Maybe if I put up short posts from time to time, I'll be able to get more thoughts out. If I forced myself to sit down and write everything down, I'll never do it for being so overwhelmed.
Every time I go back to Bates, I'm a better person. I like who I am when I'm there. And this last trip back reminded me of who I used to be, or who I can be, or who I'd like to be--I haven't figured out which.
But here are a couple of things on my mind (maybe this won't be a short post after all!):
#1 : I don't care as much anymore. I don't want to know, I don't want to think, I don't want to feel, I don't want to do anything. I never used to be this way. I think I used to be engaged, incensed, informed, and active. Now, I just want a quiet life that seems to be made up of my dull, mundane, daily life, with some contact with a few people I just happen to care about. The world can be horrible (and it is), but as long as I don't know about it, that's okay.
This is worrying.
#2 : I'm forgetting what it means to care for people and how to be a good friend. Going back to B_tes reminded me that one of my strengths is listening. Listening is both a gift to myself, and to the person with whom I am in conversation. I learn a lot of cool stuff when I take the time to listen to people talk. If I don't make time to allow people to talk, I won't learn as much. And these days, I run away from people, I won't make time to listen, and really, I just don't care anymore.
This, too, is worrying.
How did I get to where I am?
you just sound burned out. i can totally relate to that. get some rest and love from the Savior, and loving others should come naturally from that. i recommend reading 'leap over a wall' by eugene peterson.
ReplyDelete:*
karen
thanks, karen. will look that book up! it's about king david, no?
ReplyDeleteyou tried calling me last week--we never got to talk, but i'd love to talk sometime next week. this weekend, for some inexplicable reason, i'm packed with social events.
but next week, if you have time . . . :)
I understand what you mean. It's natural (although not good) for people to lose their idealism. I remember when I was a junior at Bates, my friend Meg and I were discussing what we wanted to do post-grad and Meg said, "Yeah, we gotta do this stuff while we're still young and idealistic, because that's definitely gonna fade away." We had a good laugh, in horror at the thought, but sadly, she was right!
ReplyDeletei remember meg!! she was nice! yeah, it just gets beaten out of you. well, we'll see.
ReplyDeletei saw carole and bill over the weekend, and they're idealistic still but well, they also have a nice life (which they absolutely deserve).
You, you sound burned out ... frustrated ...
ReplyDeletecycle begins again? :-( (which on the bright side means you will come out of it in time
Yeah, wasn't Meg great? I wonder what she's up to...
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should talk to Carole about this. My guess is that she's had a lot of problems in her life, too, and probably wasn't always this happy and together. She may have advice for you.
Don't be too hard on yourself. I can only imagine how difficult grad school is. And you're in one of the top schools in the nation to top it off... that's no picnic! I wouldn't expect anyone to be overwhelmed with joy going through that...