decisions

I've been thinking about vocation for a long time and I've thought for a few months now that my time in here will be significant and I've finally figured out why. In some ways, I have a very strong personality and to some people at least, I come across as confident, talented, and decisive. Some who know me well will at least know that I may not always be as confident or decisive as I may seem. On the one hand, I respond very aggressively when threatened--at least I may feel threatened, others may not think they are threatening me--but being "aggressive" is not the same as being confident or sure of one's self.

I say this because even though sometimes I'm very clear about what I like or don't like--"No, I can't meet up with you tonight because I'm tired" or "No, I don't like to go to clubs, so you guys go have fun without me"--a part of me is still too much of a people-pleaser. I suspect this is why I'm in the field I'm in right now.

College was such a great time because I started learning well for the first time in my life (no thanks to the M'sian education system). I enjoyed my lessons and I excelled at them. I went on to grad school not knowing if I wanted to be an academic because my relationships with my teachers were so good. I stumbled most of my way through grad school because I didn't feel as nurtured and I didn't feel like I succeeded. Well, I lucked out and got into a postdoc program where I felt nurtured again and therefore felt like I was succeeding in my chosen profession! It is true that we all need feedback and we all need guidance and mentoring. But is that a good enough reason to keep working at it? I don't know.

To some degree, I walked through doors because they were open and it seemed reasonable to do so at the time and that is fine. But I feel so helpless in it all. Are my current employers going to offer me a contract renewal? If they don't, will someone else do so? My life seems very much in someone else's hands. And yes, I recognize God's hand in all of this. But his hand often seems so invisible. I've felt "fine" about my work only when I received affirmation from people in authority over me, and they happened to be smart, successful, caring, and wise women. But I can be a smart, successful, caring, and wise woman too without being in this line of work.

I don't know. I'm confused. But I will be praying for clarity. This period in my life will be "experimental" as in "let's see if I can do XYZ and be successful at it." Even if I decide at the end of this season of my life that I want to keep doing what I do, this time of careful searching will be valuable and necessary. (I hope.)