would you believe it?

Shit is hitting the fan at T-house, AGAIN. For all intents and purposes, I'm acting as house-president. This weekend is going to be a very long and hard one. Fingers crossed that we do the ethical thing, but that we will also conduct all processes in a way that minimizes any kind of mob-craziness. T-house is the kind of place that could combust if someone so much as sneezes (not really, but sometimes it feels that way, esp when I suddenly find myself in a position of authority).

What I really should do at the end of the semester is print a t-shirt with the words: "Everything I learned this year, I learned at T-house."

photos from puebla

I didn't have time/energy to be very touristy when I was at the American Comparative Literature Association (ACLA) annual meeting in Puebla, Mexico. Anyway, there are a few more photos, but not very many. I had a great time at my panels (very productive questions from the audience!!) and I had a lovely time just walking around town and EATING every 20 minutes or so.

I felt constantly full the few days I was there because I just had to try everything I saw. Great pastries, tamales, quesadillas, tacos, churros, and oh, the hot chocolate for dipping churros was so thick it resembled pudding! Not super-sweet like American hot chocolate but thick and chocolat-ey like you wouldn't believe!

Can't resist saying again that I was so very glad to have gone to the conference. The questions I got after I presented my paper were very helpful and I'm so much more interested in this chapter than I was before. Maybe I'm not crazy, and maybe I won't have to throw away what I've written so far, and maybe I don't need to start all over again!!!!!!! Maybe I'll even have fun writing this second chapter.

You don't know how relieved I am.

I also saw some old friends who had graduated and moved on to professorial positions at Yale, University of Pennsylvania, and Amherst College. A couple of them I hadn't seen for 4 years! Chi-Ming and Javier were in their last year of their PhD program when I was a first-year graduate student. It was lovely to see them again, they're all such amazing people. And so generous and wise with advice. :)

two pictures from maryland

Too lazy to upload more pictures! Anyway, here are my friends Dilkushi and Atsuko. Atsuko's finishing up her MA at Cornell, and Dilkushi has graduated with a PhD in Environmental Engineering and is in a post-doc in Maryland.

back from mexico

Got back at about 1am today, had a GREAT time in Mexico. The conference was very productive, and I got to meet up with people I hadn't seen in years. Very tired now, hope to write more at some point. I am so glad I went to the conference, but now I feel utterly discombobulated and need to find my work rhythm.

annual photo

This picture was taken in our cleaned-up living room. Usually there are books, blankets, and random crap strewn all over.

good thought

Thanks for the concern. :) I am feeling a bit better, and having folks commiserate is always helpful!

I was talking to someone last week about this, and he said something that stopped me short for awhile. He said, "Well, if you could be writing, you'd be doing it already."

If I could do something, I'd be doing it already? In other words, I'm not doing whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing (reading, writing, whatever) because I'm not ready to do that very thing.

This smacks suspiciously of grace to me, although my friend did not use that word. It reminds me most of Brother Lawrence's reminder that we can "only grow as fast as grace allows."

Whenever I struggle to do something, or when I'm procrastinating, my first impulse is to condemn myself for indiscipline and laziness. And hey, maybe it is laziness. I'm not absolutely convinced of the truth of my friend's comment.

But I'm willing to think it over.

a little better

The past few days were awful, and I don't know why. I had neither energy, focus, nor interest in anything. I took yesterday completely off, and just stayed in bed watching TV . . . again. :) I do that a lot these days. But usually I only watch TV after I've gotten in a good day's work!

But the past few days, I was so despondent and lethargic I couldn't even bring myself to go to the gym, and I'm usually a pretty disciplined person. It's funny, the world literally seemed like a dark and joyless place.

Finally went to the gym this afternoon and my spirits have lifted some. Truly, I cannot do this by myself. If I get through this part of my life (and whatever else that comes next), I know I'm not living by my strength alone.

(Even now I feel gloom returning a little, but at least I had a brief respite.)

health

i'm a bit of a hypochondriac, but i also often take good health for granted. i take it for granted that i will be able (and willing!) to go to the gym regularly, push myself on the badminton court, and eat anything i want whenever i want to without worrying about aches, pains, or discomfort.

the stomach bug this past weekend reminded me just how much i tolerate any kind of discomfort or inconvenience. i don't have a chronic/recurring disease (although i am completely anal about taking care of my back) and i generally live a pain-free life . . . some people aren't quite so blessed.

whenever something does go wrong, i go nuts trying to control it. but really, should i expect to have so much control over my life or body? i need to have responsible habits, yes, but those habits don't guarantee a pain/discomfort-free life and i need to accept that.

(basically, i'm writing this post because i don't know how to write the next paragraph in chap 2 of the dissertation. but also because i really do have to learn to accept the fact that i cannot control everything that goes on in my life.)

whacked out right now

got some kind of funny stomach bug over the weekend. feeling mostly better now. it didn't affect my appetite though. just ate as i pleased, and then used the bathroom whenever i needed to. one of my housemates is still really sick with a stomach bug (he got it before me), and another one has viral meningitis. someone once described living at t-ride as living in a petri dish. don't think that's too far off the mark.

fighting off panic attacks and trying to take one day at a time. trying to do one thing at a time, and trying to think about one thing at a time. relax . . . relax . . . relax . . .