two pictures from one of my favorite sites

looking up

Well, I met one of my deadlines today. Sort of. I'm ambivalent about it because, well, as with all writing, one can always keep revising. I know I can be impatient with myself but the reality is that I wasted a lot of time in the past few years, and now, I always feel like I have to catch up. But don't worry, I won't beat myself up about it. :)

It's been a hard week because of a slight spurt of teaching and work responsibilities but it's also been really interesting. I've learned a lot and I'm still happy about being here! Last weekend, I had a conversation with someone from Ithaca--older and wiser--about my struggles with anxiety, and it was freeing to hear her say, "Uhm, that sounds pretty normal, z." And then we talked about why my anxiety was normal and not a spiritual failure. I'm learning (and re-learning) that there's nothing wrong with being human, and that our spiritual walk is about being human. Being human is also part of who we are in Christ.

And, I'm also actually looking forward to having lunch with friends in Chinatown this Saturday!

PS - That same friend--a trained Christian therapist, actually--also recommended that I try a supplement called L-theanine, to help with the stress and I think it works. Well, that, and more spiritual discipline. :):):)

CNY

Monday will be the first day of the new year. I can't remember how I celebrated last year and I probably didn't, but it's still a little scary how I have absolutely no recollection of what happened. Or what didn't happen, as the case may be.

This year, I feel a bit odd as I don't have close Chinese friends here. I get along well with the other postdocs in my program and I'm really glad to be friends with them but it's too soon for me to think of them as "close friends." A couple of M'sian friends of a M'sian friend are in town but I don't really know them well enough to want to celebrate with them. I kinda feel like CNY should be celebrated with family or close friends. In any case, because of my grandfather's passing a few months ago, I don't think I'm supposed to celebrate this year anyway.

Well, a few of us from my postdoc group will be going to a restaurant in Chinatown to "celebrate," but only next weekend. To them, it will seem like I'm ceebrating and I don't mind pretending. But I don't really feel like celebrating this year although I will be glad for family and friends who will celebrate!

Rain

The winter around these parts has been warm and sunny, and the other postdocs joked about sending their friends pictures taken on the beach. In what seems to be the coldest winter in years, we've really had it nice. But I'm also very glad it started raining last night. Hmm, so why can't we have both sun and rain at the same time? That would be nice. The earth will get the water it needs, and we'll all still feel happy too.

Now I'm struggling a bit with insomnia again. I don't know why I go between such extremes. Well, it's forced me to think about my spiritual life and take a couple of steps to address a few issues, so I'm thankful for that.

Lucky are those who never have to worry about sleep.

heavy head

Last week, I slept about 12 hours a day for four or five days straight. I just could not wake up. I was really worried but luckily, I'm getting back to a more regular schedule this week. Fingers crossed for productivity.

uhm . . .

Two of my students here are older than I am--not uncommon in state schools--and when one of them thanked me today for meeting with him about the paper that's due next week, I kind of choked. He said, "Thank you, Dr."

retreat

Haven't been able to do much this past week besides teach. On Tues, I went up to UCSB to meet an old friend from college who was visiting UCSB, and an old friend from C_rnell who is now doing his MA there. It was lovely catching up with both friends as we walked on the beach. UCSB is right on the water, and the irony is that even after about 5 months here in LA, I have yet to go down to the beach in Santa Monica and I really must go soon.

I just realized that I must be coming down with a cold and that's why I've been feeling so drained and tired the past couple of days. Well, I hope that's the answer. It's also probably because I've had a rough few months and my body is really asking me to slow down. Spending time with old friends on Tuesday was truly marvelous. It's nice to be around friends you can just say things to without needing to "perform" any kind of smartness or wellness or wholeness. Sometimes, we just need to talk and be heard. (Advice is nice but not always necessary.) Hopefully I was that kind of friend for my friends too.

I'm trying out a recipe for egg tarts because I will be going to a friend's place for dinner tomorrow night. I might have over-cooked them a little. But they smell pretty good.

a measure of relief

Wow, I am so glad that I'm only teaching one class per quarter. Teaching a new class is a lot of work and I'm teaching a new class each in the Winter (now) and Spring quarters. I need to start working on the syllabus for the Spring quarter soon because I will be presenting at conferences in Boston and London the week before I begin teaching in the Spring quarter.

Regular faculty teach anywhere between two to three classes per semester/quarter and they have committee work, faculty meetings, and student advising. Even though I'd like to have job security, a part of me is happy that I'm a postdoc fellow this year.

Thanksgiving. Again.

The last few weeks have been stressful because I had to turn in the hard copy of a seminar paper to my postdoc group, finalize the syllabus for the class I'm teaching, and write an additional 10 pages to read out loud at my seminar presentation.

Yesterday, I had to teach in the morning and in the afternoon, present my additional 20 mins of new thoughts (it takes 2 minutes to read out one page), and was subsequently grilled for the rest of the 2-hour session. Now my body feels like it is coming out of a long illness.

But it was all so much fun.

I took as many notes as I could when people were talking and was mad when I realized this morning that I had left the USB with the file at home. My thoughts are all chaotic still and I want to go back to the questions and comments that were raised. If I can come up with roadmap for revisions, I think I will be working very steadily for the rest of my time here. Some people joked that when I present again next year, they want to see the new (improved) version of the project. A few of the other postdocs said they enjoyed the session too.

I still can't believe how happy I am to be here.

news clip on Israel/Hamas (must watch to the end)

2009!!

I am excited to see what will unfold this year. I'm surprised at myself because I am usually pessimistic. My new year's resolutions:

1. Learn to take risks.

2. Learn to have fun and enjoy whatever it is I'm doing, wherever I am. (I will probably break this one the next time someone makes me wait more than 10 minutes for them.)

3. Learn to be more openly affectionate. I'd hate to have my friends think that I don't appreciate them. This is going to be quite difficult for me actually.

New Year's Eve

I got back late last night from SF where I attended the annual conference in my field. Feeling very tired and hungover even though I didn't have any alcohol. The drive was long and complicated by events that I won't go into now. Actually, I don't think I'll talk about it in the future either!

Our journey was safe and there were a lot of good things about it but well, I'm still learning how to deal with feelings of annoyance and disappointment!!! It helps to keep reminding myself that people have different values and different conceptions of time but I can only repeat that to myself so many times before my blood starts to boil again. I was surprised when one of my (new-ish) friends in the car commented that I seemed very even-tempered and relaxed. However, as she wasn't the one who was annoying me, maybe she didn't notice that I was having a hard time keeping my cool.

Anyway, I was surprised that I had an amazing time at the conference. The two full days I was there, I was out and about for at least twelve hours each day running from one thing to the next! I spent a lot of time meeting up with old friends and acquaintances from grad school and thoroughly enjoyed myself listening to their stories and sharing some of my own. I'm learning that speaking up and telling my stories can do wonders not just for friendships, it also helps me in some indefinable way. I have much to learn about how much to say, when to pause, and when to ask the other person questions though.

The panel presentations that I listened to at the conference weren't as productive as the panels I attended last year, but I did enjoy them because I learned a few things I hadn't known or thought about before. And I realized just how far I have to go, and how young my work still is.

I also saw two of my teachers from graduate school--met up with one of them and had a brief conversation with another when I bumped into her on the street. I was very glad I had those conversations, however scattered and brief.

There's a new year's eve party tonight that promises to be really fun and I'm glad to be going. Hopefully I'll get to fit in a little more time of reflection before the party. I suppose I've already spent most of the morning in reflection but a little more time would be nice. I really should go back to work.