oh wait

The past few days have been tough because of what we had to do in our meetings, and it was a big trigger for me. I realized that I need to do a better job of putting some distance between me and my colleagues' emotions.

But I also realized that many people around me are supportive. They are sane, logical people who realize that problems need to be solved in a professional manner. (And gosh, in any case, I'm definitely not the problem in this situation.)

Mar was so great at talking me through what I call my night of irrationality. EY was a calm presence who tries to see things from everyone's perspective as generously and as fairly as she can. It was so helpful to hear her read of the situation. T kept the process moving forward. We haven't had a chance to chat, and I would like to but I don't know if it's appropriate. But EY mentioned that T is supportive and on an intellectual level, I know it too. N is still a mostly unknown entity but she seems sweet and very generous right now.

I have a lot to be very thankful for.

Old friend

DD88 cracks me up. And after all these years, she still remembers who I truly am. She's loves generously and without holding back. God has really blessed me with friends who speak their hearts and who are capable of so much more love than I am.

Stomach pains

I also learned this weekend that saying "No" at work terrifies me. All my mentors have told me that this year I need to say no whenever people try to get me to take up administrative work that no one wants to do, and I had to learn to do that this weekend.

It was the safest, best possible scenario for me to say no--which isn't saying that it was all rainbow and flowers--but the decision also took hours of agony to make followed by hours of agony that haven't quite gone away yet. Basically, it still makes my stomach hurt when I think about it.

Wtf, gender roles, wtf. Because hey, a woman needs to say no. N. O. No.

Weekend? What weekend? Who had a weekend?

But being privy to different people's thoughts, I also realized that everyone wants Boss to do what they think is the right thing. Someone in that position must be on the receiving end of so many contradictory demands that it really must be maddening.

Now that I'm thinking about it, when Boss first sat in on our meetings, he was always calm and unruffled. He still tries to be fair in our meetings now, but he's starting to show annoyance and irritation a little more. And the people can be quite a handful:

1. Always angry and incensed, and sees problems everywhere but never brings any solution to the table.

2. Always takes any disagreement as the possible start of WWIII, and begins almost every discussion as an attack hound. Very divisive even when there is no need to be. And there's even a biblical warning on divisive people (Titus 3:10)!!!!

3. Gets angry about the weirdest things, mostly out of insecurities imho. This person needs clear rules about how things done or otherwise feels unsafe and thus becomes very distracted from other kinds of work. I'm sympathetic to this person because I like clear rules too and our dept has been incredibly chaotic and disorderly ever since I've been here. But we all have to roll with it, and ignore as much as possible.

Person no. 4 is new and so far hasn't said much but I'm hopeful that s/he is more sane and fair than other personalities have been in the past.

We are a mess.

The meeting happened on Friday afternoon, we spent most of the weekend making a few more decisions over email, and it's now Monday afternoon, but I can't stop thinking about it either.

lessons after a dept meeting

I think I figured out what it is that bothers me about a particular colleague. This person sees every disagreement with him/her as a personal attack and the people who disagree with him/her as his/her enemies. It is a singularly childish and immature attitude to bring into the work place, especially in work places where policies and decisions have effects on many different constituencies and stakeholders. We can't protect X at the expense of Y.

And to me, this person who is closer to retirement than the rest of us is not only immature, but also foolish because this person consistently and constantly takes a combative approach to disagreements with colleagues who would be much better positioned as allies rather than adversaries. His/her actions create animosity, resentment, and deep fatigue for everyone, and personally, I have zero desire to work with him/her in the future because I have zero trust in his/her judgement, character, or collegiality.

But this teaches me valuable lessons about how professional success cannot be achieved alone. As teachers, our work in the classroom may depend primarily on ourselves, and much of writing also depends on what we can do. But even in both these contexts, we depend on the grace and generosity of mentors, tutors, and of course, from readers and students. Administrative work that is part of the life of all institutions is far beyond the purview of any single person no matter how kind, wise, or dedicated that one person is. And if that person has not built up kind feelings over the years, that person will fail. Spectacularly.

(Well, not always. The position of power still guarantees some privileges. But in the long run, that person has a much higher chance of failing than succeeding.)

dept meeting on Friday

I think I need to keep this front and center when I go into the meeting room this Friday. If someone is not teachable, i.e. they don't listen or are not open to feedback, we set limits and consequences. Working in a group means having to be open to feedback; no one person can get his or her way all the time or any of the time. I suppose I am utilitarian when it comes to dept politics: the greatest possible good for the greatest possible number. 

Personal projects and personal gain? Yeah, I guess it works if you're the one in power but eventually that just won't work anymore at which point you might need intensive surgery to remove whatever hard, impermeable object is stuck in the deep dark recesses of your body.

Mentor K

So thankful for the many amazing people God has brought into my life during this journey. Can I ask that this continues and never ends?

"You've never done this before, so you can't assume that you know how to do it."


My whole body relaxed when I heard her say this. She's right. How do I know when all I've seen is the finished product and nothing of what goes on behind the scenes?

Our Father who is the God of time, please be with me and teach me what it means to work knowing that You are holding me close. I'm not holding You close to me; You are.

Jeremiah 33:2-3

"This is what the Lord says, he who made the earth, the Lord who formed it and established it--the Lord is his name: 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'"

The Lord is faithful and keeps His promises.

Baddy

What a week

It's been a dramatic week.

Met with my new counselor to work on stress management. She's really good and I learned a lot in our session.

Met with a new dermatologist who says my eczema is not "simple" eczema, and is a "rather severe allergic reaction." We'll be looking at blood work and after the symptoms are addressed, I may have to consider patch testing in the future. But the great news is that oral and topical steroids are alleviating a lot of the torment I've been living with for the past 3-4 weeks. Who needs fancy bio-weapons when you can just induce immune-related disorders?

Working with my ms workshop director who thinks a re-orientation of the project will work better. I agree with her, but now I'm looking at substantial work over the next few months. But wow, she's so amazing....I'm a fangirl all over again. Seriously, how are these women (and some men) so wonderful, kind, and smart?

And I have dinner and a play to go to tomorrow night. Fun alongside what seems to be a never-ending grind.

So yeah, it's been dramatic. Despair. Pain. Hopelessness. Frustration. Insight. Healing. Friendship. Mentoring. Courage. Fun.

All in less than seven days....maybe there's reason to believe in young earth theology, after all.

My cute city

Listening as Spiritual Hospitality

To listen is very hard, because it asks of us so much interior stability that we no longer need to prove ourselves by speeches, arguments, statements, or declarations. True listeners no longer have an inner need to make their presence known. They are free to receive, to welcome, to accept.

Listening is much more than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond. Listening is paying full attention to others and welcoming them into our very beings. The beauty of listening is that, those who are listened to start feeling accepted, start taking their words more seriously and discovering their own true selves. Listening is a form of spiritual hospitality by which you invite strangers to become friends, to get to know their inner selves more fully, and even to dare to be silent with you.

Henri Nouwen

on hospitality

"Every good relationship between two or more people, whether it is friendship, marriage, or community, creates space where strangers can enter and become friends. Good relationships are hospitable."

-- Henri Nouwen

Lenten reflections

I've been feeling like something's amiss this week, and I feel a profound sense of restlessness and disconnection. A friend recommended a process, RAIN that's helped. Here are some of the key exercises:

R -- Recognize the experience and the emotions without judging. Name the emotions if possible.

A -- Allow those emotions to be there. We don't like some of our emotions, but we can accept them.

I -- Investigate why you are going through this. This is not always necessary but can be revealing.

N -- Non-identification with the emotions. We are not our emotions, and this is freeing.


I came to realize that I miss many of my deep friendships from the US. The university was a wonderful place where I met many people whom I came to care about very much even if I'm not always in touch with most of them. But what we all did in that setting was to sit with one another on each of our journeys despite our quite often vast differences.

Yes, we were all students of some sort--from the physical sciences, human sciences, humanities, arts, etc.--and we met because we were students, but all of us still led widely disparate lives with very little in common besides the fact that we were students. We came from the continents of Africa, the Americas, Europe, and Asia. Even during college, some of us were older than most of us, and in grad school, some of us were fresh out of university but many of us weren't, so we weren't even part of the same age group. Becky, Sarah, Dean Reese, Miao Laoshi, Maggie, Ron, Hannah, Sanford, Danielle, Val, Barbara, Bill, Carole....different ages, different backgrounds, different life experiences.

But we sat with one another and listened to one another's stories, and that's how we became friends. Of course it was awkward sometimes, and boring sometimes, and confusing sometimes, but we eventually built rich relationships.

That's what I miss most--the expectation that deep friendships can emerge out of unexpected places.

Lent

Food for thought.

sigh

Why did I choose this line of work? Because I thought my teachers were so cool and I wanted to be like them.

I don't feel this way about most of my colleagues, but I'm starting to feel this way about some of my senior colleagues here now. They're so cool, and I want to be part of their club....This is probably not the best way to pick a career, but it is what it is.

#fangirl