accumulated spiritual lessons over the past few months or so

1. At the beginning of the fall last year, God said, "Trust Me."
2. I asked for healing from fear and I have been healed somewhat. Quite a bit actually, except that I'm constantly worrying over the current or upcoming challenge that I often forget how far I've come. I still have a fear of public speaking. :)
3. This past summer, I asked God to show me if I can write at a high level; if I can't, I need to look for a different job because academia is probably not for me. What I learned this past year was that I am dependent upon God for the daily progress I make in my work. For now, at least, I will remain in academia (mostly because I have a job for at least the next three years!).
4. I've come to see that God brought healing into my life even before I knew how to ask for it.
5. I need to live as if I will never go hungry again because God will never stop loving me.
   
6. A lesson on pedagogy that I learned from J. Y. during his visit: "First, tell them what they want to hear. Then, tell them what God wants them to hear." The challenge comes after comfort.
7. If I remain in Christ, I will give out of my fullness.
8. I've been introduced to the pleasure and awe that comes from seeing how God works in the lives of others, especially old friends. It is a privilege to walk with friends and to know them well enough to notice the changes in their character. I suspect that this will be one of the more valuable blessings of growing old and I hope that others will be blessed in this way too.
9. I want to have a spiritual mentor who is physically in the same place as I am. And I want to learn how to be a mentor myself. (The latter really scares me though.)
10. I want to trust that God is sovereign and that He is good.
    

more growing up

Kids are free to say "I don't want to friend you!" if they don't like someone and they are free to pout and turn away. Adults can't get away with that but it is also true that the older we get, the more likely we are to accept and be more generous to those who are different from us and that is a mark of maturity.

But then there are some people who make me feel conflicted because I don't how to interpret their actions toward me. Some people are nice to me because . . . . well, I don't know why. Well, sometimes I think they are nice to me because I have a car and they want me to drive all of us to this or that social event! Sometimes I think they are nice to me because . . . it somehow fits in with their sense of self and has little to do with who I am. Sometimes I think they are nice because they see it as part of what it means to be in a professional relationship. But I get confused because we are all "friends" as well, and not just colleagues.

I don't know how to react to people who are nice to me out of a sense of duty. And that only increases my cognitive dissonance because I am also nice to people out of a sense of duty. First, because it just takes too much energy to dislike someone, and second, because well, I've been given so many chances to grow and change that it would be uncharitable of me if I didn't extend the same grace to others.

But it doesn't change the fact that there are some people whose judgment I don't trust, and frankly, I don't trust that they want the best for me. I know that those with my personality type (INTJ) are naturally skeptical and that I should learn to trust others more and let them into my life. But I've also learned that I often have very good instincts and being guarded has its advantages. (I am still committed to learn how to take risks though.)

I don't know how to resolve this conundrum. On the one hand, I want to be nice and act out of grace. But on the other hand, I can't pretend to respect people I don't trust either.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, "The Cost of Discipleship"

"To deny oneself is to be aware only of Christ and no more of self, to see only him who goes before and no more the road which is too hard for us. Once more, all that self-denial can say is: 'He leads the way, keep close to him'" (88).

tired still

One of the other postdocs just got diagnosed as hypo-thyroid and that explains why he's always so tired. I bet I don't have hypo-thyroid but so what's my excuse then?????

Score!

I've gotten started on some some of the prep work that I have to do before I start teaching in my new institution and so far, my new boss seems to like what she sees.

That feels good . . . .

great weekend!

Had a lovely time at the charity walk, then lunch with folks from church, then a trip to a new Korean spa that was offering a discount, then an improv show, and finally dinner. Best Saturday EVER!! More new pictures on FB.

I hate it when people shame me. And perhaps I need to think about how not to feel ashamed in those moments, regardless of what they intend or don't intend.

(And I hope I don't shame others.)

no disasters recently

Everything has been going fine and my life seems to be smooth-sailing so I really should feel happier than I'm feeling now. Sigh. Well. I was really happy on Friday because I had a few small professional victories. And I did some light reading on Saturday, and then took my Sabbath. So why the Monday blahs???????? This just ain't right.

Anyway. New pics up on FB.