Worth reading all the way through.

friend visit over

We had a really lovely time. I like hosting. I like meeting up with old friends. I learned a lot these past couple of days. Need to write about it soon.

But I'm just exhausted and I need to grade and then rest tonight because I haven't been writing for a few weeks now so I am determined to get some writing done this weekend.

blahs again

I now expect to feel low the week after I finish a major project, so last week's fatigue was par for the course as the seminar presentation was a pretty significant piece of work and then I was sick with a bad cold as well. But I'm starting off this week still tired out and I have to grade student papers this week as well as try to to do my own work, and host a friend who's visiting from out of town. My life really could be worse, except that I need to work on my public voice because next week, we have another seminar with a couple of big names in political theory and it will be very odd if I don't ask a question or perform in some way. It will look odd because our guest speaker from Chicago will be speaking about race and I'm the only postdoc in the group who works explicitly on race. After SMS's lecture last week, I know she'll be watching to see if I'm going to open my mouth and not just speak but speak with confidence and sophistication. A part of me wonders how I'm going to pull off a miracle this quickly and it is weighing me down somewhat.

I'm very much looking forward to J. Yip's visit from Wed-Fri as he and his family now live in SA and we haven't seen each other in a very long time. This visit may also be the only visit for a long time too. I need to organize my time and thoughts, aaggghh!!!!

A lot has been going through my head the last few days but I haven't had the time or energy to write about them. Hopefully I won't forget since they are milestone-type insights.

"When you are shame-based, an observation becomes an evaluation."

-- Paul Young via a John Townsend sermon.

wham bam!

Met with the other mentor of the program today, and she had nice things to say about my paper too but it was to frame her comments on my oral, public performance on the day of my seminar: "But you write so beautifully and with such confidence and I just couldn't believe how you stumbled in your seminar . . . . I just don't understand it. What happened??"

Oy vey.

It is so difficult to hear when it comes from someone you adore! And it is oh so difficult to hear it from someone you adore who looks as if she is reading your very soul. But then again, this is precisely why I adore her. She will not let me get away with delivering anything less than the absolute best. It doesn't matter that I did my best, or even if a few others do think that I performed well enough, if what I did was not the best of how it can and should be done, it is just not good enough, and I need to get on it.

FL

I just had lunch with one of the two mentors of the program and she said in passing, "Oh, you're thinking in quite sophisticated ways" re the seminar paper I presented last week. I had to write it down for myself and when I'm feeling glum, I'll come back and look at this blog post. Obviously, our mentors/teachers don't realize how much their feedback means to us.

this is really funny!

Yesterday. Was. Amazing.

I was sweating for most of the two-hours we were in the room but at the end, it was all so very productive. It was academic life at its best.

Exhausted now because I rarely sleep well after our seminars--too many racing thoughts--and have to prepare for my class in a couple of hours, then I need to get started on something else that I need to get done by the end of the week. Hope I don't get sick.

It's pretty cool to have mentors who commit to caring about you regardless of how successful you are. I'm going to remember them as I prepare for my seminar presentation this afternoon. It's going to be a long day as we have a reception after the seminar, and then a private dinner after that. I just found out my small group is planning on spending more time worshiping--as opposed to the unfortunately mostly uninteresting blather that passes for "discussion"--and I won't be there. I can't miss the dinner though because it will be in honor of me (we celebrate the person presenting that day) and I chose to have the dinner at a sushi restaurant that sounds pretty good.

I love the light in this picture

excerpt

On Tears

A small article towards the back of a People magazine told the story of a little
girl named Ashlyn.(1) She was described as an incredibly happy child, eager and
energetic.  According to her mother, Ashlyn has the best laugh in the world, and
according to her kindergarten teacher, she fearlessly goes headfirst into
everything.  In many ways she is a typical, lovable five year-old.  But Ashlyn
is one of only 50 people in the world with a genetic condition that leaves her
unable to feel pain.  She can feel touch and be tickled, but she cannot sense
pain or extreme temperatures.

Ashlyn's parents are used to being asked why such a condition is daunting news
at all.  Their reply is one racked with the sting of experience: Pain is there
for a reason.  When she was a toddler, they had to wrap her with athletic tape
because of all the damage she was causing to limbs that knew no fear. She has
knocked eight teeth out and dug a hole in her eye without shedding a tear. 
She once came in from outside proclaiming she couldn't get the dirt off her
skin.  But it wasn't dirt.  Ashlyn was covered with hundreds of biting fire ants.

It is hard to read such a story without coming away with the difficult conclusion
that pain is necessary. Imagine not knowing when you have scalded your mouth on
a hot meal or bit your tongue so badly that it bled.  Imagine your child
reaching out for the flickering light of a candle and not having the pain of
burned fingers to reinforce your scolding plea not to play with fire.

The great majority of our philosophical frustration about pain is aimed at asking
why a loving God would allow it in the first place.  And yet, the closing lines
of Ashlyn's story were the words of a heartbroken parent:
"I would give anything, absolutely anything, for Ashlyn to feel pain."(2) 
Pain is the body's signal for danger, however severe or slight.

"A Slice of Infinity"
-------

There's more to today's email from Ravi Zacharias's ministry and you can find
the rest of it online. It forced me to think about why certain kinds of pain
are "necessary"--the columnist offered no answers but the assurance that God
keeps track of our tears and that they are not superfluous or unseen. "You have
kept count of my tossings, put my tears in your bottle" (Psalm 56:8, ESV)

It seems so natural to think of certain kinds of pain as necessary and desirable
even, but I have a really hard time with other kinds of cries of the soul as
necessary and desirable. One day, all will become clear.

another great news piece

Yay clean energy, yay unexpected brilliance!

back from ME

Well, back from my "vacation" and feel like I need another one. Much to do and much to catch up on but I think I'm starting to just give up. I'll do what needs to get done and hopefully what I do will be "good enough."

It was so good to be back on that old campus again and it was so good that I kinda got teary-eyed from time to time--even this morning when I rode the bus in to work because I was reflecting on my short time there. I've been given so many good gifts and I know it. But I don't really like having to keep saying goodbye to people I care about. That's just the story of my life, sigh.

A Malay view of race in Malaysia

all my fault

My flight to the East Coast is scheduled to depart on Thurs, 6:30am, and I'm still fiddling with my syllabus for my class in the fall quarter which begins NEXT WEEK, and I'm still writing my seminar paper which has to be in circulation NEXT WEEK. And, I after I send out my seminar paper to my group and anyone else interested in the paper (these things are public, so sometimes people ask for our papers but don't show up to the discussions, they are such _ssh_les), I have to write a 20-minute oral presentation for the week after.

I don't know how I get myself into these things!!!!!! I don't think I can finish all this work in a timely manner. What did I do this summer???

I'll bring work on my trip east, where I am scheduled to be part of an alumni panel on choosing academia. The proper answer to the question is, of course, "don't."

i knew it

When I came in to work today, I looked at my lunch box of leftovers and I thought, hmm, maybe I should put it in the fridge in the dept lounge. I don't always do that because it usually stays cool until lunch anyway. Sigh. The grad students are back for TA prep and someone's holding a TA meeting in the lounge so I can't get at my food!!

I think I'm starting to become less productive now for reasons unrelated to hunger but I still really would like to get at my lunch.

Working Class Zero

Yeah, uh-huh. This is why history is important.

Update

Oh dear, I just fell asleep on the couch in my office without meaning to . . . for two hours. And I still feel tired.

I really should be working

But instead, here are pictures of the peach I'm eating. Kinda gross, huh??!

Yesterday, K and I had lunch and discussed a book that we're reading together. Actually, it is more like a one-on-one tutorial for which I am incredibly grateful because she is teaching me to read more carefully and slowly. It took us three hours to talk about three of the 43 pages we agreed to read last week. And since we didn't get around to talking about the other 40 pages, we are re-reading the pages we didn't discuss so that we can talk about them the next time we meet.

The book is 624 pages long.

I don't think either of us expects to finish the book before I leave especially if we can only read during our "time off" and meet on weekends but the point is for me to learn how to read rigorously on my own.

I need time off from my weekend!

FRIDAY!!!

I am tired. Can barely get any writing done today. Note to self: save mindless work for Fridays and try to get as much writing done between Mon-Thurs. I can also feel my body starting to hold in stress again. Tomorrow will be a heavy reading day in preparation for the discussion over lunch on Sunday. Must be more mindful to not be anxious but in everything, present my petitions . . . .

Dinner with friends tonight, and I'm glad I'm not hosting this time. I'm very much looking forward to picking up something delightfully rich and calorific at the grocery store on my way over to A's apt. He's Italian and has promised to cook "wonderful pasta," so I can't wait! It'll be interesting to see if I will fit into my "work clothes" when school starts in a couple of weeks, sigh.

huh?

I just worked from 9am-12pm but have nothing to show for it. Sigh. Academia requires its subjects to delay gratification on many counts. Well, I'm off to pick up my bus pass for the fall (a good 20 minute walk because the office is further away) and then on to my afternoon's allotment of work which will hopefully yield more visible and tangible results.

Skipping badminton this evening because I'm a little behind in my "leisure reading," i.e. the pre-reading I have to do before K and I get together to discuss a chapter from a book this Sunday afternoon. Hopefully I'll be able to finish the chapter itself on Saturday after I get back from my chiropractor's. I'm seeing a doctor who is about an hour away because he uses similar methods as my chiropractor in Ithaca.

Strangely enough, I am really happy this week and time has just gone by much faster than I would like. Multiple deadlines coming up in a few weeks!!!!!

Starting off the week by being inspired and convicted by an act of prophetic courage.

I think I've been feeling far too sorry for myself than it is healthy. Need to learn how to pay attention to my emotions and not repress them but I also don't want to be narcissistic. Figuring this out drives me a little crazy though.

amazing

Time for some good news, and this story is truly inspirational. Except for the fact that I can't work with my hands for nuts.

back up on the roller coaster

Little things are making me glad that for the week, or the start of it at the very least. My mentor here has looked over the new book abstract and likes it too and she made a few suggestions which tells me she read the document quite carefully. I do have to revise the abstract a little more and herein lies the difference between my mentor here whose research area is closer to mine and my 18th C person. I adore both women, btw.

In her email to me, my mentor here commented,"What a difference a year makes!" So, while I may not have published an article as another postdoc did, I can choose to be thankful for the progress I have made this year. The abstract will be the blueprint for what I hope to get done in the next year or so and it will help me to have input on the blueprint before I go on to read and write more extensively. I think my mentor here wants me to get it done within the year but I'll be amazed if I manage to finish 3/4 of the project by the end of next summer.

I know I'm always too hard on myself and I can sometimes be too sensitive about criticism but it is true that I have to do a lot of catching up, especially intellectually. (Criticism doesn't make me angry and I'm usually very thankful for any that I get, but it often affects me emotionally as well.) It has taken me so long to figure out how others write well and now, I have to figure out how to write well myself. This is my goal for the year and it's going to be incredibly difficult but if I do succeed in some measure, I'm going to be very, very happy.

I was also pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed the salad I made for lunch. I usually don't like lettuce-based salads and much prefer baby spinach but I had to use up the extra lettuce that didn't get used when I cooked for friends last weekend. Tossing shallots, pine nuts, and a boiled egg into the lettuce was really easy to do and it was yummy too. That's good news since there's more lettuce in the fridge.

Eagleton, Terry. Reason, Faith, & Revolution: Reflections on the God Debate. New Haven: Yale University Press, 2009.

Prominent British literary critic Terry Eagleton makes it very clear that he doesn't take the resurrection or God to be true but it's interesting to see him defend Christianity against critics such as Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens (whom he shortens to "Ditchkins" in his lectures, also the basis for the book) on the basis of logic and political belief. He's got a pretty good reading of the person of Christ so far. I just started on this so I can't say very much about it yet but I did come across a funny passage.

"Now I would be reluctant to label the account of Christian faith I have just given liberation theology. All authentic theology is liberation theology. Nor am I necessarily proposing it as true, for the excellent reason that it may very well not be. It may be no more plausible than the tooth fairy. I should add, however, that holding views like this is an excellent strategy for anyone wishing to get rid of all their friends and colleagues at a stroke, provoking as they do irritation from the secular left and outrage from the religious right. Left-wing Christians are in dire need of dating agencies" (Eagleton 32-33).

very fun!

great way to end a sluggish week

"I like the book project. Very impressive and original."

Unfortunately, that didn't come from a potential publisher but it's nice to have that affirmation even if it admittedly comes from one's committee member who is not really in one's field . . . . it is nice after a week of not-terrible-but-at-the-same-time-not-so-great news and poor or slow productivity. My 18th C Brit Lit adviser is super-experienced but she has always been super-supportive as well so while I think that she can be honest, I also think that she would be harsher on me if I had worked on her area of research simply because she knows a ton more about what goes on in her area than in mine.

Well, all this is to say that I'm not convinced that my project is either impressive or original but I'm glad someone else thinks it is!

I'm leaving work early today to start cooking for a group of friends and unfortunately, two people just told me that they're coming too, and that brings my party up to FOURTEEN. Gosh, I hope I have enough food for 14 people. Oops, 15, including myself. I planned this dinner for about 8-9 and then kept inviting one or two extra people and now I have to go get extra food, I think. I definitely won't have enough pineapple cookies. Of course everyone asks if they can bring something and because I thought the group was going to be small, I said, oh no, don't worry, it's a simple dinner. But now I really wish I had asked them to at least bring drinks!!!

being realistic

This made my day.

down we go

Is it my imagination or are my friends blogging or updating FB more infrequently these days? :)

Well, I'm approaching another emotional downturn again but as someone responded to my FB status update, all of us have inherited "KBSM," an acronym for the M'sian secondary school curriculum but also for "Kerja Berat Sampai Mati," translated as "Work Hard Till You Die."

So I guess it's not just academics who feel that way. How is that supposed to make me feel better???

confused

A very liberal paraphrase and re-memory of a recent conversation.

Me, in great anguish: Someone recommended that I read Theorist X and I can't make sense of him!

P: Do you know what _________ means? (Names a philosophical tradition.)

Me: No. I haven't been trained in philosophy.

P: If you want to read philosophy, you need to read it slowly and carefully. You need to start by reading the broad introductory books instead of jumping into these difficult texts.

At the end of conversation, P agrees to read Book Y with me (not written by Theorist X but it falls in the same philosophical tradition).

. . . . A week passes.

Me: Okay, so I guess I need to read up on __________ first before we read Book Y together. Here are the few introductory books that I think might be helpful. Please let me know if I'm on the right track.

P: Yes, and here are a few more.

. . . . Another week passes and I bump into P in the halls.

Me: Oh, I started with one of them but I got lost because I couldn't understand his explanation of H's argument on the self-evidentiary nature of naturalism.

P: Oh, I don't understand that either.

Me: Huh??

P: I know what I understand and what I don't.

Me: What? But I thought I needed to read slowly and carefully?!

P: You need to read what's pertinent to you.

Me: How can I tell which concepts are pertinent and which aren't??

-__-