a few scattered thoughts

Feeling a little emotional today. Stress? That time of the month coming (I hope it doesn't come this weekend because of the canoe trip)? Maybe I'm a little off because I couldn't sleep very well last night (couldn't really breathe last night because of my cold). Anyway.

Progress on what I need to do this week is going slow, but it is going and that makes me happy. I feel relieved, actually, and I suppose that counts as happiness!!

A little affirmation goes a long way. I spoke briefly with the pilates teacher today about how I still can't do certain movements, and I found it really helpful when she looked me in the eye and gently assured me that it's okay, different people find different movements difficult and that I'm actually doing really well. She reminded me what muscles I should be working and to be patient, that eventually I will be able to do those movements as well.

I was beating myself up today because a friend wanted me to help her move because she doesn't have a car and I said no because I felt like I had to focus on my work (with a mid-day break of pilates). I really felt like a horrible person.

Then a few hours later, another friend asked me if I could drive him and his wife to the airport in S_r_cuse (1 hr away) on Aug 20, and before they finished their sentence, I said yes immediately. So on the one hand, it would take much less time for me to help my friend move a carload than it would be for me to drive this couple (it would consume about 2.5 hours of my time), but it was so much easier for me to say yes in the second instance.

This is why:

1. The Couple have been my friends for 5 years or so, and my generosity is a poor reflection of their generosity to me. I've really only known Friend X for a few months at the most and not very well, at that. This doesn't mean that I want to help only those who help me, but I think it is true that I've come to care for The Couple in a deeper way.

2. I don't feel like Friend X even takes the time to listen seriously to what I have to say, although this is probably because of the stress in her own life. I need to be careful not to assume that this is because her character is flawed.

3. The Couple planned way ahead and gave me time to work my schedule around their need! Friend X asked me today, and she knows that I'm working on some really stressful stuff this week and I need to turn drafts in by Friday. Another friend emailed in the morning asking if I had time to talk later this evening, and I said yes and don't feel like it's a burden because this friend was very considerate of my time and isn't demanding a listening ear simply because it's something *she* needs done today, right now. When people show that they understand that I'm busy and therefore need to set boundaries for what I can do or give, I am actually much more willing to try and give more than I originally would.

(Notice how I'm not thinking of the financial cost of these favors, but of how much time it would take--although, money is really a form of labor-time!)

I often feel frustrated because most Christians don't understand what it means to be on the job market in the humanities . . . they're mostly in the sciences or the social sciences, and the job markets in those areas are much better right now. It really sucks when people dismiss the struggles I face because subsequently I am less inclined to share . . . which causes them to feel like I'm shutting them out . . . which then frustrates me even further.

I understand that I'm not supposed to worry or stress out, but I still struggle with it. I'm sorry, I do. Dismissing the fact that I am stressed (for very good reasons!) or just brushing it off does not help one bit.