Christmas Day

This time I was fed by colleagues.

CIA Xmas party

on friendship (again)

I was chatting with one of my closest friends and work buddies on messenger, and I said, "Don't worry for now, we'll chat after Christmas and let's reflect on the year then."

And she said, "Wait, are you saying that we should stop communicating until after Christmas?"

And I thought, "Girl, you're kidding right? You're like another part of my brain. I can't go that long without talking to you!"

That's a bit of a joke, but not really. I guess we've come to rely on one another quite a bit over the last few years especially as we're going through the same work challenges. But I realized that I do have a few friends who are this to me. I don't even have a word for them.

Part of what I need to learn is to rely on the Holy Spirit first. And I do know that M or Y can't always be there for me, and that I can't tell them everything.

But it's a real blessing to have friends you know will not bite your head off or judge you even when you're wrong. Because hey, we're all wrong sometimes and that's okay.

People who don't have friends like these.... I don't know how they get through life.

Handel's messiah

What is your anything's possible prayer?

Sermon Audio | Flourish | Anything's Possible | John Ortberg,

http://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-z2pjn-67e57e

Spiritual exercise

Trying to memorize verses by copying them down over and over again.

Futurity

In my prayer director's discipleship class yesterday, we had to draw a pie chart of what we spend our time thinking about. (That’s an awkward sentence but I'm too tired to fix it.) 

I was embarrassed to show mine because most of my time was not spent on thinking about work but about the future. If I think about work that’s at least useful, but thinking about the future is the most useless habit possible. 

My prayer director noted that that's a response to fear, and she's right.

balance

Just in case I come across as too much of an Eeyore, I just wanted to say that so far, this week has turned out to be a good week. And it's only Wednesday!

I received affirmation about the work that I'm producing (thanks for the ML_ invite in January, D___h! You're not very promising but it is a privilege and an honor!).

And my new chair is being supportive by giving me more time to focus on work. It's been a sea change around here in the past 2-3 years and I can only hope that everything will work out in its time.

I give thanks for the good gifts, but the final results are in God's hands. Whatever will be, is already in His will. Whatever happens, I will praise Him and trust Him.

On how to respond to fear

"I pray that no matter what life throws your way, you would honor God, give him space to move in your life, and run toward the roar with all your heart until you stand before him face to face," Levi Lusko, Through the Eyes of a Lion, pp 179.

Doing life together

Prayer for anxiety

"I hunger for the hope that only comes with knowing You intimately. May I keep growing closer and closer to You, so I can hear Your heartbeat and be soothed with the knowledge that You love me eternally and unconditionally, that Your heart is good and with You, there is no fear."

-- Jen Sum

Song as prayer

Urban Rescue, "Song of My Father"

When silence falls
I hear You call
In a secret place
You still my soul with quiet joy
And I'm wide awake

In the middle of the night
I look up to the sky
I can hear You
Singing over me
Through the fire and the flood
I know that I am loved
I can hear You
Singing over me

You spoke the earth with just one word
And You hold my heart
My every step, my every breath
is Your work of art

In the middle of the night
I look up to the sky
I can hear You
Singing over me
Through the fire and the flood
I know that I am loved
I can hear You
Singing over me

I hear Your melody
I hear Your symphony
There's nothing louder than the song of my Father
I hear Your melody
I hear Your symphony
There's nothing louder than the song of my Father

In the middle of the night
I look up to the sky
I can hear You
Singing over me
Through the fire and the flood
I know that I am loved
I can hear You
Singing over me

In the middle of the night
I look up to the sky
I can hear You
Singing over me
Through the fire and the flood
I know that I am loved
I can hear You
Singing over me

I hear Your melody
I hear Your symphony
There's nothing louder than the song of my Father
I hear Your melody
I hear Your symphony
There's nothing louder than the song of my Father
There's nothing louder than the song of my Father

Roller coaster

And we go up a bit after Monday's fiasco.

Lord, thank you. But how about no more downward trajectories for a while? I bet you would say no to forever. But how about for a while? A long, long while?

Please thank you amen.

Blindsided

Another unimaginable disaster at work. Just unbelievably unnecessarily ridiculously wrong thanks to someone who did a bad job; so bad that I still feel some shock. Thankful for friends who responded even briefly just to commiserate.

And God comes in the morning. But, God.

Learning to see how this person is filled with anxiety, the desire to please, but also the desire to be in control and to prove self-worth. These things can only be broken by God's immeasurable love.

I need boundaries and distance so that I can get work done. But I guess I'm learning to see....that there is another world beyond the physical and that God is at work in both. Including in this person's life.

But, God. In His mercy.

What You will
How You will
When You will.

-- John Newton.

Confirmation

Different sermons, different pastors, different days, same message.

Faith

The jealous cat

What happened?

I honestly cannot say what happened in the past week. I feel like so much has happened....and yet I can't remember what did.

My mentor, D, noted this afternoon that I look cool, calm and collected. Well, I'm glad I do but I'm also not sure that there's a better option, really.

Peace

Loved this sermon by Tim Keller on overcoming anxiety. Here are my notes from listening to the sermon, just in case anyone's trying to decide if they should listen to the whole sermon (yes! you should!):

Keller says that Christians should be experts of joy, but that our wrong expectations of life leave us ill-prepared to face anxiety.

When we were non-believers, we only had one enemy, and that was God. But God is a nice enemy to have because all He wants is for you to be blessed. When we become Christians, we find that we have new enemies; these enemies are not stronger, but they are meaner and nastier. We shouldn’t overestimate our enemies so that they are bigger than they are, but we also shouldn’t underestimate our enemies so that we enter into battle without being prepared.

Philippians 4:6

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Thanksgiving is the key to dealing with anxiety. Why do we give thanks when we are only presenting a request? Because it acknowledges that no matter what happens, we trust that God will work things out for our good. Peace is the confidence of God’s wise control over our lives. We can pray in this way: “ Lord, whatever you do in response to this request is  good. I thank you for it.”

The “fruit”—singular, not plural—of the Spirit can only come from God. They come as a whole, not as individual traits. You can present a form of peace—that might really be a form of apathy—and pretend that you have peace but you cannot pretend to have all of the fruits at once. Someone might be very self-controlled, but at the expense of joy!

The world (secularism), the flesh, and the devil all attack us. Secularism is a world-ism, a now-ism where we focus only on what we see in front of us in the now. The flesh is the desire to be God. It takes many different forms, but usually manifests itself as a desire to feel in charge, or to feel powerful and it can exist in the church as a religious form too. The devil wants to destroy our peace and joy through lies and accusations.

The reason that we become anxious is usually some combination of the three. When we identify only one of them, we miss the whole picture. These three things succeed when they are able to get at our assurance in Christ. We need to remember that our feelings are the result, not the basis of our salvation. We lose our assurance when we look at our sins more than our savior.

Instead, we need to see our sadness as a sign that God is at work in our lives. No one wants to be more like God on their own. It is the Holy Spirit who puts that desire in our hearts. But we need to remember that the only way to deal with the world, the flesh, and the devil is to keep telling ourselves the story of the gospel.

The reason that we struggle with this sadness is because we are locked into works of righteousness. “I still want to feel like I’m good enough to be saved.” But we never were were. We need to look at Christ and stand in him so that our glory is in God. For every look at our sin we need to take five looks at our savior.

Philippians 4:4-9

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God,which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

When I woke up, the Holy spirit brought a memory to my mind. It was of the cross-country drive I took with mother and sister after I finished my PhD. That is a happy memory but it was also a stressful trip at times because mother got anxious and scared when we drove. 

I hadn’t made the drive before but I had every route planned out, down to the hotels, camping, and where to do laundry. Literally, every detail was planned and I had AAA coverage, insurance, etc. If I may say so myself, I’m actually a good planner and I wanted to show mother and sister a good time. How many people get to go on a drive across the US??

But mother got anxious and angry at points because she was worried as we made our way over. We passed bright cities but also long stretches of empty, desolated land. Yes, of course, some parts looked so lonely. 

But it was part of God’s creation and He sees it as beautiful, and I wanted my mom to enjoy it. Yes, of course, it seemed dangerous at some times (mother was afraid of bears at Yellowstone!). But everything was under control, and even if something happened, help would have been available.

My journey right now looks a long like that. There are long, desolate stretches in my journey but God is entirely in control, and He wants me to enjoy those parts too—because He is there! 

Life can seem precarious right now, but He wants me to enjoy the ride—because He has everything planned out!

My mom was anxious because she didn’t know what I had planned, and she didn’t know help was literally, just a call away.

I’m anxious now because I don’t know what God has planned, and I didn’t know help is literally, just a call away.

But my experiences last week, and yesterday too, showed me that every time I call, God answers. sometimes He takes a little while, but He always answers. So I need to sit back, relax, and enjoy the journey because God knows full well where I'm going. 

Walks

“I do not understand the mystery of grace -- only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us.” 

― Anne Lamott

But God

Mar says that we have to be patient with the path because we are becoming new people. More of ourselves. She’s not Christian, but isn’t that what the Bible teaches us too? That God molds us and refines us in our trials?

Common grace. I'm glad we're both walking through the same path together.

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/if-only

If only I could find my soulmate to marry. If only my mate felt like my soulmate. If only I could find that friend who really understands and accepts me for who I am. If only I could pursue the career I really want. If only my church were more [fill in the blank]. If only I weren’t so [fill in the blank]. If only I lived [fill in the blank]. If only I had [fill in the blank]. If only my family [fill in the blank]. If only [fill in the blank] hadn’t happened to me.

What are your if only’s? We all have them, because if only’s are a form of regret, and regrets are simply unavoidable in our experience — though not all of them are unavoidable. Some are nothing more than delusions.

Either way, we must take care with our regrets, because, whether based on something real or fantastic, they can erode our faith in God by subtly shifting our faith from God to our regrets — and that is truly regrettable.

Real Regrets

When I say that some of our regrets are unavoidable, here’s what I mean:

1. We are sinners who, even as regenerate believers in Jesus, are committing or omitting sin in greater or lesser degrees all the time, and this scorns God and damages ourselves and others to greater or lesser degrees.

2. We live our lives intertwined and interacting with other sinners whose God-scorning sin affects or damages us in greater or lesser degrees.

3. We live in an age riddled with futility, so things are always breaking down or not working out the way they should (Romans 8:20).

4. And we live in a world under the power of the evil one, so we are frequently affected by the oppression and opposition of demonic forces (1 John 5:19).

This means we all have legitimate regrets for past occurrences that have detrimentally influenced who we are and where we are. It’s right to regret ways we have harmed or been harmed by others. And it certainly isn’t wrong to feel some if only’s over certain effects of the fall that we or others have suffered, resulting in terrible grief and loss.

There are numerous appropriate reasons we might wish things could have been or could now be different. And having a robust belief in the sovereignty of God does not necessarily preclude our feeling regret. Paul even begins Romans 9, the Bible’s most clear defense of God’s sovereignty in election, with an anguished “if only” lament over his fellow Israelites’ rejection of Jesus as the Christ (Romans 9:1–3). It’s just that confidence in God’s providence allows us to faithfully rest in God’s power and wisdom to work all things together for his children’s good, even if, like Paul, on a human level we really wish things were different (Romans 8:28).

Fantasy Regrets

But not all our "if only" regrets are legitimate and unavoidable. Some of our if only’s are rooted in imagined ideals or fantasies we believe because we’ve absorbed messages from our family, friends, and cultures (or indulged selfish desires).

Fantasy Ideals are not as easy to spot as our real regrets, because they are not as poignant. Unlike real regrets stemming from painful events we’ve endured or caused, we often can’t identify the genesis of fantasy regrets because they are amalgamations of various messages, impressions, aspirations, envies, and hopes we’ve picked up along the way, some extending back into childhood.

These are often unexamined, uncritical assumptions about what will make us happy that wield remarkable power over us because they keep forming mirage dreams we end up chasing. We don’t recognize them as fantasies; they just impress us as the way things should be. And when they keep dissipating as we approach them, they become sources of chronic “if only” discontentment.

The End of If Only

Whether we’re dealing with real or fantasy regrets, the way we know we are focusing too much on them is that we find them draining our hope and sapping our joy. They lead us into a wasteland of discouragement or sitting in the dungeon of despair.

What’s happening is that these regrets are shifting our focus away from trusting the promises of God — the grounds and fuel of our future hope — to trusting the promises of our regrets. Discouragement and despair set in because we feel trapped by regrets we cannot seem to change.

The path out of the wasteland, the key out of the dungeon, lies in two small words that convey omnipotent power to deliver us from every regret: “But God.”

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience — among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ — by grace you have been saved — and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. (Ephesians 2:1–7)

You were once spiritually dead, living in regrettable sin, no matter how sordid or relatively well-behaved you were. But God! He loved you, he saved you, and he has made your future brighter than your heart has yet imagined (1 Corinthians 2:9).

The gospel truth is this: you are not trapped by any “if only” regret — real or fantasy, legitimate or illegitimate, past or present. All of your if only’s will find their end in your God, who is rich in mercy and abounding in a love for you so powerful, it conquers death and hell. All of his promises to you are yes in Christ (2 Corinthians 1:20). All your real, deep longings for joy he will fulfill, to some degree in this age, and in the age to come with all joy you will be capable of experiencing (Psalm 16:11).

So if you’re regrets are weighing you down, examine them. What is giving them life? Once you know, lay them aside and turn your gaze to Christ (Hebrews 12:1–2) and seize some of his promises. Remember: But God. Let him work your regrettable past for good, and let him blow away the fog of any fantasies.

Leaning on the prayers of others

Almighty God, our heavenly Father, we praise you for your extravagant love that gives us hope, joy, and courage.

We praise you for your love that never lets us off, never lets us down, and never lets us go.

We praise you for your sovereignty and your holiness and that they are saturated in love.

We praise you for dealing with our fears, touching our lives, and healing our brokenness.

We praise you that in your wisdom and grace you did not leave us to try to find you in our own strength or to doubt the reality of your loving-kindness and mercy.

We praise you for always being there when we needed you most, for being there when we least expected it, for being with us when no one else could be there and no one else wanted to be there.

We praise you that every time we look to Christ we are reminded there is nothing he does not know about us and nothing he does not understand about our lives.

We praise you that you come to us again and again. You lift us when we are down and hold us when we are hurting; you fill us with your grace and share all the twists and turns of our lives.

Mighty God, wonderful Savior, living Lord, by your Holy Spirit enable us to give you the praise and glory you deserve. May the song we have begun ring out through all the world and to the end of time.

Through Christ our Lord. Amen.

- by David Clowes

"Faith is simply to trust the real, and to trust that God is found within it--even before we change it," Richard Rohr, Falling Upward, pp 63.

Falling Up

I'm going between a few different books now, but a visiting pastor to our church mentioned this book at least twice in his sermon, so it caught my attention. Richard Rohr on "falling up."

It's pretty complex for a Christian book. Most Christian books are DIY books. Here's how to change your life so that you'll be happier. And I love them because of course there are things that need changing in my life. And who wouldn't want to experience God more fully and completely?

But this book is different because it takes a more philosophical approach, at least from what I've read so far. Look at these myths in our society. They share these premises, and--of course--these desires are a desire for God.

I'm only at the beginning, and I should probably post about it later, but he seems to think that we need to experience X (security, laws, frameworks, mirroring i.e. deserved praise) when we are young. Those who don't experience those things can never move on to "Stage Two."

However, even those who experience X (or "Stage One") also need to move on to "Stage Two." He seems to draw from Carl Jung because he prefaces each chapter with a quote from Jung. I'm not familiar with Jung at all, but some basic ideas from psychoanalysis seem recognizable.

Well, I hope "Stage Two" blows my socks off or I'm going to hate spending all this time trying to understand "Stage One."

we serve an almighty God

Psalm 113:5-6

Who is like the LORD our God, 

Who is enthroned on high,

Who humbles Himself to behold

The things that are in heaven and in the earth?

Autumn festival

Gifts

We prayed.

We read.

We waited.

And He stopped time.


#lectiodivina
#facultyfellowship

Two steps forward, one step back

The past three weeks have been a period of waiting for news regarding a work project. Some times I was victorious in the waiting, but Thursday night was certainly a dark time. I received the news yesterday and felt a great deal of relief. However, the project still needs a lot of work in the upcoming two weeks.

On the one hand, I am encouraged, and on the other hand....I just feel tired. But the Lord is our strength, and he will be with me in the working as in the waiting.

Romans 8:26-28The Message (MSG)

26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

Ark retreat

Alvin's prayer

Lord you know us more than we know ourselves. You know the source of our worries, anxieties and fears. None of those things are hidden from you. Pour your love and light into these areas as we wait upon you. Help us know Lord: all will be well.

mind blown again!

This has got to be the best argument against perfectionism I've ever read:

Perfectionists fail to accept that the world, and all of the people in it, are flawed. Understanding that concept is something that can fuel compassion, foster empathy, and help you develop healthy structures for continuously improving your own performance.

It’s fair to say that doing something the wrong way, whether at work or in a relationship, feels bad. By contrast, doing something the right way feels good. This is a core concept underlying the self-regulating systems of internal rewards that drive motivation. With a healthy, growth-oriented mindset, navigating these pathways will help us to increase our capacities in the most important areas of our lives.

In order to put that idea to use, we must be willing to make mistakes along the way. Sometimes we will not do things the right way. Someone who accepts that reality would understand that the mistakes we make are learning opportunities, glean what lessons they can from their experiences, and work on improving. The perfectionist fights reality. They do not want the bad feelings that come along with making mistakes. They drastically overestimate the pain that will be caused by those bad feelings. They become paralyzed. They do not grow.

Perfectionism is an incapacitating force. It stops us from connecting with the real, but it also stops us from connecting with others. The inward perfectionist will never feel good enough to be loved or appreciated, the outward perfectionist will always find the flaws in the details, unable to find redeeming virtues that are plainly visible to the rest of us.

Habits are hard to break, but the mechanics of overcoming perfectionism are easy to put into practice. All you have to do is be willing to make a lot of mistakes.

thoughts on thanksgiving

Giving thanks is an act of faith. To do so in the face of what we see proclaims that we believe that God is already at work in every situation. And when we take the time to thank God for already working, we are reminded that He is the author of all good works. We are participants in the work that he has set into motion. In that posture of submission, we are both humbled and honored to be called co-workers of Christ.

Basically, I don't know why, but giving thanks helps me feel joy when left to my own devices, I feel only confusion and fear. 

Signed up for a retreat soon, and the organizing team apparently prayed for all the participants! That's a real commitment. The retreat center sounds lovely and I look forward to getting away for a bit. The team shared a prophetic prayer they received when they were praying for me:

"Morning, morning! It is a new morning. Whether you are awake or asleep, I am always with you and will watch over you. I am your perfect Father."

So nice to be prayed for.

Idols

Sometimes we make the experience or the emotion an idol. But look at Joseph's time in prison. God was still at work.

Staying in la-la land is not an option when God works in the present moment even if the present looks more like a prison.

Good bye

I'm learning to not let fear control me. Fear can be a good signal, and we need it in life.

Without fear we might try to cross the street without checking for approaching traffic. Without fear, we might be careless about maintaining diving or mountaineering gear.

Fear can teach us a lot, and move us to appropriate action. But there's ungodly fear that places limits on the life God would have us live. The fear of losing a relationship might turn us into people pleasers rather than trusting God and his ways, for example. Or the fear of shame that leads us to hiding sin, legitimate needs, or hurts. Those fears need to go.

Perfect love drives out those kinds of fears.

start of the semester

.... and I already feel like I need a vacation.

reminders

How can we embrace poverty as a way to God when everyone around us wants to become rich? Poverty has many forms. We have to ask ourselves: "What is my poverty?" Is it lack of money, lack of emotional stability, lack of a loving partner, lack of security, lack of safety, lack of self-confidence? Each human being has a place of poverty. 

That's the place where God wants to dwell! "How blessed are the poor," Jesus says (Matthew 5:3). This means that our blessing is hidden in our poverty.

We are so inclined to cover up our poverty and ignore it that we often miss the opportunity to discover God, who dwells in it. Let's dare to see our poverty as the land where our treasure is hidden.

-- Henri Nouwen

goosebumps

How is God's word so amazing?

Ephesians 6:10-18

10-12 And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.

13-18 Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other’s spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.