Fear of pain

 This has been a season in the wilderness. I actually think it began a year and a half ago, ironically, when I felt like I had finally left Egypt. I remember the place and occasion when I had that thought, "Ah, I have left slavery and I'm standing outside the Promised Land."

And then I entered into a year and a half of testing like I've never experienced before. Like the Israelites, I hadn't realized that the miracle of the Red Sea would be followed by 40 years of wandering. (I do pray that this season won't last 40 literal years.)

But in this time, it is true that He has led me to oases for times of refreshment and rest. A year after thinking I had left Egypt, one person gave me the word, "Step out" and another, "What you have asked for has been granted." 

I am waiting for both these words to be fulfilled, but I do believe that in the spiritual realm, they have already been set into motion.

God is also very strategic. As I wrote testimony #11, He used it to unravel more. Pulling on one small knot can lead to the unravelling of other knots.

The next stage may not be easier, who knows? (God does, of course. That was a rhetorical question.) But in all things, God will lead me as a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night, and His presence will never depart from me. He will provide manna and quail.

And as I keep healing for past wounds, pain might become less fearsome. Like athletes who submits our bodies to training--micro-tears!--I will get stronger. I am already stronger. God will keep me from harm. 

(But still, I can't wait to get out of the wilderness.)

1 Chronicles 4:10

Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request.

 

Lesson of the year: Do not judge

This morning, God revealed another judgment that I had made of a semi-stranger years and years ago. And today, I found out that I was wrong. I formed my judgment of him based on rumors--some of them probably true--but God showed me in a big way that I don't always see the whole picture. When I don't see the whole picture, I absolutely have no right to judge.

God is persistent. It's unbelievable that this person, C, reached out after all these years for a favor, not for himself, but for someone else who reminds me of myself in some ways. 

God has a way of bringing us to our knees. 

"Do not judge" has been a lesson that God has been teaching me for the past 11 months.

 

Interesting. E__ from CG just sent me this devotional from Pastor Albert. 5 years ago, I probably wouldn’t have been friends with the people from my CG. But today, God used one of them to encourage me. It would not have been possible without the journeys that He has brought all of us on, and yes, all of journeys have involved suffering and unanswered prayers as well as answered prayers:

Day 09: Don't Waste your Waiting

Reading: Acts 8

 

What does it look like when you are thrown into a situation you don't expect and don't like?

 Meet Philip!

 Well, you met Philip before. He was one of the seven men chosen to help the widows in Acts 6.

 Philip was a Greek-speaking Jew. He was probably born and raised "overseas," far enough from Jerusalem that he spoke Greek well.

 Philip was both godly and competent. The Bible describes him as "full of the Spirit and wisdom." (6:3) People like him have a unique "competitive edge". He could be pretty successful in this society.

 However, out of no fault of his own, he was thrown into chaos. A mega-persecution broke out in Jerusalem where he lived and worked. Just overnight, he was forced to leave! He was "scattered". (8:1) Jobless and homeless.

 Philip could justifiably file his complaint!

 "God, I lived my life properly and I served you and the poor well. Why do you treat me like this?"

 

1. Every moment is a sacred moment

 No! Philip didn't complain. He knew that every moment is a sacred moment, even the moments that we don't like. God can use any moment to achieve His purpose.

 The circumstance that we want to pray away so badly is probably the exact circumstance that God wants to use to shape us.

 It is only under the most extreme heat that you can mould the most precious metal. Used properly, heat is your friend.

 So, what did Philip do?

 

2. Do the Next Right Thing

 (Remember the sermon Pastor Eric preached a few weeks ago?)

 Philip fled Jerusalem, travelled North to Samaria. He had no idea what was going to happen next, but he focused on doing the next right thing he knew. He kept doing his ministry, healed the sick, drove out evil spirits, and even brought a sorcerer to Christ!

 He didn't wait for things to "get back to normal" again.

 Then, while he was doing a good job in Samaria, God suddenly interrupted his life again. Philip travelled down south, where he met an Ethiopian eunuch!

 Ladies and Gentlemen! This is the beginning point of Christianity in Ethiopia!

 Who would imagine that this can happen while you are "in between normals"?

 My friend, you will never know what the next right thing will lead you! Be faithful!

 

3. Don't Waste your Waiting

 Over the years I have learned an important spiritual principle.

 Regardless of where God is putting you right now, He has something for you to do, and something for you to learn. God always wants you to contribute in some areas, and grow in other areas.

 Don't waste your waiting. Be faithful. Learn the things that God wants you to learn, and finish the assignments that God has given you. This is how you get ready for the "new normal" to come.

 Don't focus on what you like or don't like, it's irrelevant. Those "don't like" are probably more important than you would like to admit.

 

Reflection:

 As you reflect on God's guidance in your life, where do you think God is asking you to contribute? And What do you think God is asking you to learn?

 

Prayer for Today:

 Dear God,

 I find it hard to stay in this confusing time of "in between normals." But I acknowledge that you have a plan for me. I will learn to be patient. God, I open my heart to your guidance. Please help me discern where you want me to serve, and also where I need to grow. I want to become the person you want me to be, so that I will be ready for the "new normal" when the right time comes.

 

In Jesus' name. Amen.

💗

One more class, and Elijah House 201 will come to an end. Because of a resurgence in the virus, we will have our final class on zoom. Almost everyone voted to delay the graduation lunch to the fall when hopefully we will be able to gather together in person. It's been such a precious time, I'm glad we'll be able to see one another face to face again. 

The entire course is centered on connecting our hearts to the Father's heart. 

This is difficult to do because of the many things in our lives that have led us to protect our hearts using our own methods and by our own strength, none of which honor God or involve God. 

I'm starting to see--feel!--how my heart literally scrunches up in on itself when I feel hurt or scared. It has been so normal to me that I never noticed it before. A key teaching of the course is that we need to trust God to protect our hearts. 

Psalm 115:11 You who fear him, trust in the LORD— he is their help and shield.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.

Psalm 27:3 

This sounds easy and anyone who has been Christian for even a short time will be familiar with these promises. But within the first week of class, I realized how difficult it was, and can still be, for me to trust that God will be the one who protects my heart and that I don't have to be the one who does it.

Last night, my accountability group and I had the opportunity to pray for one of our members, and it was clear to me that she wasn't ready to let God protect her heart in a particular situation. When I saw her resolve to draw up walls around, I thought, "Oh, is that what it looks like? Is that what I look like when I don't give up my fears and wounds to Father God?"

Having experienced healing in some areas, I realized that it is so much better to let Father come into each room of my heart. But I also understand why the sister couldn't go there (yet). It can seem too frightening. 

EH calls this a sign of "unripe fruit," that is, an area that the person is not ready to relinquish. As prayer supporters, we don't go there because it isn't time yet and only the Holy Spirit knows when that time will be.

It's been interesting for me to note that there are areas in my life that I haven't relinquished either. In my head, it makes so much sense to say, "Yes, Lord, please do whatever You want with xyz in my life." But my heart tightens its death grip on those very areas. But at least now I can say this with honesty. I'm not sure why I can't let go and trust Father. Those are revelations that are for Father to reveal in good time. 

To trust God with our hearts ... in a way, that is also a way to put our hearts on the altar as Abraham did with Isaac. Isaac, the son of God's promise and Abraham's heart of hearts .... Abraham had to trust God with his dreams, his loves, his hopes, and everything that mattered in his life. Abraham had to say, "Okay, You've got this. I trust You. No matter what You decide, I'll be okay with it. I could be crushed by this, and I could hurt so much that I can't stand up again. But I'm going to trust that even if that happens, You are right and good."

For a lifetime

To honor is to give weight, or to value.

It doesn't mean we ignore the sin or hurt. We bring those to the cross and ask Father to deal with it. 

But the other side of the cross is resurrection life and that is the new life we are called to. We bless even our enemies. What God created them to be is somewhere there under everything that is horrible. We can pray resurrection prayers over them.

These are prayers not for our sake, but theirs. "Lord, help them be who You made them to be." 

Devotions

I've been making my way through Isaiah daily. Father God has strong feelings for His children! And He also allows His children to feel strong feelings for Him. 

Isaiah 63: 7-9

7-9 I’ll make a list of God’s gracious dealings,
    all the things God has done that need praising,
All the generous bounties of God,
    his great goodness to the family of Israel—
Compassion lavished,
    love extravagant.
He said, “Without question these are my people,
    children who would never betray me.”
So he became their Savior.
    In all their troubles,
    he was troubled, too.
He didn’t send someone else to help them.
    He did it himself, in person.
Out of his own love and pity
    he redeemed them.
He rescued them and carried them along
    for a long, long time.

Isaiah 63: 11-16

11-14 Then they remembered the old days,
    the days of Moses, God’s servant:
“Where is he who brought the shepherds of his flock
    up and out of the sea?
And what happened to the One who set
    his Holy Spirit within them?
Who linked his arm with Moses’ right arm,
    divided the waters before them,
Making him famous ever after,
    and led them through the muddy abyss
    as surefooted as horses on hard, level ground?
Like a herd of cattle led to pasture,
    the Spirit of God gave them rest.”

14-16 That’s how you led your people!
    That’s how you became so famous!
Look down from heaven, look at us!
    Look out the window of your holy and magnificent house!
Whatever happened to your passion,
    your famous mighty acts,
Your heartfelt pity, your compassion?
    Why are you holding back?
You are our Father.
    Abraham and Israel are long dead.
    They wouldn’t know us from Adam.
But you’re our living Father,
    our Redeemer, famous from eternity!

sacrifice of praise

Yesterday, one of the sisters from my accountability group encouraged me to praise God. In the past, I had heard it before but somehow I missed the "why" so the injunction to "just praise God" came across as ritualistic and made me feel like I was lighting joss sticks again.

But last night, R's why stuck. We praise because it's an act of trust that breaks chains even when we don't know what the source of those chains is.

Then I realized finally that when we praise God, we enter into His presence and nothing can stand before Him. It's a simple truth that is easy to grasp intellectually. But it's only when we are suffering that the experience of this truth becomes real. Step into the presence of God--one step from suffering into His glory--and everything calms down. 

Would you believe it

I once witnessed with my own eyes how a lady was told by a stranger what she did in secret. A stranger who prayed for her said, "You have been going to fortune tellers. Please stop." She burst out crying and said, "I thought if I didn't tell anyone, no one would know." After I saw that, I thought, "This lady is going to have super-faith for sure." But it's not true. Three to four years later, she's still struggling to trust God to meet her needs.

And the funny thing is, I saw it with my own eyes, and I too struggle to believe that God will meet my needs! I can just imagine Jesus shaking His head at me. Smiling, but shaking His head.

"You saw that with Your own eyes, so why don't you have super faith??!"

Prayer in a time of coronavirus

Father, the future looks uncertain to the world. Even tomorrow looks uncertain. But we PRAISE you that because of YOU the future is absolutely certain! You never change, your Word and your purpose stand! Lord, use this time to shine your Light into the darkness of the hearts of the world.  Humble our hearts, every people and nation, to our knees in repentance, to cry out to you for mercy, to seek You and find You and walk with You in intimacy and unity of your body.  Thank you Father that You hear our prayers when our hearts are turned to you! 
We do no want to return to the “normal” way of the world... through this time we want to step into the new thing you are doing and the normal way of Your Kingdom here on earth as it is in Heaven!

- C from LB1

Also want to praise Father in this time! I am seeing in the current moment how God can use the gift of administration. Learning slowly. 

Yes, some things are very minor like scheduling and making sure everyone knows where to meet. But I am slowly realizing that even something as simple as “waiting patiently” is a powerful act of obedience to God. It is a gift I can give to Father who has all things and created all things, and in whom all things are made. 

Mind blowing. Truly.

My toddler niece carried her mom's phone to show me the kitchen on video call (I never saw it though). As she was walking she whispered to herself, "我的English不好," and it broke my heart. 

Father, hear my cry. 

And still....

Just thinking again today that God pursued me long before I ever thought to seek Him out. God is my future because He was everywhere in my past. Hannah! The answer to prayer that was set into motion twenty-one years ago!

Why do my hands still hold on to grubby, broken things when my Father wants to put His hand in mine?

Thankful that God is infinitely more patient than I am ....

the thing with God

I was just thinking that despite all the trials for the past few months, I can't complain too much because God has given me a lot of what I have said is my "treasure," that is, to be able to learn. God has a sense of humor. In the last few months, He has taught me a great deal. Despite the pain, there has been a great deal of pleasure too.

I need to be careful what I ask for. He takes us at our words.

The best story ever told

In times of struggle--and even in the best of times--our hearts long to hear the gospel story again and again. The story of God pursuing us, even to the point of death.

#coronavirus

Keeping Track

It's interesting to note now that I'm back to "normal" life, i.e. not having people constantly around me and not having to get on buses, trains, or navigate strange streets that God has been changing things. He hasn't changed things on the outside, but I feel a change on the inside.

Compared to previous experiences, I feel so much more peace and rest even if I did go through periods of mourning, grief, and wrestling. I might still go through future bouts of grief and wrestling, but I know with so much certainty that God is working things out in the unseen. This certainty was never available to me before.

God gave me words of encouragement from C and non-C in my life, and confirmed multiple times that I only need to be still and that He is the one who fights my battle.

My challenge this year: break the habit of looking ahead and "needing" to know what is coming up. 

This is a tough one. It's something I've always done and "needed."

Gosh. 

Psalm 37:7 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!

Other contexts

I didn't realize how wound up I am until I got here, back in a different context, and among friends whose lives are different from mine.

Why am I so wound up inside when I know God who created the stars, the seas, and everything in between is on my side?

Reading the Word calms my insides like nothing else does. Father's words are truly living and active.

And yet again!

As a follow-up to the previous post where two different people sent me verses from Proverbs 3 and Psalm 37, God sent a THIRD person who gave me verses from Proverbs 3 and Psalm 37 again. And Romans 12:12 for good measure.

Thankful for the body of Christ, and for a Father who delights in speaking and encouraging. If I don't trust God, I would be turning my back on Him.

12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

I want to hear from the Lord so I can bless others too!!

Why am I always receiving??

Hearing

I've been concerned about not hearing from God, and told Him about it when I was brushing my teeth. God spoke through two others even before I woke up.

I woke up about 7ish, and worried for two hours that everything I’ve done in the past was a waste of time. I finally got up to brush my teeth, and I prayed, “Lord, I’m afraid I won’t be able to hear from You, not because You don’t speak but because I can’t hear so You’ll have to be very, very clear.”

After I brushed my teeth, I checked email and saw emails from two different friends. Friend 1 said, “This is very odd, but I think this is for you.” It was a devotional she was reading, and the message was more or less, “Nothing is wasted. In the midst of trials, God is doing something in you, and not just for you.” 

Friend 2 said that he was meditating on Ecclesiastes, and thought of me. This is what he wrote:

“I pray that God guards you against thinking of your efforts there as meaningless. They weren't, because I trust they were done in obedience. I pray that God will lead you to take the next step, whatever it is, in joyful obedience.”

Friend 2's email was sent at 1am, and Friend 1's email at 12:10am. God knew that I would be worrying about this for two hours after I woke up, and he knew the request on my heart when I brushed my teeth. 

So, He decided to set up His answer to me a few hours before while I was still asleep.

Neither friend is in the habit of sending me their devotionals, and neither friend has their spiritual eyes fully opened.

However, that's not all. Here are my sermon notes from yesterday on the Christmas story. I thought it spoke to me powerfully. 

Genesis 12: 2-3

God may not show you the goal until you are willing to go. 

God is like a father holding our hands as we learn to walk. The baby may fall but the father is always willing to help.

A promise from God created a great deal of tension. The promise of a child at 75.

Genesis 15

God comforted Abram by reaffirming his promise. The opposite of uncertainty is not certainty but faith and trust that God will do what He has promised. In the meantime, we learn patience. A delay is not a delay at all but divine timing.

Abram chose to believe.

Having faith God doesn't prevent Abram from asking for evidence. But the sequence is belief first, then questions.

What we see in Abram’s situation:
“Faith seeking understanding.” -- Thomas Aquinas

God honors Abram’s question and settles him by making a covenant.

The consequence of violating the covenant will be like the animals who have been torn in half. Death and destruction.

During that time, if the covenant is made between two parties of unequal power, the covenant is one sided, and it is the weaker party who has to walk in between the animals.

However, God walks in between the animals instead of Abram because he knows Abram will fail. He chooses to bear Abram's failures even when he knows that Abram will fail to uphold their covenant, and He chooses to honor His promise to him anyway.


During the 400 years of silence between the OT and the NT, God was preparing a new covenant, and a new son, God's own son. God's son was the payment when Abram broke the covenant.

Clearing my head