Ezcema that curse

Someone recommended neem oil for the itch. It smells like a sewer full of rotten garlic.

Sixth day of oral steroids anyway. But maybe tonight I can skip the antihistamines....

What a week

It's been a dramatic week.

Met with my new counselor to work on stress management. She's really good and I learned a lot in our session.

Met with a new dermatologist who says my eczema is not "simple" eczema, and is a "rather severe allergic reaction." We'll be looking at blood work and after the symptoms are addressed, I may have to consider patch testing in the future. But the great news is that oral and topical steroids are alleviating a lot of the torment I've been living with for the past 3-4 weeks. Who needs fancy bio-weapons when you can just induce immune-related disorders?

Working with my ms workshop director who thinks a re-orientation of the project will work better. I agree with her, but now I'm looking at substantial work over the next few months. But wow, she's so amazing....I'm a fangirl all over again. Seriously, how are these women (and some men) so wonderful, kind, and smart?

And I have dinner and a play to go to tomorrow night. Fun alongside what seems to be a never-ending grind.

So yeah, it's been dramatic. Despair. Pain. Hopelessness. Frustration. Insight. Healing. Friendship. Mentoring. Courage. Fun.

All in less than seven days....maybe there's reason to believe in young earth theology, after all.

so close, so close

For the first time since my injury, I ran on court last night. I'm still not 100% back to normal, but I'm a lot closer now. That alone, despite insomnia and despite being unproductive in the office today (I really hate working on Saturdays now!!!), I feel so happy. Being able to run really makes a difference. Endorphins, welcome back. You have been greatly missed.

a body at rest will stay at rest....

I think I've gotten far too used to resting these days. The last couple of weeks were extremely busy and I didn't have either the strength or the head space to get my leg muscles closer to normal, but I really should try to get going again now. My lungs and muscles need some pushing.

Loved the sermon by Pastor Albert today. I didn't know he'd been struggling with an illness for the past nine months. He didn't say what it was but it sounds like he's doing better. It was something to hear about suffering from one of our pastors who has gone through suffering recently. Romans 5:3-5 is meaningful only when invoked by those who know what suffering means. (Please, people who don't know what it means to be in pain, just shut up.)

3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

A sprained knee is not much (it hurt a lot though), and three months' rest really isn't much in light of much greater sufferings. I am so thankful I didn't have to struggle with more than that. And I'm very thankful that I think I'm starting to see how God is redeeming that time. It was a "waste" insofar as my body hasn't been getting stronger, and I haven't been able to work on my badminton. But I'm realizing that being in pain gave me a lot of practice at being weak.

God decided I needed to be familiar with weakness: to know how it feels, to learn to come to terms with feeling weak, and in feeling weak, to not feel afraid or threatened or anything else but loved by God. And I probably wouldn't have gone back to counseling if I had still been able to deal with stress by sweating it out. (Pastor Albert made a pitch for counseling from the pulpit too; physical pain really can cause a great deal of stress! Even among pastors!)

I can't explain how the verse in 2 Corinthians, how God's strength is made perfect in our weakness, is "true" in a rational, logical manner. But my body knows that to be true now in a visceral way. 

There is no rejoicing over illness and actual physical brokenness. That is not of God's design and can produce no happiness, pleasure, or even the so-called Christian "joy." But I can find joy in how God was there, and is here. Some people will never understand on this side of heaven why they go through certain challenges. 

I'm thankful I can see some reason in this season that is finally coming to an end. It's still a long hard slog ahead to get back to "normal" as far as my body goes. But God is good, and he does love me.

people skills

Went to group practice again last night, and Coach spent most of the night yelling at me for favoring my left leg. I didn't even know I was doing that and thought I was walking normally. He's really a pretty good coach. Again, he tried to get me to move a little more than I was willing to do, and he pointed out that I didn't seem to feel any pain, and I had to agree.

I think he was afraid that I would give up on badminton if I don't re-build my muscles and remained fearful of pain. He was right, the thought had crossed my mind, and he was right again, that thought left my mind when I watched others play.

Coach can be a little scary sometimes. In some ways, he may even know me better than my own mom.

getting close, but not quite

It's been six weeks and counting. I will be joining the group lesson tonight but will not move. I'll just hit from one spot. My coach is really sweet to invite me over and let me practice a little. He says won't let me do too much even if I want to. I've rested a lot in the past six weeks, but I'm constantly tired too. I've missed exercise, but my body hasn't been up for it either.

The knee gets a little better almost every day, but it's remarkable how LONG this is taking, and how it is still sore. I will never take my body for granted again.

So I'm praising God even if I don't feel like it. And when I do, strangely enough, sometimes I actually begin to feel like praising Him.

But God shouldn't go around thinking that I enjoy this season, because I don't. I'm watching so much TV my eyes are turning square. Still, it's useful because it does interrupt my meditations on the fragility of the human body.


But we pray, knowing that God is able.
And we trust, knowing that He is good.

Season of small mercies

Sprained my knee on April 19, so it has been almost five weeks to the day. I walked uphill to work this morning with almost zero pain, but it does still feel awkward. Almost as if my knee is out of place. There's still some clicking when I walk. But I'm thankful that the pain has been reduced greatly over the weekend.

Not pleased about missing basically all of dragon boat season now. Even if I can start exercising again next week, I can't possibly race in June.

The last five weeks have been very hard. The only thing I can look forward to now is hoping that I'll be able to get back to court in the very near future. I'll see the Alternative Doctor again this Friday.

Things I've learned:

- when you have a traumatic injury to a joint that you use all the time, "rest" is not at all restful.

- fish soup.....fish soup is healing and I wish I had started drinking earlier than the 4th week of injury.

- strangers can be very kind and very considerate.

- but there are some who just don't give a shit and will walk very fast close to you, cane or no cane.

- taxi drivers and minibus drivers in HK need serious counseling. They should be made to pass a mental health exam before being allowed to drive.

- friends are great to have, but I'm learning that some friends aren't very good at being empathetic. In facts, some are just downright terrible at it. Sigh.

- I'm going to start with calcium supplements. And add more veggies and nuts to my diet.

- I love badminton.

mishaps and aging

Slipped on a wet surface and sprained my knee last Tuesday night. Sent to the ER, or A and E, the next morning. Been focused on pain management since then. Back in the office for the first time as walking really, really hurts. To be precise, hobbling really hurts. Finally feeling hopeful today and hope to make it to the alternative doctor tomorrow for more help.

Do not slip on wet surfaces.

Sprains hurt like hell and they take forever and a day to get better.

lemon balm

If you're a woman who is looking for a powerful herb that actually helps ease one's monthly agonies, try lemon balm. I've used it in teas twice now and it does help. I'm very glad I found it, and while my plant is barely surviving now, the herb is reportedly easy to grow.

The black thumb strikes again.

half the battle won

Figured out that my new shoes were the problem. I started wearing them the same day I played my first badminton game and I finally figured out a week later that the shoes were responsible for the pain I was feeling in my ankles, knees, and iliotibial band. I don't have arch support in my left shoe and I make sure I have plenty of arch support in my right shoe. My ankle is still tight now but otherwise, my right leg feels pretty great. Played badminton yesterday and I did better than I could imagine. There is no pain anywhere this morning too!

My only trouble now is with my shoulder. My friend says I'm tensing up too much and too early when I lift my arm. I didn't even tell him my shoulder was hurting, but when he hit with me, he noticed the problem with my form. It will be extremely difficult to change this habit though because I have a complex about how hard I can hit. I really hope I make a breakthrough though because now my legs are doing great on court!

breaking news

Before my knee injury, I never would have imagined quitting badminton. When I started my treatment, not being able to play was depressing and I did not know what to do with myself. Now, I am even thinking of quitting altogether. Why put my body through that kind of pain again? Why go through the slow rehabilitation when I don't even know how well I can eventually play? To what end?

Yes, I can't believe these thoughts are even running through my head.

----

Update


But I'm going to try again anyway. Badminton this Sunday evening.

okay, fine

Last night, I tried some of the exercises from this website on sports injury rehabilitation, and my body seems to be responding well. Some of the exercises are boring, but some of them are very, very good. "The Clam" is my favorite.

reflections on the alternative treatment

There are days when I think my alternative doctor is a charlatan, and there are days when I think he is a genius. I usually think he's a charlatan when I start exercising and certain muscles get sore or tight. And I usually think he is a genius when I follow his orders to cease and desist from exercise.

My body feels so much looser, relaxed, and just plain good now. I can't help but want to go out there and swim, run, or play! But my therapists (the doctor and his assistants/students) keep telling me, don't do that or you're going to hurt again! I guess they're right, but didn't I get this treatment so that I can exercise? Isn't exercise the goal?? (Being able to exercise might be my goal, but I don't think it's theirs, haha!)

My experience has been very good, but also frustrating because my Cantonese really isn't that good, and their English isn't very good either. I can't obey orders if I don't know why they're giving them! Okay, fine, I now understand that if I exercise now, I'll start to hurt. But how long do I have to wait? What can I do to speed up the healing process?? Yesterday, after my shoulders and jaw started to get tight again because I went swimming this past weekend, one of the assistants said, "Think about it this way. We're doing our best to help your body regenerate, especially in the area of your neck, but you are using your neck more than it can regenerate itself so that's why it started to hurt again." I don't quite understand what it is exactly that needs regenerating, but I suppose there is some kind of logic there even if I don't understand it. So now I'm not allowed to swim until my neck gets stronger.

Doesn't all this seem counter-intuitive to Western science that says the more you exercise a muscle, the stronger it gets? This alternative center says that because your body is not aligned and not strong enough yet, exercising those muscles will cause your blood circulation to be blocked and that will then lead to pain/injury.

So, yes, I'm frustrated, but I can't deny that I'm feeling a lot better than I've had in years. I no longer need sleeping aids. I'm breathing more deeply than I ever have. The tightness in my right shoulder is gone. And my knees no longer hurt or feel stiff when I go up and down stairs.

But this whole process requires patience that I don't quite have.

light at the end of the tunnel

Last Thurs, my alt doc told me I could try light exercise, but there's a chance that I would feel pain again. I had a busy weekend, so I didn't get to go to the gym on Monday, and I guess the doc will tell me this Thurs if I'm good to go, but so far, I'm feeling good! My knees start to feel tight if I stand for a long time, but they seem to have held up after Monday's light work out on the bike and the mat. Today, I'm going to go for an easy swim.

Also glad that I found this website on stretches! My doc told me that I cannot skip out on stretching, and that I should hold each muscle for at least 2 minutes. This means my warm-up and cool down will take about 30 mins each. Yeap, I'm glad I'm single and don't have kids!!

I got back in touch with a friend I met in one of my earlier clubs, and he says he'll take me to one of his clubs where I'll meet a lot of other good players. Very excited and I can't wait, and I hope I can start working out for real again very soon!!