Had a long conversation with R tonight. R is a professor at Cornell in policy analysis, and she's one of the profs who run the Christian women faculty/grad/staff reading group at Cornell that I've been going to for the past 3 years or so.
She confronted me about certain things I do and the way I behave, in a very gentle way, and some of it is still a little surprising (and thus a little difficult to accept) but I really am going to consider a few things that I did not realize about myself:
1. People do not need to be perfect for me to love them.
2. I am very quick to judge people and write them off, i. e. I decide that I don't trust them (because they're going to hurt me or they're out to take or demand things/time) or that they're not worth getting to know (because I'm just too tired and besides, they are so self-involved anyway).
3. I need to communicate with people when they hurt me or cross my boundaries instead of keeping it all in and letting resentment build. When I am hurt or resentful, I often ignore the people who I see as responsible and shut them out of any real intimate relationship.
4. When I do confront people about their hurtful actions, I need to do so gently and listen to what the other person has to say. And I need to tell them about how hurt I feel because if I don't, all they're going to see is the hard-ass, aggressive side of me.
5. I also need to affirm them and tell them that they matter to me.
6. I need to touch them gently--I told R that I can try to pat them a couple of times on the shoulder and that's it--and again, affirm that I do care for them and that I am interested in being in relationship with them.
Needless to say, all this is terrifying and overwhelming, so R said I can experiment with three practice people (and she's one of them) who will be "safe" to try this on first.
Well, I'm willing to give it a shot . . . I mean, I'm not exactly happy with the way my life is right now and I don't exactly have better ideas for how to fix it. :p
R sounds like someone I would love to meet!!
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of practice people
I have never been a "touch person" (I think you know this :-)) and hugs and touching etc makes me freeze up involuntarily (only exception would be my wife!)
But interestingly, over the last year or so I found this changing. It has nothing to do with the Kiwi culture etc as I am among mostly Asian people and I am not comfortable (as is quite a number of older youth as well) with too much physical touch.
But I have found that I "touch" more naturally when appropriate almost as a second nature with some people (male and *gasp* even female!)
I think it is related to both feeling accepted by them and accepting them ...
Interesting. I, for one, think you're just fine the way you are, and that you have excellent judgment. But perhaps I'm an enabler of bad behavior, so don't listen to me!
ReplyDeleteAnyways, if you're unhappy, there's nothing wrong with trying new things... you may find you like this lady's new way of doing things (I hope you do find happiness).
OR... you may find that with this new open approach that you're constantly having to deal with assholes that aren't worth your time. You really shouldn't have to sit down and mother people into behaving properly and treating you right, which is kind of where she's heading and what popular culture promotes these days. I say, if someone doesn't have the brains and heart to be intuitive, reciprocal and respectful of me or my time, unless I've known them for awhile, or unless they possess a VERY strong redeeming quality, I don't really have time for them. I'm apparently more like the old you. No room for b.s.!
And who does that lady think she is?! Sitting YOU, one of the most awesome people in the world down to tell you what's wrong with you?! WTF?!
p.s.
ReplyDeleteIf she tried to sit me down, I'd say, "Well, that's funny, honey, 'cuz I have a list for you, too, you nosey little busy body!"
HAHAHAHAHA . . . Cat, I kinda thought you'd respond this way. But you see, you are one of those people who will call on me when I'm being shitty or dismissive or whatever! You CALL ME OUT on shit! Other people don't, and that's where I get into trouble!!!!
ReplyDeleteThese new practices are just ways I can behave so that other people won't be intimidated or hurt by me.
The funny thing is, Carole just emailed me back today telling me that I seem stable and upbeat to her, given my circumstances!! But then again, you guys see the best side of me.:)
And to be fair to R, she's not asking me to be this way with everyone, she's asking me to try these things with three people (one of them will be her) who are nice and care about me and want to see me happy. Because I am burned out, and I am struggling . . . so we'll see if this works.:)
Cat, I already know you're in my corner! But really, not many people in the world understand people like who act like me, much less appreciate whatever fine qualities I may possess. Apparently, I can come off as very hard ass, aggressive, and intimidating, especially when my boundaries are crossed. :)
Uncle Paul: I think you'd like R (despite Cat's misgivings). :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with your last paragraph. I think we can only touch people we feel safe with, and right now I can only touch people I feel safe with IF they touch me first. Which is why I had such a great time in Maine . . . I was being touched everyday, and affirmed, and taken care of, and loved.
I think what R was trying to tell me was that there are people here in Ithaca who want to love me, but I'm not letting them in past my defenses.
Cat sounds like someone I would love to meet too ... as long as she doesn't bite off my head. Just kidding - any freind of Z is a freidn fo mine and she did say in her blog that she have too mnay freinds (paraphrasing) so I know she's friendly
ReplyDeleteRead parts of her blog and just "overwhelmed" by the pace of her very interesting life - I'm out of breath just reading
Cat's one of my oldest and best college buddies. :) She's taught me a lot!!
ReplyDeleteLeave a comment on her blog so she knows you've been there. :):)
I REALLY can't imagine what you're talking about, Z. Everyone I know who knows you loves you and has never had an ill word to say against you. But fine, you know best!!
ReplyDeleteWhat sensitive souls you must hang around if they can't take your Sze Wei ways! And I thought I was sensitive, geez!
Well, to further YOUR point, a friend once told me that honesty and communication are the keys to any successful relationship. I've found this to be true. I guess if you're having a hard time communicating effectively, then do what you gotta do to get through to people. If they can't understand you or operate on your level, I GUESS you have to go to theirs... ; ) sigh.
Your Discouraged Enabler,
Cat
p.s. Obviously I taught you the wrong things, Z!! Look how miserable you are today because of my bad advice! I'm a bad influence! Your new friends have to steer you in the right direction now!! Sorry!!! : )
p.p.s. Paul, you're hilarious! I sometimes have a sharp tongue, but I promise I don't bite : ) Thanks for visiting my blog! I'll check yours out, too!
like i said, cat, you knew me when i was at Bates . . . :)
ReplyDeleteactually, i think i'm good at mirroring good behavior, so when i was with you, i followed your example, but now . . . :(
i think it's true that when i'm under stress i just refuse to engage with the people around me. and there's been a lot of stress around here!!!!
plus, the strange thing was, at bates, people never allowed me to write them off. i don't know why.
Because that's just YOU and we all have our THINGS, so what's the big deal? Their reaction to you really sounds like much ado about nothing, frankly.
ReplyDeleteor maybe we were just too oblivious to pick up on your signals : )
lol.