At this point, my life revolves around anxiety management. I'm convinced that I'm not ready this year, and I think it helps if I think of the next two days as preparation for next year.
Really struggling to remember that my life is not my own.
Will be back very late at night on Dec 30.
Went to Christmas Eve candlelight service, then to a couple of friends' house for dinner (R and J) because they wanted to keep their celebration "secular." Had Christmas lunch with the CICF'ers and it was very fun. Played Uno and found that if you play with the real rules (instead of made-up versions that resemble those of mahjong), Uno can actually be quite fun even if it does depend more on chance rather than strategy.
I'm looking forward to seeing J and K again.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Monday, December 24, 2007
the truth
I'm not ready. I'm just not.
I had a phone conversation with Prof A last night, and it is always nice to talk to her--she's very forthright, much more forthright than I am. But she also does it with grace and generosity, and I have much to learn from her.
She had just had an emergency operation for a twisted colon. She said it's quite a rare and sudden condition. Well, it was nice to hear her voice anyway.
I'd really like to talk to Prof C, but it wouldn't be appropriate, I think. Resisting the temptation to call her takes all the strength I have. I feel like such a child.
I had a phone conversation with Prof A last night, and it is always nice to talk to her--she's very forthright, much more forthright than I am. But she also does it with grace and generosity, and I have much to learn from her.
She had just had an emergency operation for a twisted colon. She said it's quite a rare and sudden condition. Well, it was nice to hear her voice anyway.
I'd really like to talk to Prof C, but it wouldn't be appropriate, I think. Resisting the temptation to call her takes all the strength I have. I feel like such a child.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
getting my head straight
Phew, lots to do before I leave for Chicago on Wed!
Feeling better this morning for several reasons:
1. I need to stop thinking about what *I* want.
2. I need to be completely professional, especially with respect to a certain school in which I have too much personal investment. It really isn't healthy for me, and I've been paralyzed by fear and anxiety for far too long.
3. I realized that my extreme sleeplessness last night (I think I was awake until 5 am) was due to the 2 cups of very strong Indian tea I imbibed yesterday during lunch time. I will now only consume that tea in the morning, and in very controlled amounts. My insomnia is bad enough even when I don't consume any caffeine.
Feeling better this morning for several reasons:
1. I need to stop thinking about what *I* want.
2. I need to be completely professional, especially with respect to a certain school in which I have too much personal investment. It really isn't healthy for me, and I've been paralyzed by fear and anxiety for far too long.
3. I realized that my extreme sleeplessness last night (I think I was awake until 5 am) was due to the 2 cups of very strong Indian tea I imbibed yesterday during lunch time. I will now only consume that tea in the morning, and in very controlled amounts. My insomnia is bad enough even when I don't consume any caffeine.
no, no . . .
The worst thing is getting what everyone else thinks is a good thing.
I don't know. I'm confused. I'm confused, and anxious, and sleepless.
Help.
I don't know. I'm confused. I'm confused, and anxious, and sleepless.
Help.
the paradox of being z
The worst thing that could happen, is that I get precisely what I wish for. And yet, I am filled with anxiety.
And even though I know how to think my way through this, I am still so anxious!
sigh.
And even though I know how to think my way through this, I am still so anxious!
sigh.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
no passport yet
Yesterday was a nightmare of a day. Hours and hours of waiting around at the consulate for them to process my passport renewal request, then the chip in the new passport wasn't working, and finally, the "server hang" on the M'sia side so they couldn't issue me a new one. Do NOT get me started on how frustrating it was. I finally got them to agree to pay for shipping, so they'll mail my new passport to me.
I had to go down myself because:
1) The passport pictures had to be with a "blue background," and EVERY photo place here only has a white background. The consulate had a photo service which consisted of the front desk guy, Remy, and his digital camera. I must say that Remy worked non-stop the entire time I was there and he even gave me a piece of pecan pie when I was the last person still waiting at the consulate. He was very sweet and hard-working.
2) If I mailed the passport in, it would've taken 3 months for them to process the renewal.
I got to see my old college friend Y_k_ who's working there, and ate good food in Chinatown! My friends and I also stopped by W__dbury Commons Outlet on our way down and Ts_ts_ got a very nice suit at CK. I didn't get anything.
On the way back up, T read the directions wrong and we ended up driving in NJ for 2 hours. We only got back in at 1am and I was so tired. Felt really sick today. Hopefully I'll be able to work tomorrow. Sigh. I need to work.
I had to go down myself because:
1) The passport pictures had to be with a "blue background," and EVERY photo place here only has a white background. The consulate had a photo service which consisted of the front desk guy, Remy, and his digital camera. I must say that Remy worked non-stop the entire time I was there and he even gave me a piece of pecan pie when I was the last person still waiting at the consulate. He was very sweet and hard-working.
2) If I mailed the passport in, it would've taken 3 months for them to process the renewal.
I got to see my old college friend Y_k_ who's working there, and ate good food in Chinatown! My friends and I also stopped by W__dbury Commons Outlet on our way down and Ts_ts_ got a very nice suit at CK. I didn't get anything.
On the way back up, T read the directions wrong and we ended up driving in NJ for 2 hours. We only got back in at 1am and I was so tired. Felt really sick today. Hopefully I'll be able to work tomorrow. Sigh. I need to work.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
snow storm
No trip to NYC today. We already have about 2 inches now (9:54am), and we'll prob end up with 8-10 inches, and it's worse south of us.
We are also getting a "nor'easter" this weekend, so even if we had been reckless and had driven down to NYC today, we would've been snowed in the city (which prob would've been fun) over the weekend. I heard on the radio earlier this morning that a few cars had already skidded and gone off the road.
I definitely need to go down on Monday to get my passport renewed because the consulate closes on the 20th for the holidays.
We are also getting a "nor'easter" this weekend, so even if we had been reckless and had driven down to NYC today, we would've been snowed in the city (which prob would've been fun) over the weekend. I heard on the radio earlier this morning that a few cars had already skidded and gone off the road.
I definitely need to go down on Monday to get my passport renewed because the consulate closes on the 20th for the holidays.
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