back down low

Dissertation highs are like sugar highs--before you know it, you've fallen back down and you feel worse than you did before.

Blah.

I need to turn in whatever I've written of chap 2 tomorrow morning but I already have so many comments and suggestions for myself--and I've only read four of the pages I've written.

Sigh.

Oh yeah, weird story: I got a check in the mail for quite a large sum of money, but I don't know the guy who sent it and why he would send it!! There's a name and address on the back of the envelope so I googled the guy, got his email and contacted him asking why he sent me the check. I'm so forgetful these days, he could be paying me for something legitimate--but I have absolutely no recollection what I could have sold him. Really strange.

Friends J and B said I should totally cash the check first before the guy replies. :) After all, my name is on the check. I dunno though. This sounds absolutely fishy . . . except that this guy is a PhD student from the U of Hawaii . . . ?? The check came from Ohio University so it could be work-related . . . but I have nothing to do with Ohio University . . . This is such a mystery.

Feeling a little down in the dumps today. Sigh.

yay!!!

I'm finally DONE revising the job letter and dissertation abstract!!! When I met with N (my advisor) today, she used the word "amazing" at least three times. AMAZING. She also said, at least 3-4 times, "I really like this" and "This is really good."

Woohoo!!!!

I then told her that if I had to revise it one more time I would throw up. . . . I was joking-lah. :p I'm just in time too, because I have to submit an application on Oct 1. No weekend off for me! But then again, that's not unusual.

This whole week I've been mostly working on chap 2, out of which my 25-page writing sample will come. The more I write, the more I am convinced that this will be a 50-page chapter. I have about 20 pages currently, and I have to turn it in to my profs by this Friday so they can refer to it when they write me my recommendation letters.

Unfortunately, I have a deadline on Oct 8 that requires me to send in this as-yet-very-rough chapter. My argument is taking awhile to build up, but I really like what I'm trying to do!!

Of course, now that I'm still on a high from receiving compliments from my adviser, life is really fun!!! I don't even want to work on the writing sample even though I probably should. Nah!!! I'll just pick it up again tomorrow morning.

I don't want any stress to adulterate my happiness!!!!!!

blah

Wow. Don't think I'll make it to badminton until mid or end of November. Too much to do if I want to meet the deadlines. This is really taking over my life, and apparently, friend J reports from her position as a new prof that it only gets 10 times worse once you actually begin your job.

Thanks for your comments, Cat. :) You need to keep us updated about your projects--I'd love to hear about them!!

Aaagggh

Stress levels have risen a great deal. Many deadlines in Oct and the Nov deadlines aren't much of a comfort because they want me to send them more materials. Much to do. I'm even skipping badminton, that's how much work and stress I have right now. Will go back next week, I hope, this week is rough.

The job list came out yesterday

My stomach is roiling.

I wish I had read two years ago the books I'm reading now.

again, from Derrida's "Gift of Death"

“On what condition is responsibility possible? On the condition that the Good no longer be a transcendental objective, a relation between objective things, but the relation to the other, a response to the other; an experience of personal goodness and a movement of intention. That supposes, as we have seen, a double rupture: both with orgiastic mystery and with Platonism. On what condition does goodness exist beyond all calculation? On the condition that goodness forget itself, that the movement be a movement of the gift that renounces itself, hence a movement of infinite love. Only infinite love can renounce itself and, in order to become finite, become incarnated in order to love the other, to love the other as a finite other. This gift of infinite love comes from someone and is addressed to someone; responsibility demands irreplaceable singularity. Yet only death or rather the apprehension of death can give this irreplaceability, and it is only on the basis of it that one can speak of a responsible subject, as the soul as conscience of self, of myself, etc. . . . There is thus a structural disproportion or dissymmetry between the finite and responsible mortal on the one hand and the goodness of the infinite gift on the other hand. One can conceive of this disproportion without assigning to it a revealed cause or without tracing it back to the event of original sin, but it inevitably transforms the experience of responsibility into one of guilt: I have never been and never will be up to the level of this infinite goodness nor up to the immensity of the gift, the frameless immensity that must in general define (in-define) a gift as such. This guilt is originary, like original sin. Before any fault is determined, I am guilty inasmuch as I am responsible. What gives me my singularity, namely, death and finitude, is what makes me unequal to the infinite goodness of the gift that is also the first appeal to responsibility” (51).

from Derrida's "The Gift of Death"

“Something has not yet arrived, neither at Christianity nor by means of Christianity. What has not yet arrived at or happened to Christianity is Christianity. Christianity has not yet come to Christianity. What has not yet come about is the fulfillment, within history and in political history, and first and foremost in European politics, of the new responsibility announced by the mysterium tremendum. There has not yet been an authentically Christian politics because there remains this residue of the Platonic polis. Christian politics must break more definitively and more radically with Greco-Roman Platonic politics in order to finally fulfill the mysterium tremendum” (28).

“But Patocka not only refers to the political profile of Neoplatonism; he also makes oblique reference to something that is not a thing but that is probably the very site of the most decisive paradox, namely, the gift that is not a present, the gift of something that remains inaccessible, unpresentable, and as a consequence secret. The event of this gift would link the essence without essence of the gift to secrecy. For one might say that a gift that could be recognized as such in the light of day, a gift destined for recognition, would immediately annul itself. The gift is secret itself, if the secret itself can be told. Secrecy is the last word of the gift which is the last word of the secret” (30).

arrival of fall

Temps have dropped quite a bit so now everyone has to wear at least a sweater or a light jacket outside--just 2 days ago, we were all still in shorts and t-shirts or tank tops. And with the cool weather, I suspect we're going to see the first round of cold viruses as well. Mercy! Mercy!

I am also learning to expect Wednesdays to be physically difficult for me. I am either nauseated, have irritable bowels, or like today, I'd feel so tired I can hardly get anything done. I also learned last week from an undergrad that they call Wednesdays "Hump Days," i.e. after you get over this hump, the rest of the week will be fine.

Work is moving on slowly. Just met with my adviser about Draft 2, and she likes what I've done with it although I will probably need to revise it extensively one more time before going through it the last time for minor edits. Those unfamiliar with the writing process in academia might think this process is too long, but this is pretty much run of the mill and in fact, I'm glad to be getting off so lightly. The end is in sight for me. As we tell our students, there is no such thing as good writing, there is only good re-writing.

That said, I'm really glad because my adviser does feel like I've really hit on the questions that I'm passionate about, and she can see me turning the dissertation into a book project. Of course, at this point, I just want to write the dissertation.

But time is running out. I have one more week to do the readings I want to do (5-6 more books on forgiveness, justice, and the gift) and then I have to churn out the first draft of my writing sample. Within this next week, I also have to produce my teaching portfolio. I really, really should've done that over the summer. Aaagggh.

Isn't there a Cantonese saying that goes, "Yauh sihgaan seih, mouh sihgaan pehng . . . "?
(I have time to die, but I don't have time to get sick.)

Sigh. I suspect I am getting sick, but I will have to try to keep on working anyway.

not that effective

Used the lightbox this morning but it didn't help as I was very sleepy again by 9am, and had to take a 40 minute nap. Sigh.

Last night wasn't too bad but it wasn't great either. But today ended up being pretty good, I don't know why!! Played badminton, which I don't usually do on Saturdays but it was fun. Got some work done this afternoon and will work for another hour or so before I meet with some of my dorm friends for some wine.

I'm so confused

I think this is my best year at Cornell yet. I'm so happy to be doing what I'm doing right now. But I can't deny that it stresses me out and I'm usually exhausted even when I don't have much to show for that exhaustion. This is really frustrating. The mood swings are still pretty extreme; one day I'm bursting with energy and enthusiasm, and the next day, it's all I can do to contain my tears.

I'm driving myself nuts.

Finally had the results from my sleep study back, and nothing seems to be the trouble. The doctor thinks that I wake up because of anxiety and stress, and that I'm just hardwired to go to bed late and wake up late. By trying to wake up at 7am I'm fighting against my own circadian rhythms, so he suggested using a lightbox. I guess I will try using the lightbox. It's either that or be like my friend J--she goes to bed at 4am and wakes up at noon.

Because circadian rhythms might be genetic, I have to use a lightbox for the rest of my life I want to keep waking up early. That, or find a job that doesn't start till 10:30am at the earliest!! Well, I'm thankful that I don't have sleep apnea or RLS!!

weekend

Couldn't focus this weekend, so didn't do any work. Feel marginally better.

roller coaster

One day, I'm at the top of the mountain, and two days later, I'm back at the bottom. Is this what this next year is going to be like?? One day I feel hungry as a horse, and the next day, I can't eat without feeling nauseated. Will I wake up every morning wondering if I'm going to feel like I'm the worst student on campus, or am I going to feel happy because I'm doing what I've been called to do?

And it's so hard, because there are people around me who believe that what they're doing is fabulous, that they have something to say. And yeah yeah, some people will say, "Oh, well, you don't really know what they're feeling inside. They feel just as insecure as you do!"

B_ll.

There are people who think they are the most wonderful creatures in the world. There are people who think they are incredibly smart (some of them are, some of them aren't).

I don't care if they are what they think they are, I just wish I had their confidence--that comfort, that security, that assurance.

Aaaaagggh. (Okay, please don't respond to this post either. I just need to vent.)