Highs and lows

 Some of my friends and I listed out our highs and lows from 2020. 

The number of highs on our lists were more than the lows.

Fear of pain

 This has been a season in the wilderness. I actually think it began a year and a half ago, ironically, when I felt like I had finally left Egypt. I remember the place and occasion when I had that thought, "Ah, I have left slavery and I'm standing outside the Promised Land."

And then I entered into a year and a half of testing like I've never experienced before. Like the Israelites, I hadn't realized that the miracle of the Red Sea would be followed by 40 years of wandering. (I do pray that this season won't last 40 literal years.)

But in this time, it is true that He has led me to oases for times of refreshment and rest. A year after thinking I had left Egypt, one person gave me the word, "Step out" and another, "What you have asked for has been granted." 

I am waiting for both these words to be fulfilled, but I do believe that in the spiritual realm, they have already been set into motion.

God is also very strategic. As I wrote testimony #11, He used it to unravel more. Pulling on one small knot can lead to the unravelling of other knots.

The next stage may not be easier, who knows? (God does, of course. That was a rhetorical question.) But in all things, God will lead me as a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night, and His presence will never depart from me. He will provide manna and quail.

And as I keep healing for past wounds, pain might become less fearsome. Like athletes who submits our bodies to training--micro-tears!--I will get stronger. I am already stronger. God will keep me from harm. 

(But still, I can't wait to get out of the wilderness.)

1 Chronicles 4:10

Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request.

 

Lesson of the year: Do not judge

This morning, God revealed another judgment that I had made of a semi-stranger years and years ago. And today, I found out that I was wrong. I formed my judgment of him based on rumors--some of them probably true--but God showed me in a big way that I don't always see the whole picture. When I don't see the whole picture, I absolutely have no right to judge.

God is persistent. It's unbelievable that this person, C, reached out after all these years for a favor, not for himself, but for someone else who reminds me of myself in some ways. 

God has a way of bringing us to our knees. 

"Do not judge" has been a lesson that God has been teaching me for the past 11 months.

💗

One more class, and Elijah House 201 will come to an end. Because of a resurgence in the virus, we will have our final class on zoom. Almost everyone voted to delay the graduation lunch to the fall when hopefully we will be able to gather together in person. It's been such a precious time, I'm glad we'll be able to see one another face to face again. 

The entire course is centered on connecting our hearts to the Father's heart. 

This is difficult to do because of the many things in our lives that have led us to protect our hearts using our own methods and by our own strength, none of which honor God or involve God. 

I'm starting to see--feel!--how my heart literally scrunches up in on itself when I feel hurt or scared. It has been so normal to me that I never noticed it before. A key teaching of the course is that we need to trust God to protect our hearts. 

Psalm 115:11 You who fear him, trust in the LORD— he is their help and shield.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.

Psalm 27:3 

This sounds easy and anyone who has been Christian for even a short time will be familiar with these promises. But within the first week of class, I realized how difficult it was, and can still be, for me to trust that God will be the one who protects my heart and that I don't have to be the one who does it.

Last night, my accountability group and I had the opportunity to pray for one of our members, and it was clear to me that she wasn't ready to let God protect her heart in a particular situation. When I saw her resolve to draw up walls around, I thought, "Oh, is that what it looks like? Is that what I look like when I don't give up my fears and wounds to Father God?"

Having experienced healing in some areas, I realized that it is so much better to let Father come into each room of my heart. But I also understand why the sister couldn't go there (yet). It can seem too frightening. 

EH calls this a sign of "unripe fruit," that is, an area that the person is not ready to relinquish. As prayer supporters, we don't go there because it isn't time yet and only the Holy Spirit knows when that time will be.

It's been interesting for me to note that there are areas in my life that I haven't relinquished either. In my head, it makes so much sense to say, "Yes, Lord, please do whatever You want with xyz in my life." But my heart tightens its death grip on those very areas. But at least now I can say this with honesty. I'm not sure why I can't let go and trust Father. Those are revelations that are for Father to reveal in good time. 

To trust God with our hearts ... in a way, that is also a way to put our hearts on the altar as Abraham did with Isaac. Isaac, the son of God's promise and Abraham's heart of hearts .... Abraham had to trust God with his dreams, his loves, his hopes, and everything that mattered in his life. Abraham had to say, "Okay, You've got this. I trust You. No matter what You decide, I'll be okay with it. I could be crushed by this, and I could hurt so much that I can't stand up again. But I'm going to trust that even if that happens, You are right and good."

Also want to praise Father in this time! I am seeing in the current moment how God can use the gift of administration. Learning slowly. 

Yes, some things are very minor like scheduling and making sure everyone knows where to meet. But I am slowly realizing that even something as simple as “waiting patiently” is a powerful act of obedience to God. It is a gift I can give to Father who has all things and created all things, and in whom all things are made. 

Mind blowing. Truly.

New Year's Eve

Sitting at a cafe with Irene, Pauline, and Rebecca in Seoul waiting to countdown.

The last couple of months were super hard (family and work).

But God has shown up to heal and He has given me many promises.

Emancipation.
Open, wide road.

I don't like my situation right now but God knows what He's doing. As much as I don't like 2019, I will give thanks for my God who uses all things for my good.

My resolution always seems to be "trust."

Too funny

My journey has been a difficult one, but God has placed so many wonderful teachers and mentors in my path. So many.

Everyone is so happy for me.

Thankful to be outside again

Finally made it to the Instagram pier. It was nicer than I thought actually. I didn't take pictures of the pier itself. It actually looked industrial but nice because so many locals and expats were hanging out with friends, family, pets, or just alone.

God and his very, very mysterious ways

I've been struggling the last few days, and I asked God to speak to me in a special way because I felt distant from Him. I know it's not His fault, but I still felt quite upset and sad. This morning, I received this email. The person who wrote it was an admissions officer at my college and was one of the first two people to welcome me to campus and make me feel better during my first horrible 9 months. Because he was so impressed with my badminton, he introduced me to the squash coach who taught me how to play squash and then put me on the varsity team. I traveled to many different New England colleges to play for the team and that's how I visited many parts of the East Coast (for free!). I remember the conversation in the computer lab that he described, but I don't remember writing the email at all. God set up the different pieces of the puzzle a little over twenty years ago so that He could give me some encouragement today. He has really set the bar high for my future expectations!

This came late, but it couldn't have been more timely.

whimsy

I asked the Holy Spirit what I thought was a question that would never be answered because it seemed so silly and impossible. It's a question that's important to me, but I didn't think there could be an answer to it.

I told Y about the question over WhatsApp on March 15. I don't think she expected me to get an answer either.

But God answered today.

He's pretty amazing. Brownie points for taking my questions seriously, even the ones that seem dumb!

No fear

As I reflect on the past, I realized that God started to provide long before I knew how to pray. God was always in this and had my good in mind even before I knew Him.

Walking in faith still isn't easy for me. This morning, I just want to tell God, "No more, please. No more challenges and tests. I just want to be happy." 

But am I idolizing happiness?

It's hard but I need to remember that money is just money. Work is just work. At the end of the day, what is money and work to God? Tools. 

Burnout

And blessings. It's unbelievable how God has brought so many generous friends into my life. Nothing I ever deserve.

Checking in

Sometimes work can throw really hard stuff in our way. I'm thankful that God has provided a friend who understands what this life is like, and who watches out for me.

LB2

One of God's ragtag teams.

Back at work again

My mentor suggested we meet after the dust settles as we all begin a new semester. Then in one of my replies to something we were discussing over email, I said, "Gosh!!!!!!"

And he immediately offered to meet sooner rather than later because I included so many exclamation marks. He is super sweet.

But nothing's wrong. I used a lot of exclamation marks because I've been having trouble getting back into a respectable work routine and for that moment--and actually even now--I don't feel very motivated to get back into work.

I'm sure God wouldn't approve, but wouldn't it be nice if life were a nice long vacation?

13 months?

Every time I think back on what I've experienced in the last year or so, I am filled with amazement at what God's done. So much has happened that have been beyond my control or even my imagination.

God works in His own time and in His own way. Often we don't see what's going on until God brings us or them into the picture, and then we see a glimpse of His work. What is His work? Healing. Reconciliation. Freedom. Love. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Forgiveness. None of these things can happen by our own efforts. God knows I've tried.

What is my response? For now, it is to wait. Be still. But be present. And watch what God will do.

Amen, amen, and yes, and amen.

summary of a summary?

So much has been going on....can't write about everything. But I'm learning so much spiritually! I feel as if I'm experiencing God like I've never had before.

I'm still so fallen, and I am so aware of my strongholds.

But I'm also so aware of how God is so much bigger than all of that.

He is so amazing.

This morning, I feel as if I can hear Aslan’s voice saying to us over and over again, “Upward and inward! Upward and inward!” God can’t wait to show us what He has prepared for us. Heaven going to be so much more than we can ever imagine.

But this world....walking with God in this world....can be pretty amazing too.

Weird

I feel as if I'm only learning to know how my mind works now.

That's a strange thought to have.

Adventures ahead

Bought a new backpack!

Lifetime warranty!

Can't wait to hit the road!

Jan 2, back in the office

I wasn't very happy about coming back to the office on JANUARY SECOND and thinking about all the work that I have to do. But I came back to this email in my inbox, time-stampped at midnight, Jan 2:

Dear Dr. ___,

Hope you are having a wonderful winter vacation and a festive new years celebration. This is S____, and I recently graduated from ____  majoring in psychology and comparative literature. I took two of your courses in my senior year - C____. I was in Hong Kong for a few days a month ago for the graduation ceremony, and ran into you near the mtr station. As I briefly mentioned then, I recently got admitted to a few graduate schools in Korea, and am currently waiting for the military service to commence in a few months. I wanted to express my gratitude for everything you taught me through your courses last year, and for guiding me to become a better writer and scholar. You were one of my favorite teachers from ___, and I sincerely enjoyed all of your lectures and class discussions. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart, and best wishes to everything you do in 2018. Happy New Year!

Best Regards,

______