looking in the mirror

Last weekend, after a phone conversation with an old friend, Karen (currently in Arkansas), I had to face up to the fact that I'm less logical than I'd like to believe. I don't mean to say that there aren't reasons that inform my thoughts and actions, but that those reasons follow the "logic" of the situation less than they do the logics of my heart. By that I mean that the values I hold important will motivate the decisions I make.

To me, my decisions are highly logical, but they are often logical only within the value-system that makes up my world-view and they may not always seem logical to someone else. But besides that, without consciously choosing to do so, I will make decisions that will cause the least emotional disturbance in my life. And to me, that is also very "logical" but someone who does not share the same fears or joys will not think me very "logical." :)

In other words, my emotions and intuition are often dominate my thought-processes rather than the "cold hard facts" (if it's every possible to see the world that way!) of what's happening "outside" of me.

This explains why my old college buddy, Cat, often had to stop me from time to time and give me "the look." She gives me "the look" whenever I'm doing something that makes perfect z-sense, but can often be strange or sometimes inappropriate to everyone else.

Thank God for friends like Cat and Karen who help me become more adept at navigating life!

9 more weeks of school

Got back from Dilkushi's last night, will put up some pictures soon. Am actually more tired from the long drive than I thought I would be. It was really wonderful spending time with Dilkushi and Atsuko though. :) I didn't want to come back here!

Spring Break comes to an end

This past week has been more or less miserable. I did very little work (great!), watched a lot of TVB on my laptop (that was fun, even if I feel incredibly guilty!) and basically took things easy because I came back from the Boston team tournament with a very bad cold.

Had a lot of fun in Boston watching (shivering under a blanket) and playing badminton, but it also made me wish badminton has been more of a part of my life. I just wish I could play better but learning to play well just takes so much discipline, work and time. That made me a little sad. And it made me wonder again why I'm even in a PhD program in the first place. Well, I'm always wondering that anyway, so nothing's new, I guess. And nothing's new about the fact that I don't have any answers yet!

I have one year left to go and I will finish the dissertation . . . I will! I'm so close!! But what do I want to do after that?? I don't know what I want out of life. I don't know what's important to me.

I miss home, I miss not having to think and constantly be on my guard when I'm at home. I'm a child again when I go home. But that's not exactly a "life goal." I'm getting more and more cynical about what I can do as a professor. I still enjoy teaching, but . . . I don't know.

I don't think I can work for an NGO because, well, I'm even more cynical about work like that! Journalism and publishing are out. I've always preferred to read rather than write. And right now, I'd just much rather not think. I'm running out of ambition and drive. And maybe that's why I'm feeling down . . . but I don't exactly want to keep going on ambition and drive. I'm tired. I'm tired of always having to be strong. I'm tired of always having to "do better" and to "go further." I'm tired of having to always prove myself.

People think I'm smart. I don't feel smart. People think I'm strong. I don't feel strong. People think I write well, and I've never felt like a good writer! Every good thing that I do, I do by accident! If I said or did something smart, it was an accident! A whim! Instinct at best! I've never consciously done something smart. It really drives me nuts because I feel like I'm expected to keep "succeeding" and I don't know how long this will last. And when I don't "succeed," then what happens?

This post is a moment of weakness, but these thoughts have been on my mind for a very long time now, and I guess I just wanted to share them with the few friends whom I know read this blog. :) Don't worry about me, I'll be okay. I just have to get this off my chest.

Oh, and don't ask me any questions either, I won't be able to answer them!

I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon to drive down to Maryland with Atsuko--we're visiting Dilkushi for the weekend! I'm hoping that being away from Cornell will give me some perspective. It's a 6-hr drive and we won't be back until late Sunday night, I hope.

house business

I just spent the entire night doing house business. From 8-11:30pm. Aaahhhh!!!

I guess it's "okay" because I was too tired to think about my work anyway. And I am finding out that I don't really mind administrative tasks. At least there is instant gratification!

(Unlike writing and revising parts of a dissertation.)

A Story of Homecoming

Excerpt from Henri Nouwen's "The Return of the Prodigal Son":

What happened to the son in the distant country? Aside from all the material and physical consequences, what were the inner consequences of the son's leaving home? The sequence of events is quite predictable. The farther I run away from the place where God dwells, the less I am able to hear the voice that calls me the Beloved, and the less I hear that voice, the more entangled I become in the manipulations and power games of the world.

It goes somewhat like this: I am not so sure anymore that I have a safe home, and I observe other people who seem to be better off than I. I wonder how I can get to where they are. I try hard to please, to achieve success, to be recognized. When I fail, I feel jealous or resentful of these others. When I succeed, I worry that others will be jealous or resentful of me. I become suspicious or defensive and increasingly afraid that I won't get what I so much desire or will lose what I already have.

Caught in this tangle of needs and wants, I no longer know my own motivations. I feel victimized by my surroundings and distrustful of what others are doing or saying. Always on my guard, I lose my inner freedom and start dividing the world into those who are for me and those who are against me. I wonder if anyone really cares. I start looking for validations of my distrust. And wherever I go, I see them, and I say: "No one can be trusted." And then I wonder whether anyone ever really loved me. The world around me becomes dark. My heart grows heavy. My body is filled with sorrows. My life loses meaning. I have become a lost soul (page 47).

. . . . The younger son's return takes place in the very moment that he claims his sonship, even though he has lost all dignity that belongs to it. In fact, it was the lost of everything that brought him to the bottom line of his identity. . . . This realization became the basis for his choice to live instead of die. Once he had come again in touch with the truth of his sonship, he could hear--although faintly--the voice calling him the Beloved, and feel--although distantly--the touch of blessing.

This awareness and confidence in his father's love, misty as it may have been, gave him the strength to claim for his sonship, even though that claim could not be based on any merit (page 49).

feeling a bit better

Last night I was hit by a wave of homesickness, it was horrible. Took half the night off to IM with a couple of friends, and then watched an episode of an old Hong Kong TV series (Cold Blood Warm Heart) that I didn't get to watch in its entirety when it came out. This morning I had to quickly review 4 pages of Cantonese characters that I forgot were included in my Cantonese exam this morning. Didn't have too much time to memorize it because I also had to rush to my chiropractor's right before the exam.

Anyway, I know I got 4 characters wrong because there were all from the pages I forgot I had to memorize. Oh well. Whatever, I'm doing this for fun so I'm not going to stress out about it.

I'm feeling a little better now, and will be working on Draft 2 of that chapter I finished a couple of weeks back. The portion from the chapter that I sent in to the journal last week should be good to go, but there's a whole other 20 pages that need serious revising.

All in all, this is as good a start to the week as I can hope for!

The wind is blowing like CRAZY, and it's cold all over again. Tonight and tomorrow are going to be very cold days. Sigh. And I was hoping that winter would be over.

done with one thing

blessings: turning in my paper one day before the deadline.

blessings: Jade's and Kate's friendship, generosity, and wisdom.

not blessings: feeling so horrible I feel like throwing up.

(And no, it's not a health issue; more of a state of heart/mind)