But God

Mar says that we have to be patient with the path because we are becoming new people. More of ourselves. She’s not Christian, but isn’t that what the Bible teaches us too? That God molds us and refines us in our trials?

Common grace. I'm glad we're both walking through the same path together.

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/if-only

If only I could find my soulmate to marry. If only my mate felt like my soulmate. If only I could find that friend who really understands and accepts me for who I am. If only I could pursue the career I really want. If only my church were more [fill in the blank]. If only I weren’t so [fill in the blank]. If only I lived [fill in the blank]. If only I had [fill in the blank]. If only my family [fill in the blank]. If only [fill in the blank] hadn’t happened to me.

What are your if only’s? We all have them, because if only’s are a form of regret, and regrets are simply unavoidable in our experience — though not all of them are unavoidable. Some are nothing more than delusions.

Either way, we must take care with our regrets, because, whether based on something real or fantastic, they can erode our faith in God by subtly shifting our faith from God to our regrets — and that is truly regrettable.

Real Regrets

When I say that some of our regrets are unavoidable, here’s what I mean:

1. We are sinners who, even as regenerate believers in Jesus, are committing or omitting sin in greater or lesser degrees all the time, and this scorns God and damages ourselves and others to greater or lesser degrees.

2. We live our lives intertwined and interacting with other sinners whose God-scorning sin affects or damages us in greater or lesser degrees.

3. We live in an age riddled with futility, so things are always breaking down or not working out the way they should (Romans 8:20).

4. And we live in a world under the power of the evil one, so we are frequently affected by the oppression and opposition of demonic forces (1 John 5:19).

This means we all have legitimate regrets for past occurrences that have detrimentally influenced who we are and where we are. It’s right to regret ways we have harmed or been harmed by others. And it certainly isn’t wrong to feel some if only’s over certain effects of the fall that we or others have suffered, resulting in terrible grief and loss.

There are numerous appropriate reasons we might wish things could have been or could now be different. And having a robust belief in the sovereignty of God does not necessarily preclude our feeling regret. Paul even begins Romans 9, the Bible’s most clear defense of God’s sovereignty in election, with an anguished “if only” lament over his fellow Israelites’ rejection of Jesus as the Christ (Romans 9:1–3). It’s just that confidence in God’s providence allows us to faithfully rest in God’s power and wisdom to work all things together for his children’s good, even if, like Paul, on a human level we really wish things were different (Romans 8:28).

Fantasy Regrets

But not all our "if only" regrets are legitimate and unavoidable. Some of our if only’s are rooted in imagined ideals or fantasies we believe because we’ve absorbed messages from our family, friends, and cultures (or indulged selfish desires).

Fantasy Ideals are not as easy to spot as our real regrets, because they are not as poignant. Unlike real regrets stemming from painful events we’ve endured or caused, we often can’t identify the genesis of fantasy regrets because they are amalgamations of various messages, impressions, aspirations, envies, and hopes we’ve picked up along the way, some extending back into childhood.

These are often unexamined, uncritical assumptions about what will make us happy that wield remarkable power over us because they keep forming mirage dreams we end up chasing. We don’t recognize them as fantasies; they just impress us as the way things should be. And when they keep dissipating as we approach them, they become sources of chronic “if only” discontentment.

The End of If Only

Whether we’re dealing with real or fantasy regrets, the way we know we are focusing too much on them is that we find them draining our hope and sapping our joy. They lead us into a wasteland of discouragement or sitting in the dungeon of despair.

What’s happening is that these regrets are shifting our focus away from trusting the promises of God — the grounds and fuel of our future hope — to trusting the promises of our regrets. Discouragement and despair set in because we feel trapped by regrets we cannot seem to change.

The path out of the wasteland, the key out of the dungeon, lies in two small words that convey omnipotent power to deliver us from every regret: “But God.”

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience — among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ — by grace you have been saved — and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. (Ephesians 2:1–7)

You were once spiritually dead, living in regrettable sin, no matter how sordid or relatively well-behaved you were. But God! He loved you, he saved you, and he has made your future brighter than your heart has yet imagined (1 Corinthians 2:9).

The gospel truth is this: you are not trapped by any “if only” regret — real or fantasy, legitimate or illegitimate, past or present. All of your if only’s will find their end in your God, who is rich in mercy and abounding in a love for you so powerful, it conquers death and hell. All of his promises to you are yes in Christ (2 Corinthians 1:20). All your real, deep longings for joy he will fulfill, to some degree in this age, and in the age to come with all joy you will be capable of experiencing (Psalm 16:11).

So if you’re regrets are weighing you down, examine them. What is giving them life? Once you know, lay them aside and turn your gaze to Christ (Hebrews 12:1–2) and seize some of his promises. Remember: But God. Let him work your regrettable past for good, and let him blow away the fog of any fantasies.

wholeness

I know, this seems so unlike my usual intellectual self. But I don't think the intellect and the spirit are opposed. There is a great deal in psychology and sociology that mirrors spiritual truths, and God made the body, mind, and spirit to work in unity.

I am so, so impatient. I want to run like Usain Bolt, but the wounds on my feet aren't fully healed yet.


More about nightmares:

"As followers of Jesus Christ, we have complete spiritual authority to demolish the works of the enemy against us when we pray in the name of our Saviour. So it is the same with demonic nightmares. But first, we must repent for clinging on to any offensive acts or objects that give Satan a foothold to torment us.

1 John 3:8 ESV  ... The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil.

Luke 6:18 ESV  ... And those who were troubled with unclean spirits were cured."

nightmares

Last night, I had a dream where demons were present and attacking me and people around me. The funny thing about this dream is that I wasn’t scared and in a way I “made” the dream come back a second time so that I could do a better job of battling the demons and convincing the people around me that we were battling demons not human beings, and that we need to be prepared. I don’t want to make light of demons, and the dreams weren’t a walk in the park. I wasn't fearful, but I was pretty tired and when my alarm rang, I felt exhausted even if I went to bed at a good time. I still find it funny that I dreamed about making the dream come back a second time so that I could improve.

As someone who has been plagued by nightmares for a lot of her adult life, it's remarkable to note how my dreams are no longer filled with fear even when there are demons and spirits in them. Still, I hope I have fewer of these kinds of dreams! 

Don't challenge god

June 30, God spoke to me in a dream.

He's got a sense of humor.

dreams

I don't trust dreams, and I don't trust feelings. But I'm learning to "befriend" my feelings now as Mar suggests. (It's either that or go crazy.) We stay.

Last night, I dreamed that I asked someone what "Coachella" means. I was given an answer, but I don't remember what it was.

I think it'll take a lot for me to trust dreams.

Go ahead, God, do your best. See if that changes.

i love my people

My mentor's advice to me this week: "Don't do anything illegal. Or immoral."

conversations about death

Conversations during a memorial service last Sunday. I didn't know the deceased personally, and went to the service out of friendship for the club leader who is the deceased's godson.

Me: I don't think I want to be friends with you guys when you're all older.

Ray: Why? Because you don't want to see us.....

Me: Yeah.

Me: When I pass on, I don't think there will be so many people at my service.

Ray: I'll come to yours! But you have to let me know!

Me: Sure, I'll let you know through a dream.

In Cantonese, it's "I will send you a dream," where the deceased visits the living through a dream. Of course, I'm not so sure that I will be visiting anyone once I am Home, but it's the thought that counts.

Once, I had a dream where my maternal grandmother visited me in HK, and we went to a mall in TST. My grandmother could walk in my dream--no arthritis?--and she took the escalators with me and gazed around the mall as we went up to the next floor. I told my mom about my dream but she didn't say anything in reply. A year or so later, she told one of my aunts the story during Chinese New Year and said to my aunt, "How would z know that [my grandmother] loved to shop?"

I didn't know that my grandmother loved shopping (I hate it and assumed that she would too), and clearly, my grandmother probably didn't visit me in my dream. But I like thinking about it as if she did.

delusions

Why did I think life would be easier as we get older?

Although, research is now proving that those of us who make it to our 50s and beyond tend to become happier and calmer, and all sorts of other good things. I guess I just have to hang in there until then.

Easter break

Took a break over our long-weekend, and went to Zhongshan with badminton buddies for food and badminton. Now, my body thinks that it can relax and refuses to work. However, we have three more weeks of classes to go, and I need to finish my writing!!! Sigh.

Just chatted with a friend who teaches in Chicago. She's feeling more down than I am right now, but I'm sure she'll be fine once she gets tenure. In the mean time, it's physical therapy, massages, and counseling to keep up with the effects of stress.

What do I want? Is this the life I want? I don't know what I want.....

I keep telling myself that I need to slow down. But I still fill up my schedule more than I'd like to and make my Monday mornings so much harder. Last night, I heard life and industry stories from an architecture who heads the HK office of a Chinese firm, a police (woman) officer stationed in Mong Kok, and an entrepreneur in travel retail. I really, really love talking to people who work in different fields. They teach me more about the world than I'd have access to on my own.

Sometimes, I wonder what life would be like if I had chosen a different career. But what??

please....

I wish I could survive on less sleep so that I can do everything I want to do: work hard at my job, pray, read, spend time with friends and family, volunteer, play badminton, and go to the gym. All these things are important to me....

It seems like the one thing that I've had to learn to do consistently over the past 20 years is to learn to weigh what people teach me. I need to remain teachable, but not what everyone tells me is true--even if they're convinced they are--or right. Sometimes, it may not be right for me at that time.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of all wisdom. Lord, have mercy.

more dreams

Dreamed that I profited from the largesse of a college friend's cooking skills (Zoia C., by the way), and that, with another college friend (Michelle A.), I took over and lived in a tiny Hong Kong-style mall shop with glass walls all around.

So, what's my unconscious telling me? I don't really keep in touch with either Zoia or Michelle even if I do think they're both really wonderful women, and Zoia's more of an expert dancer rather than chef. I guess dreams don't really mean anything and I shouldn't put anything by them.

In the summer, it gets so hot here that water coming out of my kitchen taps are hot in the morning. 

the unconscious

I dreamed last night that I presented one of my current chapters to a bunch of non-academic friends, and they very uninterested, confused, and dismissive. One of my dissertation committee members was there and she tried to discuss it with me in a helpful manner, but I was even more embarrassed because she was there.

Oh boy.

lively night life

I dreamed last night that I was at dragon boat practice, and we were stretching. Then I woke up and realized it was a dream, but fell back asleep and said to myself, "That's okay, keep stretching as you sleep so that you'll recover more quickly!" Of course, my impression is that I kept stretching in my sleep for a long time after that.....

Off again

I just unpacked, and now I'll be packing again for the next trip. This time, it'll be for the lunar new year. I'm looking forward to seeing family and friends again, but well, as everyone probably knows, sometimes being with family can be tough too. We'll see what happens this year.

Work has been going very slowly since I got back. Sigh.

I had a very vivid and long dream last night, some of which I still remember and I have mixed feelings about that. Dreams are so weird and sometimes, the very things you don't want to think about resurface in your dreams. In a  funny part of my dream, I had forgotten to tell my parents when something life-changing happened, and I kept worrying about how mad they would be because I was not telling them about my life. (This is generally true in real life.) Okay, so now every time the thoughts around this particular subjects come up during the day, I'll acknowledge them, and let them pass through without trying to repress them because I don't want them to come up in my dreams.

You know, sometimes I don't like my dreams not because they are unpleasant, but because they are simply not true. In some ways, this dream was pleasant because I was not running away from someone with a knife or carrying a burden 100 times my size. But I'd rather have dreamless sleep any day of the week.