unexpected friendships

This morning, I had a goodbye breakfast with K, a senior prof in polit_c_l the_ry whose office is in my dept because she also teaches there and in _nglish. My time here has been really wonderful for all sorts of reasons and I've particularly enjoyed meeting up with old friends and making new ones. My friendship with K has been the most surprising though, mostly because of differences in rank, age, and personality.

And it is true that K might not have had the time to talk to me or share meals if she had a partner and/or kids but it is also true that she spends a great deal of time working--by choice--and she generously made space for me in her busy schedule. Friendships can only grow if you make time for one another (can't remember who said it) and I'm glad that we had offices on the same floor, or we wouldn't have become friends. You can't really ignore someone when you're the only two people on the floor at 9pm.

I'm always anxious before I hang out with someone, even if I've been friends with that person for years. But I think I'm getting better at living with that short time of anxiety. Anxiety is an emotion and emotions come and go, as Wai, my therapist at C_rnell would say. ;)

Anyway, I brought this up because K gave me tips about what to do or not do when preparing to lecture--I've only taught small, discussion-based seminars--and at the end of that conversation, she said, "Oh, and one more thing. Don't be afraid to fail."

I looked up at her and said, "It's funny you said that. When I first started this postdoc, one of my goals was to learn to allow myself to fail!" Then, I looked back down and continued scribbling on my napkin. She muttered something I didn't quite catch and she didn't want to repeat it at first, but finally she said, "I said, 'I am not stupid.'"

I pretended not to understand because I was starting to tear up. To be known is a wonderful feeling and that must be how God intended our relationships to be. To be known by old friends is the best thing about keeping up friendships over the years. To be known by new friends is . . . . well, good, but a little scary too, in a way.

Most of my packing is done now although I have more to do later tonight after I've done my final load of laundry. I hope with all my heart that everything will fit in my bags and that I won't have anymore surprises. Canceling out on the M_A conference earlier this week was a really good decision because I got to rest and pack at a leisurely pace. I would've liked to see my friends there but I think my body would have collapsed from exhaustion. I'm pretty much done with the syllabi for my new classes too, so that is a relief.

Probably won't be online much tomorrow so this will likely be my last post from here! My flight leaves on Jan 1, 12:05am.