very thankful

Mom emailed to say that dad went into operation much earlier than scheduled, and it's all over now. Doc says that the operation was successful, but mom couldn't speak to dad because he was still asleep when she was there.

in love, kind of

I went to the library to pick up one book that I'm hoping will help me get started on my next chapter. I ended up leaving with 20 books from that section.

I have 6 other books on my current list of books-to-pick-up-from-the-stacks. Sigh. This is why I need at least another year here.

Thanksgiving Break

Thanksgiving always reminds me of genocide, but never mind.

Went up to Rochester for a couple of nights to visit a fellow Malaysian who is now working there. It was about a 2-hr drive, which is a very short drive by US standards. I'll probably go down to NYC at some point in Dec to renew my passport and visit with friends there.

My friend and I cooked and ate and watched DVD's all day and night . . . I still don't feel like working. And of course, I have a pile of work that never seems to diminish. The more work you do, the more work there is.

I don't want to work anymore.
I don't want a job.

Sad news

I just received news that a guy I knew in college was killed in an attempted robbery. Amadou had just defended his dissertation recently and would have received his PhD this Dec.

relief

I think I've figured out how my insurance policy works . . . feel better now. :)

completely unproductive

only fell asleep last night at about 3am. sigh. wasn't very productive during the day, felt like a complete failure (what's new?), and didn't have a good badminton session either. spent the rest of the night feeling like a complete failure in all areas of my life. woke up late, then spent the morning waiting for the car inspector from my insurance company to do his job. his quote for the repairs is $1090, out of which $250 i have to pay for.

that means my insurance company will pay $840 worth of repairs, so they wrote me a check. if i don't make the repairs, or if i repair it without reporting it to the insurance company (for less than $840 and i pocket the rest), that's legal, but if i hit the front of my car again, the insurance company won't pay for any more repairs.

some of my friends would tell me to either

(1) don't make the repairs and pocket the $840
(2) repair it for less and pocket the change

because cars depreciate and it's not worth doing body work. i'm just worried if i do hit a deer again and if there's actually damage to my lights or engine--then i'll be paying it all myself.

sigh. so my entire morning is gone, with no work done, and i have to bring in my car to the shop this afternoon. great. this weekend is also pretty much taken up with things that i can't avoid.

on the bright side, someone's baked a russian tea cake for our christian fellowship meeting tonight.

back on track?

Played badminton yesterday and would really like to be regular again. I was sore and achey all over after that but I was also happier than I thought I would be. I guess I'd forgotten how happy it makes me.

Also starting to read for the dissertation again. Reading on "forgiveness" in philosophy and political theory now. Hopefully the books I've picked up from the library will be helpful. I tend not to like social science books; I really do love literature more than anything else.

I don't actually want a job now. I need more time to think and write!! Friend J who is a prof just wrote me saying that she's actually missing grad student life, and feels that teaching is taking her away from thinking and writing. Sigh.

They're re-paving the road that leads from the dorm out to the main street--FINALLY! There are so many potholes I often feel like I'm driving through a kampung road. Construction in Ithaca never ceases because the change in temperatures especially during the winter causes the streets to expand and contract. But I'm really happy they're doing our street now.

touched

Yesterday, my pilates instructor walked over to me before class started and asked me if I was okay. She said I seemed very quiet the past two sessions and she was wondering how I was doing.

I literally did a double-take when she said that. First, I didn't realize she even paid attention to me, and second, I guess I've had a lot on my mind this week. Being used as a "punching bag" really upset me, and I also realized that there was a glaring typo in the writing samples I've mailed out.

I was just really surprised that someone I didn't even really know could tell something was wrong.

feeling better

The person who hurt me yesterday apologized today, and explained certain things. I feel better. Maybe I just need to learn to expect to be hurt like that and just suck it up.

Sigh.

$&%$(#*$&%^*

I'm angry. Scared. Hurt. Annoyed. Confused. Resentful.

I need to stop caring. I need to protect myself.

But there are these voices that go, "But Sz_ W__, this is what life's about . . . ." Well, you know what? Damn those voices. I just don't have time for this shit.

hmmm

Doc recommended that my dad get a bypass. My mom and dad are going to talk to more docs, and my dad's going to think more about it.

not too cute

I was driving a few House-members to the mall tonight so they could buy decorations for our formal dinner on Friday, and I hit a deer. Deers are considered pests in this area because there are so many of them and they like to run across roads at night. I saw one coming across the road and I slowed down but I couldn't stop because I didn't know if there was a car behind me. For a second, the deer looked like it was going to turn away, then it changed its mind and ran straight in front of my car.

Luckily, I was going slow enough that it wasn't a huge impact so all of us were fine. The deer wasn't so fine (it died), and my hood is now dented. I'll have to bring my car to the shop tomorrow to have my mechanic check it out. Sigh.