Little surprises

 Last year, I had a male student from engineering who was caustic and dismissive in all semester. I thought he hated my class and couldn't wait to be rid of me. Toward the end of the semester, we went on zoom because of the protests. He asked for an appointment but requested that we used the chat function only without cameras because he felt intimidated. Over chat, however, he opened up.

He asked for a reading list, and I don't remember why, but I told him to reach out again in a few months. I forgot about him, but this morning he emailed again asking him for the reading list. 

I sent him a few titles that I thought he might like. Surprises like these show me how little I know sometimes.

Wow

I was really struggling with this and I asked the Holy Spirit, how do I know I have really put something to death? We know that Isaac never really died. What if a part of me still hopes that my "Isaac" never really dies? Is that truly faith?

And the HS pointed out that while Isaac didn't die, Jesus really did die for me. But in the process, He broke the power of death. Because of what Jesus did, nothing truly ever dies anymore.

When we put things on the altar, they are no longer bound by death. By His power and resurrection, God gives them new life. These gifts may undergo transformation, but we can trust that that transformation is for good because look at Jesus.

Even in Isaac's case, he was never truly bound by death! God always took that death upon Himself (via Jesus). Abraham believed even when he didn't understand.... Wow.

Gift from student

I really should teach a first year course again. It's amazing to follow the progress of students you meet in their first years. But first, my department has to find someone else to teach the mandatory second-year course so I can switch over....

Gift from student

Pretty cool.

Good start to the week

Thank you gift and card from a student

Christmas

I should take pictures of all the cards I have gotten and keep them in one place. There will be days when I will need them to remind myself that all of this is worth it.

Dec again

It's cold, gray, and we're grading. 'Nuff said.

I'm sure December isn't our busiest month of the year, but it always feels that way. Maybe it's because I just want to rest and feel Christmassy. But here we are, facing down deadlines....

I don't usually miss being in the US, but today I do, and very, very much. I miss my friends there even if everyone now lives all across the US.

Panic

Stress levels have gone WAY UP again. I really need to calm down. I'm thankful that I'm reconnecting with some old friends and in a meaningful way, and I'm very thankful for kind and supportive senior colleagues. But it ain't fun to be on the receiving end of critiques. Very thankful that they are taking the time to look through some of my shorter documents, but I wish this process were over. For someone who hates criticism, I sure as hell chose the wrong profession!

(And if you tell someone you have "lots of comments," please don't delay in setting up an appointment to talk it over because the other person won't be able to relax until she or he finds out what those comments are!)

just the beginning

I cannot believe that we're at the beginning of a new semester. I feel like I need a vacation already!

Of course, I also did play badminton four times and go to the gym twice in the last seven days. I am glad I have no time to exercise today because I'm teaching my evening class tonight. Cannot wait to be done with class and go home to bed. (It's 9:32am as I type this.)

#veryold
#toomuchexercise

Best Christmas gift a teacher can get

It has been quite the week. I am incredibly tired. SO DRAINED. But what I'm learning now is that I need to trust others to do the right thing. (Even when I may not necessarily have the evidence that they will!) Sometimes, there really is only so much I can do. And I just need to trust others.

Not being able to make my regular badminton sessions doesn't help either. But, I must say that God is good, and that I have had blessings this week too. I just need to trust God, and like it or not, I need to trust the people around me.

It's kinda like baddy. :) You need to trust your doubles partner even when you don't want to, and if you don't, you risk losing the match at a faster rate. I don't know why that's the case. It just is.

Politics

We may be caught up in a historical moment. China has been flexing its muscles over HK, and the organizers of Occupy Central may be gearing up for major protests. Student unions in the major universities all over HK may also participate in these protests but hold them on their campuses.

I'm proud to say that my faculty has decided to support our students in what they choose to do. I've offered to reschedule my classes to the evening or the weekends as a measure of support.

I must say that I don't like to disrupt my lessons, and I don't like it when my students can't attend my classes. Personally, these strikes may hurt the students as individuals, and it is a cost that the university community has to bear. But we also need to send a message that will be loud and clear to the Chinese government that HK is part of China, but is prepared to fight for democracy, and for an independent judiciary.

Business cannot go on as usual, but how do we do it in a way that hurts China, and not us? But if we do not pay the cost now, the cost we pay later will be much higher. Oy vey. God, grant wisdom and courage to those in positions of leadership, as well as to the rest of us.

putting up guards

Colossians 4:5-6 (The Message)
Use your heads as you live and work among outsiders. Don’t miss a trick. Make the most of every opportunity. Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, not cut them out.

As wonderful as some of my non-Christian friends are, I need to learn to be more careful about what I share with them. Esther Hu was right all those years ago. At some point, we will disagree very strongly on how to approach problems and issues, and this can make for very contentious moments especially when a friend feels as if I disregard her advice and viewpoints. Uhm, sorry, but it's my life and I have to live with the consequences of my choices. I value other viewpoints but just because I decide on a solution that she does not agree with does not make me inflexible. 

Life and its curveballs. Happy advent.

Oh no

A few close friends who are in my line of work asked me last week if I am "okay," and if I'm "coping" with the uncertainties of this season of my life. My first response was, "Huh, what are you talking about? I'm having a lot of fun! I just found out that dodgeball season is over but it'll start up again in January!" And then I thought about why they said what they said, and last night, I had to fight off a panic attack.

My friends meant well when they offered me comfort, but it's also funny how they reminded me of all the different things I should be doing now, and also of how so much is already out of my hands. It's no fun thinking about these things and I've been coping with it all by keeping myself busy with fun and games! I'm out every night of the week again. Looking forward to Sunday because besides church in the morning, I have absolutely nothing planned.

Work is going very slowly as I wind up my lectures and I begin preparing finals for the students. I just want to sleep and watch TV, and not think about the research work I have to do now!!!!

correlations

I'm not sure, but I think I'm starting to notice a trend. I often feel blue and go into paroxysms of self-doubt about my chosen career--and it's also true that all my friends who are in this profession go through the same paroxysms--but they are more acute when I'm less focused on Christ in my life. In other words, when I am more focused on loving God and loving the people around me, the agonies of wondering if I am in the right vocation become much less acute.

Well, but then again, I'd have to observe my reactions more before I come to a conclusion about this! I've been feeling really fatigued this week. On Monday, I literally slept two hours in the morning and two hours again in the afternoon, and worked in between those two long naps. Then I fell asleep at about 11.30pm that night. In spite of all the "wasted" time sleeping, my class yesterday went fairly well, and I feel good about the lecture that will start in about 20 minutes. I can't wait to get in class and spend time with my students!!

Maybe Ortberg is right, maybe we do need a better theology of sleep!

the weekend needs to start now.....

Yesterday, I gave a 2-hr lecture, and after that about 10 students held me back for 30 mins for more questions and discussions. That has never happened before and I don't think I have the energy to do that every week, but I love seeing students engage with difficult ideas. If I had to give myself a grade as a lecturer, yesterday's performance would be a B at best, but those few students turned that class into an A! I'm the lucky duck.

I'm also learning a few lessons on the badminton court. I don't have the energy to blog about that now and hopefully I won't forget them too soon!