Kew Garden

The archives are cold. I haven't found anything useful for my current project but I think I have a couple of things for the next project (still in its infancy). I'm also not sure I am looking in the right places here. I have a student RA tracking a few items down and they're available in libraries in London, where I'll be in a few days. After saying goodbye to 3rd aunt, cousin and cousin's kids in St Albans, I felt strangely homesick--strange because I don't see this side of the family a whole lot!! There are two female researchers from Japan in my B&B so it's nice to talk to them in the mornings. Unfortunately, I am no longer jet-lagged. This means I'm starting to sleep later and later and wake up later and later too.

Paris III

I had a total of two breakfasts and lunches in Paris. Skipped dinners because I was too full from lunch. Third day, I went to the Sacre Coeur, the Butte of Montmartre, Haussmann, Moulin Rouge (disappointing because small), and then I ended up in the 18th Arrondissement, which looked like it was an immigrant enclave of the city. It was a great trip and now I understand why one of my friends from church would like to live and work in Paris for a couple of years. I would too!

Paris II

Went to a farmer's market, had a croissant and 4 fresh figs for breakfast. Then to the Pantheon, Notre Dame, Latin Quarter, Place d'Italie, Musee d'Orsay, boat tour of the Seine, and the Eiffel Tower. I know my legs are still attached to my body because they hurt. A lot.

Paris I

Arrived at about noon, walked from Concorde to the Marais, around the Marais then the Louvre and finally to the Tour Montparnasse, and finally let before dark because my feet, ankles, hips, and shoulders were in pain. Now I I know why my friends love Paris!!

insomnia explained?

So last night's decision was pretty major and I'm happy with it. I probably got only about 4 hrs of sleep after all the tossing and turning but am feeling pretty good this morning. As most of my friends and loved ones point out, stress is a major cause of insomnia and I've noticed that certain things--office politics and job insecurities among them--trigger especially virulent bouts of insomnia. Last night's was terrible but I realize that I worked through a few things in the process. Perhaps this was one of my "dark nights of the soul"? It's not wise to post about the major issue I worked through but I can talk about some of it!

I think I've said this before in previous posts, and I wish I had the sense to tag those posts, but every good thing I've had since starting grad school has come from the Lord. (I'm sure that is true of life before grad school too but right now I can't remember that far back!) I have not played a major role in obtaining the great blessings in my work life: the postdoc at UCLA; my job here at HKU (yes, it's stressful but it's still been a blessing); being invited to be part of the editorial board of a small, new journal (I have no idea who they are so they certainly don't know me); being asked to be a reviewer at a journal (how did they find me too??); and the recent GRF (my grant proposal was super messy and not very clear now that I look back on it). All these things are important little steps in my journey and I did nothing to deserve them. I'm sure there are many other blessings too but these are the ones that mean the most to me right now.

I've been made to slog very hard for the one journal pub I have, and I will have to slog very hard over the next pub in the pipeline, so while they are also blessings, man, I have to earn these ones. Teaching has also been a blessing for which I've had to work hard. I recently found out that my teaching evaluation scores for the most recent semester were slight above the dept average in all areas. Personally, the stats don't matter to me as much as the written comments--I haven't seen the ones for the most recent semester--but I know the numbers will matter when I go through my annual review meeting early next week. So, for this, I am very thankful too.

I am sorry if I grumble too much and I am trying to be more thankful. I am especially thankful for friends who don't give up on me!! Prayer has been dry for a very long time and I haven't had the "feel good" spiritual highs for awhile. But God does give wisdom to those who ask for it. That is irrefutable.

Update
Despite the lack of sleep, I've had a very alert and productive day, woohoo!!

you heard it here first

If I don't get another academic job by June 2013, I'm giving up on academia. The stresses associated with the job is just not worth it. It's hard enough to do good work but the politics that come with it are a further drag on one's general well-being.

try and try again

Late last week, I decided that I was not going to let anxiety and uncertainty take away the joy of having a job this year. Going back on the job market isn't any fun and my anxiety levels get doubled on bad days. Everything I have has been given to me and yet it worries me. Or perhaps it worries me because I have no control over these things. Is it my imagination, or was faith easier when I was younger? Did I struggle as much then too and I'm misremembering now? Do I get more anxious with age?

I may never know, so I'll just keep plodding on and on the days when faith comes easily, I will be thankful. :)

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, wherever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.

news and violence

Riots and looting in London. Famine in East Africa. Syria still troubled. Europe and US economies tanking again. Can the news get any worse?

video chat

I've never liked to use webcams, mostly because I only had it on my laptop at home and not in my office. The laptop webcam shows how messy my apt is!! I just got a webcam for the office so that I can work with a friend on the East Coast of the US, and luckily, it shows the shelves behind me, and not my messy table. Working with Friend S (twice now) has been really useful! I hope we can keep this going because I have so much to get done.

I really wonder if my trouble with sleeping well at night is psychological or if there is something wrong with me! I've grumbled enough about it on this blog but I also remember college and high school friends making fun of how tired I was during the day even back then.....so the problem really isn't new.

Well, went to a traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) doctor last Sat and have been brewing and drinking the really horrible-tasting herbal medicine for two days now. Two more days to go, I hope I can hold the medicine down. At first it was bad but bearable. Now, it's just horrible horrible horrible.

Tomorrow, I'll be trying out for a dodge ball team someone from my church is putting together. I've never played it before but it looks fun and I like playing on teams. I also thought this would be a good way to meet more Christian guys. From the Cc list on the email, it looks like a lot of other women had the same idea. I won't be irritated if they happen to be good at the game, but if they're going to be the kind of women who are fragile and need to be protected......ugh.

We'll see if I take to the game or not!!