This year, again, God has answered prayers I didn't know how to pray.

Here's a prayer for next year, "Father, teach me to worship."

Gifts

[11:51 PM, 12/23/2018] ___: Ohh.. you don’t believe you’re worth the time and effort

[11:51 PM, 12/23/2018] ___: You’re a jewel

[11:51 PM, 12/23/2018] ___: 💎

[11:52 PM, 12/23/2018] Zee: Lol. Of course you would say that.

[11:52 PM, 12/23/2018] ___: A true friend if one is lucky enough

[11:52 PM, 12/23/2018] ___: Yah.. it’s hard to earn your trust

[11:53 PM, 12/23/2018] ___: So being considered a friend by you is an honour

[11:53 PM, 12/23/2018] ___: I must have done one thing right along the way

[11:53 PM, 12/23/2018] Zee: Many things right over many years

JC Ryle on the wise men and faith

“The conduct of the wise men is a striking example of faith. They believed in Christ when they had never seen Him – but that was not all. They believed in Him when the Scribes and Pharisees were unbelieving – but that again was not all. They believed in Him when they saw Him a little infant on Mary’s knee, and worshiped Him as a king. This was the crowning point of their faith. They saw no miracles to convince them. They heard no teaching to persuade them. They beheld no signs of divinity and greatness to overawe them. They saw nothing but a new-born infant, helpless and weak, and needing a mother’s care like any one of ourselves. And yet when they saw that infant, they believed that they saw the divine Savior of the world. ‘They fell down and worshiped Him.’

We read of no greater faith than this in the whole volume of the Bible. It is a faith that deserves to be placed side by side with that of the penitent thief. The thief saw one dying the death of a criminal, and yet prayed to Him and ‘called Him Lord.’ The wise men saw a new-born babe on the lap of a poor woman, and yet worshiped Him and confessed that He was Christ. Blessed indeed are those that can believe in this fashion!”

Maybe my mom needs new Christmas music.

Comfort

"The true gift of Christmas is a bowing down to receive wisdom that comes from beyond ourselves. We are not enough. We need to prefer the revelation from God himself."
~ Pastor Brett

And very yummy gingerbread from an LB2 sister. I actually really like gingerbread except that it can often be too sweet. This one is perfect. Very flavorful.

Rachel: "It's in the uncertainty that your faith will grow so much."

Sat afternoon

With Fi and K.

Awww

I sent a panicked email to my boss because I thought I missed the deadline to apply for a conference grant, and then sent him another email to apologize. I had trouble with the system because the date was 2018, not 2019.

DP: :)

(Disclaimer: He has walked me through a few too many panic-attacks.)

Me: One day, you'll see the better side of me.

DP: I see no other!


Awwww. Another one of God's little graces.

God's little graces

Another lesson

A friend's MIL gave me mint cuttings, but I didn't know they were mint cuttings. I freaked out when these plants started to die a couple of days after I received them.

Then J told me that with cuttings, you have to let them die and the roots will regrow. So all I have to do is keep watering them and waiting.

There's a spiritual lesson here. The old will die and the new will come. 

But don't go pulling up the plants to see if the roots are growing yet! This last bit isn't really biblical, but it is a good reminder for an impatient person like me. 

God is at work even when we don't see anything happening.

Haggai 2:4-9

⁴ Yet now be strong, O Zerubbabel, declares the Lord. Be strong, O Joshua, son of Jehozadak, the high priest. Be strong, all you people of the land, declares the Lord. Work, for I am with you, declares the Lord of hosts,⁵ according to the covenant that I made with you when you came out of Egypt. My Spirit remains in your midst. Fear not. ⁶ For thus says the Lord of hosts: Yet once more, in a little while, I will shake the heavens and the earth and the sea and the dry land. ⁷ And I will shake all nations, so that the treasures of all nations shall come in, and I will fill this house with glory, says the Lord of hosts. ⁸ The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, declares the Lord of hosts. ⁹ The latter glory of this house shall be greater than the former, says the Lord of hosts. And in this place I will give peace, declares the Lord of hosts.’”

Uhm, wait...

Someone from my church offered to help me figure out direction. The first exercise we did seemed simple but it was incredibly revelatory.

My values, as are my head and heart, are not integrated and that's why I often feel conflicted and confused.

So thankful that God has brought the right people in to my life ... often without me even knowing how to ask. How does this keep happening over and over again?!

Gift from a former student

So sweet of her.

proverbs 32:21

Over the weekend, I was convicted that I am not fully submitted to the Holy Spirit. Had lunch with one of the ladies in my discipleship group, and our conversation was really helpful.

She said she used to be a control freak—wanted to control everything and everyone around her, and even went to idols to try to control things. If she hadn’t told me about that part of her life, I honestly wouldn’t have been able to tell. If God changed her, God can change me too.

And what’s the alternative? To go back to trying to control everything? That would be a living death worse than actual death.

When I’m fearful or anxious, I know it’s not from God. I don’t have to spend time dwelling on the anxiety or hurt. I just need to run into Jesus's arms.

This is my worship
This is my offering
In every moment
I withhold nothing
I'm learning to trust You
Even when I can't see it
And even in suffering
I have to believe it

[Chorus]
If You say "it's wrong", then I'll say "no"
If You say "release", I'm letting go
If You're in it with me, I'll begin
And when You say to jump, I'm diving in
If You say "be still", then I will wait
If You say to trust, I will obey
I don't wanna follow my own ways
I'm done chasing feelings
Spirit lead me

It felt like a burden
But once I could grasp it
You took me further
Further than I was asking
And simply to see You
It's worth it all
My life is an altar
Let Your fire fall

Spirit lead me
Spirit lead me
Spirit lead me

[Bridge]
When all hope is gone
And Your word is all I've got
I have to believe
You still bring water from the rock
To satisfy my thirst
To love me at my worst
And even when I don't remember
You remind me of my worth

I don't trust my ways
I'm trading in my faults
I lay down everything
'Cause You're all that I want
I've landed on my knees
This is the cup You have for me
And even when it don't make sense

[Post-Bridge]
I'm gonna let Your Spirit lead (Spirit lead me)
I'm gonna let Your Spirit lead (Spirit lead me)
I'm gonna let Your Spirit lead (Spirit lead me)
I'm gonna let Your Spirit lead (Spirit lead me)

If You say "it's wrong", then I'll say "no"
If You say "release", I'm letting go
If You're in it with me, I'll begin
And when You say to jump, I'm diving in
If You say "be still", then I will wait
If You say to trust, I will obey
You're the only truth, the life, the way
I'm done chasing feelings
Spirit lead me

Spirit lead me

Church workout group

psalm 57:2

I cry out to God Most High,
    to God who fulfills his purpose for me.

Burnout

And blessings. It's unbelievable how God has brought so many generous friends into my life. Nothing I ever deserve.

Friendship

Sometimes I need reminders that we can only grow as far as grace allows. When I look back at the last year and nine months, I notice that I have no control over when God heals.

God is not a part of my plans; I am a part of God's plans.

But He is a gracious, merciful and loving God.

Hmm

Yesterday afternoon, I told God, “If you keep me in this job, give me a vision. If you take me out of this job, give me a vision too.”

Last night, I learned this from Dallas Willard’s Life Without Lack on the promises of Psalm 23:

Submission is giving up the belief that my will is supreme or best. 

What if I carry that attitude into my work and relationships?

To seek others' good and glory.

Evidences of God

I was invited to attend a luncheon of 17 leading pastors including Stephen Olford who influenced teachers and preachers worldwide. His impact was recognized by seminarians, pulpit ministers, and evangelists. During the table conversation he said, “My brothers. I am weary of celebrity religion. You know I have received my share of honors. But if when I die my family does not say, ‘There is something of God in the man,’ I will have failed.”

A holy hush came over this distinguished group. Each attendee considered his own personal situation.

Even though I was invited as a guest and not pastoral participant, I thought then and continually about the evidences of God in a man.

Here are four ideas that come to mind:

A quiet center that cannot be panicked is an evidence of God. The Quaker theologian Thomas Kelly called it making a “mental habit of internal orientation.” That is a mouthful! I like to just say those who evidence God have a quiet space that is rooted in Him and immune to permanent disturbance. I think of Christ asleep in the boat when the storm was raging. A physical representation is the eye of the hurricane which is perfectly still while everything around it is reeling and rolling. The very center is quiet.

God is evidenced in the way we speak. I think of my friend Bob, raised on the streets of a big metropolitan area. He once said, “When I came to Christ, He cleaned up my dirty mouth and tongue.” Vulgarity gave him a bad taste in his mouth. Profanity turned into prayer. The choice of subjects we talk about reflects our internal base. The things we think about naturally come out in our conversation.

Another evidence is the quality and breadth of love in our lives. Unconditional love comes from Christ and is a demonstration of God’s presence. John, the apostle, tells us we can’t be rightly related to God and hate our brothers. Jesus told us our love one for another would let others know we belonged to Him.

Another evidence is our attitude toward death. The way we think about dying is crucial to maturity. The assurance of heaven gives us a peaceful acceptance of life with its ups and downs. The fact that this life isn’t the sole experience creates an equilibrium which allows us to reflect an eternal perspective. God in our life reminds us this life is the practice – the real game comes later. I am certainly glad.

This week think about: 1) How do people know I have a relationship with God? 2) What do I want my family to say about me when I die? 3) When do I experience the quiet center?

Words of Wisdom: “The things we think about naturally come out in our conversation.”

Wisdom from the Word: “But as for me, God’s presence is all I need. I have made the sovereign LORD my shelter, as I declare all the things you have done.” (Psalm 73:28 NET Bible)

- by the late Fred Smith Sr.

Dog's breakfast

Who else but God?

tired pup

double portion

Sobering

At the faculty fellowship today, someone shared about how she had the chance to pray for a retired professor at Cambridge. He won a Nobel prize and while he was passionate for Christ in his 30s, but he turned away from God.

He seemed to not respond to my colleague's sharing and prayer, but she wasn't sure either. Only God knows his final decision. But apparently his wife used Ecclesiastes in his eulogy and described the man's life work as meaningless. More shocking, his children didn't even turn up at the funeral. How much brokenness must have existed for them to make such a hurtful choice? Only the devil would rejoice in such a thing.

I'm glad for my colleague's faith and focus on the work and glory of God. The wife must have felt some comfort that this slightly odd Chinese couple cared to visit when even her children didn't.

Insomnia

Some days, all the blue skies in the world are just not enough. A friend who understands even when not much is said can be a balm.