things to think about

Last week, I officially recognized and celebrated the fact that I've been taking baby steps in my work! This week, I have to gather up my courage and do more of it.....But I know now that I can make some headway in work as long as they are baby steps and as long as I don't let fear shackle me down. I need to keep moving forward after a bit of rest.


Last week also showed how mistaken I was to assume that I've seen--and thus am no longer surprised by or have difficulty with--a lot of different kinds of relational troubles. Since this is a blog that only friends have access to, I feel like I can be a bit more up front about how I feel but sometimes I wonder how much of what I write counts as gossip too, so I'll try to be as general as possible without giving away this person's identity.

I stuff my foot in my mouth on a regular basis and I think I did that again this past weekend. When I asked the person I think I offended if there was anything wrong, he just said "Oh, I'm just tired." (No, this is not a romantic relationship but for reasons that will become clear, gender is important to this story.) To cut a long story short, I took him at his word at that point but as time passed, he was clearly sulking and acting in a passive aggressive manner, i.e. he wouldn't talk as he normally did and if i said anything, he gave monosyllabic answers.  This became especially clear in group conversations when he engaged others in the group but then looked tired or bored when I spoke. After awhile, I just ignored him and refused to speak to him until he spoke to me--and he did when he saw that I engaged others in conversation rather than him.

(Nota bene: I'm now very good at being self-sufficient in social situations. I wouldn't like to live on a desert island by myself but I suspect that I would find a way to live a happy and fulfilled life regardless.)

Hanging out with someone who acts in this way is really not much fun and I am quite convinced now after several observations that he acted that way because I had somehow hurt his fragile, little male ego. If I'm right, and I think I am, then I feel very sorry for my female friends who are married to men who don't know how to deal with conflict because I was around this guy for only a few hours and I was tired, upset, and hurt myself. I can't imagine being married to someone who treated me like this off and on and off and on again.

I know I was wrong to have been careless with my words and honestly, I do my very best to guard my tongue most of the time--which is why I avoid people when I'm tired and can no longer guard my tongue--and yes, I do have wrong ideas in my head still and will invariably act and speak in ways that are a reflection of those wrong ideas. But rather than have someone revert to passive aggressive behavior, I'd much prefer a gentle confrontation if possible, and if not, I'd even prefer a shouting match so that the issues are at least on the table. Right now, I can't even apologize for what I said because I'm not 100% sure that what I said is what's bugging him. (I also suspect that several other things happened that chipped away at his ego that afternoon so I am not wholly to blame, but I very much wish I could be certain.)

Well, when I was younger and wasn't as aware or in control of my emotional responses, I had the great luck of being surrounded by more mature people who loved me and didn't turn away from me even when I hurt them. It's payback time now. I shouldn't turn away from friendship with this guy and I can only hope that over time, things will get better. (No, I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with this guy but I honor and enjoy platonic friendships greatly.) In the meantime, I need to go brush up my skills at smiling vapidly and acting in a deferential manner. And if I can't do those things, I'll just act like the quiet, reserved, serious person that I sometimes am anyway.

I wish I had a better answer to this. And I hope to God that if I do get married, my husband would have learned a lot of conflict resolution skills. (Yes, I need to keep working on my own too!)