Fear of pain

 This has been a season in the wilderness. I actually think it began a year and a half ago, ironically, when I felt like I had finally left Egypt. I remember the place and occasion when I had that thought, "Ah, I have left slavery and I'm standing outside the Promised Land."

And then I entered into a year and a half of testing like I've never experienced before. Like the Israelites, I hadn't realized that the miracle of the Red Sea would be followed by 40 years of wandering. (I do pray that this season won't last 40 literal years.)

But in this time, it is true that He has led me to oases for times of refreshment and rest. A year after thinking I had left Egypt, one person gave me the word, "Step out" and another, "What you have asked for has been granted." 

I am waiting for both these words to be fulfilled, but I do believe that in the spiritual realm, they have already been set into motion.

God is also very strategic. As I wrote testimony #11, He used it to unravel more. Pulling on one small knot can lead to the unravelling of other knots.

The next stage may not be easier, who knows? (God does, of course. That was a rhetorical question.) But in all things, God will lead me as a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night, and His presence will never depart from me. He will provide manna and quail.

And as I keep healing for past wounds, pain might become less fearsome. Like athletes who submits our bodies to training--micro-tears!--I will get stronger. I am already stronger. God will keep me from harm. 

(But still, I can't wait to get out of the wilderness.)

1 Chronicles 4:10

Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request.

 

💗

One more class, and Elijah House 201 will come to an end. Because of a resurgence in the virus, we will have our final class on zoom. Almost everyone voted to delay the graduation lunch to the fall when hopefully we will be able to gather together in person. It's been such a precious time, I'm glad we'll be able to see one another face to face again. 

The entire course is centered on connecting our hearts to the Father's heart. 

This is difficult to do because of the many things in our lives that have led us to protect our hearts using our own methods and by our own strength, none of which honor God or involve God. 

I'm starting to see--feel!--how my heart literally scrunches up in on itself when I feel hurt or scared. It has been so normal to me that I never noticed it before. A key teaching of the course is that we need to trust God to protect our hearts. 

Psalm 115:11 You who fear him, trust in the LORD— he is their help and shield.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.

Psalm 27:3 

This sounds easy and anyone who has been Christian for even a short time will be familiar with these promises. But within the first week of class, I realized how difficult it was, and can still be, for me to trust that God will be the one who protects my heart and that I don't have to be the one who does it.

Last night, my accountability group and I had the opportunity to pray for one of our members, and it was clear to me that she wasn't ready to let God protect her heart in a particular situation. When I saw her resolve to draw up walls around, I thought, "Oh, is that what it looks like? Is that what I look like when I don't give up my fears and wounds to Father God?"

Having experienced healing in some areas, I realized that it is so much better to let Father come into each room of my heart. But I also understand why the sister couldn't go there (yet). It can seem too frightening. 

EH calls this a sign of "unripe fruit," that is, an area that the person is not ready to relinquish. As prayer supporters, we don't go there because it isn't time yet and only the Holy Spirit knows when that time will be.

It's been interesting for me to note that there are areas in my life that I haven't relinquished either. In my head, it makes so much sense to say, "Yes, Lord, please do whatever You want with xyz in my life." But my heart tightens its death grip on those very areas. But at least now I can say this with honesty. I'm not sure why I can't let go and trust Father. Those are revelations that are for Father to reveal in good time. 

To trust God with our hearts ... in a way, that is also a way to put our hearts on the altar as Abraham did with Isaac. Isaac, the son of God's promise and Abraham's heart of hearts .... Abraham had to trust God with his dreams, his loves, his hopes, and everything that mattered in his life. Abraham had to say, "Okay, You've got this. I trust You. No matter what You decide, I'll be okay with it. I could be crushed by this, and I could hurt so much that I can't stand up again. But I'm going to trust that even if that happens, You are right and good."

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Deuteronomy 28:1-14

This shows us God's intent for us:

“And if you faithfully obey the voice of the Lord your God, being careful to do all his commandments that I command you today, the Lord your God will set you high above all the nations of the earth. 2 And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, if you obey the voice of the Lord your God. 3 Blessed shall you be in the city, and blessed shall you be in the field. 4 Blessed shall be the fruit of your womb and the fruit of your ground and the fruit of your cattle, the increase of your herds and the young of your flock. 5 Blessed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl. 6 Blessed shall you be when you come in, and blessed shall you be when you go out.

7 “The Lord will cause your enemies who rise against you to be defeated before you. They shall come out against you one way and flee before you seven ways. 8 The Lord will command the blessing on you in your barns and in all that you undertake. And he will bless you in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. 9 The Lord will establish you as a people holy to himself, as he has sworn to you, if you keep the commandments of the Lord your God and walk in his ways. 10 And all the peoples of the earth shall see that you are called by the name of the Lord, and they shall be afraid of you. 11 And the Lord will make you abound in prosperity, in the fruit of your womb and in the fruit of your livestock and in the fruit of your ground, within the land that the Lord swore to your fathers to give you. 12 The Lord will open to you his good treasury, the heavens, to give the rain to your land in its season and to bless all the work of your hands. And you shall lend to many nations, but you shall not borrow. 13 And the Lord will make you the head and not the tail, and you shall only go up and not down, if you obey the commandments of the Lord your God, which I command you today, being careful to do them, 14 and if you do not turn aside from any of the words that I command you today, to the right hand or to the left, to go after other gods to serve them.

Devotions

I've been making my way through Isaiah daily. Father God has strong feelings for His children! And He also allows His children to feel strong feelings for Him. 

Isaiah 63: 7-9

7-9 I’ll make a list of God’s gracious dealings,
    all the things God has done that need praising,
All the generous bounties of God,
    his great goodness to the family of Israel—
Compassion lavished,
    love extravagant.
He said, “Without question these are my people,
    children who would never betray me.”
So he became their Savior.
    In all their troubles,
    he was troubled, too.
He didn’t send someone else to help them.
    He did it himself, in person.
Out of his own love and pity
    he redeemed them.
He rescued them and carried them along
    for a long, long time.

Isaiah 63: 11-16

11-14 Then they remembered the old days,
    the days of Moses, God’s servant:
“Where is he who brought the shepherds of his flock
    up and out of the sea?
And what happened to the One who set
    his Holy Spirit within them?
Who linked his arm with Moses’ right arm,
    divided the waters before them,
Making him famous ever after,
    and led them through the muddy abyss
    as surefooted as horses on hard, level ground?
Like a herd of cattle led to pasture,
    the Spirit of God gave them rest.”

14-16 That’s how you led your people!
    That’s how you became so famous!
Look down from heaven, look at us!
    Look out the window of your holy and magnificent house!
Whatever happened to your passion,
    your famous mighty acts,
Your heartfelt pity, your compassion?
    Why are you holding back?
You are our Father.
    Abraham and Israel are long dead.
    They wouldn’t know us from Adam.
But you’re our living Father,
    our Redeemer, famous from eternity!

from Y__'s you know who

Everything God says is true—-and it’s a shield for all who come to him for safety.  Proverbs  30:5

She started this joke "you know who" and now it's a long-running joke. I love it. I do know who.

sacrifice of praise

Yesterday, one of the sisters from my accountability group encouraged me to praise God. In the past, I had heard it before but somehow I missed the "why" so the injunction to "just praise God" came across as ritualistic and made me feel like I was lighting joss sticks again.

But last night, R's why stuck. We praise because it's an act of trust that breaks chains even when we don't know what the source of those chains is.

Then I realized finally that when we praise God, we enter into His presence and nothing can stand before Him. It's a simple truth that is easy to grasp intellectually. But it's only when we are suffering that the experience of this truth becomes real. Step into the presence of God--one step from suffering into His glory--and everything calms down. 

Would you believe it

I once witnessed with my own eyes how a lady was told by a stranger what she did in secret. A stranger who prayed for her said, "You have been going to fortune tellers. Please stop." She burst out crying and said, "I thought if I didn't tell anyone, no one would know." After I saw that, I thought, "This lady is going to have super-faith for sure." But it's not true. Three to four years later, she's still struggling to trust God to meet her needs.

And the funny thing is, I saw it with my own eyes, and I too struggle to believe that God will meet my needs! I can just imagine Jesus shaking His head at me. Smiling, but shaking His head.

"You saw that with Your own eyes, so why don't you have super faith??!"

Romans 5:1-2

By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that’s not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.

And still....

Just thinking again today that God pursued me long before I ever thought to seek Him out. God is my future because He was everywhere in my past. Hannah! The answer to prayer that was set into motion twenty-one years ago!

Why do my hands still hold on to grubby, broken things when my Father wants to put His hand in mine?

Thankful that God is infinitely more patient than I am ....

the thing with God

I was just thinking that despite all the trials for the past few months, I can't complain too much because God has given me a lot of what I have said is my "treasure," that is, to be able to learn. God has a sense of humor. In the last few months, He has taught me a great deal. Despite the pain, there has been a great deal of pleasure too.

I need to be careful what I ask for. He takes us at our words.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Psalms 73:26

Keeping Track

It's interesting to note now that I'm back to "normal" life, i.e. not having people constantly around me and not having to get on buses, trains, or navigate strange streets that God has been changing things. He hasn't changed things on the outside, but I feel a change on the inside.

Compared to previous experiences, I feel so much more peace and rest even if I did go through periods of mourning, grief, and wrestling. I might still go through future bouts of grief and wrestling, but I know with so much certainty that God is working things out in the unseen. This certainty was never available to me before.

God gave me words of encouragement from C and non-C in my life, and confirmed multiple times that I only need to be still and that He is the one who fights my battle.

My challenge this year: break the habit of looking ahead and "needing" to know what is coming up. 

This is a tough one. It's something I've always done and "needed."

Gosh. 

Psalm 37:7 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!

New Year's Eve

Sitting at a cafe with Irene, Pauline, and Rebecca in Seoul waiting to countdown.

The last couple of months were super hard (family and work).

But God has shown up to heal and He has given me many promises.

Emancipation.
Open, wide road.

I don't like my situation right now but God knows what He's doing. As much as I don't like 2019, I will give thanks for my God who uses all things for my good.

My resolution always seems to be "trust."

Other contexts

I didn't realize how wound up I am until I got here, back in a different context, and among friends whose lives are different from mine.

Why am I so wound up inside when I know God who created the stars, the seas, and everything in between is on my side?

Reading the Word calms my insides like nothing else does. Father's words are truly living and active.

And yet again!

As a follow-up to the previous post where two different people sent me verses from Proverbs 3 and Psalm 37, God sent a THIRD person who gave me verses from Proverbs 3 and Psalm 37 again. And Romans 12:12 for good measure.

Thankful for the body of Christ, and for a Father who delights in speaking and encouraging. If I don't trust God, I would be turning my back on Him.

12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

I want to hear from the Lord so I can bless others too!!

Why am I always receiving??

I AM THE ROCK that is higher than you and your circumstances. I am your Rock in whom you can take refuge—any time, any place. Come to Me, beloved; rest in the Peace of My Presence. Take a break from trying to figure everything out. Admit that many, many things are beyond your understanding—and your control. My ways and thoughts are higher than yours, as the heavens are higher than the earth.

When the world around you looks confusing and evil appears to be winning, remember this: I am the Light that keeps on shining in all situations. And light always overcomes darkness whenever these two opposites meet face to face.

Since you are My follower, I want you to shine brightly in this troubled world. Whisper My Name; sing songs of praise. Tell others good tidings of great Joy—that I am the Savior, who is Christ the Lord! I am also the One who is with you continually. Keep looking to Me, and My Presence will illuminate your path.

From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
—PSALM 61:2

The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
—PSALM 18:2

“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
—ISAIAH 55:9

Then the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.”
—LUKE 2:10–11 NKJv

Hearing

I've been concerned about not hearing from God, and told Him about it when I was brushing my teeth. God spoke through two others even before I woke up.

I woke up about 7ish, and worried for two hours that everything I’ve done in the past was a waste of time. I finally got up to brush my teeth, and I prayed, “Lord, I’m afraid I won’t be able to hear from You, not because You don’t speak but because I can’t hear so You’ll have to be very, very clear.”

After I brushed my teeth, I checked email and saw emails from two different friends. Friend 1 said, “This is very odd, but I think this is for you.” It was a devotional she was reading, and the message was more or less, “Nothing is wasted. In the midst of trials, God is doing something in you, and not just for you.” 

Friend 2 said that he was meditating on Ecclesiastes, and thought of me. This is what he wrote:

“I pray that God guards you against thinking of your efforts there as meaningless. They weren't, because I trust they were done in obedience. I pray that God will lead you to take the next step, whatever it is, in joyful obedience.”

Friend 2's email was sent at 1am, and Friend 1's email at 12:10am. God knew that I would be worrying about this for two hours after I woke up, and he knew the request on my heart when I brushed my teeth. 

So, He decided to set up His answer to me a few hours before while I was still asleep.

Neither friend is in the habit of sending me their devotionals, and neither friend has their spiritual eyes fully opened.

However, that's not all. Here are my sermon notes from yesterday on the Christmas story. I thought it spoke to me powerfully. 

Genesis 12: 2-3

God may not show you the goal until you are willing to go. 

God is like a father holding our hands as we learn to walk. The baby may fall but the father is always willing to help.

A promise from God created a great deal of tension. The promise of a child at 75.

Genesis 15

God comforted Abram by reaffirming his promise. The opposite of uncertainty is not certainty but faith and trust that God will do what He has promised. In the meantime, we learn patience. A delay is not a delay at all but divine timing.

Abram chose to believe.

Having faith God doesn't prevent Abram from asking for evidence. But the sequence is belief first, then questions.

What we see in Abram’s situation:
“Faith seeking understanding.” -- Thomas Aquinas

God honors Abram’s question and settles him by making a covenant.

The consequence of violating the covenant will be like the animals who have been torn in half. Death and destruction.

During that time, if the covenant is made between two parties of unequal power, the covenant is one sided, and it is the weaker party who has to walk in between the animals.

However, God walks in between the animals instead of Abram because he knows Abram will fail. He chooses to bear Abram's failures even when he knows that Abram will fail to uphold their covenant, and He chooses to honor His promise to him anyway.


During the 400 years of silence between the OT and the NT, God was preparing a new covenant, and a new son, God's own son. God's son was the payment when Abram broke the covenant.