I didn't realize how much I missed just sitting around and chatting until today. That 3rd wave lockdown was brutal.

 

💗

One more class, and Elijah House 201 will come to an end. Because of a resurgence in the virus, we will have our final class on zoom. Almost everyone voted to delay the graduation lunch to the fall when hopefully we will be able to gather together in person. It's been such a precious time, I'm glad we'll be able to see one another face to face again. 

The entire course is centered on connecting our hearts to the Father's heart. 

This is difficult to do because of the many things in our lives that have led us to protect our hearts using our own methods and by our own strength, none of which honor God or involve God. 

I'm starting to see--feel!--how my heart literally scrunches up in on itself when I feel hurt or scared. It has been so normal to me that I never noticed it before. A key teaching of the course is that we need to trust God to protect our hearts. 

Psalm 115:11 You who fear him, trust in the LORD— he is their help and shield.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.

Psalm 27:3 

This sounds easy and anyone who has been Christian for even a short time will be familiar with these promises. But within the first week of class, I realized how difficult it was, and can still be, for me to trust that God will be the one who protects my heart and that I don't have to be the one who does it.

Last night, my accountability group and I had the opportunity to pray for one of our members, and it was clear to me that she wasn't ready to let God protect her heart in a particular situation. When I saw her resolve to draw up walls around, I thought, "Oh, is that what it looks like? Is that what I look like when I don't give up my fears and wounds to Father God?"

Having experienced healing in some areas, I realized that it is so much better to let Father come into each room of my heart. But I also understand why the sister couldn't go there (yet). It can seem too frightening. 

EH calls this a sign of "unripe fruit," that is, an area that the person is not ready to relinquish. As prayer supporters, we don't go there because it isn't time yet and only the Holy Spirit knows when that time will be.

It's been interesting for me to note that there are areas in my life that I haven't relinquished either. In my head, it makes so much sense to say, "Yes, Lord, please do whatever You want with xyz in my life." But my heart tightens its death grip on those very areas. But at least now I can say this with honesty. I'm not sure why I can't let go and trust Father. Those are revelations that are for Father to reveal in good time. 

To trust God with our hearts ... in a way, that is also a way to put our hearts on the altar as Abraham did with Isaac. Isaac, the son of God's promise and Abraham's heart of hearts .... Abraham had to trust God with his dreams, his loves, his hopes, and everything that mattered in his life. Abraham had to say, "Okay, You've got this. I trust You. No matter what You decide, I'll be okay with it. I could be crushed by this, and I could hurt so much that I can't stand up again. But I'm going to trust that even if that happens, You are right and good."

Also want to praise Father in this time! I am seeing in the current moment how God can use the gift of administration. Learning slowly. 

Yes, some things are very minor like scheduling and making sure everyone knows where to meet. But I am slowly realizing that even something as simple as “waiting patiently” is a powerful act of obedience to God. It is a gift I can give to Father who has all things and created all things, and in whom all things are made. 

Mind blowing. Truly.

Too funny

My journey has been a difficult one, but God has placed so many wonderful teachers and mentors in my path. So many.

Everyone is so happy for me.

Details, details, details

I checked with Kaz who ordered the orchids and she didn't understand the significance of the day the flowers were delivered. The girls didn't remember, but God did.

My wonderful, sensitive, kind, and tender Father who is never too early or too late.

#nancy
#hannah

God and his very, very mysterious ways

I've been struggling the last few days, and I asked God to speak to me in a special way because I felt distant from Him. I know it's not His fault, but I still felt quite upset and sad. This morning, I received this email. The person who wrote it was an admissions officer at my college and was one of the first two people to welcome me to campus and make me feel better during my first horrible 9 months. Because he was so impressed with my badminton, he introduced me to the squash coach who taught me how to play squash and then put me on the varsity team. I traveled to many different New England colleges to play for the team and that's how I visited many parts of the East Coast (for free!). I remember the conversation in the computer lab that he described, but I don't remember writing the email at all. God set up the different pieces of the puzzle a little over twenty years ago so that He could give me some encouragement today. He has really set the bar high for my future expectations!

This came late, but it couldn't have been more timely.

When others grow

I was chatting with a friend and she said today that when we wrestle with God, He gives us understanding and reveals His character. I thought that was a wonderful description of walking in faith.

2 years and 5 months ago ....

I didn't know it was possible to feel this happy.

Truth.

JC Ryle on the wise men and faith

“The conduct of the wise men is a striking example of faith. They believed in Christ when they had never seen Him – but that was not all. They believed in Him when the Scribes and Pharisees were unbelieving – but that again was not all. They believed in Him when they saw Him a little infant on Mary’s knee, and worshiped Him as a king. This was the crowning point of their faith. They saw no miracles to convince them. They heard no teaching to persuade them. They beheld no signs of divinity and greatness to overawe them. They saw nothing but a new-born infant, helpless and weak, and needing a mother’s care like any one of ourselves. And yet when they saw that infant, they believed that they saw the divine Savior of the world. ‘They fell down and worshiped Him.’

We read of no greater faith than this in the whole volume of the Bible. It is a faith that deserves to be placed side by side with that of the penitent thief. The thief saw one dying the death of a criminal, and yet prayed to Him and ‘called Him Lord.’ The wise men saw a new-born babe on the lap of a poor woman, and yet worshiped Him and confessed that He was Christ. Blessed indeed are those that can believe in this fashion!”

summary of a summary?

So much has been going on....can't write about everything. But I'm learning so much spiritually! I feel as if I'm experiencing God like I've never had before.

I'm still so fallen, and I am so aware of my strongholds.

But I'm also so aware of how God is so much bigger than all of that.

He is so amazing.

This morning, I feel as if I can hear Aslan’s voice saying to us over and over again, “Upward and inward! Upward and inward!” God can’t wait to show us what He has prepared for us. Heaven going to be so much more than we can ever imagine.

But this world....walking with God in this world....can be pretty amazing too.

Handel's messiah

Cny candy

I felt gypped because there were only two gummy candies in the tin. I thought it was a big box of mints. But I guess I paid 7hkd for the tin.

CNY

I was supposed to stay in town so I could get work done. But all I seem to be doing is sleeping, eating, and watching TV. In the office this afternoon on the first day, but haven't done anything yet. Okay, just two hours, then I get to go home. Only two hours!!

so far so good

Good news in the family.

Rest, and renewal of old friendships. I learn so much from talking to my old friends, and learning about their lives, loves, and challenges. I must remind myself to make time to meet with people.

Came back to a hassle-free mandatory window inspection (no repairs necessary, only 600$!).

Visited my dermatologist who said I'll probably only need to be on Accutane for three months.


2016 is starting off very, very well. Praise God. The upcoming year may turn out to be hard, but it's great to start off well, and to be reminded that our God is a very, very good God.

surprises

Someone who I thought was an enemy at work turned out to be really supportive at a meeting yesterday, and I think she may be wondering why I haven't sought her out earlier. I explained that I try not to impose too much on any one person's time. We may see the world in very different ways and don't really understand one another well, but in her own way, she wants to be supportive and kind.

My boss has also been extremely supportive and kind, and that's a really wonderful experience to have. So while I did start of the week with a loss--I've never broken a racket before--things are looking up. It's nice to have an upward trend. But I really should be more focused at work too. Oh, August.

goodbye, summer

Last Saturday, I went for my church's annual junk boat trip, and it will probably be the last junk boat trip for the season. I love lounging around on the upper deck as we slowly make our way to the chosen bay for the day. Depending on the boat and the destination, the journey can take up to anywhere between 20 mins to an hour. Our boat last weekend was super slow but it was nice to be able to stare up at the sky and enjoy the breeze as we made our way to Clearwater Bay.

We had a catered lunch onboard and that was really unbelievably mediocre in a city where good food can be gotten on the cheap. We had two speedboats that allowed us to wakeboard or go on the banana-boat, and we also had a ton of floaties and noodles so people could relax on the water. I didn't try wakeboarding this time because my shoulder is feeling quite stiff still and I don't want to risk an injury. I went on the banana-boat with two guys and I think we were not very balanced on it and tumbled off in under 10 seconds. My friend who sat in the speedboat said that he could see me bouncing up and down in the front and that perhaps I should've sat in the back and let the heavier guys sit in the front. Well, we'll see how it goes next summer!

The water was really clear that day and we were afraid it would rain but thankfully, the weather was sunny and breezy. I think I hurt my neck a little but overall, I had a really wonderful, wonderful time. No pictures from me because I didn't want to bring my camera to a 50-person trip where I knew very few of the people. Some of the organizers had cameras and I hope they'll share them with us soon!

clearing my head

Every now and then, I fall into despondency, and even though my life is going very well now, it still seems meaningless. Hey, I got tickets to Linsanity! My bosses treat me well and are supportive. Most of my colleagues are also supportive and I have job security for a few years. My family is doing well. HK is relatively safe and peaceful. The air in my new office makes me ill but that should change in a few weeks. (Hopefully.) So why do I keep feeling like there's nothing to life?

I learned last weekend that when I get this way, the best thing I can do is give thanks for the people who have chosen to call me a friend. I'm always in awe of how amazing they are, and how wonderful they choose to be even when I'm sometimes such a shithead. I love it when a friend from far away drops me a line. Or when someone responds to a Facebook post, or tags me in an old picture. I love hearing about my friends' lives when they can find time to tell me a few stories. I love hearing about people's work, and what they're learning in their work. I love it when friends take the time to be kind and do me favors even if I feel a little bad about receiving those favors. (I need to figure out how to treat them kindly too!)

Here in HK, I'm mostly meeting Cantonese people, obviously, but I'm also meeting a lot of Cantonese people who have lived elsewhere for many years, and they have led such different kinds of lives. I'm meeting people who make to me what seems to be unusual kinds of life-decisions, and I'm learning to respect them. Sometimes, I'm perplexed by how they see the world but it's really fun trying to figure it all out! What gives them pleasure? Why do they live? Why do they work? What do they look for in their friendships? I'm really amazed by how kind everyone is. They make my life fun.

thankful

I am happy. That is all.

2012

Traveling has always taught me a lot. I continually have to learn to deal with the visceral responses of being in an airport or sitting in a plane. Those emotions have become easier to live with, certainly, but they are still never easy. Once I leave the airport, I feel a lot more normal regardless of where I am, and I'm thankful for that.

I was jet lagged so I fell asleep long before midnight although I woke up for a bit when the neighborhood celebrated the turn from one year to the next. Reflections? I'm not sure I have the time and energy to reflect on 2011, but here are brief thoughts:

1. I started to feel more at home in HK, and being here on my trip has underscored how settled I feel in HK now. I do enjoy being here but I know I will be glad to be back in HK.

2. I miss my friends. I can't count the number of times that thought ran through my mind last year.

3. I value hospitality because I have so often been blessed by others in this area! As I type this, I'm in Friend J's little New York apt (not as little as HK's of course), and I'm so thankful that she took me in at the last minute (literally) because of complications with my travel plans. Friend J is not a Christian, and while some Christians--though not all--have been exemplary models of hospitality, I am equally amazed by the generosity of my non-Christian friends. I really hope I can bless others in this area too.

4. Work continues to be a difficult and contentious area of my life....and as I am finding out, in the lives of my friends too. God has been gracious and has sustained me this year; He has given me manna for my days. But I continue to associate work with anxiety, turmoil, and trouble.

5. This leads me to my one new year's resolution: that I would trust God more.

Ps - after my trip is over and when I have more time (haha), I'd like to sketch out portraits of the people I've met during this trip. Friendship truly has been one of the greatest blessings of my life.

writer's block again

I have two papers to present in January and I haven't started writing either paper! I do have outlines for both now, thankfully, but I have to write write write or risk public humiliation. I don't have anything in cold storage that I can cut and paste this time. This is so painful.

But on a happy note, I think I might have a professional opportunity that will improve the look of my CV--someone at a major research university asked me to be part of their new working group that they're trying to set up. Too bad nothing's confirmed and I can't advertise the fact to potential employers, hah! This is Christmas manna from the sky. I wouldn't have been able to do anything on my own to get this little piece of cake icing on my plate. If this goes through, it will be fun for me to be part of an international working group that includes a couple of senior profs whose work I like and respect. Is this amazing or is this amazing?