closing out 2010

chrismas and new year

Christmas this year reminded me to wait and to let go, and I think that will be a good thing to practice as I enter 2011. Best to you and yours as you reflect on 2010 and welcome 2011!

perspective

One of my childhood friends observed recently in an email that I seem to be constantly stressed but also that I always seem to make it through. Maybe, she wondered, it's because God is so amazing in my life, unlike in hers. This observation stopped me in my tracks because my friend is right. God has been amazing in my life but deep down inside, I have trouble believing that He will keep providing. Some day, the boom has to fall and I'll find out that God will just let go.

That is not true. God will be faithful.

As insightful as my friend YW was, she was wrong about one thing. God is also amazing in her life. We're both guilty of not seeing how He has worked and continues to work with both power and gentleness in both our lives.

I'm very much looking forward to attending Christmas eve service tonight and renewing my vows to the God who is not only all-powerful and all-knowing, but who is also all-loving.

up north

My old boss from LA was in M'sia for a conference and then we went on a research trip up north. Here we are at the Peranakan Museum!

blast from the past

One of my committee members co-organized a symposium held here at my institution, which means I got to say hello and have a brief conversation with him. It's been, what, 2.5 years since I left Ith__ ?? I didn't realize how long 2.5 years really feels until he hugged and kissed me on the cheek. I sat in on most of the panel discussions for today (had to attend dept meetings yesterday, ugh) but I had to leave the room before the roundtable ended because I couldn't bear to say goodbye in person. He was sitting at the head of the table so I stood at the back of the room until he noticed me, then I waved goodbye.

back in HK again

I've been gone 3 weeks but I feel like I've lived a lifetime in those three weeks. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing yet but I certainly enjoyed my time back home. Now I'm back to a lot of....running around. I'm trying desperately to remain calm, make lists of what I need to do, check items off as I do them, and trust that everything will go well.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm more negative than I need to be--if you think so, do let me know!!--or if I need to change some things about my life. Okay, off I go to a meeting that starts in a couple of minutes.

I get home on the 26th, and I'm hoping there are still tickets left for either the 27th or the 28th!!! This woman is absolutely brilliant!!

transition again

No, I'm not really going anywhere. I'm just marking the point when I began to think seriously about having to step up to the plate and take care of people whom I usually think of my caretakers in general. No, this is not really about my parents but it will be in the future. I'm not exactly responsible for taking care of another adult at this point but I had to think about it in the past few days and it was terrifying.

The thought provoked emotional distress for reasons that cannot be named in public but since I don't have to assume too much responsibility for my parents--which will be emotionally difficult--immediately, I have time to prepare myself for the eventual day.

What started me on all this? Something very small happened and I'm glad it did because my emotional reaction was overblown and consequently, I was forced to stop and think about it. I'm glad I'm thinking about this now because if something unexpected like a sudden illness had happened, I would have been completely unprepared to become the adult I will eventually have to become.

almost there

TWO MORE WEEKS OF TEACHING and then I leave for a 3-week research trip in M'sia!! (My brother will be staying in my apt, so if there are any would-be burglars out there reading this post, please don't even try.) I know I shouldn't post about trips before I take them but I can't help it!!! I cannot wait for the semester to end!

Both my classes went very well this week but I'm tired of writing lectures, giving them, and of grading. I need a break! When I started the semester, I was writing 9-page single-spaced lecture notes. This week, I realized that I can actually get by on 4 pages. I guess I'm learning how to think and talk on my feet! At points, I realized that I didn't truly understand parts of the text myself until I had to figure out different ways to explain difficult concepts to the students.

I'm learning a lot from my time here but I'm tired and I still have two deadlines that I have to meet this week and I can't just waste time surfing the net today!!!! Please, God, let me be productive! All day meetings with MA students tomorrow (Saturday), so it looks like I'm still going to be pretty tired when Monday comes around. Sigh.

cooler weather

Been busy with family visiting. Then an academic friend from outside HK arrived in town for a short research trip and had to bunk with me for a night after she started getting bug bites at her cheap hotel. (She has since moved to a nicer, cleaner hotel.) Another good friend will be flying in tomorrow with her two kids and helper, and all of them will be staying with me until Sunday.

I've also been busy with writing a research grant proposal that will be very important for my position here in the university and it's been rough but I just need to make one or two more tweaks and it will be off my hands for good. I do need to finish an essay this weekend and it is only about a quarter written at most so that is very stressful. Add all that onto my normal teaching/grading load and I've just about had it with this semester. Cannot wait for it all to end but I know that once the semester ends, I'll have to grade exams and papers!!!!

My shoulder has improved a lot but the doc said that I still need to be careful when I exercise because I'm still at the stage when I can easily re-injure the shoulder. So I still haven't been able to play badminton and that makes about a month now. And I think I'm coming down with that cold that has been spreading like wildfire on campus, so no exercise until I feel better. To say that I'm feeling grumpy is to put it mildly but ..... I suppose I can be thankful for family and friends. And that even though the weather is cooler now, it's really not all that cold. (But yes, I do feel cold!!)

lesson #284945

I learned that when you have an injury, you sometimes feel like it will never heal, that the pain will never go away, and that you will never be able to do what you love again. Luckily, the shoulder sprain isn't too serious so I am feeling better and it is a very good feeling to have. I love being able to move more or less normally again!

My shoulder is still weak so I'm exercising with caution, and will only use very light weights so far. After a couple of days of exercise, some soreness is returning and that's making me a bit anxious. Hopefully my physiotherapist will have good news for me when I see her next week. I hope what I'm experiencing is a normal part of the healing process and not a sign that I've developed a chronic injury.

I promise to no longer be lazy about stretching my upper body!!

ps - the number of this post was random. this saves me from actually having to keep track of a series!

difficult

From Henri Nouwen's "Here and Now":

"Imagine your having no need at all to judge anybody. Imagine your having no desire to decide whether someone is a good or bad person. Imagine your being completely free from the feeling that you have to make up your mind about the morality of someone's behavior. Imagine that you could say: 'I am judging no one!' Imagine--wouldn't that be true inner freedom?" (60).

"But--we can only let go of the heavy burden of judging others when we don't mind carrying the light burden of being judged!" (61).

This is difficult to do because we are often surrounded by people who are abusive, manipulative, or who are so emotionally unhealthy as to be destructive to others. A part of me cannot suspend judgment even if I do recognize that such a suspension is necessary because it brings freedom to the self (and to others to, but more to the self). My conclusion? I think that Christianity is a faith that asks for a lot, and it is a faith that requires of its adherence a whole lot more of giving away of self than any other belief system (religious or not).

sick and tired

Well, it looks like I won't be allowed to exercise with my arm for at least another week. It's tough when you can't work out to get rid of stress!! October is a rough month for me because I have two work-related deadlines besides teaching prep. And my MA students are turning in short papers next week--50 papers to grade over Fall break!

I'm thankful for.....the good weather we've been having! Sun and blue skies today, plus cooler winds....(but no windsurfing allowed, aagggh!) Just kidding. I'll stop with the complaints now.

Blood drive on campus this week so I'll donate tomorrow and take time to rest after that. If I don't get enough rest, I'll probably get sick soon. Leading my church home group in lectio divina on Friday evening.

injured

My shoulder has been hurting for a couple of weeks and I finally went in to see the physiotherapist who told me not to do any exercise that requires vigorous movements or heavy lifting with my right arm for 1-2 weeks. I've never hurt my shoulder before and when she told me I shouldn't play badminton this weekend, my head had a hard time processing her words.

I think I sprained my shoulder from a combination of carrying heavy bags of groceries and books, trying to learn a blocking move in wing chun, and from falling so much (and therefore needing to pull the sail up) during my windsurfing course and exam. Two weeks isn't very long at all but it feels like a century. She did say that if my should seems better next week, I may be able to play again. I've never ever been told that I cannot play because of an injury and the pain's not fun to live with. In the meantime, I'm taking ibuprofen with my meals, icing my shoulder when I can, and stretching it gently when my arm starts to feel numb from working at the computer.

 I can't imagine how people who have chronic pain live their lives because I am grumpy enough as it is.

no way!!!

Now this op-ed has turned everything I ever thought about colds upside down and inside out.

good times II

(This post is about making a note of blessings when I actually do feel thankful for them.)

I'm very thankful for the mentors I have had. That I have met and known, and continue to know, so many wonderful people--mentors and peers--is the singular blessing of my life. I will always be amazed by the lives of those who have been generous with their stories. The problem with my life in HK so far is that the people I meet are relatively homogenous. This is not to say that my friends here don't have amazing life stories. They do. And I'm sometimes meeting Chinese who come from places other than HK. But I'm not meeting the people who are so radically different and who nonetheless still connect with me at some deep level. Does that make sense? I guess I'm taking for granted that I am already making friends here in HK. But something's missing, and I think it's that I'm not making deep connections across either race, class, gender, sexuality, or age, or whatever else that is usually the basis for deep friendships.

I'm onto something here but I'm not sure I've fully worked out the thought. (And this post is too me-centered, but oh well. Next time I'll blog about someone or something else!)

---

Update: Maybe this just means I need to move out of my comfort zone here. Ugh, but I'm already so tired....

good times

I was looking through some of my old posts, and I saw this one. I wrote this as I was reflecting on the lessons I learned while I was in LA, and a part of me needs to remember some of these lessons now. In some ways, I think I am now a little further on than I was back then, but in other ways, I feel like I've not taken a step forward at all! Anyway, I just want to remind myself that these things happened, and I'm thinking about them now.

What lessons am I learning now? I'm not sure. I think I need to set aside time to really think that through.

-----

1. At the beginning of the fall last year, God said, "Trust Me."
2. I asked for healing from fear and I have been healed somewhat. Quite a bit actually, except that I'm constantly worrying over the current or upcoming challenge that I often forget how far I've come. I still have a fear of public speaking. :)
3. This past summer, I asked God to show me if I can write at a high level; if I can't, I need to look for a different job because academia is probably not for me. What I learned this past year was that I am dependent upon God for the daily progress I make in my work. For now, at least, I will remain in academia (mostly because I have a job for at least the next three years!).
4. I've come to see that God brought healing into my life even before I knew how to ask for it.
5. I need to live as if I will never go hungry again because God will never stop loving me.
6. A lesson on pedagogy that I learned from J. Y. during his visit: "First, tell them what they want to hear. Then, tell them what God wants them to hear." The challenge comes after comfort.
7. If I remain in Christ, I will give out of my fullness.
8. I've been introduced to the pleasure and awe that comes from seeing how God works in the lives of others, especially old friends. It is a privilege to walk with friends and to know them well enough to notice the changes in their character. I suspect that this will be one of the more valuable blessings of growing old and I hope that others will be blessed in this way too.
9. I want to have a spiritual mentor who is physically in the same place as I am. And I want to learn how to be a mentor myself. (The latter really scares me though.)
10. I want to trust that God is sovereign and that He is good.

Pedagogy and mentoring

I think I've been lucky--sometimes--to have had really wonderful mentors in my life. Everyone's always so busy, of course, so I'm always thankful for every little bit of time I can get from Person X or Person Y. I've been teaching for a few years now too but as a grad student and postdoc, my students usually stayed with me for only one or two semesters at a time before I or they moved on. Teaching usually gives me pleasure but I've not had the opportunity to develop the best kind of mentoring relationships I've been in as someone who is mentored. That is, I've not mentored someone the way I've been mentored (in the best possible ways, I mean).

This might change now that I'm more or less settled in one institution--for as long as they want me!--but I'm also not sure how I feel about becoming a mentor. I just bumped into the chair of my dept right outside my office, and she told me that she's been hearing good things from my MA students this semester. And well, I'm suspicious as always when I hear compliments, and somewhat relieved. But I'm also alarmed at the thought of having to be a mentor in the future. Can I afford to be as vulnerable as some of my mentors have been when I'm not quite as smart as those who have mentored me?

I don't think my mentors are perfect. In fact, what most alarms me about the mentoring relationship is that you do learn to see one's mentor's weaknesses. My mentors were a lot older, smarter, and more established when they became my mentors, and I cannot possibly be anything like them, so their vulnerabilities reveal less than what mine might reveal..... Sigh.

more on the fun stuff

I took the gov water center's beginner's course and assessment this weekend, and I passed!!!! It was a two-day course and on the first day, I found that I could do very little of what I had previously learned, and I'm not sure why. I almost decided against going to the second day of the course because I was so sure I would fail the test in the afternoon, but I couldn't give up because my brother and a couple of my friends had signed up together as a group. I couldn't give up because I was the only girl in the group.

Anyway, I gritted my teeth and prayed hard for light winds, and thank God that we did have light winds, and also that by the afternoon, I finally understood what I was doing. My arms and back are very sore and tired from having to haul and rehaul the sail every time I lost my balance and fell into the water. But I think I'm going to keep going when I can and hope that I don't forget what I learned this weekend! Renting gear from the gov centers is much cheaper AND they include wetsuits for the winter too, so it makes sense to learn this sport now. At about USD 4 an hour for a rig and wetsuit? That's a pretty good deal.

Teaching moves apace but publishing is still very slow. By the end of October, I need to send off an essay for a small book collection (published by a minor press) but I haven't started writing it!!!

Am I happy? I think so. I am happy most of the time, and as some of you have pointed out, that's as much as anyone of us can hope for. ;)

oh boy

I think I have a good life but I always seem to be complaining! Well, here I go again....I'm tired!! Managed to get a windsurfing workshop this weekend, and since it is taught by instructors at the gov center here, the fees are cheap and we're lucky to actually get an appointment. But now I'm so tired that I'd like to back out but if I don't do it now, I won't get to do it until next summer! Taking this course will also enable me to rent windsurfing boards from the gov at about $3 an hour, which is much cheaper than the private centers. But after this weekend, who knows when I'll have the energy to go windsurfing?? Plus, now that the weather is cooler, I'd have to buy a wetsuit .... sigh.

I'm sure it'll be fun, I just hope I won't fall sick after the weekend.

story from the classroom

I wanted to put this on FB but decided against it. Last night, I barely held back the giggles when one of my MA students introduced himself as "Frosty." I was taken back enough when another student introduced himself as "Swift," but when "Frosty" said his name, I was facing the entire class and I can't remember if I managed to keep a straight face but I'll pat myself on the back for not laughing out loud at that point. I giggled my way to sleep after class though.

good morning

I am starting the day with peace. I have no answers, but I do have peace. A friend shared with me a piece that she used to sing with her choir:

Deep peace of the running wave to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
Deep peace of the Son of Peace to you.

i need a vacation

I can't believe how busy the last couple of weeks have been and I'm hoping to finally settle into a rhythm soon. We all dread the first couple of weeks of school and I think that it's usually better once we get used to our schedules but at this point, I wonder if that is just wishful thinking or even a delusion I've convinced myself is true. This semester is brutal because I have 50 students in my MA class, and 40 in the undergrad class. (Both classes are full.) Next semester, the class that is capped at 50 is already full, but the class that is capped at 40 has low enrollments. I've been told I need to up it a little but haha, a part of it wants me to keep that low so that I won't have as much grading to do!!!!

a jealous god

I've always struggled to understand the notion of a jealous God.

What does it mean to worship a God who is capable of feeling

jealousy?

I think I'm learning now what it means....what joy! How 

amazing and wonderful that the God I love is a jealous God!

--- 

Daily Meditation for August 15, 2010
                written by Henri Nouwen
 
_........................................................._
 
Protecting Our Hiddenness
 
If indeed the spiritual life is essentially a hidden

life, how do we protect this hiddenness in the midst 

of a very public life?   The two most important ways

to protect our hiddenness are solitude and poverty. 

Solitude allows us to be alone with God. 

There we experience that we belong not to people, not 

even to those who love us and care for us but to God 

and God alone.  Poverty is where we experience our 

own and other people's weakness, limitations, and 

need for support.  To be poor is to be without 

success, without fame, and without power.  But there 

God  chooses to show us God's love.
 
Both solitude and poverty protect the hiddenness of our
lives.

---

Every now and then, people will say something like, "Oh,

we should go back to the fervor we felt when we first

discovered Christ's love! New Christians are so much

more passionate than those of us who have been 

Christians for much longer." I think that's a crazy-

making idea. The myth that new Christians are the 

"most passionate" rings untrue for me, even when it is

said precisely to encourage those new Christians. 

I would not go back to that time for anything.

This isn't to say those times were bad, but I am so much

in awe of what God has done, I am so much

in awe of how He speaks to me now, and I can't wait to see 

what the future will be like!

CS Lewis was very wise. In one of the Narnia books--can't 

remember which one--Lucy meets Aslan after a long separation

and she remarks in surprise, "You've grown bigger!" Aslan then

replies, "You'll find that I grow bigger as you grow bigger" 

(my own poor paraphrase). 

Well, maybe I should be more sensitive and encouraging to 

others around me. I just need to figure out how to be that

without saying things I don't think are true! 

masih keliru

I think I'm noticing a pattern to the periods when I have felt "happiest." I hope I'm wrong though. It's too early to go public with these thoughts and I'm sure that in the future, when I look back at this post, I'll kick myself for being so vague that even I can't remember what these thoughts are! But I just had to write something about it even if I can only be vague at this time.

Let's just say that happiness has to do with being in certain kinds of friendships. Even this may be a bit too much to post but oh well. Some people who know me well may guess what I'm talking about so please don't post the answer in the comments section, just send me an email!!!

what would you do if you had a year left to live?

I hate rhetorical questions like this one because it's impossible to live as if you only had a year left to live when you do have to plan for all those others years that have been allotted to you. Okay, that was a badly written sentence, but never mind. (And never mind also that rhetorical questions are never meant to be answered.) We used this ice-breaker again at home church a couple of weeks ago and I groaned inwardly but came up with a fairly honest answer: "I'd travel the world with my friends."

And today, I realized that yes, I would like to travel the world with my friends. It is such a pleasure to either discover new places together or to show someone around a place that is somewhat familiar to me. So if I had a year left to live, I would visit with my friends. Hah. See how impractical this rhetorical question is?? What has that revealed?? (I suppose we should just exercise self-discipline and not answer rhetorical questions.)

I'm not quite sure how to make sense of all the emotions I'm feeling right now. I'm thankful, sad, tired, amazed, anxious, confused....and there have been many hours this week when I've felt excited and happy too (just not right now). Being thankful is an act of obedience at this point, even if it is easy to recognize that I have much to be thankful for!

It's very strange, but the Malay word for "confused," i.e. keliru, seems to resonate more strongly than the English word even though I am predominantly an English speaker. I don't even know why I noticed that, maybe I'm trying to distract myself. Anyway.

Had a great time with SMS who was in town for a speaking engagement and at first I thought MS and I would only be spending an afternoon and evening with her but it turns out that we got to see her for three days of her six day stay. Saying good-bye is always tough.

This came at a kairotic moment: 

Daily Meditation for August 25, 2010
                written by Henri Nouwen
 
_........................................................._
 
Love and the Pain of Leaving
 
Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open
ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love
cause us not only great joy but also great pain.   The
greatest pain comes from leaving.  When the child leaves
home, when the husband or wife leaves for a long period 

of time or for good, when the beloved friend departs to 

another country or dies ... the pain of the leaving can 

tear us apart.
 
Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we 

will never experience the joy of loving.  And love is 

stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope 

stronger than despair.  We have to trust that the risk 

of loving is always worth taking.
 
              ''''''''''''''''''''''''''

One week left of the summer!

School starts up again in September and I'm having mixed feelings about it. I'm relieved that I've finalized the syllabus and course reader for one class and I'm almost done with the other class. But I'm also bracing myself for the whirlwind that the first month of school usually is. This fall, I'm teaching two introductory-type classes, one for undergrads and the other for the MA program, and they require a lot of reading, especially on my part! Since I have to cover a few texts/authors that are not a part of my own research interests, I need to read a little more so that I can explain difficult concepts to others. I'm nervous.

I haven't done enough research this summer either so I'm sad to see the summer come to an end but hey, who knows what the fall will bring!

another random conversation in my head

I often daydream about conversing with different friends especially when I'm trying to think things through. It usually means I'm missing this or that particular old friend and wishing that I could actually talk to the person. But anyway, I was trying to describe Col to an old friend, and in this imaginary conversation, I said, "Oh, he is like CCM!" And as practice, in my head, I thought of how to first describe Col in positive ways.

He is warm. He is affectionate. He enjoys being around people. He is devoted.

But he can also be stifling. Smothering. Obsessive!!

Col and CCM are the kind of guys that are very attractive to most women but not to someone like me. I think I'm realizing that I'm actually pretty happy with some things about being single....such as not having someone breathe down my neck.

I agreed--a little reluctantly--to play mixed doubles with Col in a competition that one of his business organizations is putting on so we played together last weekend at one of the clubs we both go to, and he was also more "attentive" when we were watching other pairs play. But as much as I appreciate his friendship, I realized that I'm really glad we're only platonic friends because......I need my space. Someone like Col would drive me nuts. He called me 4-5 times on Sat and I didn't pick up because I didn't want to talk at that point and later he said he called me so many times because he was "worried" about me.

????!!!

Theoretically, I appreciate the concern but really, I'll ask for help if I need it and I don't want to be picking up the phone because someone else is worrying about me when there's nothing to worry about. Does that make sense or am I crazy??? 

So, I hope this just means that I'm not interested in having Col be an intimate part of my life, and I hope it does not mean that I'm meant to be single forever although if it's a choice between a guy like Col or being single, I choose to be single. Maybe I'd be happy to have a different kind of guy breathe down my neck, although I'm pretty sure a guy who's independent and busy would probably work better for me. Like I said, guys like Col would be great for most women, just not someone like me.

Must remember that all gifts are to build up, encourage and bless the community.

headache

Luckily, I don't suffer from headaches like some of my friends but I get what I think of as the "heavy head" syndrome. That's when I can't seem to hold my head upright and all I want to do is hold my head in my hands. I'm having an attack right now. I turned in a seed research grant that is supposed to be automatically granted to new profs at my institution but I've just been told that I have 10 days to revise it because the project sounds too advanced.

Advanced my foot! I've barely begun this work!! So now I have to go back and do more work to make it seem more like a pilot project. Thanks a lot, really, thanks.

Went for a short run yesterday now that my cold symptoms have cleared up but by the end of the run, I was close to blacking out. I'm going to try another short run this evening, and that will give me an indication of whether or not I'll be ready to go running tomorrow with my home group from church.

still miserable but smiling

I spent most of the past four days trying my best to get better and my bones which had previously turned to jello are slowly recovering as well but the congestion is only partly gone. I really must find a way to get sick less often!!!! This time round, the muscle aches and chills were the worst I've ever experienced. For a moment I thought I had the flu but then concluded that it can't be because I was keeping food down. I picked up a 1078-page translation of Alexander Dumas's "The Count of Monte Christo"--which I had never read, believe it or not--and finished it this morning. The novel was quite entertaining but it also required a great amount of effort to suspend disbelief.

Anyway, two reasons why I'm smiling:

First, a now-retired popular HK singer who loves badminton showed up to the Sat night badminton group I usually play with.....I was too sick to play but I showed up to watch and made sure to wear a surgical mask. Yeah, I couldn't resist. (And I was so exhausted just from watching!! This cold has really drained me.) The club's organizer told me about her visit a couple of days ago and I was convinced he was pulling my leg so he said, "Come and see for yourself! You're not allowed to play because you didn't sign up before the spots were filled up but you can just come." So I did. I was too shy to ask for her pic although she was very bubbly and generous with everyone who wanted a pic. The pic here is of the celebrity (in the middle) with the club organizer and his wife.

Second, the aforementioned club organizer, Adr, was FB chatting with me a couple of hrs after the session and I'm not sure how but he started asking me how old I was, if I had a boyfriend, etc. He already knew that I have a PhD and when he found out that I'm turning 32 this year, he said "You have to lower your standards. And don't tell people that you are a professor. Just tell them you are a teacher. If you tell people you have a PhD, it is like taking out a sword and killing them." Then he recommended a local dating site for people in our faith community and said "They won't take you on after you hit 35."

So now I'm smiling because it's really funny. I'm sure Adr sincerely believes everything he said to me and I'm not naive enough to disbelieve him but.....well, it's nice to have sincere friends, yes?? 

Okay, I need to go lay down again.

Can't find a good youtube music video of SY, but in this video, she sings one of the theme songs to an old movie from the early 90s. She doesn't show up on screen but you can hear her voice.

doldrums

I think my body is fighting another vicious virus. No fair, I was sick for two weeks back in April!!!! So far, I'm not congested and if I have a temperature, it's very slight but my whole body is weak and aches all over. Hopefully, rest, fluids, and vitamins will help stave it off but I'm running low on food and it's been raining hard over here. I hope it stops raining before I have to drag myself out to get more food. During times like this, being single sucks.

giants of faith

During home church meeting last night, I suggested we describe one person we respect or admire as part of our ice-breaker. I thought it would be an easy ice-breaker because I can go on for hours just talking about the different people who have made a difference in my life. To my surprise, almost everyone had to think long and hard before they could come up with one person.

I guess I should be very, very grateful that I've met so many wonderful and amazing people, both in and outside of the faith.

minor epiphany

I just realized that I hate repetitions. I hate doing the same thing or living the same kind of experience more than once. Learning a new skill or sport requires practice and repetition but with some sports, even repeating the same move can contain miniscule differences. It's definitely true with badminton since everyone plays differently and when you put four people on the same court you have an almost limitless number of permutations of shots. It is also true that if you don't vary your sparring partners, the game becomes too predictable and therefore boring.

And I've been fortunate that life hasn't become boring yet! There are days when I long for stability and a routine that will last more than a year or so but I grudgingly admit that I would be bored if and when that happens. Sometimes, I think that certain struggles that I go through over and over again frustrate me precisely because I hate that it is repetitive even though clearly, I haven't learned how to get through whatever it is. And this also why I hate memorizing Bible verses--too much repetition necessary!! Hmmm, what does this all mean??

things to think about

Last week, I officially recognized and celebrated the fact that I've been taking baby steps in my work! This week, I have to gather up my courage and do more of it.....But I know now that I can make some headway in work as long as they are baby steps and as long as I don't let fear shackle me down. I need to keep moving forward after a bit of rest.


Last week also showed how mistaken I was to assume that I've seen--and thus am no longer surprised by or have difficulty with--a lot of different kinds of relational troubles. Since this is a blog that only friends have access to, I feel like I can be a bit more up front about how I feel but sometimes I wonder how much of what I write counts as gossip too, so I'll try to be as general as possible without giving away this person's identity.

I stuff my foot in my mouth on a regular basis and I think I did that again this past weekend. When I asked the person I think I offended if there was anything wrong, he just said "Oh, I'm just tired." (No, this is not a romantic relationship but for reasons that will become clear, gender is important to this story.) To cut a long story short, I took him at his word at that point but as time passed, he was clearly sulking and acting in a passive aggressive manner, i.e. he wouldn't talk as he normally did and if i said anything, he gave monosyllabic answers.  This became especially clear in group conversations when he engaged others in the group but then looked tired or bored when I spoke. After awhile, I just ignored him and refused to speak to him until he spoke to me--and he did when he saw that I engaged others in conversation rather than him.

(Nota bene: I'm now very good at being self-sufficient in social situations. I wouldn't like to live on a desert island by myself but I suspect that I would find a way to live a happy and fulfilled life regardless.)

Hanging out with someone who acts in this way is really not much fun and I am quite convinced now after several observations that he acted that way because I had somehow hurt his fragile, little male ego. If I'm right, and I think I am, then I feel very sorry for my female friends who are married to men who don't know how to deal with conflict because I was around this guy for only a few hours and I was tired, upset, and hurt myself. I can't imagine being married to someone who treated me like this off and on and off and on again.

I know I was wrong to have been careless with my words and honestly, I do my very best to guard my tongue most of the time--which is why I avoid people when I'm tired and can no longer guard my tongue--and yes, I do have wrong ideas in my head still and will invariably act and speak in ways that are a reflection of those wrong ideas. But rather than have someone revert to passive aggressive behavior, I'd much prefer a gentle confrontation if possible, and if not, I'd even prefer a shouting match so that the issues are at least on the table. Right now, I can't even apologize for what I said because I'm not 100% sure that what I said is what's bugging him. (I also suspect that several other things happened that chipped away at his ego that afternoon so I am not wholly to blame, but I very much wish I could be certain.)

Well, when I was younger and wasn't as aware or in control of my emotional responses, I had the great luck of being surrounded by more mature people who loved me and didn't turn away from me even when I hurt them. It's payback time now. I shouldn't turn away from friendship with this guy and I can only hope that over time, things will get better. (No, I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with this guy but I honor and enjoy platonic friendships greatly.) In the meantime, I need to go brush up my skills at smiling vapidly and acting in a deferential manner. And if I can't do those things, I'll just act like the quiet, reserved, serious person that I sometimes am anyway.

I wish I had a better answer to this. And I hope to God that if I do get married, my husband would have learned a lot of conflict resolution skills. (Yes, I need to keep working on my own too!)

limits

Okay, I know now that I can't schedule a windsurfing session the same day I play badminton. My legs and back get so fatigued after windsurfing. Never again! Also, the soreness of my back muscles tells me that windsurfing is pushing me to use back muscles that I don't normally use. This is great as long as I am careful to maintain proper posture because the last thing I want is to injure my lower back.

I actually don't really have much to say at this point, but wanted to talk out loud randomly. I'm a little tired of eating. Can't seem to think of what I'd like to eat and tend to rush through my meals a little too quickly so that I'm done with it. I get hungry, of course, and that's why I eat but I'm not eating for pleasure right now and I don't know why that is. It'd be nice if I could stop feeling hungry so that I don't have to eat at all!!! Isn't that weird? I usually love food.

energy!

YES!!! This post is not about how I'm lethargic, anemic (metaphorically speaking), or depressed (more or less metaphorical as well). I woke up at 7:30am and I've been moving slowly all morning but at least I've been moving! I have been sipping a very strong cup of HK-style milk tea so that might have something to do with it. HK-style milk tea is similar to M'sia's teh tarik; they're both loaded with caffeine. I prefer teh tarik, of course, but this will do every now and then. Caffeine does put me a little on edge so I really should commit to finding a green tea substitute. Green tea is also high in caffeine but the way the tea is processed (or plucked, dried, whatever) makes it a "softer" kind of tea. That is, it gives you the benefits of caffeine without its side effects.

But this new-found energy is not just a result of the tea, I think it's a result of two other things I'm doing as well. The first is, of course, badminton! I played three hours last night with a fairly decent group and was super tired out last night. I was afraid that I would be fatigued this morning but that hasn't happened. In retrospect, I think that I'm someone with a lot of nervous energy and if I don't channel that energy somewhere, my body somehow goes into the opposite direction and shuts down. It's weird but I'm now convinced that if I don't get enough exercise, I just feel sleepy and tired. I think I have a busy weekend ahead: thinking of going windsurfing on Sat morning, badminton on Sat night, then TWO sessions of badminton on Sun evening (trying out one new club and playing at my regular club), plus trying out another new club on Mon night, and then possibly playing for a second time at a different club (the club I played at last night for the first time) on Tues night. That would mean four consecutive days of a lot of exercise. It might be overkill but then again, maybe my body can handle it.

The second more important reason for this new found energy is theological. I've been enjoying the online sermons of a friend's former pastor. His sermons are only 30 mins long but I almost always learn something new. As I said in the post below, I've been listening to his sermon series on time and work and two insights have really made a large impact on my life this week. First, the insight that our life's rhythms are pegged to the seven-day schedule where everything we need to do in life, we have to do within seven days. That is, everything important to us has to take place within the seven day cycle, including work, play, and relationships. This means that we need to find time to rest within the week. And we need to find time to work and be in relationship with others as well.

I've been tired and I tried resting and resting and resting until I felt rested. That didn't work even though it sounds like it should work. This week, I'm trying an experiment. Yes, I still feel tired but I'm going to try to include as much work into my day as possible. Today is only Wednesday but I think there is truth to this seven-day-cycle idea. An old childhood friend made the observation a few weeks ago that I'm a "woman of extremes." It came up when I told her I was telling her that I'm picking up windsurfing. Her immediate reaction was to ask "When are you turning pro?" I laughed because I had thought seriously about it (and came to the conclusion that it would take far too many years to turn pro). But it was helpful for me to think about this. Being someone of "extremes" is useful at times because I push myself. But sometimes, it's more detrimental to life in general because I neglect other areas of my life and burn out on one thing.

The second insight from his sermons is that work is hard. You'll have to listen to his sermon yourself to understand the idea fully because this post is getting too long. But wow, that flummoxed me and it was also liberating. Work is hard. Why should I be surprised to find that it is hard? My mind and spirit have been shut down because I just couldn't face the work I was supposed to be doing. It has been such a struggle to get started on it and it is still such a struggle. But I'm going to keep going for now and see what happens.

This is different from doing a job that is "wrong" for you. I don't know if this job is right or wrong for me because I have never given my all. And right now, I'm excited by the thought of trying things out. I'm scared to death of failing. I'm scared to death of finding out that it is "wrong" for me and that I might not have the skills for it. But I shouldn't let that fear stop me from trying things out. And trying it out will be hard. But that's okay because work is hard.

paying the price

I don't have time to explore fully what I learned from the minor disagreement with my friend last week. I've realized perhaps a little belatedly that the worst decisions I've made in the past were always made when I felt threatened and was therefore either angry or afraid, or both. God has redeemed and will continue to redeem my bad decisions. I might have to live with the consequences of those bad decisions but at the end of the day, I know I will say that God was good, he is good, and that regardless of what happens, there is still much for which I can be thankful.

But at the same time, I'd like to be more careful about how I make my decisions, especially during moments of anger or fear. I hope that in the future, I'll take the time to stand back, breathe deeply, acknowledge the fear or anger, wait for the emotions to subside and only then begin to weigh my options. I'm not saying that everyone shouldn't make decisions out of fear or anger because sometimes we don't have the luxury of time and maybe not everyone has the same struggles as I do. But as for myself, I'd like to make that time whenever possible and it'd be nice if I could be more aware of my emotional states.

Well, last week, I also learned a bit about time and what the Bible has to say about time, thanks to a sermon series I've been listening to online. This summer, I'm struggling to take baby steps re work and so far, it has involved a lot of procrastination and napping to avoid work and the awful feelings it provokes. Opening that word document is the most difficult thing in the world. But this week, I've been doing it for two days now, only after much desperate prayer, "Oh, lord, help me help me help me help me!!!!", still more internet breaks, and still a lot of napping. (It doesn't help that my upstairs neighbor's air-conditioning unit is dripping and the drips are falling on my air-conditioning unit in loud pings that disrupt my sleep.) I'm working on easy editing at the moment and marking sections where I need to put serious thought into the writing. Hopefully I'll be on my way to more serious thinking and writing by the end of the week.

okay, i've got a problem

Do you know what I really really hate?? I really really hate it when people act needy. I called a friend recently, and she goes, "Oh, okay, what's up? Something's up. What's wrong?" As if I only call her when something's wrong.

FIRST off, she's the one who keeps saying: "Oh, call me if you need anything, okay? Just call me!" Okay, well, I'm new to the freaking place and in the past SIX months, sure I've had to call because I need advise or tips or directions. But honestly, I can't remember the last time I called her for help.

AND SECOND, this is the first weekend of July, and I was away for the first TWO WEEKS of June, then SHE was away for the third week of June, so we've been in the same city for one week when we haven't seen each other. Last I recall, we went windsurfing together the weekend before I left for Cyprus!!!! So all of a sudden, I don't call her except to ask for help????

This is so unfair. Okay, I admit it, I do NOT like to talk on the phone, I just don't. But guess what? I don't talk on the phone most of the time, it's not just her. And, I've been busy sleeping, watching TV and trying to get my act together, it's not like I've ditched her, I've ditched everyone else too! (Except for badminton and church, it's true, but I'm allowed to have some obsessions.)

UGH.

I hate it when I have moments like this where I feel like I'm a bad friend. Well, because it's not like she needed me to be there for her, you know?? If she was in trouble I'd be there. But she's not in trouble, and besides, what would we do? Go out to lunch? Watch a movie? So exciting .... 

Okay, fine, in my head I did think, "Well, it's not like we have the most exciting conversations and I can't think of anything to say to her so I'm just going to stay home." But does that make me the bad friend??? I feel like a teenager again.

Something's going on here and I don't know what it is, I just know that this is annoying me to no end, partly because I've had other needy friends in the past who made me feel like there's something wrong with me. Well, if there's something wrong with me because I like to stay home and I don't need to be as social as other people, then FINE, there's something wrong with me and if you can't handle it, just go away and leave me alone. Give me anymore of "oh something's up right, come on, something's got to be up" and you will never hear from me again. And it wasn't like we've been best friends all these years. Come on, I just moved here six months ago!!!!

Rant over. I'm still steaming but I have to stop. Stuff like this makes me want to go into counseling again because this is what we call "crazy-making."

-----

Update

Now that I've calmed down, I think I've learned a lot from what happened this weekend. More next time because I have to head out to church now but I'll just say for now that this touched a raw nerve and the next time something like this happens, I should probably wait 24hrs before doing or saying anything about it. I am glad that I didn't say anything to this friend though because if I had done it while I was mad, it wouldn't have worked out well.

back in the rut again

I realize that I don't respond to emails as quickly as I do when I'm working. In other words, if I'm not already at my desk trying to write, I don't bother to reply even the lovely chatty emails from friends. Sigh.

please say it ain't so......

Okay, it's obvious even to me that I need deadlines to work. True, it does take a bit of time to get over the sense of fatigue one develops after traveling through multiple time zones in a very short period, but it is also true that I was hugely productive when I had to write or risk having nothing to say in front of other people.

I'll think about setting personal deadlines. Living on adrenaline gets things done but oh how I hate living on adrenaline knowing that I'm going to collapse after that!!!!

back to routine life

Had a great time in Cyprus and have had a busy few days since getting back. Saw an old friend today for the first time in about SEVEN YEARS and it was very good to catch up. Life is very good. I'm very surprised at how much I love my life!!! Too tired right now to blog about new thoughts from the trip to Cyprus and I'm afraid that I may have forgotten them by now. Next time, I must be more disciplined about taking short notes when I don't have time to blog.

Here are the pics on FB.

HK's humidity in the summer is way worse than anything in M'sia. My clothes are soaked through with sweat by the time I walk to my office!!!!

gone for a bit!

If Paul Ogata ever performs in your neighborhood, Go!! He is very, very funny and sharp. I not only liked his prepared routine but also his sharp exchanges with the audience. Look him up on youtube for a sample.

Windsurfing was fantastic, except that I forgot to apply sunscreen on my hands and feet and I ended up being sunburned only on those places. I looked funny but worse, my feet especially felt awful and they are still stinging a little now. 

I get on the plane tonight and leave for a short break/conference before flying back here for another conference presentation the day after I get back. I'm more or less finished with the first paper but haven't begun the second one so I hope I get a lot of work done on the plane!!! I am very very excited to be leaving because I'm going to a place I've never been to before. I have four days on my own and I think I know what I'll be doing . . . . At this point, it looks like I'll be winging it for at least two nights, depending on how I figure out bus/lodging plans.

So I won't be updating this blog or visiting yours for awhile!!

I think I need to read this book. Okay, I do miss amazon.

FB :(

I still love using FB but now that I have a friends' list that is in need of some trimming and I have neither time nor gumption to do it, I'm a little more wary about posting status updates there. It's a bit sad since most of my friends don't have this blog address and I want to keep it that way. This is the place where I can think out loud without worrying too much. Well, I just wanted to have that on record.

Btw, I'm really loving the service here in HK. I can't get the drainage hole cover off my dehumidifier and since it is still covered by a 3-yr warranty, the company is sending over a service person to knock that piece of plastic out. Can't imagine this happening in the US!!! But I must say that returns and refunds are much better in the US.

exhausted again

Rough week with plenty to do but I'm more worried that I won't have the discipline to do what needs doing! Yes, I do work at the eleventh hour but this is cutting it close even for me. Here we go again!!

Fun things planned for the weekend: a proper windsurfing workshop and stand-up comedy. I should work hard so that I deserve those fun rewards.

I think I might need to go on an FB fast. Sigh.

run of the mill type of week

No drama to report, thankfully. I've been suffering from sinus allergies for the past 4 days and they aren't getting better so I'm a bit bummed. Went to an acupuncturist yesterday and it helped for a few hours but it got bad again just as I was trying to fall asleep and it was pretty bad this morning. I think it could be due to the pollution and I had a physically strenuous weekend so my immune system was probably a little compromised.

I went sea kayaking and windsurfing on Sat afternoon with a group from church--a few I had met before but they were mostly strangers--and then I played badminton that night as well as Sun night. My form wasn't at all good during windsurfing because I had no idea what I was supposed to do. The church friends who were teaching us adopted the get-up-and-go teaching technique and they didn't expect me to be able to get up and go in the first place much less go as far as I did. By the time I needed instructions for the step after "pull up the sail and hold on," I was already too far away to hear what they were shouting at me.

Well, my back was super sore from my bad form but I loved the experience so much I'm going to sign up for a proper workshop. The feel of skimming over the waves was unbelievable. And unlike skiing or snowboarding, making a mistake and falling over isn't punishing! You just fall into the water, that's all, you don't hit your head on hard packed ice or risk breaking a knee or falling of a cliff.

I spent last night refreshing FB for badminton scores my friends were posting. M'sia beat Denmark 3-2!! Everyone was on the edge of their seats incl me even though I couldn't see any of the action. That was tiring so I'm hoping someone with a webcam will be able to skype me into the TV action for the finals. Unfortunately, I'll be at church home group on Fri night when M'sia plays China in the semi's. BUT M'SIA HAS TO WIN AND GO ON TO THE FINALS!!!!

a little more clarity

(Continuation of thoughts from previous post.)

This season of life, I need to learn to take risks. When I was deciding about this job, I remember that I began to feel emotionally ready to make the move when the chair of the dept said over email that I should learn to take risks when I'm young. No American would've said it but it was something that moved me. And last night, during small group prayer at home church, the notion of taking risks really came to the fore for me.

So we'll see how things go. :)

decisions

I've been thinking about vocation for a long time and I've thought for a few months now that my time in here will be significant and I've finally figured out why. In some ways, I have a very strong personality and to some people at least, I come across as confident, talented, and decisive. Some who know me well will at least know that I may not always be as confident or decisive as I may seem. On the one hand, I respond very aggressively when threatened--at least I may feel threatened, others may not think they are threatening me--but being "aggressive" is not the same as being confident or sure of one's self.

I say this because even though sometimes I'm very clear about what I like or don't like--"No, I can't meet up with you tonight because I'm tired" or "No, I don't like to go to clubs, so you guys go have fun without me"--a part of me is still too much of a people-pleaser. I suspect this is why I'm in the field I'm in right now.

College was such a great time because I started learning well for the first time in my life (no thanks to the M'sian education system). I enjoyed my lessons and I excelled at them. I went on to grad school not knowing if I wanted to be an academic because my relationships with my teachers were so good. I stumbled most of my way through grad school because I didn't feel as nurtured and I didn't feel like I succeeded. Well, I lucked out and got into a postdoc program where I felt nurtured again and therefore felt like I was succeeding in my chosen profession! It is true that we all need feedback and we all need guidance and mentoring. But is that a good enough reason to keep working at it? I don't know.

To some degree, I walked through doors because they were open and it seemed reasonable to do so at the time and that is fine. But I feel so helpless in it all. Are my current employers going to offer me a contract renewal? If they don't, will someone else do so? My life seems very much in someone else's hands. And yes, I recognize God's hand in all of this. But his hand often seems so invisible. I've felt "fine" about my work only when I received affirmation from people in authority over me, and they happened to be smart, successful, caring, and wise women. But I can be a smart, successful, caring, and wise woman too without being in this line of work.

I don't know. I'm confused. But I will be praying for clarity. This period in my life will be "experimental" as in "let's see if I can do XYZ and be successful at it." Even if I decide at the end of this season of my life that I want to keep doing what I do, this time of careful searching will be valuable and necessary. (I hope.)

learning new things

What I love most about my life is the many different personalities that come in and out of my life. Not everyone hangs around for a long time and I've come to terms with that. I like friends who stick around for life but if someone is going to drop out of my life for a period, that's fine too. I just hope that I keep meeting new people who have vastly different life stories and/or personalities. The latter can be difficult sometimes but it does make life more fun.

Take this guy Col from my Sun night badminton group, for example. He's introduced a couple of us to another group that plays on Sat in Kowloon--quite far off and inconvenient but the level of play is higher--so we went out to dinner and then took buses there and back together so I got to learn more about him.

Col is exactly the kind of guy I grew up ... well, I kept my distance from people like him, to put it mildly. He smokes, goes clubbing, probably drinks heavily, and chases typical Asian beauties with big eyes, small faces, sharp chins, and soft voices. I'm only friends with Col now because we play badminton. I mean, I hate crowds, I don't really drink, and cigarette smoke makes me cough, so there's no way I'm going to go clubbing. (Actually now that I think about it, Col sounds a lot like my old xd partner, except that Arch's appreciation for feminine beauty fell on a wider spectrum and he was much less verbal about that appreciation.)

But what was interesting this past Saturday evening was watching Col charm everyone we met, including the (male) waiter at the kebab restaurant. Col has a beautiful fiancee in Japan (he showed me her pictures on his iphone) but he still checks out pretty girls on the street (I know because he points them out to me) and acts like a little rascal any chance he can get. He's a year older than I am but Col seems like such a kid. I am learning that he can be thoughtful about certain things, like how difficult it might be for his fiancee when she moves over to HK to marry him, or how to navigate his relationship with his dad since he's being trained to take over his dad's pharmaceutical business.

So, the old z would have been scandalized--and I do jokingly threaten to tell his fiancee about his roving eye--but it really is a whole lot of fun to hang out with him. I had to clarify though, that he should not pay for my dinner when we're out together. Okay, confession, it made me feel good that he offered and insisted so strongly but it wouldn't be right. I can see how nice it would be to hang out with guys who make it a habit to pay every time they're out with girls. But no, it wouldn't be fair so I will continue to hang on to my independence!!

I've noticed that I tend to be a lot more impatient with men especially if they seem irresponsible to me. I tend to either reply with sarcasm or just avoid hanging out with them. What I'm learning in this very new friendship is that--well, to some degree at least--I need to learn to trust these kinds of men a little more than I have in the past. Little boys do grow up after all and they don't grow up because some cranky b--yatch lashes out at them.

Still, I know that I am able to do it only because we're badminton friends, and Col's decisions have very little effect on my life. Oh well, baby steps!

Lord, I believe you are calling me in all the circumstances of my life, but there are times when your hand is difficult to recognise. The calling can sometimes come in a disagreeable shape, a sickness, bereavement, betrayal, loss of a job, a bout of insecurity. It does not look like a vocation but rather an unfortunate accident, or a failure on my part. But success is what I do with my failures. Each step on the way is part of God's calling. How do I handle deep distress? (Taken from this site, thanks to Sivin's FB post.)

This prayer isn't for me right now but for a friend with whom I'm walking through a tough patch. She is dealing with difficulties that I can't imagine going through myself and honestly, I hope I never have to go through such difficulties. There is not much I can do, especially from afar, and I can't imagine what anyone can do to help her carry her burden. It's one of those "dark nights of the soul" times when it seems like nothing good can happen.

Restless, frustrated, and bored. BAH.

fun monday night, hopefully

Well, it looks like I'm going to be out all night but one for the next nine nights in a row! Another old friend is flying into town for a meeting so we'll be having dinner on Tues. But Mon night's dinner will be fun because I'm getting together a group of friends . . . . for the purpose of matchmaking! Hah! It'll be my first attempt and it'll be fun for me. :)

A couple of guys from badminton will be going--I think they're single although one is a bit young--and the girls are friends from college and grad school. So really, there is only one eligible guy as W is in his early twenties, I think, but it'll be a little less stressful with him around. The guys think I'm just trying to use up a coupon for 40% of at Ruby Tuesday and it is true, I do need to use it, but my old college friend at least knows that I'm trying to get them to meet one another. How else are folks going to meet new ppl if not through their friends, right?

Anyway, I'm not seriously matchmaking but I am hoping we'll have fun!

a little explanation

I posted Nouwen's meditation late last night so I didn't get a chance to say something about it. A friend who is also single pointed out that "the loneliness will always be there." I think it's true that having great friends and a good church community helps with the loneliness but I also appreciate the frankness that acknowledges that it is not quite "the same." It is also true that there are a lot of married people who are very lonely and I wouldn't trade being single for a bad marriage for anything!

My point is, it helps to know that yes, despite all my efforts, I won't banish all the difficult emotions surrounding life--whatever that may be--and that I don't actually need to do so. Until I read my friend's unexpected message, I was being very hard on myself because . . . . I couldn't help feeling bad sometimes. I think I'm doing everything I need to do at this point. My life is full, I am learning, I'm meeting people, and I'm doing my best to live in the present. But even when you do all these things right, sometimes, you feel lonely or sad or afraid. Feeling these emotions isn't a sign of failure! Emotions come and go and as long as our desire for God orders all our other desires . . . . well, then. There is meaning to these emotions and the desires behind them. This meditation of Nouwen's helps us be the human beings that we've been created to be and that's why it brings freedom.

oh what a relief. this is so freeing

Daily Meditation for April 21, 2010
              written by Henri Nouwen

_........................................................._

Ordering Our Desires

Desire is often talked about as something we ought to
overcome.  Still, being is desiring:  our bodies, our
minds, our hearts, and our souls are full of desires. 
Some are unruly, turbulent, and very distracting;
some make us think deep thoughts and see great visions;
some teach us how to love; and some keep us searching
for God.   Our desire for God is the desire that should
guide all other desires. Otherwise our bodies, minds,
hearts, and souls become one another's enemies and
our inner lives become chaotic, leading us to despair
and self-destruction.

Spiritual disciplines are not ways to eradicate all our
desires but ways to order them so that they can serve
one another and together serve God.

living in the present

I wonder why being or remaining in the present is so important to our lives. Secular counseling recommends it, for the most part, as do a lot of major spiritual traditions either explicitly or implicitly. Some of the more effective ways of dealing with stress includes pausing and taking deep breaths, and being aware of our bodies or the world around us. It sounds like bad New Age advice but I wouldn't let New Ageism claim this very useful practice for itself!! But I must say that because of the Enlightenment, the Christian tradition hasn't really explored or developed good understandings about the body. Within Christianity, ideas about temporality seem to me to be more implicit than explicit although if I can speak off the cuff without censure, I'd say that past, present and future are equally important. It may be true of other traditions as well but well, I'm more interested in thinking as a Christian. :)

Remembering the past is important because those reflections can teach us about how much God has worked. I am particularly thankful for how I've been changed in the past decade or so. And it gives me hope for the future because I know that the God who has been with me in the past will continue to work in my life (Phil 1:6). Thinking about the future is important because it helps to know that "this" is not "it."

But how do I live with the "it," i.e. the present? How do I live with the present and all its disappointments and imperfections?

It's ironic that even though I can now look back on all those difficult "present times" that are now past and call them good, and even if I know that in the future when I look back on this very moment that is the now, I will call it good . . . it's so difficult to "be happy" about this moment. This isn't to say that I'm unhappy about being here. At least I don't think so. I recognize the blessings in the now of my life--even if holding on to that recognition is like slogging through a waist-high bog.

Oh heck, I might as well come out and say it. I'm not very happy about being single at this point. There. It's out in the open. Okay. It's probably unwise to say anymore than this on a blog.

stepping out

Gave a talk for the Asia Society here last night. About 100 ppl turned up for the talk--but wait! I was just the supporting speaker. An established documentary filmmaker had a presentation on her work for the Museum of Chinese in America and I was there to provide back-up historical narratives on the subject. It was my first time speaking in front of a non-academic audience and it mostly went well. I was pretty happy with how calm I was for most of it. I learned some things about being in the spotlight, haha!

But today, I'm just exhausted and can barely work on prep work for class later this week.

I need to take this very, very seriously

       Daily Meditation for April 11, 2010
              written by Henri Nouwen

_........................................................._

Authority and Obedience

Authority and obedience can never be divided, with some
people having all the authority while others only have to
obey.  This separation causes authoritarian behaviour on
the one side and doormat behaviour on the other.  It
perverts authority as well as obedience.  A person with
great authority who has nobody to be obedient to is in
great spiritual danger.  A very obedient person who has
no authority over anyone is equally in danger.

Jesus spoke with great authority, but his whole life was
complete obedience to his Father, and Jesus, who said to
his Father, "Let it be as you, not I, would have it"
(Matthew 26:39), has been given all authority in heaven
and on earth (see Matthew 28:18).   Let us ask ourselves:
Do we live our authority in obedience and do we live our
obedience with authority?

scam?

I walked into a pharmacy the other day to get something and I walked by the aisle where they keep heat pads for muscle aches. Right below the heat pads were "foot detox pads." I had seen them before years ago but thought it was a scam then. I don't know what possessed me to buy a box, but I did and have been sticking them plasters at the bottom of my foot for four nights in a row now! The pads were originally created in Japan, I think, but they seem to be widely popular everywhere now. (Everywhere meaning HK, Malaysia, and the US.)

I don't know if this is a 21st C version of snake oil but I do know that I've been waking up before my alarm rings since I started using the pads! It's really weird. I usually have trouble waking up and staying awake and since getting here I've just been so sleepy all the time. But I haven't felt sleepy at all in the last four days!!! Being wide awake just reminds me of all the work that I'm not doing but I suppose this means that the pads are detoxing something, whatever that something is.

You're supposed to use the pads daily for the first two weeks and after that, once a week is fine. So I decided to stick it out for two weeks as an experiment. Maybe I'm awake now because I've been fatigued and sleepy for 3 months and my body decided that it was done being sleepy for awhile. So all this wakefulness could be coincidence.

---

Well, maybe I wrote this too soon. I had to go home and take a 30 min nap because my head hurts for no apparent reason. It's a little better now but not much better.

happy news

I'm seeing my fourth set of old friends who are passing through HK! The first friend who visited is from LA, the second and third, from M'sia (but who are now based in Singapore and Australia), and this most recent set of old friends is a special set. They are special in the sense that I've only met them once before and that was about 10 yrs ago!

These "friends" are actually the parents and extended family of my former college bookstore supervisor! I worked as a cashier at the college bookstore when I was an undergrad and became friends with the staff at the store (about four of them). B-cky, one of my supervisors, invited me to visit her dad's and stepmom's home by the lake in New Hampshire one weekend so I went along and that's where I met M_ller and G_nny (and several others of the extended family).

M_ller and G_nny, and G_nny's sister D_ris are visiting a few countries in Asia and they are here in HK for a few days to meet up with G_nny's son and family (who are based in China) so B-cky told me about it. I had dinner with them last night, took them out to dim sum this afternoon and they're off to Disneyland tomorrow. I'll prob meet up with them on Thurs but we're not sure what we're doing yet. M_ller and D_ris are 87 yrs old so we're trying not to do too much walking!!!!!

They're all very sharp and alert even if M_ller walks very slowly with a cane and has trouble hearing. I was a little apprehensive about meeting up with them at first because, well, it's been 10 years since I first met them and I was worried about keeping them entertained. But it's been so much fun hanging out with them that I'm a little sad about not going to Disneyland with them--especially since they asked me on three different occasions over two meals if I want to go. Well, I don't really want to go Disneyland and I do have to write up my lecture for class this Friday but it would've been nice to see them more.

Moments like these remind me of how rich my life has been and how rich it has continued to be.

PS - I leave out a letter in names so that they don't come up in Google (even though in my settings I've disabled the search function--yes, I'm paranoid) but I want to use their real names so that I can remember them when I look back at this blog in the future! In past posts, I made up nicknames for people but then realized that I have no idea who they really are now!!!

It's been awhile since I last blogged, and that's mostly because I feel like I'm in a rut. Things keep happening but nothing really changes, so to speak, and I won't repeat myself yet again.

When I was praying with two other women at the end of a church home group meeting a couple of weeks ago, we got into a long discussion about my struggles with work and calling. It was my second time at the home group but it didn't stop the two women from asking questions and offering their thoughts! I liked it, actually. Some people might have felt they were too intrusive or interfering but given my pseudo super powers of invisibility, I appreciated the fact that they didn't "let me be." Anyway, they're both from the corporate world and one of them said, "Hey, in our work, we don't talk about whether or not someone's 'good enough.' We usually look for someone who is a 'good fit.'" In other words, my struggles with work might be a struggle of suitability.

A part of me think that's a euphemism. But another part of me wonders if they are right, and if they are . . . . well, what will that mean for the future????????

So, you see, things have happened but nothing has changed.

After the post below, I read this prophetic article.

seeing friends

After leaving _thaca, I've been getting back in touch with a lot of old friends! In the two months I've been here, I've had THREE visitors go through the country. Two stayed with me and I walked around with the third friend for the past two days. Even though I'm still trying to find my feet socially, I haven't really felt lonely--thanks also to an old college friend who is local here.

But Friend R who was in town the past few days observed that this city is a hard one on me. The income disparity here is very striking, more so than LA because well, everything's so densely packed here, you can hardly avoid it! And I think I feel it more here because I'm actually meeting wealthy ppl who are about my age (friends of friends). I know that there is immense wealth in LA too but well, those folks seemed to be a different species altogether. But now, it's different. The folks I'm meeting here are . . . . kind of like me. But they're rich. Most of them were also born into wealthy families to begin with but they are also making their own way now. R's friend made $140,000 in 3 months just from buying and selling an apt (that's outside his regular job as one of the top honchos at a financial consulting firm). That's about 2-3 times the annual salary of a young academic!

R knew before I did how much this knowledge is now a shock to my system. I make more now and I've been spending more too, but I also feel poorer as well. Isn't that ironic?

Gone are the days of cheap gym memberships and badminton clubs. :) Now I have to pay more for less. Of course, it's still great that I've finally found a couple of places where I can play even though the level of play is not very high. One group plays on sat nights and the other on Sun nights. Not ideal, but do-able. I've had to go to a chiropractor twice here but it's not covered by health insurance, boo. Sitting in my office chair makes my back sore even though my work station is already ergonomic. The pollution and weather here in HK is playing havoc with my skin so I just signed up for facial sessions. They aren't expensive by US standards but well, I could get by without facials when I was there. Food is a bit cheaper here but then again, I cooked simple, nutritious food when I was in the US and that was affordable. I've been too lazy to cook here so I've been eating out more. Need to get back to cooking for myself!! Clothes and shoes are more expensive here and it's been taking me a long time to figure out where to shop. I'm still looking. I may try to wait for my next trip home to shop for clothes.

Life isn't bad but R figured out that being in crowds makes both of us tired (bingo!). Still struggling to wake up in the morning to get work done. It's worrying me a bit.

boring

Still not much to report! Sleep, TV, and then furious prep work for lectures. I need to incorporate caffeine into my diet. Seriously. Might go to Shenzhen next weekend for a massage (not the sketchy kind) and a visit to a tailor. Someone offered to take me along when she goes there with her friends and I kinda do want to take up the offer. Except they are all a bit older than I am. Probably in their 40s if not 50s. :):) N's an award-winning documentary maker and she's going with her friend who runs one of the biggest family foundations in HK.

Yipes.

worry wart

Well, I'm back to worrying again. :) I'm still as sleepy as ever but I'm promising myself to kick my own butt soon . . . starting tomorrow? Next week?? Tomorrow, preferably, but no later than next week.

As I was falling asleep last night, I thought about how my focus on wanting to work out my faith in my work (?) might be misplaced. That is, most Christians want to be Christians in their workplace. Fundamentally, there must be a difference between a Christian teacher and a non-Christian teacher. Almost everyone agrees that Christian teachers should demonstrate the fruits of the Spirit in their workplace: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. I can think of many non-Christians who exhibit similar qualities but there's no reason why those of us who are Christians should continue to uphold these ideals in our own lives!

Many of us in secular professions--myself included--wonder how our beliefs will then shape the nature or subject of our work. For my part, perhaps I've been too literal in my interpretations of what that would mean. My thoughts on what my work might look like in a nonliteral sense are still too inchoate to share at this point.

But last night, I did wonder if the relation between work and faith might even take a turn on a much different tack. Rather than working out our faith in our workplace, might it be more fruitful to think of our work as uncovering our faith, as a part of God's designs? The former is good but I'm wondering now if the latter is equally as important. In other words, rather than worrying about writing on a subject matter that is explicitly Christian, my duty now is to do my job as best as I can and trust that in the process of doing so, it would continue to be a spiritual act of sorts. My thoughts are too rudimentary for me to pretend that this might be relevant to others in other vocations but it might be worth thinking through in my own circumstances.

I'm tired of being tired and that's all I'm going to say about it because I'm always complaining about the same things over and over again.

My lower back has been sore off and on for the last couple of weeks so I just made an appointment at the university's health center. I'm hoping to get a referral for a chiropractor in town who practices a similar method to the chiropractors I saw in Ith__ and L_. If not, I'd be happy with a physiotherapist. I haven't been exercising much and I blame the soreness on that. It's always hard to focus on work and this doesn't help.

On another note, I haven't been very good with my spiritual disciplines and I need to get back on track with that too.

I'm amused to see that one of my students at __LA has included me in her msg to family and friends regarding her email address change. Actually, it's very nice because I feel like a professional failure here in my new institution. Another one wrote me to tell me that he has just been accepted to a law school (although, frankly, I wrote the letter with trepidation--he is a very difficult character with not much compassion).

I thought I was over being homesick when I'm away from home but sigh, I guess I need to give this place more time to grow on me.

back again

I got back last night from a two-week break in M'sia and it really was a break in the sense that I didn't do any of the work that I was supposed to do. I literally slept, ate, and hung out with folks the entire two weeks. And now I really don't want to be here but I absolutely need to write my lecture for tomorrow. I really hate lecturing and much prefer seminar discussions.

Much to tell of my trip home but maybe after this lecture is done. I'll just say for now that parts of it were difficult but most of it was wonderfully relaxing after the re-entry shock was over. I still feel so freaking tired though.

blahs

Sorry for not posting much these days. I don't seem to be interested in much these days . . . besides sleeping! A friend from out of town visited last weekend so M-- took us around fun spots in HK and that was really fun. But since then I've been sleeping and watching TV. AGGGH. I need more discipline in my life.

Trying to get set up at the school's gym now even though the gym sucks and it's quite a long walk away. Walking is not a problem for me but with the pollution here, I'm not sure walking--especially on the street--is a good form of exercise. Glad to hear that China is taking the lead in green energy research because they sure need it!!!!! The problem is, most people in power can afford to isolate themselves in little bubbles so that they never have to deal with things like pollution and high rent. It drives me nuts.

Settling in

I really love "A Slice of Infinity" because every now and then, one of their meditations will change the way I think. Here's a snippet from one of their recent posts:

To discover that there is a face inherently present behind many of the failures we long to forget, a Spirit within the crushed and wounded scenes we try our best to put behind us, and a voice that speaks over and above the cries that have indelibly marked our journey, is to experience the restorative hope of the creator who intended us to discover Him all along. The words of the psalmist describe waking to this knowledge: "It was not by their sword that they won the land, nor did their arm bring them victory; it was your right hand, your arm, and the light of your face, for you loved them" (Psalm 44:3). Our days are marked with the intention of one who loves us. Our winding journeys are a means to the face of God.

My adjustment to my new city has been easier than expected and life here gets easier by the day and I know I'm lucky that it does. But every now and then, everything will seem strange and forbidding and all I want to do is go back home to KL. I just have to remind myself that God is here too and He is still with me.

I'm eating a lot of new foods and I'm very glad M_y is here. Without her friendship, I know I would be far lonelier. (M_y's an old friend from college who is a Hongkie.)

new beginnings. again.

I got here safe and sound on Saturday morning and was apt-hunting by the afternoon. I think I've decided on an apt and I'm waiting for the real estate agent to haggle the rent down a bit more. The apt has a pink-ed room (furnishings and fixtures) and it will really grate on my nerves if I can't figure out a way to hide most of that pink.

Anyway, the transition has been much easier than I expected. I'm not from here and I haven't spent a lot of time here but I feel a lot more comfortable than I thought I would. But I also feel uneasy. I'm trying to remember that I first felt uncomfortable in all the different cities I've lived in the past 10 years! I even hated LA when I first got there and of course, after 6 months, I loved living there. I'll never grow fond of its traffic and I don't think I'll ever grow fond of this city's air pollution but I already appreciate its food and transportation system. I haven't ventured out much into other parts of the city yet although I will go shopping for a new cell phone tomorrow in a popular shopping district. Everyone I've met--even strangers on buses and streets!--has been very kind, helpful, and friendly.

I like the building my dept is housed in and I like my office too! I can't wait to get settled in an apt so that I can concentrate on teaching. There's quite a bit of red tape associated with settling into a new institution and country but again, everyone's been very helpful and they've really tried to make the process easier.

Just the same, my new city is still a mystery. That's not so much of a surprise but it's hard to see how I fit in and that makes me anxious. I skyped with an old friend from grad school yesterday and she said, well, yes, you can't expect to feel as if you've lived there for years! This is another exercise in patience, and as it turns out, Nouwen's daily meditation for the day is precisely on patience. Serendipity.

ps - Most ppl I've met so far assume that I'm a student and are surprised to find out that I'm a teacher. This means I need a makeover.

----

Daily Meditation for January 5, 2010
            written by Henri Nouwen

_........................................................._

Living the Moment to the Fullest

Patience is a hard discipline. It is not just waiting until
something happens over which we have no control: the arrival
of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the
resolution of a conflict. Patience is not a waiting
passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks
us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely
present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be
where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from
where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen
tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and
trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground
on which we stand.