think)
4. A good library (Cornell has over 7 million volumes! and there's inter-library loan!)
5. In KL, a car; in Ithaca, a cell-phone


I WISH I COULD:

1. Speak without fear, but also with grace and gentleness
2. Remember jokes and funny stories
3. Make a decision quickly and without agonizing over every possible outcome
4. Understand Derrida or Hegel or Kant on the first quick read (but I actually like Uncle Paul's "Understand everything I read!" . . . I just didn't want to copy him!)
5. Play (and win!) at international-level badminton tournaments


I WANT:

1. A job that pays decently, has high job satisfaction, but isn't too stressful and time-consuming 2. To be able to choose not to work :):)
3. To be able to sleep through the night without waking up even once
4. An environmentally-friendly vehicle that never breaks down and self-upgrades, and that will take me anywhere I want over land, water, and sky.
5. A multi-billionaire's home and playground (along with the maintenance crew) so I can invite friends over for holidays.


SONGS THAT I THINK ARE AWESOME:

1. Any song by Stuart Townend
2. "Held," Natalie Grant
3. "Complete," Parachute Band
4. "Hear Us from Heaven," Vertical Worship
5. "You are Holy (Prince of Peace)," Marc Imboden


HOW I SEE MYSELF IN 10 YEARS:

1. I have a super-straight back and don't feel muscle fatigue AT ALL (unlike now)
2. I will have stopped moving house every year (hopefully because I have my own apt!!)
3. Spending some time at Regent?
4. Only a little less fit than I am right now???
5. Still reading books . . . .


RANDOM FACTS:

1. I am unable to learn how to dance. Don't offer to teach me; I'm telling you, I can't dance.
2. Despite having a fear of heights, I've gone downhill skiing, snowboarding, wall-climbing, and sitting on a piece of cardboard, I've slid down a very, very, very high sand-dune (wiped out halfway and ended up with sand in every uncovered orifice). I will never go bungee-jumping.
3. I once liked the color blue--nearly every item of clothing I owned then was some shade of blue.
4. I love pulut hitam, and don't much care for red bean soup.
5. Long-term exposure to cats makes me sneeze violently and uncontrollably.


MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT ME:

1. I like to write.
The Truth: I hate writing. The process is difficult, torturous, and time-consuming. I think people who like to write need to have their heads examined.

2. I am really lazy.
The Truth: It's true most of the time, but not all the time.:)

3. I am a workaholic.
The Truth: I was a workaholic.

4. I don't like men (I know one guy who actually thought that, but it was him I didn't like)
The Truth: Some of the people I trust the most are guys, and I always have great guy friends around. I must admit I'm very impatient with certain kinds of guys though (e.g. those who think they are God's gift to mankind, and those who think women have been created lesser beings).

5. I want to have a high-flying career and be super-successful.
The Truth: This is the biggest misconception of all. I just want a quiet, easy life. I don't like the pressures of having to "make it" (whatever that means!) and be seen as someone well-known or powerful. I really, really, really don't care about that kind of stuff at all.

Jude

I am in a chaos of principles--groping in the dark--acting by instinct and not after example. Eight or nine years ago when I came here first, I had a neat stock of fixed opinions, but they dropped away one by one; and the further I get the less sure I am. I doubt if I have anything more for my present rule of life than following inclinations which do me and nobody else any harm, and actually give pleasure to those I love best. There, gentlemen, since you wanted to know how I was getting on, I have told you. Much good may it do you! I cannot explain further here. I perceive there is something wrong somewhere in our social formulas: what it is can only be discovered by men or women with greater insight than mine--if, indeed, they ever discover it--at least in our time. "For who knoweth what is good for man in this life?--and who can tell a man what shall be after him under the sun?"

Jude the Obscure, Thomas Hardy.

Back health

I will be glad to see my chiropractor when I get back to Ithaca. Don't get me wrong, I've been feeling pretty good since my last visit (right before I left town), and having a gym routine that works out my core and the muscles along the spine has been wonderful.

But I know I'll feel better after an adjustment. Actually, my jaw kinda hurts when I open it wide and YES, having my spine adjusted will help with that! Only the uninitiated would doubt it.:)

The whole deal sounds kinda kooky, but so far so good! My friends tell me that I sound like I've joined a cult of some sort whenever I talk about how my chiropractor has helped me. I agree! I'm just so glad I found them when I did, and I'm really glad that I stuck with the treatment, even if it means sitting up straight and carrying cushions around with me all the time. I haven't sat in a couch or a soft chair in over a year and a half.

Doing all the weird things Pierre tells me to do is easy . . . putting up with all the teasing I get is the tough part! Nowadays, it's just easier to tell people I have a really bad back, which is a kind of a lie since my spine is a hundred times better now. :)

Batman!

Saw this quiz on a friend's site and thought it sounded like a lot of fun!

Unfortunately, my friend scored highest as both Neo from the Matrix AND Batman, while I scored Batman AND MAximus (who's he??). The quiz-maker had seriously dubious methodology. But it was still fun. :) :)

Spiderman's my favorite superhero, I think, followed very closely by Batman. The quiz-maker put Capt Jack Sparrow as a superhero too, which sounds a little odd to me, but once I get used to the idea, he'll definitely supplant the Dark Knight and the web-swinger. Johnny Depp is way cool.

Tupper Lake!

Some folks from CICF are planning another canoeing/camping trip for Sept 2-4! See my earliest blog entries for pictures and stories from last year's trip.

I hope this year we won't have to paddle for 6-7 hours before finding a campsite!!!!!! Cold weather comes pretty early to the northeast and the nights were pretty chilly the last time.

Monkey Business

I live in an upper unit "townhouse" so we don't really have a proper backyard, but there's a little strip of greenland out at the back that's slowly being eroded. If you know what you're looking for, you can see some of the remaining wild monkeys sitting on the branches in the pictures. I could only get one clear picture of a monkey clambering off my neighbor's back window.

Two years ago, you could see the whole tribe (or band??) of monkeys playing and swinging from tree to tree, but now there's hardly a baby monkey among the few monkeys that still visit these trees.