little pleasures

Met with my adviser yesterday to talk about my dissertation abstract, and she thought I had a very good first draft . . . . She was actually interested in my project. Wow. That made me excited.

And I'm finding books now that I wish I had thought to read last year (so that I would have a whole other year to read and process them). But maybe I wouldn't have found them interesting last year because I didn't become interested in the questions I'm interested in until this past summer. I want more time!!!!

My adviser liked what what I wrote. Wow.

great questions

• Saw a link to this on Sivin's site:
  
• 
  
• Am I conscious of the uniqueness of each period in my life?
• Do I think mainly in techniques or principles --- ideas or concrete proposals?
• How do I define "better?"
• How do I define accomplishment?
• How do I define good?
• How do I define integrity?
• How do I define my uniqueness?
• How many specific areas of responsibility are in my life? (e.g church, family, business, community, friends, charity, ministry organizations, etc)
• How would I define my present lifestyle?
• How would I define the lifestyle I would like to have?
• Is it easier for me to make my point in a group or one on one?
• What am I contributing to the common good?
• What am I waiting for?
• What are my abilities?
• What are my allergies (things that turn me off): emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically?
• What are my major/minor causes?
• What can I concentrate on at length?
• What concepts do I understand the best?
• What creates energy and excitement?
• What dissipates energy?
• What do others ask me to do?
• What is my comfortable social strata?
• What is my most productive mood?
• What keeps me from being what I want to be?
• What matters equally touch my head/heart?
• What opportunities can be created?
• What subjects interest me repeatedly?
• What will I be like in 1/5/10 years?
• When do I feel God is using me?
• When do I feel good?
• When do I feel guilty?
• Which subjects do I communicate best?
• Who and what commands my attention?
• Who can do what to help me?
• Who do I enjoy being with?
• Who is my current mentor and what is he doing for me?
• Who should I team with?
• Why am I doing what I am doing?
• Why do I procrastinate?

I like the questions, but I'm not quite sure how they are "mentoring questions."

Pictures from the canoe trip

More pictures of the trip's participants on my facebook album. I was really struck by how much we annoyed one another . . . and how much we accepted and loved one another despite how annoyed we got.

All the same, I'm glad it was only a three-day trip. :p

video from canoe trip

wired again

Been out of touch because after the canoe trip, I moved back into T-house and because they were changing the network system, we didn't get internet in our rooms until last night. Spent the morning clearing out my inbox and catching up with some news from different friends with blogs.

Haven't downloaded my pictures from the canoe trip yet, but here are Roxann's pictures. And here are Peter's pictures. Oh, and also Part 2.

The past couple of weeks have been a series of goodbyes, especially to friends who came in either my year or the year before mine--so yes, it's been tough because we've been friends for about five years now. I didn't take pictures at most of the goodbye meals, but I did take a lot of pictures with Becky's camera at yesterday's CICF goodbye party.

Going to play badminton this evening after a two-week hiatus. Not looking forward to the huffing and puffing that comes when I stop cardio for that long.

Oh yeah, also slept at the sleep-study lab last night. Won't find out results for another couple of weeks.

a few scattered thoughts

Feeling a little emotional today. Stress? That time of the month coming (I hope it doesn't come this weekend because of the canoe trip)? Maybe I'm a little off because I couldn't sleep very well last night (couldn't really breathe last night because of my cold). Anyway.

Progress on what I need to do this week is going slow, but it is going and that makes me happy. I feel relieved, actually, and I suppose that counts as happiness!!

A little affirmation goes a long way. I spoke briefly with the pilates teacher today about how I still can't do certain movements, and I found it really helpful when she looked me in the eye and gently assured me that it's okay, different people find different movements difficult and that I'm actually doing really well. She reminded me what muscles I should be working and to be patient, that eventually I will be able to do those movements as well.

I was beating myself up today because a friend wanted me to help her move because she doesn't have a car and I said no because I felt like I had to focus on my work (with a mid-day break of pilates). I really felt like a horrible person.

Then a few hours later, another friend asked me if I could drive him and his wife to the airport in S_r_cuse (1 hr away) on Aug 20, and before they finished their sentence, I said yes immediately. So on the one hand, it would take much less time for me to help my friend move a carload than it would be for me to drive this couple (it would consume about 2.5 hours of my time), but it was so much easier for me to say yes in the second instance.

This is why:

1. The Couple have been my friends for 5 years or so, and my generosity is a poor reflection of their generosity to me. I've really only known Friend X for a few months at the most and not very well, at that. This doesn't mean that I want to help only those who help me, but I think it is true that I've come to care for The Couple in a deeper way.

2. I don't feel like Friend X even takes the time to listen seriously to what I have to say, although this is probably because of the stress in her own life. I need to be careful not to assume that this is because her character is flawed.

3. The Couple planned way ahead and gave me time to work my schedule around their need! Friend X asked me today, and she knows that I'm working on some really stressful stuff this week and I need to turn drafts in by Friday. Another friend emailed in the morning asking if I had time to talk later this evening, and I said yes and don't feel like it's a burden because this friend was very considerate of my time and isn't demanding a listening ear simply because it's something *she* needs done today, right now. When people show that they understand that I'm busy and therefore need to set boundaries for what I can do or give, I am actually much more willing to try and give more than I originally would.

(Notice how I'm not thinking of the financial cost of these favors, but of how much time it would take--although, money is really a form of labor-time!)

I often feel frustrated because most Christians don't understand what it means to be on the job market in the humanities . . . they're mostly in the sciences or the social sciences, and the job markets in those areas are much better right now. It really sucks when people dismiss the struggles I face because subsequently I am less inclined to share . . . which causes them to feel like I'm shutting them out . . . which then frustrates me even further.

I understand that I'm not supposed to worry or stress out, but I still struggle with it. I'm sorry, I do. Dismissing the fact that I am stressed (for very good reasons!) or just brushing it off does not help one bit.

not so bad

Feeling better about that friend. Guess I just needed to vent! We also had fun conversations today, so it's all good. :)

The worst of my cold is over, which is amazingly quick given my track record.

I have a working dissertation title now! Won't share it because it will probably change--I'm very bad at coming up with titles.

frustration

You know what I really hate? People who assume that I'm not busy. I'm sorry, I am busy, and I can't do a lot of things right now because I have a shit load of things to do and just because I want to be nice and do some nice things for people every now and then, it doesn't mean they can assume that I'm going to be their babysitter. Sometimes, I just need them to listen to me whine and to take me seriously just as I take them and their whining seriously too.

UGGH. I need grace to show grace, PLEASE!!!

feeling ill

Have a bad cold (AGAIN!) and feeling yucky despite going full force with all meds.

Trying to figure out if I want to line up an apt for spring NOW, or wait until Nov to see if any thing opens up for the spring. I hate making decisions, I really do. One of the apts I'm considering is a basement apt, and it doesn't get much light, but I'm already thinking of getting a "light box" to help with my sleeping problems, so it won't matter much that the apt is kinda dark, right?

Saw the sleep doctor on Friday, and he suggested sitting in front of a light box for 30 mins when I wake up. Will also be going in for an overnight sleep study, although the doc seems to think that my probs are due to bad habits and stress. Among the (very impossible) habits that he wants me to inculcate are:

- no bright lights (TV, computer, reading lights) as soon as possible after dark.
---> What will I do??? Sit around and shake my legs? No work??? Sigh.

- no heavy exercise after dinner-time (6pm)
---> Most of my badminton buddies can only play after work!

- no naps
---> I limit myself to one nap (15 mins) a day otherwise I don't know how I'd make it.

- no thinking or reading in bed
---> This means I have to do all my work sitting up straight (no sofas, no couches for me because of my back problems, remember?)

Life is hard, very hard. But I suppose if I do all this, my life will actually resemble most normal people's . . . except that I can't play badminton after 7pm.

change

got this from naomiobi's blog:

abandoned expectations

from today's slice of infinity:

Noted author and pastor Craig Barnes poignantly describes the emergence of new perspectives as the very process of conversion:

"The deep fear behind every loss is that we have been abandoned by the God who should have saved us. The transforming moment in Christian conversion comes when we realize that even God has left us. We then discover it was not God, but our image of God that abandoned us.... Only then is change possible."

Indeed, Joseph reveals his new perspective to his brothers who betrayed him; "As for you, you meant evil against me but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive" (Genesis 50:20). This is no biblical cliche. Joseph did witness God's intervention and love. But not in the way he expected. God has not promised to make our lives go as we plan. Instead, God promises to give us the necessary new perspective to see his goodness and grace in the midst of our abandoned expectations.

unbelievable

Friend E hurt her finger and asked me to drive her to the university clinic. The x-rays show that her wasn't broken but she's waiting to hear back to see it's fractured. She's hoping that it's only jammed, and that she'll be able to play frisbee again soon (that's how she hurt her finger). We got everything done around lunchtime so we went to CTB's together and had a good conversation.

E confessed that it scares her that men are so visual in their orientation to how "attractive" a woman is or is not . . . I was a little stunned to hear her say that because E is gorgeous. Beautiful. I am always shocked to I learn that my amazing, beautiful, wonderful female friends worry about their bodies or faces. They are lovely inside and outside . . . and they still worry. It's a horrible world where beautiful women are so constantly critical of themselves and so afraid that they are unloved and unloveable.

On another note, I didn't get much sleep last night (thanks to a sinfully-rich choc dessert full of caffeine) and am really barely functional today. Sigh.

Ps - E knows that beauty fades, and she's afraid that if a man loves her now because of her physical appearance, he might stop loving her one day.