accumulated spiritual lessons over the past few months or so

1. At the beginning of the fall last year, God said, "Trust Me."
2. I asked for healing from fear and I have been healed somewhat. Quite a bit actually, except that I'm constantly worrying over the current or upcoming challenge that I often forget how far I've come. I still have a fear of public speaking. :)
3. This past summer, I asked God to show me if I can write at a high level; if I can't, I need to look for a different job because academia is probably not for me. What I learned this past year was that I am dependent upon God for the daily progress I make in my work. For now, at least, I will remain in academia (mostly because I have a job for at least the next three years!).
4. I've come to see that God brought healing into my life even before I knew how to ask for it.
5. I need to live as if I will never go hungry again because God will never stop loving me.
   
6. A lesson on pedagogy that I learned from J. Y. during his visit: "First, tell them what they want to hear. Then, tell them what God wants them to hear." The challenge comes after comfort.
7. If I remain in Christ, I will give out of my fullness.
8. I've been introduced to the pleasure and awe that comes from seeing how God works in the lives of others, especially old friends. It is a privilege to walk with friends and to know them well enough to notice the changes in their character. I suspect that this will be one of the more valuable blessings of growing old and I hope that others will be blessed in this way too.
9. I want to have a spiritual mentor who is physically in the same place as I am. And I want to learn how to be a mentor myself. (The latter really scares me though.)
10. I want to trust that God is sovereign and that He is good.
    

more growing up

Kids are free to say "I don't want to friend you!" if they don't like someone and they are free to pout and turn away. Adults can't get away with that but it is also true that the older we get, the more likely we are to accept and be more generous to those who are different from us and that is a mark of maturity.

But then there are some people who make me feel conflicted because I don't how to interpret their actions toward me. Some people are nice to me because . . . . well, I don't know why. Well, sometimes I think they are nice to me because I have a car and they want me to drive all of us to this or that social event! Sometimes I think they are nice to me because . . . it somehow fits in with their sense of self and has little to do with who I am. Sometimes I think they are nice because they see it as part of what it means to be in a professional relationship. But I get confused because we are all "friends" as well, and not just colleagues.

I don't know how to react to people who are nice to me out of a sense of duty. And that only increases my cognitive dissonance because I am also nice to people out of a sense of duty. First, because it just takes too much energy to dislike someone, and second, because well, I've been given so many chances to grow and change that it would be uncharitable of me if I didn't extend the same grace to others.

But it doesn't change the fact that there are some people whose judgment I don't trust, and frankly, I don't trust that they want the best for me. I know that those with my personality type (INTJ) are naturally skeptical and that I should learn to trust others more and let them into my life. But I've also learned that I often have very good instincts and being guarded has its advantages. (I am still committed to learn how to take risks though.)

I don't know how to resolve this conundrum. On the one hand, I want to be nice and act out of grace. But on the other hand, I can't pretend to respect people I don't trust either.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, "The Cost of Discipleship"

"To deny oneself is to be aware only of Christ and no more of self, to see only him who goes before and no more the road which is too hard for us. Once more, all that self-denial can say is: 'He leads the way, keep close to him'" (88).

tired still

One of the other postdocs just got diagnosed as hypo-thyroid and that explains why he's always so tired. I bet I don't have hypo-thyroid but so what's my excuse then?????

Score!

I've gotten started on some some of the prep work that I have to do before I start teaching in my new institution and so far, my new boss seems to like what she sees.

That feels good . . . .

great weekend!

Had a lovely time at the charity walk, then lunch with folks from church, then a trip to a new Korean spa that was offering a discount, then an improv show, and finally dinner. Best Saturday EVER!! More new pictures on FB.

I hate it when people shame me. And perhaps I need to think about how not to feel ashamed in those moments, regardless of what they intend or don't intend.

(And I hope I don't shame others.)

no disasters recently

Everything has been going fine and my life seems to be smooth-sailing so I really should feel happier than I'm feeling now. Sigh. Well. I was really happy on Friday because I had a few small professional victories. And I did some light reading on Saturday, and then took my Sabbath. So why the Monday blahs???????? This just ain't right.

Anyway. New pics up on FB.

Worth reading all the way through.

friend visit over

We had a really lovely time. I like hosting. I like meeting up with old friends. I learned a lot these past couple of days. Need to write about it soon.

But I'm just exhausted and I need to grade and then rest tonight because I haven't been writing for a few weeks now so I am determined to get some writing done this weekend.

blahs again

I now expect to feel low the week after I finish a major project, so last week's fatigue was par for the course as the seminar presentation was a pretty significant piece of work and then I was sick with a bad cold as well. But I'm starting off this week still tired out and I have to grade student papers this week as well as try to to do my own work, and host a friend who's visiting from out of town. My life really could be worse, except that I need to work on my public voice because next week, we have another seminar with a couple of big names in political theory and it will be very odd if I don't ask a question or perform in some way. It will look odd because our guest speaker from Chicago will be speaking about race and I'm the only postdoc in the group who works explicitly on race. After SMS's lecture last week, I know she'll be watching to see if I'm going to open my mouth and not just speak but speak with confidence and sophistication. A part of me wonders how I'm going to pull off a miracle this quickly and it is weighing me down somewhat.

I'm very much looking forward to J. Yip's visit from Wed-Fri as he and his family now live in SA and we haven't seen each other in a very long time. This visit may also be the only visit for a long time too. I need to organize my time and thoughts, aaggghh!!!!

A lot has been going through my head the last few days but I haven't had the time or energy to write about them. Hopefully I won't forget since they are milestone-type insights.

"When you are shame-based, an observation becomes an evaluation."

-- Paul Young via a John Townsend sermon.

wham bam!

Met with the other mentor of the program today, and she had nice things to say about my paper too but it was to frame her comments on my oral, public performance on the day of my seminar: "But you write so beautifully and with such confidence and I just couldn't believe how you stumbled in your seminar . . . . I just don't understand it. What happened??"

Oy vey.

It is so difficult to hear when it comes from someone you adore! And it is oh so difficult to hear it from someone you adore who looks as if she is reading your very soul. But then again, this is precisely why I adore her. She will not let me get away with delivering anything less than the absolute best. It doesn't matter that I did my best, or even if a few others do think that I performed well enough, if what I did was not the best of how it can and should be done, it is just not good enough, and I need to get on it.

FL

I just had lunch with one of the two mentors of the program and she said in passing, "Oh, you're thinking in quite sophisticated ways" re the seminar paper I presented last week. I had to write it down for myself and when I'm feeling glum, I'll come back and look at this blog post. Obviously, our mentors/teachers don't realize how much their feedback means to us.

this is really funny!

Yesterday. Was. Amazing.

I was sweating for most of the two-hours we were in the room but at the end, it was all so very productive. It was academic life at its best.

Exhausted now because I rarely sleep well after our seminars--too many racing thoughts--and have to prepare for my class in a couple of hours, then I need to get started on something else that I need to get done by the end of the week. Hope I don't get sick.

It's pretty cool to have mentors who commit to caring about you regardless of how successful you are. I'm going to remember them as I prepare for my seminar presentation this afternoon. It's going to be a long day as we have a reception after the seminar, and then a private dinner after that. I just found out my small group is planning on spending more time worshiping--as opposed to the unfortunately mostly uninteresting blather that passes for "discussion"--and I won't be there. I can't miss the dinner though because it will be in honor of me (we celebrate the person presenting that day) and I chose to have the dinner at a sushi restaurant that sounds pretty good.

I love the light in this picture

excerpt

On Tears

A small article towards the back of a People magazine told the story of a little
girl named Ashlyn.(1) She was described as an incredibly happy child, eager and
energetic.  According to her mother, Ashlyn has the best laugh in the world, and
according to her kindergarten teacher, she fearlessly goes headfirst into
everything.  In many ways she is a typical, lovable five year-old.  But Ashlyn
is one of only 50 people in the world with a genetic condition that leaves her
unable to feel pain.  She can feel touch and be tickled, but she cannot sense
pain or extreme temperatures.

Ashlyn's parents are used to being asked why such a condition is daunting news
at all.  Their reply is one racked with the sting of experience: Pain is there
for a reason.  When she was a toddler, they had to wrap her with athletic tape
because of all the damage she was causing to limbs that knew no fear. She has
knocked eight teeth out and dug a hole in her eye without shedding a tear. 
She once came in from outside proclaiming she couldn't get the dirt off her
skin.  But it wasn't dirt.  Ashlyn was covered with hundreds of biting fire ants.

It is hard to read such a story without coming away with the difficult conclusion
that pain is necessary. Imagine not knowing when you have scalded your mouth on
a hot meal or bit your tongue so badly that it bled.  Imagine your child
reaching out for the flickering light of a candle and not having the pain of
burned fingers to reinforce your scolding plea not to play with fire.

The great majority of our philosophical frustration about pain is aimed at asking
why a loving God would allow it in the first place.  And yet, the closing lines
of Ashlyn's story were the words of a heartbroken parent:
"I would give anything, absolutely anything, for Ashlyn to feel pain."(2) 
Pain is the body's signal for danger, however severe or slight.

"A Slice of Infinity"
-------

There's more to today's email from Ravi Zacharias's ministry and you can find
the rest of it online. It forced me to think about why certain kinds of pain
are "necessary"--the columnist offered no answers but the assurance that God
keeps track of our tears and that they are not superfluous or unseen. "You have
kept count of my tossings, put my tears in your bottle" (Psalm 56:8, ESV)

It seems so natural to think of certain kinds of pain as necessary and desirable
even, but I have a really hard time with other kinds of cries of the soul as
necessary and desirable. One day, all will become clear.

another great news piece

Yay clean energy, yay unexpected brilliance!

back from ME

Well, back from my "vacation" and feel like I need another one. Much to do and much to catch up on but I think I'm starting to just give up. I'll do what needs to get done and hopefully what I do will be "good enough."

It was so good to be back on that old campus again and it was so good that I kinda got teary-eyed from time to time--even this morning when I rode the bus in to work because I was reflecting on my short time there. I've been given so many good gifts and I know it. But I don't really like having to keep saying goodbye to people I care about. That's just the story of my life, sigh.

A Malay view of race in Malaysia

all my fault

My flight to the East Coast is scheduled to depart on Thurs, 6:30am, and I'm still fiddling with my syllabus for my class in the fall quarter which begins NEXT WEEK, and I'm still writing my seminar paper which has to be in circulation NEXT WEEK. And, I after I send out my seminar paper to my group and anyone else interested in the paper (these things are public, so sometimes people ask for our papers but don't show up to the discussions, they are such _ssh_les), I have to write a 20-minute oral presentation for the week after.

I don't know how I get myself into these things!!!!!! I don't think I can finish all this work in a timely manner. What did I do this summer???

I'll bring work on my trip east, where I am scheduled to be part of an alumni panel on choosing academia. The proper answer to the question is, of course, "don't."

i knew it

When I came in to work today, I looked at my lunch box of leftovers and I thought, hmm, maybe I should put it in the fridge in the dept lounge. I don't always do that because it usually stays cool until lunch anyway. Sigh. The grad students are back for TA prep and someone's holding a TA meeting in the lounge so I can't get at my food!!

I think I'm starting to become less productive now for reasons unrelated to hunger but I still really would like to get at my lunch.

Working Class Zero

Yeah, uh-huh. This is why history is important.

Update

Oh dear, I just fell asleep on the couch in my office without meaning to . . . for two hours. And I still feel tired.

I really should be working

But instead, here are pictures of the peach I'm eating. Kinda gross, huh??!

Yesterday, K and I had lunch and discussed a book that we're reading together. Actually, it is more like a one-on-one tutorial for which I am incredibly grateful because she is teaching me to read more carefully and slowly. It took us three hours to talk about three of the 43 pages we agreed to read last week. And since we didn't get around to talking about the other 40 pages, we are re-reading the pages we didn't discuss so that we can talk about them the next time we meet.

The book is 624 pages long.

I don't think either of us expects to finish the book before I leave especially if we can only read during our "time off" and meet on weekends but the point is for me to learn how to read rigorously on my own.

I need time off from my weekend!

FRIDAY!!!

I am tired. Can barely get any writing done today. Note to self: save mindless work for Fridays and try to get as much writing done between Mon-Thurs. I can also feel my body starting to hold in stress again. Tomorrow will be a heavy reading day in preparation for the discussion over lunch on Sunday. Must be more mindful to not be anxious but in everything, present my petitions . . . .

Dinner with friends tonight, and I'm glad I'm not hosting this time. I'm very much looking forward to picking up something delightfully rich and calorific at the grocery store on my way over to A's apt. He's Italian and has promised to cook "wonderful pasta," so I can't wait! It'll be interesting to see if I will fit into my "work clothes" when school starts in a couple of weeks, sigh.

huh?

I just worked from 9am-12pm but have nothing to show for it. Sigh. Academia requires its subjects to delay gratification on many counts. Well, I'm off to pick up my bus pass for the fall (a good 20 minute walk because the office is further away) and then on to my afternoon's allotment of work which will hopefully yield more visible and tangible results.

Skipping badminton this evening because I'm a little behind in my "leisure reading," i.e. the pre-reading I have to do before K and I get together to discuss a chapter from a book this Sunday afternoon. Hopefully I'll be able to finish the chapter itself on Saturday after I get back from my chiropractor's. I'm seeing a doctor who is about an hour away because he uses similar methods as my chiropractor in Ithaca.

Strangely enough, I am really happy this week and time has just gone by much faster than I would like. Multiple deadlines coming up in a few weeks!!!!!

Starting off the week by being inspired and convicted by an act of prophetic courage.

I think I've been feeling far too sorry for myself than it is healthy. Need to learn how to pay attention to my emotions and not repress them but I also don't want to be narcissistic. Figuring this out drives me a little crazy though.