unexpected friendships

This morning, I had a goodbye breakfast with K, a senior prof in polit_c_l the_ry whose office is in my dept because she also teaches there and in _nglish. My time here has been really wonderful for all sorts of reasons and I've particularly enjoyed meeting up with old friends and making new ones. My friendship with K has been the most surprising though, mostly because of differences in rank, age, and personality.

And it is true that K might not have had the time to talk to me or share meals if she had a partner and/or kids but it is also true that she spends a great deal of time working--by choice--and she generously made space for me in her busy schedule. Friendships can only grow if you make time for one another (can't remember who said it) and I'm glad that we had offices on the same floor, or we wouldn't have become friends. You can't really ignore someone when you're the only two people on the floor at 9pm.

I'm always anxious before I hang out with someone, even if I've been friends with that person for years. But I think I'm getting better at living with that short time of anxiety. Anxiety is an emotion and emotions come and go, as Wai, my therapist at C_rnell would say. ;)

Anyway, I brought this up because K gave me tips about what to do or not do when preparing to lecture--I've only taught small, discussion-based seminars--and at the end of that conversation, she said, "Oh, and one more thing. Don't be afraid to fail."

I looked up at her and said, "It's funny you said that. When I first started this postdoc, one of my goals was to learn to allow myself to fail!" Then, I looked back down and continued scribbling on my napkin. She muttered something I didn't quite catch and she didn't want to repeat it at first, but finally she said, "I said, 'I am not stupid.'"

I pretended not to understand because I was starting to tear up. To be known is a wonderful feeling and that must be how God intended our relationships to be. To be known by old friends is the best thing about keeping up friendships over the years. To be known by new friends is . . . . well, good, but a little scary too, in a way.

Most of my packing is done now although I have more to do later tonight after I've done my final load of laundry. I hope with all my heart that everything will fit in my bags and that I won't have anymore surprises. Canceling out on the M_A conference earlier this week was a really good decision because I got to rest and pack at a leisurely pace. I would've liked to see my friends there but I think my body would have collapsed from exhaustion. I'm pretty much done with the syllabi for my new classes too, so that is a relief.

Probably won't be online much tomorrow so this will likely be my last post from here! My flight leaves on Jan 1, 12:05am.

blessings for the journey

My small group prayed for me last night and it calmed my anxieties about the upcoming move. It's good to be reminded that the work of Christ in our lives is what's most important. And it was also good to receive affirmation of my witness during my time with them although I'm mindful of how much more work remains to be done in my life and my character.

I am closer to those who were also part of the group last year but there are more people this year whom I haven't really gotten to know and they don't really know me well either so it was very powerful to hear these words from them because they clearly weren't speaking from their knowledge of who I am and what I usually struggle with. These are a few visions, either in images and words of exhortation, that a few in the group received:

• An image of me sliding down a water-slide, holding up my arms in glee.
• Confidence--that I am well-prepared to do my job. (This was really powerful as I've been worried about my syllabi and class prep.)
• An image of Christ in HK, but then that image shifts back to Christ with me in the here and now as well.
  

Some of my friends and mentors think that religion assuages our indignation over injustice or it relieves fears and comforts us in our loss. And all that is true, but my time with my small group last night reminded me precisely that Christ has called us to be salt and light, and that we are to love as He loves wherever we find ourselves.

My work is important and I'm glad for it and I believe that the work I do will be to God's glory--at least that is my fervent prayer!!--but it is all that only insofar as it remains off-centered.

mixed bag

Well, the friend who was originally going to buy my car said the bank offered him a loan with better rates, so now we are going through with the deal after all. Even if that didn't happen, friend C knew someone who was very interested. I am very thankful and glad that it's all working out.

Worked in the morning on Saturday and then went to the Messiah Sing-a-long at Disney Hall this weekend and that was fantastic but my body collapsed again on Sunday. Spent it watching TV on the couch. Long week ahead. Hope to be productive. Then flying to PA for a conference, then back for two days before taking off. Oh my, oh my, oh my.

Good sermon on how truth and grace go together, in a reading of Paul's and Silas's imprisonment.

another cool sermon (on the first 22 verses of the book of Ruth)

I need to take deep breaths. DEEP BREATHS. deep breaths. Deep BREATHS. breathe. breath. BREATH. BREATHE. breathe. Breathe. breathe.

What's funny is that I've been listening to sermons online thanks to a friend's recommendation and now is the time to practice what I've learned. I really like her former pastor's sermons because they are so learned and they bring the biblical texts to life. Who says education's boring????

Click on E_rl P_lmer's sermons on this site. I've especially enjoyed his series on advent. Just yesterday, I prayed that I would find joy--its etymological root is "surprise"--this Christmas because thus far, I've been worrying more about my upcoming move than preparing to remember Christmas. And late last night, my friend who was pretty sure that he was going to buy my car from me told me that he couldn't get a loan and now I have to find a different buyer. Lord, this wasn't the surprise I had in mind!!!

It seems like such a small thing but I became so much more anxious than I want to be and I don't know why I let this get to me!!!!!!!

On the upside, I'm finally getting over my cold, I think, and hopefully, very soon, I'll be able to dive back into the mountain of work that I need to finish before Christmas. (It would help not to worry, z, it really would.)

sick again

I thought my cold this time was rather mild but after four days, my cough wasn't getting better and the over-the-counter cough suppressant wasn't helping, so I decided to go to a Chinese doctor. I'd been before and while the herbal meds worked great, it was also EXPENSIVE because it's not covered by insurance. So I was planning on not going back but then I woke up this morning and still felt bad and decided to bite the bullet and pay through the nose for bad-tasting herbs that nevertheless are really effective. Here are the herbs that I had to boil.

very busy week = finished teaching! met with students! some of them multiple times! meeting up with friends because they are leaving town before i leave town! trying to read but failing!

I think extroverts forget how they have an edge in fields where one has to talk a lot. I enjoy meeting with students and meeting with friends but after that, I'm exhausted and unable to do anything else.

accumulated spiritual lessons over the past few months or so

1. At the beginning of the fall last year, God said, "Trust Me."
2. I asked for healing from fear and I have been healed somewhat. Quite a bit actually, except that I'm constantly worrying over the current or upcoming challenge that I often forget how far I've come. I still have a fear of public speaking. :)
3. This past summer, I asked God to show me if I can write at a high level; if I can't, I need to look for a different job because academia is probably not for me. What I learned this past year was that I am dependent upon God for the daily progress I make in my work. For now, at least, I will remain in academia (mostly because I have a job for at least the next three years!).
4. I've come to see that God brought healing into my life even before I knew how to ask for it.
5. I need to live as if I will never go hungry again because God will never stop loving me.
   
6. A lesson on pedagogy that I learned from J. Y. during his visit: "First, tell them what they want to hear. Then, tell them what God wants them to hear." The challenge comes after comfort.
7. If I remain in Christ, I will give out of my fullness.
8. I've been introduced to the pleasure and awe that comes from seeing how God works in the lives of others, especially old friends. It is a privilege to walk with friends and to know them well enough to notice the changes in their character. I suspect that this will be one of the more valuable blessings of growing old and I hope that others will be blessed in this way too.
9. I want to have a spiritual mentor who is physically in the same place as I am. And I want to learn how to be a mentor myself. (The latter really scares me though.)
10. I want to trust that God is sovereign and that He is good.
    

more growing up

Kids are free to say "I don't want to friend you!" if they don't like someone and they are free to pout and turn away. Adults can't get away with that but it is also true that the older we get, the more likely we are to accept and be more generous to those who are different from us and that is a mark of maturity.

But then there are some people who make me feel conflicted because I don't how to interpret their actions toward me. Some people are nice to me because . . . . well, I don't know why. Well, sometimes I think they are nice to me because I have a car and they want me to drive all of us to this or that social event! Sometimes I think they are nice to me because . . . it somehow fits in with their sense of self and has little to do with who I am. Sometimes I think they are nice because they see it as part of what it means to be in a professional relationship. But I get confused because we are all "friends" as well, and not just colleagues.

I don't know how to react to people who are nice to me out of a sense of duty. And that only increases my cognitive dissonance because I am also nice to people out of a sense of duty. First, because it just takes too much energy to dislike someone, and second, because well, I've been given so many chances to grow and change that it would be uncharitable of me if I didn't extend the same grace to others.

But it doesn't change the fact that there are some people whose judgment I don't trust, and frankly, I don't trust that they want the best for me. I know that those with my personality type (INTJ) are naturally skeptical and that I should learn to trust others more and let them into my life. But I've also learned that I often have very good instincts and being guarded has its advantages. (I am still committed to learn how to take risks though.)

I don't know how to resolve this conundrum. On the one hand, I want to be nice and act out of grace. But on the other hand, I can't pretend to respect people I don't trust either.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, "The Cost of Discipleship"

"To deny oneself is to be aware only of Christ and no more of self, to see only him who goes before and no more the road which is too hard for us. Once more, all that self-denial can say is: 'He leads the way, keep close to him'" (88).

tired still

One of the other postdocs just got diagnosed as hypo-thyroid and that explains why he's always so tired. I bet I don't have hypo-thyroid but so what's my excuse then?????

Score!

I've gotten started on some some of the prep work that I have to do before I start teaching in my new institution and so far, my new boss seems to like what she sees.

That feels good . . . .

great weekend!

Had a lovely time at the charity walk, then lunch with folks from church, then a trip to a new Korean spa that was offering a discount, then an improv show, and finally dinner. Best Saturday EVER!! More new pictures on FB.

I hate it when people shame me. And perhaps I need to think about how not to feel ashamed in those moments, regardless of what they intend or don't intend.

(And I hope I don't shame others.)

no disasters recently

Everything has been going fine and my life seems to be smooth-sailing so I really should feel happier than I'm feeling now. Sigh. Well. I was really happy on Friday because I had a few small professional victories. And I did some light reading on Saturday, and then took my Sabbath. So why the Monday blahs???????? This just ain't right.

Anyway. New pics up on FB.

Worth reading all the way through.

friend visit over

We had a really lovely time. I like hosting. I like meeting up with old friends. I learned a lot these past couple of days. Need to write about it soon.

But I'm just exhausted and I need to grade and then rest tonight because I haven't been writing for a few weeks now so I am determined to get some writing done this weekend.

blahs again

I now expect to feel low the week after I finish a major project, so last week's fatigue was par for the course as the seminar presentation was a pretty significant piece of work and then I was sick with a bad cold as well. But I'm starting off this week still tired out and I have to grade student papers this week as well as try to to do my own work, and host a friend who's visiting from out of town. My life really could be worse, except that I need to work on my public voice because next week, we have another seminar with a couple of big names in political theory and it will be very odd if I don't ask a question or perform in some way. It will look odd because our guest speaker from Chicago will be speaking about race and I'm the only postdoc in the group who works explicitly on race. After SMS's lecture last week, I know she'll be watching to see if I'm going to open my mouth and not just speak but speak with confidence and sophistication. A part of me wonders how I'm going to pull off a miracle this quickly and it is weighing me down somewhat.

I'm very much looking forward to J. Yip's visit from Wed-Fri as he and his family now live in SA and we haven't seen each other in a very long time. This visit may also be the only visit for a long time too. I need to organize my time and thoughts, aaggghh!!!!

A lot has been going through my head the last few days but I haven't had the time or energy to write about them. Hopefully I won't forget since they are milestone-type insights.

"When you are shame-based, an observation becomes an evaluation."

-- Paul Young via a John Townsend sermon.

wham bam!

Met with the other mentor of the program today, and she had nice things to say about my paper too but it was to frame her comments on my oral, public performance on the day of my seminar: "But you write so beautifully and with such confidence and I just couldn't believe how you stumbled in your seminar . . . . I just don't understand it. What happened??"

Oy vey.

It is so difficult to hear when it comes from someone you adore! And it is oh so difficult to hear it from someone you adore who looks as if she is reading your very soul. But then again, this is precisely why I adore her. She will not let me get away with delivering anything less than the absolute best. It doesn't matter that I did my best, or even if a few others do think that I performed well enough, if what I did was not the best of how it can and should be done, it is just not good enough, and I need to get on it.

FL

I just had lunch with one of the two mentors of the program and she said in passing, "Oh, you're thinking in quite sophisticated ways" re the seminar paper I presented last week. I had to write it down for myself and when I'm feeling glum, I'll come back and look at this blog post. Obviously, our mentors/teachers don't realize how much their feedback means to us.

this is really funny!

Yesterday. Was. Amazing.

I was sweating for most of the two-hours we were in the room but at the end, it was all so very productive. It was academic life at its best.

Exhausted now because I rarely sleep well after our seminars--too many racing thoughts--and have to prepare for my class in a couple of hours, then I need to get started on something else that I need to get done by the end of the week. Hope I don't get sick.

It's pretty cool to have mentors who commit to caring about you regardless of how successful you are. I'm going to remember them as I prepare for my seminar presentation this afternoon. It's going to be a long day as we have a reception after the seminar, and then a private dinner after that. I just found out my small group is planning on spending more time worshiping--as opposed to the unfortunately mostly uninteresting blather that passes for "discussion"--and I won't be there. I can't miss the dinner though because it will be in honor of me (we celebrate the person presenting that day) and I chose to have the dinner at a sushi restaurant that sounds pretty good.

I love the light in this picture

excerpt

On Tears

A small article towards the back of a People magazine told the story of a little
girl named Ashlyn.(1) She was described as an incredibly happy child, eager and
energetic.  According to her mother, Ashlyn has the best laugh in the world, and
according to her kindergarten teacher, she fearlessly goes headfirst into
everything.  In many ways she is a typical, lovable five year-old.  But Ashlyn
is one of only 50 people in the world with a genetic condition that leaves her
unable to feel pain.  She can feel touch and be tickled, but she cannot sense
pain or extreme temperatures.

Ashlyn's parents are used to being asked why such a condition is daunting news
at all.  Their reply is one racked with the sting of experience: Pain is there
for a reason.  When she was a toddler, they had to wrap her with athletic tape
because of all the damage she was causing to limbs that knew no fear. She has
knocked eight teeth out and dug a hole in her eye without shedding a tear. 
She once came in from outside proclaiming she couldn't get the dirt off her
skin.  But it wasn't dirt.  Ashlyn was covered with hundreds of biting fire ants.

It is hard to read such a story without coming away with the difficult conclusion
that pain is necessary. Imagine not knowing when you have scalded your mouth on
a hot meal or bit your tongue so badly that it bled.  Imagine your child
reaching out for the flickering light of a candle and not having the pain of
burned fingers to reinforce your scolding plea not to play with fire.

The great majority of our philosophical frustration about pain is aimed at asking
why a loving God would allow it in the first place.  And yet, the closing lines
of Ashlyn's story were the words of a heartbroken parent:
"I would give anything, absolutely anything, for Ashlyn to feel pain."(2) 
Pain is the body's signal for danger, however severe or slight.

"A Slice of Infinity"
-------

There's more to today's email from Ravi Zacharias's ministry and you can find
the rest of it online. It forced me to think about why certain kinds of pain
are "necessary"--the columnist offered no answers but the assurance that God
keeps track of our tears and that they are not superfluous or unseen. "You have
kept count of my tossings, put my tears in your bottle" (Psalm 56:8, ESV)

It seems so natural to think of certain kinds of pain as necessary and desirable
even, but I have a really hard time with other kinds of cries of the soul as
necessary and desirable. One day, all will become clear.

another great news piece

Yay clean energy, yay unexpected brilliance!

back from ME

Well, back from my "vacation" and feel like I need another one. Much to do and much to catch up on but I think I'm starting to just give up. I'll do what needs to get done and hopefully what I do will be "good enough."

It was so good to be back on that old campus again and it was so good that I kinda got teary-eyed from time to time--even this morning when I rode the bus in to work because I was reflecting on my short time there. I've been given so many good gifts and I know it. But I don't really like having to keep saying goodbye to people I care about. That's just the story of my life, sigh.

A Malay view of race in Malaysia

all my fault

My flight to the East Coast is scheduled to depart on Thurs, 6:30am, and I'm still fiddling with my syllabus for my class in the fall quarter which begins NEXT WEEK, and I'm still writing my seminar paper which has to be in circulation NEXT WEEK. And, I after I send out my seminar paper to my group and anyone else interested in the paper (these things are public, so sometimes people ask for our papers but don't show up to the discussions, they are such _ssh_les), I have to write a 20-minute oral presentation for the week after.

I don't know how I get myself into these things!!!!!! I don't think I can finish all this work in a timely manner. What did I do this summer???

I'll bring work on my trip east, where I am scheduled to be part of an alumni panel on choosing academia. The proper answer to the question is, of course, "don't."

i knew it

When I came in to work today, I looked at my lunch box of leftovers and I thought, hmm, maybe I should put it in the fridge in the dept lounge. I don't always do that because it usually stays cool until lunch anyway. Sigh. The grad students are back for TA prep and someone's holding a TA meeting in the lounge so I can't get at my food!!

I think I'm starting to become less productive now for reasons unrelated to hunger but I still really would like to get at my lunch.

Working Class Zero

Yeah, uh-huh. This is why history is important.

Update

Oh dear, I just fell asleep on the couch in my office without meaning to . . . for two hours. And I still feel tired.

I really should be working

But instead, here are pictures of the peach I'm eating. Kinda gross, huh??!

Yesterday, K and I had lunch and discussed a book that we're reading together. Actually, it is more like a one-on-one tutorial for which I am incredibly grateful because she is teaching me to read more carefully and slowly. It took us three hours to talk about three of the 43 pages we agreed to read last week. And since we didn't get around to talking about the other 40 pages, we are re-reading the pages we didn't discuss so that we can talk about them the next time we meet.

The book is 624 pages long.

I don't think either of us expects to finish the book before I leave especially if we can only read during our "time off" and meet on weekends but the point is for me to learn how to read rigorously on my own.

I need time off from my weekend!

FRIDAY!!!

I am tired. Can barely get any writing done today. Note to self: save mindless work for Fridays and try to get as much writing done between Mon-Thurs. I can also feel my body starting to hold in stress again. Tomorrow will be a heavy reading day in preparation for the discussion over lunch on Sunday. Must be more mindful to not be anxious but in everything, present my petitions . . . .

Dinner with friends tonight, and I'm glad I'm not hosting this time. I'm very much looking forward to picking up something delightfully rich and calorific at the grocery store on my way over to A's apt. He's Italian and has promised to cook "wonderful pasta," so I can't wait! It'll be interesting to see if I will fit into my "work clothes" when school starts in a couple of weeks, sigh.

huh?

I just worked from 9am-12pm but have nothing to show for it. Sigh. Academia requires its subjects to delay gratification on many counts. Well, I'm off to pick up my bus pass for the fall (a good 20 minute walk because the office is further away) and then on to my afternoon's allotment of work which will hopefully yield more visible and tangible results.

Skipping badminton this evening because I'm a little behind in my "leisure reading," i.e. the pre-reading I have to do before K and I get together to discuss a chapter from a book this Sunday afternoon. Hopefully I'll be able to finish the chapter itself on Saturday after I get back from my chiropractor's. I'm seeing a doctor who is about an hour away because he uses similar methods as my chiropractor in Ithaca.

Strangely enough, I am really happy this week and time has just gone by much faster than I would like. Multiple deadlines coming up in a few weeks!!!!!

Starting off the week by being inspired and convicted by an act of prophetic courage.

I think I've been feeling far too sorry for myself than it is healthy. Need to learn how to pay attention to my emotions and not repress them but I also don't want to be narcissistic. Figuring this out drives me a little crazy though.

amazing

Time for some good news, and this story is truly inspirational. Except for the fact that I can't work with my hands for nuts.

back up on the roller coaster

Little things are making me glad that for the week, or the start of it at the very least. My mentor here has looked over the new book abstract and likes it too and she made a few suggestions which tells me she read the document quite carefully. I do have to revise the abstract a little more and herein lies the difference between my mentor here whose research area is closer to mine and my 18th C person. I adore both women, btw.

In her email to me, my mentor here commented,"What a difference a year makes!" So, while I may not have published an article as another postdoc did, I can choose to be thankful for the progress I have made this year. The abstract will be the blueprint for what I hope to get done in the next year or so and it will help me to have input on the blueprint before I go on to read and write more extensively. I think my mentor here wants me to get it done within the year but I'll be amazed if I manage to finish 3/4 of the project by the end of next summer.

I know I'm always too hard on myself and I can sometimes be too sensitive about criticism but it is true that I have to do a lot of catching up, especially intellectually. (Criticism doesn't make me angry and I'm usually very thankful for any that I get, but it often affects me emotionally as well.) It has taken me so long to figure out how others write well and now, I have to figure out how to write well myself. This is my goal for the year and it's going to be incredibly difficult but if I do succeed in some measure, I'm going to be very, very happy.

I was also pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed the salad I made for lunch. I usually don't like lettuce-based salads and much prefer baby spinach but I had to use up the extra lettuce that didn't get used when I cooked for friends last weekend. Tossing shallots, pine nuts, and a boiled egg into the lettuce was really easy to do and it was yummy too. That's good news since there's more lettuce in the fridge.

Eagleton, Terry. Reason, Faith, & Revolution: Reflections on the God Debate. New Haven: Yale University Press, 2009.

Prominent British literary critic Terry Eagleton makes it very clear that he doesn't take the resurrection or God to be true but it's interesting to see him defend Christianity against critics such as Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens (whom he shortens to "Ditchkins" in his lectures, also the basis for the book) on the basis of logic and political belief. He's got a pretty good reading of the person of Christ so far. I just started on this so I can't say very much about it yet but I did come across a funny passage.

"Now I would be reluctant to label the account of Christian faith I have just given liberation theology. All authentic theology is liberation theology. Nor am I necessarily proposing it as true, for the excellent reason that it may very well not be. It may be no more plausible than the tooth fairy. I should add, however, that holding views like this is an excellent strategy for anyone wishing to get rid of all their friends and colleagues at a stroke, provoking as they do irritation from the secular left and outrage from the religious right. Left-wing Christians are in dire need of dating agencies" (Eagleton 32-33).

very fun!

great way to end a sluggish week

"I like the book project. Very impressive and original."

Unfortunately, that didn't come from a potential publisher but it's nice to have that affirmation even if it admittedly comes from one's committee member who is not really in one's field . . . . it is nice after a week of not-terrible-but-at-the-same-time-not-so-great news and poor or slow productivity. My 18th C Brit Lit adviser is super-experienced but she has always been super-supportive as well so while I think that she can be honest, I also think that she would be harsher on me if I had worked on her area of research simply because she knows a ton more about what goes on in her area than in mine.

Well, all this is to say that I'm not convinced that my project is either impressive or original but I'm glad someone else thinks it is!

I'm leaving work early today to start cooking for a group of friends and unfortunately, two people just told me that they're coming too, and that brings my party up to FOURTEEN. Gosh, I hope I have enough food for 14 people. Oops, 15, including myself. I planned this dinner for about 8-9 and then kept inviting one or two extra people and now I have to go get extra food, I think. I definitely won't have enough pineapple cookies. Of course everyone asks if they can bring something and because I thought the group was going to be small, I said, oh no, don't worry, it's a simple dinner. But now I really wish I had asked them to at least bring drinks!!!

being realistic

This made my day.

down we go

Is it my imagination or are my friends blogging or updating FB more infrequently these days? :)

Well, I'm approaching another emotional downturn again but as someone responded to my FB status update, all of us have inherited "KBSM," an acronym for the M'sian secondary school curriculum but also for "Kerja Berat Sampai Mati," translated as "Work Hard Till You Die."

So I guess it's not just academics who feel that way. How is that supposed to make me feel better???

confused

A very liberal paraphrase and re-memory of a recent conversation.

Me, in great anguish: Someone recommended that I read Theorist X and I can't make sense of him!

P: Do you know what _________ means? (Names a philosophical tradition.)

Me: No. I haven't been trained in philosophy.

P: If you want to read philosophy, you need to read it slowly and carefully. You need to start by reading the broad introductory books instead of jumping into these difficult texts.

At the end of conversation, P agrees to read Book Y with me (not written by Theorist X but it falls in the same philosophical tradition).

. . . . A week passes.

Me: Okay, so I guess I need to read up on __________ first before we read Book Y together. Here are the few introductory books that I think might be helpful. Please let me know if I'm on the right track.

P: Yes, and here are a few more.

. . . . Another week passes and I bump into P in the halls.

Me: Oh, I started with one of them but I got lost because I couldn't understand his explanation of H's argument on the self-evidentiary nature of naturalism.

P: Oh, I don't understand that either.

Me: Huh??

P: I know what I understand and what I don't.

Me: What? But I thought I needed to read slowly and carefully?!

P: You need to read what's pertinent to you.

Me: How can I tell which concepts are pertinent and which aren't??

-__-

Sometimes, I really wonder what I'm doing with my time. And at other times, I wonder what I thought I was doing with my time.

cookery

Now that I've moved to a one-bedroom apt, I can actually have friends over. When you live in a studio, having friends over is not an option unless you want them to sit on your bed or on the floor. I don't much like it when people sit on my bed.

The problem is, the people who are coming over for dinner on Saturday evening have food allergies and between the four of them, I will have to avoid: gluten (wheat, which is not only in bread and flour but also most soy sauces!); garlic; shellfish; carrots; cilantro; chilli (basically spicy food is out); and alcohol. I guess I'll be cooking with a lot of salt and ginger!

I don't have much of a repertoire and my default flavor is "garlic" so I'm a little stumped. Apparently people with ulcers can't have garlic either cooked or raw. This is going to be interesting.

ps - Artist, if you're reading this, we'll have another get-together when you get back into town. It would've been nice to have you along as well but I organized one for this weekend because a friend was going to be leaving town for awhile--and it turns out this friend won't be able to make it anyway even though I asked her last weekend if this would be a good weekend for her. Well, I don't want to let down the four other friends who have made room for me this weekend.

fatigued

Finally managed to successfully donate blood for the first time in about 5 months! After the last botched attempt that left my arm bruised and stiff for weeks, I was really stressed out and scared this time but all went very well and I even managed to fill up the bag in less than 15 mins! But now I'm feeling very tired and a little light-headed. I was already tired after last week's marathon writing, moving, and cleaning activities but now all I want to do is roll over and go to bed (3:50pm).

The only thing that stops me from going home and reading on the couch is the fear that my upstairs' neighbor's kid(s) might be running around.....yeah. I can't believe it either. My landlords lied to me about that! Because I know that soundproofing in the US is HORRIBLE especially in apt buildings, I always ask if there are kids in the unit above me. Always. And the landlord said, no, you don't hear anything except in this little corner of the living room. B_llsh_t!!! And these kid(s) don't sound like they go to bed until 10pm!

So far they haven't woken me up in the morning although I do hear them once I am up and I hate the thudding and the running back and forth. I'm sorry. People with kids should not live in apts with wood floors if they are in an upper unit. It's just wrong.

Well, that got my blood up. Maybe I will be able to go back to my book. It's not serious reading at this point since I'm giving myself a bit of a break after sending a revised draft of Chapter Three to a friend this morning. YES!! That is out of the way. Hopefully I'll be back working on other parts of the project tomorrow. Writing can still be really stressful and painful but it is qualitatively better than dissertating even though it is the same kind of writing. I'm working on the same project after all but for some reason, work is more enjoyable post-dissertation. Funny, that!

Hishammuddin wants to know what ppl think about the ISA. Poll on bottom right of this website.

bleagh

I absolutely have to "finish" this chapter that I've been working on so that I can send it out to friends and whoever else I can get to read it by Monday--I've already given myself a week's extension! The problem is, I need to finish packing and moving and cleaning and selling furniture this weekend!! AAGGGHHHH.

I have the pages of the current draft laid out on my office floor. It looks like it'll make a pretty cool-looking rug but I'm not getting new ideas from looking at it yet.

Unbelievable

There are whole worlds out there that I know nothing about. I don't even know how I stumbled on this article (not through StumbleUpon!) but I'm glad I did because it was pretty funny to read even if it does raise a whole lot of ethical issues. Would you lie to liars even if you know that you might be doing good? (Kant's categorical imperative!)

Henri Nouwen, Bread for the Journey

March 11, Listening as Spiritual Hospitality

To listen is very hard, because it asks us so much interior stability that we no longer need to prove ourselves by speeches, arguments, statements, or declarations. True listeners no longer have an inner need to make their presence known. They are free to receive, to welcome, to accept.

Listening is much more than than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond. Listening is paying full attention to others and welcoming them into our very beings. The beauty of listening is that those who are listened to start feeling accepted, start taking their words more seriously and discovering their true selves. Listening is a form of spiritual hospitality by which you invite strangers to become friends, to get to know their inner selves more fully, and even to dare to be silent with you.

revelation

fighting words

My heart's been a little fragile recently and I'm hoping it's just hormones. So when I read this article, the cracks got even finer.

okay, something to keep me sane

Column on the transformation of the US. I'm all for the decoupling of race and citizenship all over the world.

I am so happy I accepted the job in HK. The thought of going back on the job market again is not a "happy thought" and I'm so glad I don't have to think that particular thought.

this is on FOX news (very conservative news channel)

money sense, then

"Health insurers are on board with many congressional proposals for health-care reform. But they are vociferously opposed to the creation of a publicly financed insurer, arguing that they couldn't possibly compete against a low-cost public plan that has no need to earn profits."

Wow. See article at Businessweek. Even if it didn't already make moral sense, it makes economic sense.

profit

Arguments over health care can be very complex but dang, this article brings up one very simple point that really should get more airtime.

another favorite

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The Born Identity
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Joke of the Day

i really like this ad by yasmin ahmad

laughter

I just noticed that a couple of the guys who have "adopted" me as a younger sister in the faith like to crack jokes especially when they suspect I'm upset. The funny thing is, it works even when the jokes are lame!! I almost always feel better immediately. Of course, I may be imagining that they suspect that I'm upset--maybe they're just bumbling and insensitive--but regardless, I'm always glad that they do what they do.

PS - I say "adopted" because it's more a tacit understanding of sorts. (Or perhaps, the result of a too-lively imagination on my part.) The friendships are difficult to characterize. Like all friendships, respect is part of the story. But more importantly, I'm pretty sure they would be protective if there was ever a need for them to be protective. For someone who doesn't have real-live older brothers, that's nice to know . :)

I like this series of responses to the recent high-profile case of racial profiling.

inside the M'sian Anti-Corruption Commission

grace for today

I feel like I'm writing my way into a morass.

in this day and age

I think it's time for me to start ignoring the news again. I'm only posting one article here, mostly because it's so ridiculous that it almost makes me laugh. A fellow procrastinator just wrote to me over email: "yeah, if it wasn't for extraordinary rendition, secret detention centers, preventive arrests and police tasering 12 year olds, the 1st world would be much superior...."

Forget democracy, I want benign dictatorship.

This picture is captioned "Serenity 2."

There is nothing worse than feeling helpless in a democracy.

thanks, sivin

You've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with the ABC's of YOU. At the end, choose 26 people to be tagged. You have to tag me so really you just need 25 more people. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you. (To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your ABC's of Me, tag 26 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

A - Age: 30, going on 31

B - Bed size: Single, moving to a full-size

C - Chore you hate: All of them

D - Dog's name: no dog

E - Essential start your day: internet

F- Favorite color: blue, i guess

G - Gold or Silver: whatever has the least cost to the environment, so i guess my answer is "neither"

H - Height: 5'3

I - Instruments you play(ed): Piano, and i sucked

J - Job title: postdoc, woohoo!

K - Kid(s): None (and hopefully, never)

L - Living arrangements: no roommates, YES!!!!

M - Mom's name: julie

N - Nicknames: z, wei

O - Overnight hospital: yes, when i was about seven, i had a really bad fever and the treatment for it consisted of multiple injections over a couple of days. at least that's how i remember it!

P - Pet Peeves: annoying drivers on the road; ppl who don't respect my time or me in general.

Q - Quote from a movie: Uhm . . . . "stupid is as stupid does"?

R - Right or left handed: Right.

S - Siblings: two.

T - Time you wake up: alarm goes off at 7:45am, i get out of bed at about 8am.

V - Vegetable you dislike: cucumbers.

W - Ways you run late: i hate being late.

X - X-rays you've had: hand (broke a finger), and teeth . . . .

Y - Yummy food you make: i don't much like cooking . . . . my latest attempt was to make pineapple tarts. it wasn't bad but it wasn't fantastic.

Z - Zoo favorite: orangutans!!!!

Tagged: whoever's reading this, haha!

science and faith

The new director of the NIH is a Christian who believes in evolution. I'm putting this up here as a personal reminder to read up more on Christianity and science in the future. Fascinating!

On another note, the latest in M'sian politics is shocking and tragic.

too much procrastination!

slow learner

It has taken me awhile, but it's finally dawning on me that God isn't asking me to use gifts he hasn't given me. He's asking me to use gifts that he has given me, even if these are in areas that produce anxiety or fear in me. I'm trying to train myself to rejoice when I find that I'm fearful or anxious because it probably means that I'm going to be learning something new. Pavlov z.

G8 buzz

Can't seem to embed the video of Obama so check it out here on youtube.

the last word on Palin, hopefully

Here's a sharp piece from a Republican. We need competence everywhere, and not just among those "who win." It really rankles me to see/hear Palin speak "for" Christians.

this needs to go viral!!

An Australian town has voted to ban bottled water!!!!!! Courageous, SENSIBLE, and one of the better news that has emerged this week. This is an example of how democracy can be used to challenge capitalism's less-desirable impulses.

Update

Right after I saved the post, an ad by google for "Fiji Water" appeared on my screen. How ironic.

World's Oldest Bible

The Codex Sinaiticus is now online . . . .

goodies from the farmer's market

Clockwise from top: Adriatic fig (green), apricot, pluot (small, round and purple), fig, white nectarine, pink lady apple.

from my office

pharmakon

Some complain that I'm hard to get to know and on days like today, I think that's a good thing. If I verbalized my thought processes most of the time, I'd drive away most of my friends.

Lethargy

Waking up--and staying awake--is becoming more and more difficult these days. But I do love my life and my work even if they're both in chaos still. I'm 30 and I still don't know where I'm going to settle down!! Strangely enough, this week, I found that thought very exciting. I'm excited about moving to HK in January! I'm sure I'll be learning a lot there!!

Friend M and I are going to take our bikes down to Santa M_nica tomorrow evening and we'll ride to V_nice Beach (about 20 mins) for dinner and hopefully we'll be able to see the July 4th fireworks set off in Marina D_l Rey. The organizer's website says that the fireworks are visible from V_nice Beach so hopefully that's true!!! I love fireworks . . . .

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Tip/Wag - Cynthia Davis & Fox News
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Jeff Goldblum

a very good day so far

Woke up late this morning and then rode my bike to the neighborhood farmers' market. It is a beautiful day with plenty of sun, blue skies, and cool breezes. Bought a couple of empanadas, white nectarines, apricots, pink lady apples (fuji apples are out of season now), and fresh figs. The apricots are sweet but I shouldn't have bought them since they're not really my favorite fruit! Rode back to my apt with my goodies in my backpack and decided to ride my bike to campus because my apt is a little too warm. There's not as much traffic on Sundays so my ride was more enjoyable than it normally would be.

I'll try to do some work this afternoon before going to the gym for a bit, then home, shower, and church in the evening! What a great day!

I spent most of yesterday being social--first, a much-too-short-trip to the Huntington Library and Gardens, then rushed back to catch an independent M'sian film back in Westwood village (the movie wasn't that great), dinner at a Mediterranean restaurant (with plenty of leftovers in my fridge), and then drinks at a different restaurant in W_st H_llywood with another set of friends, in "celebration" of two postdocs' departures.

I'm going to miss those two cuginas (Italian for "cousins"). How did I come to care for them in the short time that we were together?? It hasn't even been 10 months.

Well, I'm very glad to have most of the day to myself.

crazier and crazier

Unbelievable. The right to bring guns to church??

On another note, Michael Jackson is said to have been brought to the U_LA medical center and helicopters (probably news) have been circling all afternoon. Is this really THAT important????

This is what happens when your veins are too small and the nurse tries to "adjust" the needle multiple times. It has limited my arm movement for about a week and a half now and seems only marginally better at this point.

my camping trip seems so long ago now . . .

Enough

Henri Nouwen, Bread for the Journey, January 8

Often we want to be able to see into the future. We say, "How will next year be for me? Where will I be five or ten years from now?" There are no answers to these questions. Mostly we have just enough light to see the next step: what we have to do in the coming hour or the following day. The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark. When we are able to take the next step with the trust that we will have enough light for the step that follows, we can walk through life with joy and be surprised at how far we go. Let's rejoice in the little light we carry and not ask for the great beam that would take all shadows away.

still blah

Done with most of my grading now. Waiting for a few of my students to turn in their papers because they've been sick and I gave them extensions. It'll feel good to turn in grades next week.

Going camping for a few days starting tomorrow. A friend from church and I will be taking it easy in Malibu Cr__ State Park. I think I got the name right. I'm really looking forward to this because I need a break. No talk of work and all the other things that I still need to do.

Really struggling not to worry so much and this surprises me because I've been doing really well. Not sure why I feel this way now. It could be because we've had a couple of weeks of clouds and overcast sky. :) But I suppose I shouldn't complain about the cool weather because I don't have air-conditioning in my apt.

wouldn't you know it

Just when I thought I was coasting, I get news about a couple of things that is challenging me to hang on the growth I thought I was experiencing recently. I suppose it's easy enough to walk on water when there isn't a storm. And no, I'm not in the middle of another storm. It's choppy water but not a full-blown storm.

I'm just shaking my head, really. Just shaking my head. I'd like to be that little brown puppy in the picture above, right about now.

just in case you missed this one . . . :)

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
"i" on News
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Newt Gingrich Unedited Interview

pics of Santa Monica beach

More pictures of SM beach on FB. Takes too long to upload to the blog--maybe because the pics are 12mp.

conversations

I went to a very interesting roundtable yesterday that composed of representatives from the Abrahamic religions: A Rabbinic professor from the American Jewish University, Richard Mouw (the president of Fuller Theological Seminary), and Dr Saddiqi (scholar and president of the North American Fikh Council). Each representative both insisted that they believed that their interpretation of the scriptures is the right one but all three also insisted that they were there to work for peace. Very interesting.

I was especially interested by Mouw's mention of an event at Fuller where they brought Islamic scholars to campus so that their students could learn more. He thought that Christians have the responsibility to speak for truth and that they would bear false witness if they allowed slanders against Islam to pass.

(I don't remember the Rabbinic prof's name because I didn't know how to spell it and she was also the youngest of the three.)

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Looking for Comity in the Muslim World
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Economic Crisis

:(

Haven't really been blogging much because I've been feeling really fatigued and also out of sorts. I will teach my last class this Friday and my students turn in their finals next week. My postdoc group had our last seminar yesterday and we're meeting for lunch with one of the deans today. I usually have trouble sleeping after a seminar dinner because it's too stimulating and we usually end around 10pm. As much as I've enjoyed their company and as much as I will miss them, I will happily hunker down and become a hermit for awhile . . . without guilt or condemnation.

It's been an amazing year where I've learned a lot and I've also learned to do a lot of difficult things; difficult for me, that is. After this final push, I need a break so that I can reflect on the past year. I can't take a long break though because I need to write two chapters this summer!!!

LCW and Taufik!

video that is more fun than the last one

travel tips from Nicholas Kristof

In response, here are 15 tips for traveling to even the roughest of countries — and back:

1. Carry a “decoy wallet,” so that if you are robbed by bandits with large guns, you have something to hand over. I keep $40 in my decoy wallet, along with an old library card and frequent-flier card. (But don’t begrudge the wallet: when my travel buddy was pickpocketed in Peru, we tried to jump the pickpocket, who turned out to be backed by an entire gang ... )

2. Carry cash and your passport where no robber will find it. Assuming that few bandits read this column, I’ll disclose that I carry mine in a pouch that loops onto my belt and tucks under my trousers.

3. Carry a tiny ski lock with a six-foot retractable wire. Use it to lock your backpack to a hotel bed when you’re out, or to the rack of a train car.

4. At night, set a chair against your hotel door so that it will tip over and crash if someone slips in at 4 a.m. And lift the sheet to look for bloodstains on the mattress — meaning bed bugs.

5. When it gets dark, always carry a headlamp in your pocket. I learned that from a friend whose hotel in Damascus lost power. He lacked a light but was able to feel his way up the stairs in the dark, find his room and walk in. A couple of final gropes, and he discovered it wasn’t his room after all. Unfortunately, it was occupied.

6. If you’re a woman held up in an isolated area, stick out your stomach, pat it and signal that you’re pregnant. You might also invest in a cheap wedding band, for imaginary husbands deflect unwanted suitors.

7. Be wary of accepting drinks from anyone. Robbers sometimes use a date rape drug to knock out their victims — in bars, in trains, in homes. If presented with pre-poured drinks, switch them with your host, cheerfully explaining: “This is an American good luck ritual!”

8. Buy a secondhand local cell phone for $20, outfit it with a local SIM card and keep it in your pocket.

9. When you arrive in a new city, don’t take an airport taxi unless you know it is safe. If you do take a cab, choose a scrawny driver and lock ALL the doors — thieves may pull open the doors at a red light and run off with a bag.

10. Don’t wear a nice watch, for that suggests a fat wallet and also makes a target. I learned that lesson on my first trip to the Philippines: a robber with a machete had just encountered a Japanese businessman with a Rolex — who now, alas, has only one hand.

11. Look out for fake cops or crooked ones. If a policeman tries to arrest you, demand to see some ID and use your cell phone to contact a friend.

12. If you are held up by bandits with large guns, shake hands respectfully with each of your persecutors. It’s very important to be polite to people who might kill you. Surprisingly often, child soldiers and other bandits will reciprocate your fake friendliness and settle for some cash rather than everything you possess. I’ve even had thugs warmly exchange addresses with me, after robbing me.

13. Remember that the scariest people aren’t warlords, but drivers. In buses I sometimes use my pack as an airbag; after one crash I was the only passenger not hospitalized.

14. If terrorists finger you, break out singing “O Canada”!

15. Finally, don’t be so cautious that you miss the magic of escaping your comfort zone and mingling with local people and staying in their homes. The risks are minimal compared with the wonders of spending time in a small village. So take a gap year, or volunteer in a village or a slum. And even if everything goes wrong and you are robbed and catch malaria, shrug it off — those are precisely the kinds of authentic interactions with local cultures that, in retrospect, enrich a journey and life itself.

Again . . .

annual group photo

more mellonnesses

The slideshow below was taken yesterday after our penultimate seminar. We have a visiting prof this Wed, and then one more Mellon seminar before we disband this year's group. Very sad.

Last night, toward the end of the dinner, F turned to me and said as a joke, "Are you sure you're supposed to be laughing this much?? Aren't Christians supposed to be more sober??"

I must confess, I didn't know how to respond!

StumbleUpon

clip taken at church home group--D was playing with the camera

driving through part of Koreatown with SMS and F (yes, the F with whom I was passing notes)

Our prog is funded by the "Mellon Foundation" and we thought we had a "melon cake" to celebrate . . .

a short clip my friend took with my video camera

What F and I looked like during the last talk of the conference

What I looked like when F and I passed notes during the conference

happiness III

Happiness would be gathering everyone I care about in one place and never having to say goodbye again.

my french fries addiction

So this is why I love french fries and potato chips! Hmm, the only way I avoid inhaling potato chips on a nightly basis is to walk right by the chips aisle in the grocery store. It's a method that works as long as I keep walking but maybe I can change my perceptions of that disgusting piece of over-fried, over-salted, over-processed sliver of potato . . .

ps - I blog more often when I'm not on Facebook . . . . but I'll be back on Facebook by Sat night, muahahahahaha . . . .

fun movie

Caught this with some friends last night and really enjoyed it!

Why is writing so difficult? Why?? WHY????

I realize that I fantasize about leaving the field every time I have to write under the gun. That means I fantasize about a career change very often.

aarrgh

I'm presenting another paper at our research groups annual conference in a week and I haven't started writing the paper. Can't seem to get anything done so I'm going home. To sleep or watch TV or anything but sit in front of my computer with nothing to do. Writing blocks SUCK!!!!!

Column about rape

This is truly unbelievable. Really.

crap

Going through Facebook withdrawal symptoms. I've been off Facebook since Friday morning so it has been about five days now. Instead of compulsively clicking "refresh" on Facebook, I am now compulsively clicking refresh on two of my email accounts. Not supposed to go back to Facebook until May 9.

R-e-a-l-l-y t-o-u-g-h . . . .

excerpt from A Slice of Infinity, Ravi Zacharias Ministries

The following excerpt was really helpful this morning. I think it's very clear
from my posts that I am in general incredibly happy to be here. But very
recently, I've been struggling with more negative emotions and the old
questions "What in the world am I doing with my life?" and "Where
am I going?" and "What do I want, really?" have resurfaced again.

I think I know why I'm been struggling with these questions now and this
excerpt, I hope, will help me recenter my focus. When I displace God
with something or even someone, regardless of how good that thing or
person is, I lose sight of God's work in, and His plans for, my life.

-------

The hiddenness of God is problematic for theists and atheists alike. 
Christians often take for granted that we have the scriptures which give us
a record of God’s revelation. We have the benefit of a book full of God’s
speech. God speaks in the wonder and mystery of creation; God speaks
through the history of the nation of Israel; God speaks through the very
Word of God incarnate, Jesus Christ. His life reveals the exact nature of
God, and places God’s glory on full display.
 
But still we may wonder if we must always and only look to the past
to hear God’s voice, while we wonder why God isn’t more “talkative” today?
Has God not given us an additional witness for God’s presence and activity
in the world today?
 
In fact, God is often found in one of the last places we think of--the church. 
For at its best, the church retells the story of God speaking across the ages 
and definitively in Jesus Christ through the preaching of the gospel. But the 
church can also create community where God may be encountered in the
faces of others as a result of the empowering Holy Spirit. Such a community
is to be the symbol of God’s presence among us and with us as “God-found,”
not “God-hidden.” It is to be the arms of God around us when we are hurting,
or the voice of God speaking when we feel we haven’t heard from God in years.
Such a community is to be God’s voice, God’s hands and feet as they go out
into the broken places of the world to bring healing, help, and comfort.
Through worship and liturgy, prayer and communion, service and sacrifice
the church is to reveal the God who spoke and is still speaking.
 
God is not often revealed in the roar of the hurricane or the loud-clap of
thunder, but in a “still, small voice”--a voice that is barely audible except to
the most patient and still. But when the Church, broken and human as it is,
seeks through the power of the Spirit to accomplish “greater things than these,”
we see God and hear God, and find God beautifully obvious.
 
For those who long to see God, who long to find God in the darkest hour,
we may not find God in the dramatic or the victorious, the miraculous or the
stupendous. Instead, we may yet hope to find him in the pew, at the table
of the Lord’s Supper, or in a simple hymn sung by fellow seekers longing
to find Him too.

new toy

I got a compact HD camcorder through my credit card reward program but then realized that my computer can't keep up with HD videos . . . sigh. Also, the still photos that you pull from a video looks like . . . it came from a video. :p

Still, the Creative Vado HD is really small, light, and fun to use! My alumni group volunteered at a women's shelter last weekend and here's a small video of a few of us sitting down to lunch.

another epiphany

Can't seem to focus on an appropriate update for the present moment so I will just mention one of my new resolutions: practice random acts of hospitality.

During my trip to the UK, I had to be in Belfast for a couple of days and as it turned out, my sister's pastor's wife's family lives in Belfast, so my sister made arrangements for me to stay with her pastor's wife's brother and his family. When I got to Belfast, however, I found out that my sister's pastor's wife's brother's wife was just starting work again after a year's maternity leave, so it was difficult for them to host me and told me that my sister's pastor's wife's father, who is also my sister's pastor's wife's brother's father, will be hosting me instead. I was a little apprehensive by that point and imagine how I felt when my sister's pastor's wife's brother drove me to my sister's pastor's wife's father's house and my sister's pastor's wife's father said, "There's too much construction going on at our house so we're heading over here."

Finally, I ended up staying at my sister's pastor's wife's father's tenants' apartment instead. David (my sister's pastor's wife's father) is an architect and he was building an additional floor to his old farmhouse and had remodeled the barn where he milked cows as a kid into a lovely little two-story place. The tenants, Ed and Kate and their little baby Elijah, had an empty guest room and they hosted me for the two nights I was there. None of the people who fed me and who drove me around the city had ever met my sister before and I have never met my sister's pastor or his wife! We were utter and complete strangers.

My three weeks of travel were wonderful in many, many ways, but this short part of my trip affected me profoundly. I spent many hours talking to these folks over meals and tea and thoroughly enjoyed myself. It was truly an unexpected holiday.