face turned to the sun

second coaster of the series

the gift of time

I woke up at 6:21am this morning. This hasn't been so unusual since I started using the "brainwave tuner" app before bed. My alternative doc recommended it--he knew I had insomnia even w/o my saying anything about it--and they lent me a magnet contraption that channels the brainwaves to my head. (Yes, you can just listen to it on your tablet/phone, but you need to listen to it for at least 30 minutes.) I've been falling asleep without melatonin since I started using this app! And, I sometimes wake up about an hour before my alarm rings.

Anyway, the point of the story is that I had time to take a leisurely shower and then sat on my couch and listened to my youtube playlist before heading to work. I feel terrible for not hurrying, and for not using every extra minute I gained by waking up at 6:21am. Why is it so hard for me to enjoy the gift of time? Today is the last day of class, and I don't have a whole lot of prep work to do, so why hurry hurry hurry? Moreover, I'm a little sick and tired of the academic year now. I really want a break.

All my friends are also sick and tired of teaching. Students don't care, and here in HK, you can't even downgrade them for missing classes, and the majority of students only care about their grade, not knowledge. I want a bit of time away from all this. Well, classes end tomorrow, and then students have some time to work on their finals. I'll have a lot of grading to do in May, and then I can say goodbye to this part of my work for the summer. I can't wait, I really can't wait. And I'm pretty sure I'll need alcohol to get through the grading.

This turned into a rant. But originally, I wanted it to be an observation about how guilty I feel when I'm not rushing about. I'd like to feel energetic, but also relaxed. I'm usually either energetic and stressed, or tired and slow and stressed. I'd like to be full of get up and go, but I'd also like to be fully aware that our God is the Author of Time. He has not only designed me to work, but also given me the right amount of time to get that work done.

what to do what to do

Saturday April 21, 2012
Ordering Our Desires

Desire is often talked about as something we ought to overcome. Still, being is
desiring: our bodies, our minds, our hearts, and our souls are full of desires.
Some are unruly, turbulent, and very distracting; some make us think deep thoughts and see great visions; some teach us how to love; and some keep us searching for God. Our desire for God is the desire that should guide all other desires. Otherwise our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls become one another's enemies and our inner lives become chaotic, leading us to despair and self-destruction. Spiritual disciplines are not ways to eradicate all our desires but ways to order them so that they can serve one another and together serve God.

- Henri J. M. Nouwen

???

I'm glad I don't have to see anyone today. I feel like I've become an even more horrible person. I feel like strangling my TA because of a suggestion he made. I won't reply until tomorrow so that I won't send him a WTF email. I like being able to sequester myself, especially on rainy days and on days when I have awful thoughts in my head. But boy, I hope I become a better person, and soon.

Update

This irritability may be due to the moratorium on exercise (knees are fine now, but doc wants to get through problems in my back and neck), but if I'm still this irritable even after I get to work out again, I think I need a therapist.

cool coasters

My church is starting a sermon series on working out our faith, and they're giving away one coaster with a Bible verse on it every week of the sermon series. I love how creative they are!

ouch

I sliced my finger open while struggling with the packaging of the set of magnets I bought in Osaka.

Arima, Osaka, Kyoto

I had a wonderful time in Japan! The conference also went well, but I'm still recovering from the trip. So much to see and so little time. More pictures and stories in my web album.

Trip to Japan

It was amazing. Travel keeps me humble. Hope to post stories soon before I forget them! For now, back to writing class lectures. Oh, I'm so tired.

-----

Henri Nouwen
Friday April 6, 2012

Being Humble and Confident

As we look at the stars and let our minds wander into the many galaxies, we come to feel so small and insignificant that anything we do, say, or think seems completely useless. But if we look into our souls and let our minds wander into the endless galaxies of our interior lives, we become so tall and significant that everything we do, say, or think appears of great importance.

We have to keep looking both ways to remain humble and confident, humorous and serious, playful and responsible. Yes, the human person is very small and very tall. It is the tension between the two that keeps us spiritually awake.

Easter Week

Will be leaving on a trip today, and hoping that typhoons at my destination will not force me to land in a different city! Looking forward to some R&R away from home, even if I will have to work too--it's mostly a business trip. And very much looking forward to good food!

I wonder if I'm feeling low because we're entering the last few weeks of class. Last year, classes were over by Easter Week. This year, we have at least three more weeks of class. I don't know how that happened. I'll feel a lot better once I can start exercising again. Too much TV is not good for me. I can't complain too much since this year is looking like a good year. I've seen old friends, and I've made new ones too. Unfortunately, I feel like I've also lost a couple of old friends.

A part of me thinks, well, you can just write to them and get back in touch! But another part of me thinks, well, they don't seem particularly excited about being in relationship with you, so why bother? I don't know what to do. But I am very thankful for the friends who do make the time to write or drop me a note on FB. I know we're all busy and I don't have to hear from everyone on a regular basis. It's just nice to hear from them every now and again.