Spring Break comes to an end

This past week has been more or less miserable. I did very little work (great!), watched a lot of TVB on my laptop (that was fun, even if I feel incredibly guilty!) and basically took things easy because I came back from the Boston team tournament with a very bad cold.

Had a lot of fun in Boston watching (shivering under a blanket) and playing badminton, but it also made me wish badminton has been more of a part of my life. I just wish I could play better but learning to play well just takes so much discipline, work and time. That made me a little sad. And it made me wonder again why I'm even in a PhD program in the first place. Well, I'm always wondering that anyway, so nothing's new, I guess. And nothing's new about the fact that I don't have any answers yet!

I have one year left to go and I will finish the dissertation . . . I will! I'm so close!! But what do I want to do after that?? I don't know what I want out of life. I don't know what's important to me.

I miss home, I miss not having to think and constantly be on my guard when I'm at home. I'm a child again when I go home. But that's not exactly a "life goal." I'm getting more and more cynical about what I can do as a professor. I still enjoy teaching, but . . . I don't know.

I don't think I can work for an NGO because, well, I'm even more cynical about work like that! Journalism and publishing are out. I've always preferred to read rather than write. And right now, I'd just much rather not think. I'm running out of ambition and drive. And maybe that's why I'm feeling down . . . but I don't exactly want to keep going on ambition and drive. I'm tired. I'm tired of always having to be strong. I'm tired of always having to "do better" and to "go further." I'm tired of having to always prove myself.

People think I'm smart. I don't feel smart. People think I'm strong. I don't feel strong. People think I write well, and I've never felt like a good writer! Every good thing that I do, I do by accident! If I said or did something smart, it was an accident! A whim! Instinct at best! I've never consciously done something smart. It really drives me nuts because I feel like I'm expected to keep "succeeding" and I don't know how long this will last. And when I don't "succeed," then what happens?

This post is a moment of weakness, but these thoughts have been on my mind for a very long time now, and I guess I just wanted to share them with the few friends whom I know read this blog. :) Don't worry about me, I'll be okay. I just have to get this off my chest.

Oh, and don't ask me any questions either, I won't be able to answer them!

I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon to drive down to Maryland with Atsuko--we're visiting Dilkushi for the weekend! I'm hoping that being away from Cornell will give me some perspective. It's a 6-hr drive and we won't be back until late Sunday night, I hope.