church-hunting

So, I guess I got stuck in the last church I tried out, i.e. I've been going to Alta_r (V_neyard affiliated) for the past few weeks now. I tried out one of their small groups (twice) and will be going to a small-group potluck tomorrow. I think I'll just stir-fry some asparagus in garlic and bring that. Don't feel up to anything that requires thought and preparation.

(Although, if someone wants to share their recipes with me, they'd be welcomed!)

That reminds me--I need to go grocery shopping tonight.

I don't know if I should stay with this church or keep looking. Finally, thankfully, heard their regular pastor preach this past Sunday. Prior to that, the youth pastor was speaking for a few weeks, and frankly, that drove me nuts. I think pastors employ a certain kind of rhetoric to reach out to "youth" and that's great but I don't really want to listen to it anymore. The regular pastor isn't bad.

But I must confess that it would be wonderful to find a congregation aimed at academics. I know, I know, you're rolling your eyes. But I hear so many different kinds of questions and positions in academia that I sometimes long for a pastor who would help provide some kind of perspective within that context. But I'm not saying that the pastor at Alta_r was irrelevant to me. In fact, he preached a pretty good sermon on discontent.

So I guess I'll stay on. The people in the small group are nice, especially J_n and his wife L_z, who host the group in their home. I suspect though, that I'm staying on because Alta_r's service begins at 6pm on Sundays (good for sleeping in and being lazy) and because I'm too lazy to find other churches and visit them.

life is going well (most of the time)

Briefly, life as a postdoc is going well besides the fact that I'm finding it hard to work. There are days when I am just over the moon about what being here this year will mean--attending interesting lectures, working with a really friendly and supportive postdoc group, having access to a great library (even if I do prefer Cornell's), and the possibility that I will be able to learn more as I read, write, and teach. And I will be doing all this in warm and sunny Southern California!! (Never mind the high rent and the fact that everything is always at least a 30 minute drive away.)

And then there are days when I am inexplicably depressed and can't seem to figure out why I'm so down. Some people think it's just the post-big-project funk, and one person told me yesterday that it usually takes most people about a year to recover from dissertation writing.

I need to get my act together quicker than that, but mostly, I just want to enjoy my time here!!!! Theoretically, I know that I'm in a very good place but I want to feel good about it too every day!!! Every single day. Every single day.

Oh, and I absolutely adore my new faculty mentor. I think I have a girl crush on her. (For a definition of what a girl crush is, read this New York Times article.)

risking repetition (excerpt from Nouwen's "The Prodigal Son")

At issue here is the question: "To whom do I belong? To God or to the world?" Many of my daily preoccupations suggest that I belong more to the world than to God. A little criticism makes me angry, and a little rejection makes me depressed. A little praise raises my spirits, and a little success excites me. It takes very little to raise me up or thrust me down. Often I am like a small boat on the ocean, completely at the mercy of its waves. All the time and energy I spend in keeping some kind of balance and preventing myself from being tipped over and drowning shows that my life is mostly a struggle for survival: not a holy struggle, but an anxious struggle resulting from the mistaken idea that it is the world that defines me.

As long as I keep running about asking: "Do you love me? Do you really love me?" I give all power to the voices of the world and put myself in bondage because the world is filled with "ifs." The world says: "Yes, i love you if you are good-looking, intelligent, and wealthy. I love you if you have a good education, a good job, and good connections. I love you if you produce much, sell much, and buy much. There are endless "ifs" hidden in the world's love. These "ifs" enslave me, since it is impossible to respond adequately to all of them. The world's love is and always will be conditional. As long as I keep looking for my true self in the world of conditional love, I will remain "hooked" to the world--trying, failing, and trying again. It is a world that fosters addictions because what it offers cannot satisfy the deepest craving of my heart.

(pg 42)

Finished the dissertation about two weeks ago. Other deadlines to meet this week--not as stressful but still feeling burned out so work is going slow.

More thoughts another time.