Highs and lows

 Some of my friends and I listed out our highs and lows from 2020. 

The number of highs on our lists were more than the lows.

Fear of pain

 This has been a season in the wilderness. I actually think it began a year and a half ago, ironically, when I felt like I had finally left Egypt. I remember the place and occasion when I had that thought, "Ah, I have left slavery and I'm standing outside the Promised Land."

And then I entered into a year and a half of testing like I've never experienced before. Like the Israelites, I hadn't realized that the miracle of the Red Sea would be followed by 40 years of wandering. (I do pray that this season won't last 40 literal years.)

But in this time, it is true that He has led me to oases for times of refreshment and rest. A year after thinking I had left Egypt, one person gave me the word, "Step out" and another, "What you have asked for has been granted." 

I am waiting for both these words to be fulfilled, but I do believe that in the spiritual realm, they have already been set into motion.

God is also very strategic. As I wrote testimony #11, He used it to unravel more. Pulling on one small knot can lead to the unravelling of other knots.

The next stage may not be easier, who knows? (God does, of course. That was a rhetorical question.) But in all things, God will lead me as a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night, and His presence will never depart from me. He will provide manna and quail.

And as I keep healing for past wounds, pain might become less fearsome. Like athletes who submits our bodies to training--micro-tears!--I will get stronger. I am already stronger. God will keep me from harm. 

(But still, I can't wait to get out of the wilderness.)

1 Chronicles 4:10

Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request.

 

💗

One more class, and Elijah House 201 will come to an end. Because of a resurgence in the virus, we will have our final class on zoom. Almost everyone voted to delay the graduation lunch to the fall when hopefully we will be able to gather together in person. It's been such a precious time, I'm glad we'll be able to see one another face to face again. 

The entire course is centered on connecting our hearts to the Father's heart. 

This is difficult to do because of the many things in our lives that have led us to protect our hearts using our own methods and by our own strength, none of which honor God or involve God. 

I'm starting to see--feel!--how my heart literally scrunches up in on itself when I feel hurt or scared. It has been so normal to me that I never noticed it before. A key teaching of the course is that we need to trust God to protect our hearts. 

Psalm 115:11 You who fear him, trust in the LORD— he is their help and shield.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.

Psalm 27:3 

This sounds easy and anyone who has been Christian for even a short time will be familiar with these promises. But within the first week of class, I realized how difficult it was, and can still be, for me to trust that God will be the one who protects my heart and that I don't have to be the one who does it.

Last night, my accountability group and I had the opportunity to pray for one of our members, and it was clear to me that she wasn't ready to let God protect her heart in a particular situation. When I saw her resolve to draw up walls around, I thought, "Oh, is that what it looks like? Is that what I look like when I don't give up my fears and wounds to Father God?"

Having experienced healing in some areas, I realized that it is so much better to let Father come into each room of my heart. But I also understand why the sister couldn't go there (yet). It can seem too frightening. 

EH calls this a sign of "unripe fruit," that is, an area that the person is not ready to relinquish. As prayer supporters, we don't go there because it isn't time yet and only the Holy Spirit knows when that time will be.

It's been interesting for me to note that there are areas in my life that I haven't relinquished either. In my head, it makes so much sense to say, "Yes, Lord, please do whatever You want with xyz in my life." But my heart tightens its death grip on those very areas. But at least now I can say this with honesty. I'm not sure why I can't let go and trust Father. Those are revelations that are for Father to reveal in good time. 

To trust God with our hearts ... in a way, that is also a way to put our hearts on the altar as Abraham did with Isaac. Isaac, the son of God's promise and Abraham's heart of hearts .... Abraham had to trust God with his dreams, his loves, his hopes, and everything that mattered in his life. Abraham had to say, "Okay, You've got this. I trust You. No matter what You decide, I'll be okay with it. I could be crushed by this, and I could hurt so much that I can't stand up again. But I'm going to trust that even if that happens, You are right and good."

And still....

Just thinking again today that God pursued me long before I ever thought to seek Him out. God is my future because He was everywhere in my past. Hannah! The answer to prayer that was set into motion twenty-one years ago!

Why do my hands still hold on to grubby, broken things when my Father wants to put His hand in mine?

Thankful that God is infinitely more patient than I am ....

New Year's Eve

Sitting at a cafe with Irene, Pauline, and Rebecca in Seoul waiting to countdown.

The last couple of months were super hard (family and work).

But God has shown up to heal and He has given me many promises.

Emancipation.
Open, wide road.

I don't like my situation right now but God knows what He's doing. As much as I don't like 2019, I will give thanks for my God who uses all things for my good.

My resolution always seems to be "trust."

Details, details, details

I checked with Kaz who ordered the orchids and she didn't understand the significance of the day the flowers were delivered. The girls didn't remember, but God did.

My wonderful, sensitive, kind, and tender Father who is never too early or too late.

#nancy
#hannah

District council elections aka the referendum on the protests

Yellow Wave. The people have spoken.

Nov 4, 2019

In one day, everything changed. 

things that are said

Colleague: Sign it, sign it! Come on!

Me: Nooo......

Also me: Don't read it!

Colleague: Don't read it?!!

Me: Well, you might find errors ....

#doneanddusted

God doesn't have a Plan B

There's always only been a Plan A

summary of a summary?

So much has been going on....can't write about everything. But I'm learning so much spiritually! I feel as if I'm experiencing God like I've never had before.

I'm still so fallen, and I am so aware of my strongholds.

But I'm also so aware of how God is so much bigger than all of that.

He is so amazing.

This morning, I feel as if I can hear Aslan’s voice saying to us over and over again, “Upward and inward! Upward and inward!” God can’t wait to show us what He has prepared for us. Heaven going to be so much more than we can ever imagine.

But this world....walking with God in this world....can be pretty amazing too.

I think this describes how I experienced the past twelve months:

Luke 12

29-32 “What I’m trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don’t be afraid of missing out. You’re my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself.

Weird

I feel as if I'm only learning to know how my mind works now.

That's a strange thought to have.

Good bye

I'm learning to not let fear control me. Fear can be a good signal, and we need it in life.

Without fear we might try to cross the street without checking for approaching traffic. Without fear, we might be careless about maintaining diving or mountaineering gear.

Fear can teach us a lot, and move us to appropriate action. But there's ungodly fear that places limits on the life God would have us live. The fear of losing a relationship might turn us into people pleasers rather than trusting God and his ways, for example. Or the fear of shame that leads us to hiding sin, legitimate needs, or hurts. Those fears need to go.

Perfect love drives out those kinds of fears.

Zechariah 8:13-16

 13 Just as you, Judah and Israel, have been a curse[a] among the nations, so I will save you, and you will be a blessing.[b] Do not be afraid, but let your hands be strong.”

14 This is what the Lord Almighty says: “Just as I had determined to bring disaster on you and showed no pity when your ancestors angered me,” says the Lord Almighty, 15 “so now I have determined to do good again to Jerusalem and Judah. Do not be afraid.

Zechariah 9:12

Return to your fortress, you prisoners of hope;
    even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you.

Claiming the promises of God.

Closing of a chapter

The Mellow Felons are officially coming to an end.

FL and SMS developed a space for generosity and rigor in a line of work that is not always very hospitable.

2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)

 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Being a kid for a bit

A few lessons from the year as it comes to a close:

-        It’s okay not to know how to do something. How I learned this?

o   Because mentors like T, Dav, and Chars stepped in to teach me stuff I didn’t know how to do, and I didn’t feel embarrassed or like I was a failure. It was okay not to know.

(Dav, in particular, is cheerleader extraordinaire.)

Isn't this a part of being a kid? Kids don't know how to do everything, but they can learn if they're taught.

-        It’s okay to be a kid. How I learned this?

o   Phi finding and organizing a discounted chicken dinner, or M bringing me along when she checks out a new sushi place.

o   Phi taking Heej and I around Tomorrowland, and us having fun despite our cynical academic selves. Heej really got into the ride where we had to shoot at targets. (But I got a higher score.)

o   Phi helping me unbuckle my seat belt at the Ironman ride.

I don’t need to always have it altogether or know everything. 

And it’s okay to take care of others because they will take care of themselves too. We just take turns doing it. It's not just one way.

Finally, thanks to Iv, whose VIP passes motivated Heej and I to play hooky. Oh, the delicious irony of teachers skipping out of work early to play during exams week.


Oh, and last thought: it mattered that we were physically acting like children. Our minds and bodies work together. I don't think I would have come to these realizations if I hadn't actually been playing. It's just like how the act of going to church on Sunday actually matters. God is not legalistic, but he did make us "whole," that is, with both our minds as well as our physical bodies and they work together. The Cartesian mind-body split diverts us from God's design.

redemption

There are days when I just want to look for a different job. Then there are moments of great generosity from senior colleagues at my institutions and at other institutions. The best moments of my job are when everyone, myself included, realizes that we are all always learning. All the time, and at every stage, and none of us can truly be happy in this profession if we don't keep this front and center. If everyone who plays a part in the university and its adjacent institutions realize this, we can all be much happier and more productive.

The next few months will be incredibly busy again. I'm so grateful for the people who have given their time, and for thinking carefully about everything that is at stake. I'm excited by what I can learn in the coming months. And terrified that I won't get to where I hope to get. Mostly, I'm humbled by all the support I've gotten in the past few months.

Living under grace. That's me. On so many levels.

What a life. What a journey.

chats

Had chats with some of the girls from my old home group yesterday, and this morning. My close friends here keep saying that I've changed a lot. I don't see it so much.....maybe a little. But they say it's very marked.

But you know, if I have changed, it is not only God's work, but God working through his church. He brought people very different from me into my life, and they accepted who I was. That gave me freedom to think about taking small steps. Without them, I probably wouldn't have.

Now I know just how important his church is.

The people God is bringing around me during this season--at work, friendships, and the church--are modeling kindness and gentleness by treating me kindly, and gently. But they also urge me and remind me to be kind and gentle with myself and others. You can't yell someone into kindness and gentleness. You can't demand that they become kinder and gentler. And you can't expect someone to become that. It's God's work, after all.